Aspienwomen: Moving towards an Adult Female Profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome/Neurodivergence

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IAPC AUSTRALIAN CHAIR

UPDATE:

A recent 2022 research study by my colleague Dr. Bob McCrossan found a male to female ratio of 3:4. This is remarkable. See his recent study here

RESEARCH HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH CLINICAL WORK AND THE MALE TO FEMALE RATIO HAS GONE FROM 16:1 TO 1.8:1. A recent research study has established a ratio of two to one (Rutherford, McKenzie and Johnston 2016). Back in 2014, we predicted 1:1 and we are almost there. This is good news. However, we now have few educated, trained and experienced practitioners/clinicians to provide competent ethical assessment and diagnosis. 

Updated March 30th, 2022 (originally written in 2011 and published 2013)

Tania Marshall© 2013-2022. All rights reserved. Aspiengirl and Planet Aspien are trademarked. Thank you.

Aspienwomen : Adult Women with Asperger Syndrome. Moving towards a female profile of Asperger Syndrome. This blog has been viewed well over 1,000,000 times, been reblogged and translated into multiple languages. It gained international recognition in 2013 and was the inspiration for Tania’s second book, released August 29th, 2015, Foreword by Dr. Shana Nichols, and now an international bestseller. I am AspienWoman received a 2016 IPPY eLit Gold Medal award in the ‘Women’s Issues’ category. This book and Tania’s first book, I Am AspienGirl, the autistic female profile of children and teenagers, is available at Amazon and other fine bookstores. Due to Tania’s education, training, experience, blog and award winning books, international consultant work and lengthy career, she is considered to be a world expert on the Autistic or Neurodivergent profile, across the lifespan. Tania is Neurodivergent herself, specifically Twice-Exceptional. Twice-exceptionality is discussed below in the ‘cognitive’ section. She was one of the first psychologists to detail the profile of Autistic or Neurodivergent females, across the lifespan. This blog was written to address the autistic female crisis and does not mean that other genders do not or will not identify with this work.

Neurodivergency is a complex area encompassing a large group of individuals with a wide variety of neurotypes including, but not limited to: ADHD, Autism, highly sensitive individuals (HSP), LGB, sensory processing sensitivities (SPS), different learning styles, and more. Each individual has their own unique profile. There are many subtypes and expressions. She has 30 years of experience neurotyping and profiling individuals of all ages, from a wide variety of cultures and countries and is a trauma-informed therapist. She is a strengths-based therapist who works in a person centred way and closely aligns with Dr. Ross Greene’s work in CPS. She attended his two-day training and met him. She believes strongly in the human right for young children to access and be provided with therapy and counselling, free of any bias. She believes in a holistic approach, a bio-psycho-social spiritual model and believes that many, but not all, “mental health disorders” are a normal reaction to what has happened to a person. She is trauma-informed and was trained in EMDR during her Masters degree. She believes that unbiased therapy is ethical therapy. She believes that all humans have the right to ethical evidence based unbiased health-care.

Tania is available for fee-based Skype/Zoom remote assessments, consultations, problem-solving sessions, intervention, and support. She also works regularly with a variety of professionals in many countries, in the areas of referrals and assisting individuals to obtain and/or receive an assessment, diagnosis and/or support in their own country. She can be contacted at aspiengirl@gmail.com regarding fee-based assessments, intervention, support, problem-solving, referrals, her diagnostic impressions assessments, booking inquiries and translations, publishing inquiries, media enquiries, workshops and/or conferences. Tania is available for consultation online ONLY, with the exception of working in her capacity as a consultant to Law enforcement, intelligence and forensic settings. Tania welcomes all clients, regardless of sexual orientation, gender, ethnicity, religion, or political stance.

She consults with workplace organisations and employees who work at Apple, Google, Microsoft, Facebook, Tesla including intelligence agencies in relation to providing workplace accomodations for their employees. She has assisted individuals working in these environments with environmental changes best suited for them.

Tania consults regularly with Police, cyber-intelligence and the defence force, in relation to crime, the rapid increase in radicalisation, body language, micro-expressions, facial affect, camouflaging, psycho-linguistic analysis and statement analysis. For consultations, click below and schedule your own fee-based appointment:

SCHEDULE YOUR OWN ONE-ON-ONE CONSULTATION WITH TANIA VIA CALENDLY!

Tania offer a wide range of services in a number of different roles. Fees are negotiable , depending on context. Afterpay and ZipPay is coming soon! To book in with Tania, please go to CALENDLY

We are receiving emails from individuals all over the world wondering if they have adult ADHD in a female and/or are burning out, have burnt out, are on leave from work and/or feel they are at breaking point. Whilst we are not a crisis service, a legitimate assessment can help you understand how your life got to this point, place a ‘hold’ on what is happening to you and assist you with a valuable life-changing individualized ‘What Next’ plan for getting you not only back on track but on a better track towards thriving in a system/world that was not designed for you. Click on the link above to schedule a fee-based session.

The following list is an official detailed working screener document consisting of the unique characteristics and traits of adult women with Asperger Syndrome, or the Autistic female profile. It is not a research-based formal assessment tool. It is an anecdotal clinical screening tool based on the thousands of females I have worked with over 30 years. I have assessed, observed, diagnosed and worked with Neurodivergent individuals across the lifespan. Over my career, I have assessed individuals from 18 months to 80 years of age, from a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds. This document is based on my clinical anecdotal evidence and research by other well-known professionals. I will be modifying and/or updating this list from time to time. This list was written from my reflections, observations, and experience, and is written in no particular order. No-one person needs to have every trait, and it is rare that a person would identify with every trait. Autism is a heterogeneous condition and as such, whilst people may share similar abilities and challenges, no two people with Autism are alike. This is a descriptive anecdotal profile, much like the early day descriptions that Asperger, Kanner (3 girls), and Frankl described of the boys they observed.

***Please be mindful that research often lags many years behind anecdotal, observational and clinical work.

***This list does not characterise all people and Autism is a heterogeneous condition. It presents itself differently in each person

***Research shows that everybody has Autistic traits. Out of a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle, everybody on the planet has a couple or a few pieces. Those that have 60 pieces would be said to have Broader Autism Phenotype (BAP) and those with 80 or more pieces are diagnosable or diagnosed with the condition.

***Self-diagnosis does not equal a formal diagnosis. Some people who self-diagnosis do not have Autism or Asperger Syndrome and some do. There can be false positive self-diagnoses.

***The reported prevalence of autism has increased substantially. This increase in the rate of autism spectrum condition (ASC) may be driven by “Autism Plus”. Autism Plus refers to autism with co-existing conditions/disorders (including but not limited to intellectual developmental disorder, language disorder, and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and this may be what is being diagnosed by clinicians as ASC. In clinical practice, a diagnosis of ASC is done so that a child will receive support at school and in the community, which may not be the case for other diagnoses. In the past the co-existing conditions were given diagnostic priority and the “autistic features” might, or might not have been mentioned as the “plus bit” in the diagnostic summary. The co-existing conditions (sometimes even more important than the autism), must came back on the diagnostic agenda and be addressed. Autism is but one of the Early Symptomatic Syndromes Eliciting Neurodevelopmental Clinical Examination (ESSENCE), along with many others (See Gillberg).

The following profile was created for females who are self-diagnosing or considering formal diagnosis and to assist mental health professionals, legal and forensic professionals, and body language professionals in recognising Autism, Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and other co-exiting conditions in adult females.

Females with Asperger Syndrome experience their symptoms at varying levels, so while some
Autistic females are highly introverted, others are not. Many women would not meet formal criteria for a diagnosis due to their coping mechanisms. They would be defined as “sub-clinical”, “residual Aspergers”, or “shadow traits”, otherwise known as Broader Autism Phenotype (BAP). Females with Asperger Syndrome or Autism tend to be discriminated against due to the wide spectrum of abilities or levels of functioning that exist. The majority of females do not receive a formal diagnosis until well into their adult years. They are know as the ‘lost generations’.

This list typifies many of the adult Autistic females I have worked with. These traits also depend to some extent on the severity, whether you’ve been assessed and diagnosed and/or received support and intervention, and also whether there is a co-existing condition(s) (for e.g., a personality disorder) present. There is research that points towards late-diagnosed adults as having both Autism and a personality disorder.  This is common.

CRUCIAL ADVICE WHEN OBTAINING AN ASSESSMENT

This profile is used by researchers, mental health professionals, doctors, school personnel, forensic personnel, educational organisations, teachers, allied health professionals and those self-diagnosing. It has been cited in multiple papers, dissertations and books, courses and training’s worldwide. It formed the basis of my two award winning and best selling books. For more information:

THE CHILD/TEEN AUTISTIC PROFILE

CAMOUFLAGING

RED FLAGS AND FIRST SIGNS OF AUTISM IN YOUNG GIRLS

I AM ASPIENGIRL BOOK AVAILABLE HERE

I AM ASPIENWOMAN BOOK AVAILABLE HERE

In obtaining an assessment from a practitioner, it is critical that you see someone who is both trained and experienced in working with Autistic females, across the lifespan. They must have worked with (ideally under supervision) with a minimum 100 Autistic females, across the lifespan, to be able to observe the many varying expressions and syb-types. They must also be able to do a thorough family history, differential diagnosis, assess trauma and provide you with a comprehensive “What Next” Section. They should be trained and experienced in differentiating between twice-exceptionality and Autism, HSP and Autism, ADHD and Autism, trauma and Autism, Camouflaging (Masking, Assimilation, Compensation), Personality Disorders and Autism (including the common presentation of both). They should also be trained and experienced in investigating Synaesthesia, Propagnosia, Irlen syndrome, 7 types of ADD, trauma and adult PDA. They should be aware of the unique spikey cognitive profile in addition to differentiating between Giftedness and Autism and Twice-Exceptionality. Make sure you’re assessed by professionals who are aware of the unique presentation and needs of both diagnoses.They should be able to tell you what kind of thinker you are and your neurotype profile, and address learning disabilities. An IQ test can be important in adulthood and can provide additional meaningful information. A thorough comprehensive assessment includes both quantitative and qualitative information gathering. the most important part is family history and obtaining as much information about you as an infant, toddler, child, teenager up to the present day. This should include reviewing childhood and adult photos and information from family members. The primary diagnosis should be listed followed by all secondary diagnoses by clinicians.

1.  Cognitive/Intellectual Abilities

Diagnosis is complicated. A large group of people with autism score at 70 or below on intelligence tests. The smaller group have anywhere from average to profound intelligence. Giftedness can mask the symptoms of autism, and autism can mask giftedness. Gifted children at times exhibit behaviors (for e.g., obsession with facts, intense interest with an area of interest, a lack of interest in peers) that are characteristic of autism. Children with autism can develop such expertise in their particular intense interest that professionals initially miss the fact that they are not as ‘smart’ about navigating the social world. This is why an accurate evaluation is very important. This allows the fleshing out whether a child is gifted and talented, autistic, or both. This is crucial in order to provide the child/adult with the correct supports and services. 

Twice – Exceptionality. Giftedness is not measured just by an IQ score alone. There must also be talents present. Giftedness is rare and these individuals tend to have superior to very superior to genius intelligence (as measured by a formal IQ test), often (but not always) with significant splits between verbal and perceptual reasoning abilities, lower working memory and/or processing speeds and learning disabilities (for e.g., dyscalculia, dyslexia, reading comprehension). Generally, a FSIQ is NOT the best indicator of intelligence. Individual sub-test scores and inter-domain test scores are usually spikey. There is a difference in the sub-type of expression between those who are Gifted (IQ = 130+) and those of average to high average intelligence. There are also levels of Giftedness within the Gifted group that make it challenging for professionals to understand. For example, an individual with an IQ of 150 presents quite differently to an individual with an IQ of 130. What is also rare are Savant Syndrome and splinter skills.

Superior long-term memory

Weaker short-term memory, slower processing speed

May need academic accommodations in University

A distinct cognitive learning profile consisting of a spiky profile of strengths and weaknesses, peaks and troughs, learning disabilities/differences

Often have a rigid negative cognitive thinking style, inflexible black or white thinking style or rigidity of thinking

Impairment in Mentalizing/Context Blindness

Despite IQ, a lower social IQ and emotional IQ. May look like the a lack critical thinking skills and/or common sense.

A history of deep thinking, leading to painful existential crises or Existential OCD, as shown by a history of going from one religion to another, one spiritual movement to another, one group to another, or moving between seemingly opposing groups, over time in the search for meaning. At the extreme end of this, this can lead an individual into joining dangerous “cults”. There is often present an early deep and meaningful questioning and thinking process observed in the child, leading to patterns of involvement in groups over the course of their lifetime. Taken to the extreme, this appears as existential OCD, the obsessive drive to over-analyse every event, person, situation, group and the circumstances and the meanings behind them.

A group within the larger group are natural born systemizers and tend to work in, but nor limited to: Science, Technology, Engineering and or Mathematics.

May be a pattern, visual and/or Word/Fact thinker

2.  Education/University Life

May have dropped out of high school and gone back later or may have repeated a grade. May have unfinished or partial degrees, may have many finished degrees, many have Doctorate of Ph.D. level qualifications. Many have taken longer to achieve their education, as compared to their peers.

May have a history of enrolling and attending university classes, followed by dropping out of classes or semesters. Sometime later, she then re-enrolls/attends later. This is usually due to being overloaded and overwhelmed. A history of deferring exams, not attending classes, dropping out of classes or programs, is common.

May have repeated high school or courses OR dropped out completely.

A history of many doctors and counsellors visits throughout university life, without any significant improvement

Difficulty taking the same amount of courses or classes as her peers

May get lost on campus easily, lose possessions, be late for classes or exams

3.  Career/Work

Often drawn to the helping, artistic or animal professions, and often an “expert” in her chosen field. I know of many Aspienwomen who are successful in the following careers: Artists, singers, actors, poets, writers, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, special needs teachers/consultants, horse trainers/whisperers, doctors, scientists, accountants, authors, childcare workers, models, comedians, artists, computer-related specialists, animal handlers or zookeepers, university professors, nurses, psychics/mediums, detectives, entrepreneurs and photographers.

May miss days of work due to social exhaustion. This may lead to autistic burn-out

May find great difficulty attending/participating in staff meetings, lunch breaks, work social events

May make up excuses for not attending work/staff functions

May have a history of being unable to cope with work/employment environments, often moving from job to job, especially in younger adult years

Hard-working conscientious worker

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

May become frustrated/stressed if asked to do too many things at once

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

Tries hard to please others

May burn bridges or ‘ghost’ others (for e.g., walk out or quit jobs or relationships without notice or without discussing with boss)

4.  Social and friendships/relationships

Extreme social naivity, and therefore may be at greater risk of being recruited into a cult or extreme group OR supporting or engaging in extremism. Some individuals can be “manipulated” into supporting/engaging in extremism.

May appear narcissistic, self-centred, egocentric or caring only about her/himself due to not understanding the unwritten social rules

Preference for one-on-one social interactions, single close friendships

May obsess over one friend to the extreme

Preference for friendships with men as they are easier to understand than women. They also find the interests of their peers boring and uninteresting

Need more time away from people than their peers (solitude)

May experience stress, anxiety, and confusion in social group or group work situations

Social Anxiety leading to Social Phobia: analysing social interactions where they overthink (on a ‘loop’), about what they said, did, did not say, should have said or not said and what they wished they should have said. On the other side of this is continual stressing about what the other person is thinking of them. This is usually done to the extreme that it can be incapacitating for the person.

Strong preference to engage in conversation related to their special interest

Strong dislike for social chit-chat, gossip, nonsense, lies or conversation that lacks a ‘function’ to it, but some are known to engage in it themselves

A history of being bullied, teased, left out and/or not fitting in with same-age peers unless she had/has similar “Aspie” friends

An intense dislike of lies, but may lie to others herself. Many have admitted this to me.

Has an ability to socialize, however, is unable to do so for long periods of time. Suffers from “social exhaustion/burn-out” or a “social hangover” when socializing too much. The hangover can last hours to days, which can be debilitating

Experience great difficulty with conflict, arguments, being yelled at, fighting, war, stress

Has great difficulty asserting herself, asking for help, setting boundaries or inappropriately assertive

May need to drink or do drugs to be able to socialize, perform (sing), be with and/or around people

May currently have or have experienced Post-Traumatic Stress, often due to being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, mistreated, and/or mis-medicated.

Social Skills differences – is exceptionally good one-on-one and presenting to groups, however, has difficulty working within group situations

May find herself in social situations or relationships that she is unhappy with, but not know how to remove herself from them. Is highly at-risk for being with a toxic abusive person die to her nature. See ‘The Molotov Cocktail’ Series at http://www.vimeo.com/ondemand/femaleautism

History of being taken advantage of by others, even though she has taken the appropriate business, legal or social advice from others

Often bored in social situations or parties and/or does not know how to act in social situations

May say “yes” to social events, then later make up an excuse as to why she cannot attend, often staying home in solitude (reading a book or engages in her special interest)

Often prefers to be engaged in her special interest, rather than socializing

May be considered the “black sheep” of the family

Others consider her different, odd, eccentric or “weird” by others

May feel like she has to act normal” to please others OR does not care at all about fitting in

Copies, mimics, act in order to fit in and make others like her

A people pleaser, but then may burn bridges suddenly (for e.g., quit relationships), as they have difficulty managing conflict, confrontation, and stress

Females appear to be better than males at masking the traits of autism in social situations. However, girls are less able to do so in unfamiliar settings.

May be considered a “loner” OR may have many acquaintances, but no real friends

A lack of insight

A lack of social awareness

Social Naivety: may believe anything told to them by others (gossip, stories, jokes, and teasing), difficulty interpreting the intentions of others, misinterprets other peoples intentions, often jumping to conclusions about others, may be described as “gullible”

Information in Camouflaging can be found here

Sexuality: Some Autistic individuals have

5.  Communication

Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write her thoughts much better

May dislike asking others for help, be unable to ask or not know how to ask for help

Maybe passive, not know how to assert her boundaries in a healthy manner

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to; may appear aggressive or too intense

May point out other people’s mistakes

May give too much detail and end up boring others unintentionally

May ask embarrassing questions (usually when younger)

Unusual voice (flat, monotone, high-pitched, child-like)

The tendency to take things literally, missing what people are trying to say

May talk too loudly or too softly, often unaware that she is doing so

May talk too much or not enough

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

Poor pragmatic language skills

Struggle with eye contact and listening to someone at the same time

May have auditory processing issues

Struggles to understand non-verbal communication cues

Often overshares in inappropriate ways, not understanding the steps to a friendship or relationship

Is not about to manage the complex interaction of a group and communicated better one-on-one

May speak in a manner that is copied from cartoon characters and repeat phrases. May speak formally as characters on television do.

Culture Differences

In many countries where the language is informal, this can be noticed (for example, in the middle east informal Arabic is spoken), however in Autistic individuals, they may speak formally as characters on television, social media, and so on.

6.   Physiology/Neurology

A. Highly Sensitive

Highly sensitivity, may not be able to listen to or watch the news, listen to the radio, read the newspaper, watch violent shows/movies or horror movies, see hurt or injured animals, abuse, war, trauma, are sensitive to the emotions and “emotional atmosphere” of the environment, experience referred emotion and psychic “6th sense” abilities, may have strong intuitive and/or psychic abilities. This does not mean a HSP person is Autistic, but Autistic individuals are highly sensitive.

B. Sensory Processing Disorder/Condition

May have sensory sensitivities in the following areas: hearing, vision, taste, touch, smell, balance, movement, intuition

May be very sensitive to pain or have a high pain threshold

May notice how food tastes or feels and one may be more important than the other

May be clumsy or uncoordinated

May play with jewellery or flip hair repetitively

May dislike loud noises and/or be overwhelmed or stressed by bright lights, strong smells, coarse textures/clothing, sirens close by or people too close behind her.

May find children hard to cope with due to crying, screaming or other loud noises

Sensitive to the way clothes feel and how they may be more important than how they look

May have to withdraw, isolate herself when overwhelmed by her senses

May not be able to tolerate sounds, sights, smells, textures, a movement that she dislikes

May not like to be hugged, cuddled or held. “I only like to hug if it’s my decision”

Can get upset or distressed if unable to follow a familiar route when going somewhere

Things that should feel painful may not be (bruises but not know how they got there, due to clumsiness)

In social situations, the nervous system tends to be overwhelmed easily, leading to withdrawal (for e.g., wander off to a quiet spot at a party, play with children or animals)

Strong hunger may be disrupting her mood and/or the ability to focus

She may notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art, and pieces of music.

C. Anxiety, stress and/or anger. Recent brain scanning research points towards the enlarged Amygdala’s role in intense emotions, anxiety, and anger

D. May have auditory processing issues

E. May have Irlen Syndrome

F. May grind teeth or have lockjaw (anxiety)

G. More often than nor, they have strong Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or traits

H.  May have one or more of the 7 types of ADHD (see http://www.amenclinics.com)

I.  Usually has ADHD or more appropriately ‘executive function difficulties’ (i.e., time management, planning ahead, organization)

J. May rock, leg-bounce, fidget or other movements with hands, twirl hair, stroke soft fabric to self-soothe (aka stimming or self-soothing), doodle, draw

K. May be very sensitive to medications, caffeine and/or alcohol

L. May have gluten, wheat, casein or other food allergies/intolerances, gut issues

M. May have sleep difficulties, a preference for staying up late at night, usually not a morning person, may be very creative at night

N. May have Dyspraxia

O. May have tics (for example, throat-clearing, coughing)

P. May have Synaesthesia

7. Physical Appearance

Usually dresses differently from her peers, often eccentric, may dress more for comfort than appearance.

May dress “over the top” or unusually for occasions

May try very hard to fit in appearance wise or may not care at all

May have a special interest in fashion and femininity

May not shower or upkeep hygiene at times, due to different priorities (usually being involved in special interests)

Looks younger than her years

Has an unusual voice; maybe “child-like”, monotone, loud or soft, quality to her voice

Often does certain things with hands (twirling hair or items, different movements) or legs (leg “bouncing” or rocking while standing)

Physical appearance may change to extremes over the course of her lifetime

8. Lifestyle

Books, computers, the Internet, animals, children, nature may be her best friends

She may love quiet, solitude, peaceful surroundings

She may be ultra-religious or not at all. Buddhism appears to be common as does extreme religious association

May prefer to spend as much time as possible by herself, with animals or in nature

May have a strong preference for routine and things being the same day after day

Gets pleasure from being engaged in her chosen work and/or special interests

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

A history of moving house, cities, states/provinces and/or countries several times.

9. Relationship Choices/Sexuality/Gender

May date or marry much older or much younger partners, same-gender partner, tending not to see the “age”, “gender”, but rather the personality of the person first

May be asexual, having preferences that are deemed as more important than sex or a relationship

May be ‘hypersexual”, fascinated by physical sexual contact

May differ from peers in terms of flexibility regarding sexual orientation or may think about or want to change gender. Some individuals may change gender or experiment with sexuality as a means to find social success or to “fit in” or feel less different

May not have wanted or needed intimate relationships (asexual)

There is a greater flexibility in sexuality and/or gender. Maybe heterosexual or may be asexual, gay, bisexual or transgender

May be androgynous and prefer to wear men’s clothing

May be or have a history of being promiscuous OR asexual or inappropriate (i.e., following someone they like although they don’t know how to engage in the art of dating or flirting. This can lead to stalking someone and eventually the Police becoming involved)

Prone to safety issues due to not being aware of surroundings

Are an extremely vulnerable group for sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault.

10. Special Interests

The little Philosopher of the little psychologist, as a child, often turning into a career

Current research shows that individuals on the Spectrum do not have “restricted interests”, but rather a lifetime of deeply intense interests that can vary from one deep interest to another. A special interest may involve the person’s career, Anime, fantasy (think Dr. Who, superheroes, and Harry Potter), just to name a few, writing, animals, reading, celebrities, food, fashion, jewelry, makeup, tattoos, symbols and TV Series (think Game of Thrones). This is not inclusive. This trait is an obsessive form when focused on other people and/or unhealthy interests can lead to an individual having contact with the law or law enforcement.

A special interest in sexuality, personal appearance and.or gender identity

A special interest in the meaning of life, of on’s sense of purpose and/or of making sense of one’s sense of meaning-making and purpose in life

May attend ComicCon, SuperNova, love dressing up as a character. May love Anime, Manga, and other suck art.

Ability to “hyperfocus” for long periods of time involved in the special interest, without eating, drinking or going to the toilet, is able to hyperfocus on her special interest for hours, often losing track of time

Loves and revels in solitude, peace, and quiet. Solitude is often described as “needing it like the air I breathe”

An intense love for nature and animals

Often not interested in what other people find interesting

May collect or hoard items of interest

Introspection and self-awareness. Many women spend years trying to understand themselves, reading self-help and psychology books and wonder why they feel so different, from another planet or that the “Mothership has dropped me off on the wrong planet”.

Justice Issues, sometimes leading to activism and/or extremism

Special Interest in religions, spiritual movements, and/or cults, often moving from one to the other.

Astrology, new thought leaders, numerology and related areas

May know every lyric to a song or every line to a movie from repetitively watching them or listening to them

May be driven to careers when she is able to utilize her natural debating skills

An obsession on oneself, how one looks, one acts, one talks, one appears to others. This obsession can lead to an obsession on transgendering as an answer to one’s problems

11. Emotional/Mental Health Issues

Feels things deeply (Category 5 emotions) and may be inconsolable (cannot be calmed down). Often has “over the top” reactions to events

May have severe “depression attacks” that last for a few days; may feel the world is about to end

Does not DO calm, stress, conflict, conflict resolution, mediation, confrontation or fighting

Most do not have a “core self” or a stable identity or sense of who they are. This can lead to a personality disorder. Psychotherapy is highly recommend for identity and core self issues, to develop a unique core self and prevent personality disorders and other mental health conditions.

May develop mental health issues due to being Gender Non Conforming (GNC). Think of hte many creative ‘gender-bending’ artist of the 1980’s. Not all Autistic individuals are GNC.

Struggles with degrees of delight  and distress of emotions (Alexythymia)

Think that people are laughing at her or making fun of her when they are not

Facial expressions do not match the situation. May have an inappropriate emotional expression to the situation

Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative

Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain

Emotions may be delayed so that for e.g., she can be a great ER doctor, but may fall apart a few days later about a traumatic work situation

Anxiety is a constant from the very early years and is often overwhelmed by the amounts of tasks that need to be completed. Triggers for anxiety are varied from too much thinking to catastrophizing to change in routine, change in general, people, perfectionism, fear of failure, sensory issues, the feeling of not fitting in, the stress of feeling that he/she has to do things right, any environment that is noisy, has a lot of people in it, perceived or actual criticism

Deeply moved by arts, music, certain movies

May be unable to watch horror, violence, disturbing movies, and news programs

Lives with continual generalized anxiety, bouts of depression that creep up on her

Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

Is socially and emotionally younger/immature than her chronological age, much younger if in her twenties

Emotionally too honest (inability or difficulty hiding true feelings when it would be more socially acceptable to do so) and naive

Experiences intense emotions of all kinds (for e.g. when she falls in love, she ‘falls’ in love deeply)

May think she is being compassionate, but her actions may not come across that way

Often too sensitive and possesses too much emotional empathy

Usually, connect and/or are very sensitive to certain characters in movies

Highly sensitive to issues affecting the earth, animals, people, advocacy, justice, human rights and the “underdog”

Some women are quite “child-like”, not reaching a maturity until roughly 40 years of age

Many create their own fantasy worlds

FEARS: Tocophobia,

12. Personality characteristics and/or traits and abilities

SUBTYPES

 

Why have we not previously diagnosed the true prevalence of autism in girls and women? Girls and women have often camouflaged their autism. Not all are able to however and many who do appear to others as “odd” or “somethings is not quite right”. Autism expresses itself differently in each individual, however there are patterns.

One of the CORE characteristics of autism is a deficit in social communication and social interaction (American Psychiatric Association 2013). The social and interpersonal aspects of life are a challenge, so how does the person who has autism adapt to these challenges? 

The Introvert

The most recognized sub-type is the “introvert”. They are usually described as  “shy”, “timid” “socially anxious” or “mute”. The child (and subsequent adult) actively minimizes or avoid social engagement, recognising that social interaction is overly complex, overwhelming, and stressful. This type of person if often alone and chooses to be so. This type of child grows up without social skills intervention and can later be unable to cope in the real world. Parens often miss the lack of social skills in their child as they perceive them to be shy, anxious, or introverted and do not seek assistance for them. Due to the child being well-behaved and ‘quiet’, a problem is not usually seen.

The Extrovert – The over-intrusive type

The over intrusive type wants to experience social activities. They actively seek social experiences, without knowing the unwritten social rules or social skills. The have challenges reading the subtle social signals that regulates and moderates the intensity of social engagement between individuals of groups of people. Due to impaired mentalising or theory of mind, there are great difficulties  reading the nonverbal communications (eyes, facial expressions, body language) of other people that is used in a social interactions. The autistic individual is perceived as intrusive, intense, ‘dramatic’ and/or irritating by others. The autistic individual  does not see the nonverbal communication or abide by the social conventions. They are unable to accurately in real time read social situations and therefore act inappropriately. They are unable to respond to another persons social interactions accurately and in real time. This can also be due to processing speed. Whilst they may be very motivated or even overly motivated to make and keep friends or engage in social interaction, their interactions and experiences may be ended by the other person, group or themselves, due to ensuing confusion, misinterpretations or arguments. The consequence is that the Autistic person feels bitterly disappointed that conversations, friendships, and relationships are short-lived, and social popularity remains elusive. This may then lead them to feelings of frustration, envy, jealousy, anger or rage. Another concern is that once a friendship has succeeded, the Autistic person can become possessive or even obsessive, idealising their new friend with an intensity that is overwhelming for the friend. This can be overwhelming for other individuals who also wants to be friends. The Autistic person does not want to share her friendship wth others. When the friendship or relationship ends, there can be intense despair and feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and of being misunderstood. If this is not addressed, this may lead to further consequences for the Autistic individual. The Autistic person may them demonize their former friend.

The Extrovert – The Social Camouflaging type

The second extroverted subtype autism who the extroverted is type that recognises their difficulties in reading nonverbal communication and in making and keeping friends. The understand they didn’t get the unwritten social rules book. With this insight, watch and observe other people and copy, imitate and mimic them. They acquire these social and interpersonal abilities by observing their peers and people in general, analysing their social behaviors, and interpreting and abiding by the social rules and conventions of their environment, thus ‘camouflaging’ or hiding their social difficulties. They may imitate movies, read social skills books, practice in their bedrooms at night and/or learn social skills from fiction books. They socially camouflage from environment to environment. The person creates a social “mask.”, dependeing on the environment they are in. Other people are able to recognize when they do this. The effects of this on other may vary from the perception of the Autistic person being ‘quirky’, not quite fitting in, or in some cases, the amount of imitation copying and mimicking may end a friendship. They also have challenges within the areas of boundaries, confidentiality, sensitive information and keeping secrets.

The Eccentric Type

The third subtype of Autism is the introverted or extroverted and intrusive eccentric type. The vast majority of autistic individuals are ‘out of the box’ thinkers and love their ‘rules’. They have a challenging time ascribing to rules that do not make sense to them. They are conforming to society rules and systems, especially if they don’t make sense. A smaller sub-group of the larger group of Autistic individuals are highly eccentric, creative, artistic, extremely non-conforming and may be involved with the criminal justice system.

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive (even with herself)

High levels of introversion OR can be extroverted

Generally lack a strong sense of self, self-esteem and/or identity. May use chameleon-like skills to assimilate and be involved with to a variety of groups or different people over time, in a search for true identity.

Has a high sense of justice and fairness, is a truth-seeker, sometimes to his/her own detriment

Highly creative and may have ‘rushes’ of original ideas

Dislikes change and may find it disorienting and stressful

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

Dislikes being observed when having to perform (performance anxiety)

May have been told she cares too much, does too much for others and/or is too sensitive

Is perfectionistic (may have attended a perfectionism group program)

Attention to detail

Obsessions/special interests can be short-term (switching from one to another quickly) or long-term (can make a great career)

Naivety, innocence, trusting too much and taking others literally are a powerful concoction for being misused and abused

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Social Camouflaging consists of Compensation, Masking and assimilation.

Masking: as above in this picture, giving off the illusion that everything is great or fine, when is it not. The mask often comes off at home with crying, meltdowns, or shutdowns. To the trained eye these unnatural facial expressions are obvious. To the untrained eye, they may appear ‘odd’ or even natural.

A strong sense of feeling different from her peers often described as being from a different planet

May not have a sense of self and/or identity, self-esteem

Tend to be very serious, often too serious at times

Is intense in everything she does

In childhood, may have been described as highly sensitive and/or shy

Highly imaginative

May have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality

Does not like it when people move or touch her belongings; people interpret her as rude and aggressive

13. Past and/or current mental health history

An unstable sense of self, core self and very low self-esteem

A history of self-harm

May have a history of crying a lot, without knowing why

May have a lengthy history of going to therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists

May have tried a variety of medications

Experiences social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder or selective mutism

Often has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits

May have one or more of the 7 types of ADHD

Has experienced ongoing depression and/or tiredness/exhaustion, without knowing why

A history of trying to understand oneself, of finding answers to explain oneself and why she feels she is different or doesn’t fit in, as a woman

A history of many doctors and counselors visits throughout university life

May have a family history of Autism, Asperger Syndrome, Bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorders

May have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia

May have been previously diagnosed with anxiety disorder depression, an eating disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder and/or ADHD

A history of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, huge mood swings

May have ROGD or be transgender

Had imaginary friends as a child/youth and often as an adult. This can be misinterpreted as schizophrenia

Eating Disorder

14. Coping Mechanisms

Compensatory Mechanisms are unfortunately what lead many an individual to receive a diagnosis much later in life when they cannot keep the mask on anymore.

May have turned to alcohol, drugs, smoking in order to cope with intense emotions, self-medicate and/or socialize/fit in and/or be accepted with a group.

May use a different persona when out in the public, in order to cope

May have developed a variety of dysfunctional coping mechanisms (for example, arrogance and/or narcissism)

May change gender or sexuality in an attempt to “fit in” and/or find the right group

Has used imitation, social echolalia to pretend to be normal, fake it or pass for normal

May rock standing up, lying down, in a rocking chair to calm down or self-soothe

May need to withdraw into bed or a dark area or a place of solitude to gain privacy, quiet and manage sensory and/or social overload

Withdrawal and/or Avoidance

May have developed a personality disorder as a means of coping with Asperger Syndrome

Transgendering into the opposite sex

15. Sixth Sense, Intuition, Psychic Abilities

Has the ability to feel other people emotions, take on the emotions of others

May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows, aka “vibing”

May be a professional psychic or medium

Possesses one or more psychic abilities

Is an “empath”

Sensitive to other people’s negativity

Often confused by the feelings she/he is having

May take on the pain of others, aka Mirror-Touch Synaesthesia. This is very challenging to manage

16. Unique abilities and Strengths

May have perfect or relative perfect pitch

Autodidactic – teaches herself

Intelligence craves knowledge and loves learning

Can teach herself just about anything she puts her mind too

Has a strong will, is determined and independent

Perfectionistic

Have a remarkable long-term memory, photographic memory

A great sense of humor

Can work very well in a “crisis” situation

Deeply reflective thinker

Resilience, an ability to go from one crisis to another, to bounce back, to start again time and time again

Attention to detail

Great in one-on-one situations or presenting to a group

More like “philosophers” than “professors, but can be both.

Seeing in the “mind’s eye” exact details, gifted visual learner

May be gifted with art, music, writing, languages, programming, acting, writing, editing, singing, an athlete

May be highly intuitive

Capable of deep philosophical thinking, females with Aspergers often become writers, vets, engineers, psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, poets, artists, singers, performers, actresses, doctors, entrepreneurs or professors.

Driven to rule bound careers, professions, organizations involved in teaching others or enforcing the rules (for example, law, religion, the military, the police)

17. Challenges

May be difficult to understand subtle emotions, for e.g., when someone is jealous or embarrassed, uninterested or bored

Keeping up appearances, passing for normal

Managing emotions and getting easily hurt by others; even if the other person was innocent

Learning difficulties

May get very upset with an unexpected change

May not be able to tell when someone is flirting with her/him

Challenging to work and function within a group

Have a need for a highly controlled environment to sleep in

Great difficulty and very sensitive to conflict, stress, arguments, fighting, wars, gossip and negativity, however ironically may engage in it

Can be very negative and have catastrophic feelings; can be very self-deprecatory toward self

Social-chit chat, small talk, conversation without a “function”, maintaining friendships and relationships, social anxiety or social phobia

May like or prefer to be by herself as much as possible

May find it challenging to understand what others expect of her

Being taken advantage of due to naivety, innocence and trusting others too much; this often leads to being in toxic relationships or friendships

Boundaries issues

A sense of justice taken to the extreme

Executive function challenges: May have difficulty filling out forms, doing paperwork (completing taxes), budgeting money, finishing a task or job, planning (meals, the day, the week, answering the phone or talking to people on the phone, how to start a particular task and get it completed, knowing where their possessions are, going to appointments, waiting in line or at an appointment

May have difficulty recognizing or remembering faces (prosopagnosia)

May have Alexythymia: cannot verbalize their feelings as they are often unsure of what they are feeling

May have Synaesthesia

May experience existential dread

Has difficulties with unexpected visitors just “dropping over”

Extreme gullibility or social naivety can get them into enormous trouble. Will often take at face value what a person says about another person

Sense of direction, wandering, getting lost in thoughts and not aware of supproundings. This makes them vulnerable to getting lost and predators

18. Empathy

May have a lack of cognitive empathy and hyper-empathy (for e.g., too much affective or sympathetic empathy)

Cognitive Empathy: The ability to predict other’s thoughts and intentions, knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Also known as perspective-taking.

Affective/Emotional Empathy: The ability or capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person, when you feel the feelings of another person along with the other person, as though their emotions are your own. Social neuroscience has found that this kind of empathy has to do with the mirror neuron system. Emotional empathy contributes to an individual being well-attuned to another person’s inner emotional world, an advantage for individuals in a wide range of careers from nursing to teaching to social work, psychology and other caring professions.

Compassionate Empathy, or “empathic concern”. This kind of empathy helps us to understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, and also be spontaneously moved to help them, if and when others need help. Under stress, Theory of mind skills may appear to be completely absent.

Sympathy: often has too much sympathy, placing her in danger, for example, I once had a young client who brought a homeless man home because, as she said, ” he had no home”

19. May have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, poor muscle tone, connective tissue disorder, double-jointed, fine and/or gross motor skill issues

20. May have an intense desire to please others and/ be liked by others and be a “people pleaser”. May become highly distressed if she has the perception that someone does not like her or actually does not like her.

21. Executive functioning difficulties may include: trouble making decisions, time management, planning ahead, organization, completing tasks.

22. May have spent a lifetime of using enormous effort to socially “pretend”, “fake it”, “fit in”, “pass for normal”. May have utilized body language books, mirrors, acting/drama classes to improve social skills.

23. May have tocophobia, the fear of childbirth or other fears (death, dying, a changing body, for example)

24. May have gender dysphoria, also known as gender identity disorder (GID) dysphoria, and is a formal diagnosis for individuals who feel and experience significant stress and unhappiness with their birth gender and/or gender roles. These individuals may refer to themselves as non-binary,  known as transsexual or transgender. This rare and was usually seen is boys and older males in the 30’s and 40’s. There is a new cohort of girls with a new type of gender dysphoria know as Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD)

25. Photographic visual memory

26. An intense and continual need to figure oneself out.

27. Hypermobility Syndrome

28. Typical sex difference has been reported (i.e., female advantage), in relation to the “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test (Eyes test), an advanced test of theory of mind.

29. May be a high systemizer leading her to go into engineering or programming. High systemizing women seem to feel the “weirdest” of the collective. Usually extreme sytemetizers of SQ>EQ. This is one factor why they have difficulty understanding and getting along with their peers (NT females), get along better with boys.males. The majority of females are Empathisers and the majority of males are systematizers. there are smaller groups of males who are empathisers and females who are systemizers. Please read Simon Baron Cohen The Pattern Seekers. This has nothing to do with ‘no empathy’.

30. May struggle with who she is gender-wise, self-identity, a fragmented sense of self, core identity, self awareness, insight. May be be gender Non-Conforming.

31. Subtypes. The varying expressions and subtypes confuse many professionals. One person on the Spectrum is one person on the Spectrum with their own individual Autistic profile.

32. Camouflaging. Most professionals do not understand camouflaging not how to observe this in clinical practice. Most individuals attending therapy, assessment or other appointment are actively camouflaging and often report not wanting their therapist to see underneath the mask. Masking, assimilation and compensation of often used, regardless of whether or not the individual is aware of using them. It is a myth that camouflaging can be achieved to the level that others cannot see it. It is not possible to the “trained eye”. Observers are aware that copying, mimicking and other strategies are being used, because they are out of context with the situation. This leads to others often misinterpreting the camouflaging. To the trained observer, camouflaging is relatively easy to see. For information about Camouflaging read my 2013 blog here and my recent blog on facial affect and camouflaging here

33. Forensic History. May include contact with law enforcement. The pathways include: stalking and harassment, domestic violence, mental health issues, a history of false complaints about others (to the government, law enforcement, infiltrating Autism groups under pseudonyms with the intention of calling CPS on vulnerable and unknowing parents (calling child protection services on the parents of parents of Autistic children), the misuse of social media, hacking, involvement with child protections services themselves, contact with the Police leading to being sectioned or jail, involvement in radical extreme cults, being arrested for disorderly conduct, possession of child pornography, being arrested for participating in extreme radical activism and rarely, for their involvement in terrorism and murder (usually family members).

Within a very large group of females, we begin to see variations, preferences, expressions and heterogeneity. Whilst all females struggle to some degree with social communication, intense interests, sensory issues and many traits as mentioned above, there is not one “type” of presentation. The most commonly known presentation of females in the Spectrum is the “Tomboy”, how there exist other presentations and it is important to talk about these, as it is these females who may never receive a diagnosis.

No one woman will have all of these traits. Some of the traits in this list may not apply to you. A level of insight and awareness is required in terms of recognising the traits, characteristics, and behavior in oneself. Autism or Asperger Syndrome often co-occurs with  Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Irlen Syndrome, Dyspraxia/Disability of Written Expression, Auditory Processing Disorder and/or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Individual traits and characteristics can vary from mild to severe.

Therapy, Social Camouflaging and Identity

Many females may be referred by a therapist for therapy and assessment. Therapists need to be aware of social camouflaging. Some signs to look for are:

Unconscious social camouflaging

Pretends to understand what the therapist is saying when they don’t

Making eye contact even when its uncomfortable

Needing more time to process

Performative acting

May say they don’t know how they feel

May have Alexytthymia

Need modified therapy

Common pathways to a late/very late diagnosis:

A late diagnosis is any diagnosis after starting school. However, for the purposes of adults, I am referring to late diagnosis and very late diagnosis, from 18 years of age and older.

  1. Suspect they may have adult female ADHD and/or Autism. Not all people with Autism have ADHD
  2. Referral from another mental health professionals (therapists), psychiatrist, GP’s, agencies, organisations
  3. Contact or involvement with the Police, law enforcement or time spent in jail, youth justice
  4. Contact with Child Protection Services
  5. Referral from workplace or self-referral due to work conflict or recent loss of job
  6. A family history of Autism, i.e., having a child on the Spectrum
  7. Works in the field of Autism and sees the traits in herself
  8. Many previous ‘labels’ and seeking diagnostic clarification
  9. Autistic burnout/crisis
  10. Works in the ‘caring’ professions
  11. Psychologists and other mental health professionals/professionals seeing the traits in themselves
  12. Working with NeuroDivergent children and identifying with their traits
  13. Eating Disorder
  14. Gender Dysphoria (small group within the larger group)
  15. Works in STEM
  16. A history of belong to a variety of “cults” that meet the criteria for the definition of a cult, may have exited a cult and wanting to renter and/or reintegrate to society.
  17. Relationship OCD (ROCD)
  18. Thriving in lockdown during the Pandemic, which is seen as ‘odd’ by professionals
  19. A breakdown in mental health
  20. Motherhood, having children and ADHD/ASD
  21. A small proportion (approx. 20%) non-binary Gender Dysphoria, Trans-Identifying and/or Transgender/Transsexual
  22. Medical issues: Hashimotos, EDS, Gut issues, PCOS, Endometriosis, Severe Acne, Fatigue, Allergies, Skin issues, Early Puberty, sensory processing, interoception issues, proprioception issues, sensory processing issues, CFS, Adrenal Fatigue, PTSD or C-PTSD
  23. Has spent yers in therapy since childhood and gone without a proper diagnosis

Common fields of work:

Rule bound careers, the arts, STEM

PROTECTIVE FACTORS

Temperament, personality style and mental health of parents

A higher social IQ and emotional IQ

Parenting style

Strengths-based view whilst supporting challenges

Strong boundaries

Personality traits such as resilience, determination

A strong faith

Higher SES

Education

Early diagnosis and appropriate support/intervention

Access to ethical and unbiased Mental health Supports

An environmental fit that promotes thriving

Appropriate Intervention and support throughout adolescence

The combination of resilience and attitude (self love and self worth is protective factor (Ignorant obvious to passive aggressive bulling and other comments)

High achieving personality and healthy interest

To be cont…

UNIQUE VULNERABILITIES, RISK FACTORS AND RED FLAGS FOR DANGER IN A SMALLER GROUP of the LARGER GROUP

Most of us are brainwashed on a daily basis by media and propaganda, however, Autistic individuals are uniquely vulnerable to social influence. This is why assessment and diagnosis is critical. Social naivity, combined with concrete thinking can lead an Autistic person (diagnosed or undiagnosed) to blindly follow groups or persons of influence and power. Many have histories of belonging to fringe groups, cults, being recruited into cults and/or have a lengthy history of going from one cult to another and are extremely vulnerable to suggestion, influence and/or being taken advantage of. There is a tendency to take what others say literally and at ‘face value’. This vulnerability, in combination with a number of other factors can lead to self-destruction and/or vulnerability to being radicalised and a number of irreversible consequences.

A lack of social skills training. For example, not knowing that looking at child pornography is wrong

Unwell parents, parenting style, a lack of boundaries

Sexual abuse. Autistic females have a 3X or more greater risk of sexual abuse

Drugs and addiction

Mental health

Severity of traits

Unmonitored use of social media

Extreme black or white and concrete thinking, literal thinking combined with a lack of understanding others intentions, social naivity, negative thinking, trauma and intense obsessive interests on a person, school shooters, serial killers, horror movies and so on, is a molotov cocktail for destruction and must be red flagged with anti radicalisation organisations, national security, mental health

Adverse Childhood Events (ACE), the more ACE the more higher the chance of leading to psychopathy

Some ACE include: sexual, emotional, psychological, physical abuse. These experiences cause trauma leading to damage to the brain

No diagnosis or a late diagnosis and/or no support, treatment, assistance. A lack of diagnostic clarification

A lack of services, unable to afford services, few choices in services

A denial of appropriate therapeutic services

Radicalisation leading to a late diagnosis. More on radicalisation, coming soon

Stalking, on-line or off-line and other fixated obsessive behaviours on a person. This may lead to restraining orders and other police or court/legal involvement

Predators often directly recruit Autistic individuals, of all ages, online, because they know they are socially naive. They are targeted and infiltrate Autistic groups online. They may say they are Autistic as a means to recruit Autistic individuals. This recruitment can be directly related to child trafficking, human trafficking, cults, sex trafficking and/or radical groups and/or terrorism. The use of language and wording within these groups are red flags.

About Tania Marshall

Tania Marshall is an award-winning author, presenter, trainer and Clinical Psychotherapist and educator/trainer. She holds a Masters of Science in Applied Psychology and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She completed an 18-month full-time post-masters externship at a private special needs school, working with many neurodiverse people, K-12 and their families. During that time, she also worked in private practice under the supervision of a clinical psychologist. She was nominated for 2019, 2016 and 2015 ASPECT Autism Australia National Recognition Awards, all in the Advanced category for her work advancing the field of female Autism. Her first book entitled I Am AspienGirl: The Unique Characteristics, Traits and Gifts of Young Females on the Spectrum, Foreward by Dr. Judith Gould, is an international bestseller and an IPPY 2015 ELit Gold medal award winner. Her second book entitled I Am AspienWoman: The Unique Characteristics, Traits and Gifts of Adult Females on the Spectrum, Foreward by Dr. Shana Nichols was released late 2015, is an international bestseller won a 2016 IPPY eLIT Gold medal in the Women’s Studies category.

Tania is the Australian Chair of the International Association of Psychology & Counseling,  to advancing knowledge and excellence in education and clinical practice in psychology, counseling, and related professional fields.

She is a self managed and plan managed NDIS Provider. She regularly provides diagnostic assessments, impressions assessments, support, problem-solving sessions, coaching and intervention for neurodiverse individuals of all ages across the lifespan. She sees people of all ages who are are artists, scientists, engineers, entrepreneurs, gifted and talented, supermodels, singers, authors, performers, dancers, celebrities and/or Twice-exceptional (2e), just to name a few.

Tania has contractual obligations as a consultant to forensics, however her books are open to genuine inquiries. She does see individuals on a case by case basis. Please email her at aspiengirl@gmail.com if you would like to work with her.  She has a large referral base of professionals, agencies and organisations that she refers individuals too. If you are a provider and would like to add your name to the list, please email Tania at aspiengirl@gmail.com with ‘PROVIDER’ in the subject heading.

If you are seeking an impressions assessment, please email with ‘ASSESSMENT in the subject heading

If you would like to hire Tania for Police training, please email with ‘POLICE’ in the subject heading

If you would like to hire Tania to present on the Autistic female profile, assessment and diagnosis and therapy, please email with ‘TRAINING’ in the subject heading

If you would like to get on the mailing list for Tania’s training courses, webinars, please email with ‘COURSES’ in the subject heading

If you are interested in Tania’s research, please email her with ‘RESEARCH’ in the subject heading

If you are a publisher interested in Tania’s work or want Tania to write a book or article(s), please email with ‘PUBLISHER’ in the subject heading

If you are an organisation or agency, researcher, psychiatrist, law enforcement, public or private and you are interested in the specific sub-type and profile most likely to be successful in intelligence, counter-terrorism and solving of crimes, OR If you are law enforcement and wish to consult with Tania about the unique subtype most vulnerable to recruitment OR you are interested in learning more about the Autistic female profile in relation to forensics and the research OR you want to learn how to better interpret Autistic body language, including facial affect, body language, social-communication, sensory sensitivities in relation to DECEPTION, please email with ‘INTELLIGENCE’ in the subject heading

To enquire or book Skype/Zoom assessments, problem-solving sessions and/or support, interviews, articles, publishing inquiries, translations/translating of her books, presentations, workshops, conferences, Police, cybersecurity, intelligence enquiries and trainings, please e-mail Tania at aspiengirl@gmail.com

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1,131 thoughts on “Aspienwomen: Moving towards an Adult Female Profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome/Neurodivergence

  1. Thankyou Tania for this useful and extensive resource. I can relate to much of it, having started to wonder when my 11 year old son was diagnosed. I also have three nephews with the condition and almost certainly a mother. Due to my ongoing struggles with my mental health and work environment, I plan to ask my GP for referral for assessment and will almost certainly be taking your list for backup. They already think I am neurotic due to having such severe PMS that I will shortly be having a hysterectomy!

    1. Thank-you Befuddledandbemused for your comments. Unfortunately, there is no adult female assessment tool, but that will be changing soon. There are certain assessment tools that are used with females, bearing in mind they were created based on the male profile. All the best!

      1. This is a very thorough and helpful list for those of us who suspect we may have Aspergers. I identify with almost all of them. I was wondering if you could recommend any other female authors (besides Rudy Simone, Lianne Holliday-Wiley, and Donna Williams) who have well-written first-hand accounts of their life experience with Aspergers. Also, who are the leading clinicians besides Tony Attwood that are studying how Aspergers manifests in women?

      2. Hello Angela B, thank-you for your message. Other book I think you may or may not find useful (depends on how you relate to them) are: A different kind of normal by Jeanette Purkis, Women from the Wrong Planet, any and all of Temple Grandin’s books, My Life with Aspergers, by Megan Hammond. All the best!

      3. Thanks for the insightful work. After taking a systematization test on 23andMe…my journey began. My AQ test…high. I then stumbled upon your work. All the questions were being answered for me as to my lifelong struggles. I sought out a female psych familiar with female aspire traits. After more tests..she was able to render the dx. Yep, I have aspergers, now called high functioning autism due to the DSM change. Scary a bit, yet oddly some what of a relief concurrently. I have very many of the traits but for I am very good at organizing. I wear myself out organizing everything! I think I have Erlens as well. Thanks so very much for providing this forum.

      4. I’m interested to hear you thoughts on this Baron-Cohen article regarding gendering autistic traits.

        “Associating camouflaging with a “female specific” presentation of autism could lead to disparities in diagnosis with nonbinary people and males not being diagnosed, because they do not fit the “female phenotype.” It is crucial that we better understand autistic adults’ experiences of camouflaging (regardless of gender), the impact of camouflaging on mental health, and how this impact could be reduced. The current study, therefore, aimed to qualitatively explore autistic adults’ experiences of camouflaging and the impact on their mental health. Many autistic adults remain undiagnosed, which may, in part, be due to successful camouflaging.17–19 We, therefore, recruited both autistic adults who reported having a confirmed diagnosis and those who self-identified as autistic”

        https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/aut.2020.0071

      1. I thank you, very much.
        I have Asperger’s syndrome and no one really understands, but I have a lot of these traits, I’m to be honest rather shocked on the knowledge of it, I really think you’ve gotten into my brain!

    2. Well. That explains a lot.

      Is childhood abuse common in girls with this diagnosis?

  2. Fantastic! I fit a lot of those symptoms, I find it very hard to understand others and for them to understand me which leads to a feeling of not being good enough constantly 🙁 Luckily just this year I have found a friend who also a Aspie woman and we have got each other! x

      1. That is so true…I can spot an asperwoman a mile away! I was never formally diagnosed however, I have spent my life since a teen highly introspective and seeking knowledge on what was making me the way I am. In addition, I come from a family who all have these symptoms and my three daughters do also. It has been a long 23 years of single parenting with all of us like this. I and my girls fit 98% of the above descriptions…Most psychologists never even addressed it as aspergers. So I had to do the research and help my girls to develop coping skills in every area. I then got a degree (actually 1 math class short of a BA due to not being able to pass the class 3 times) I have many partial degrees lol…just shy of each of them by 1-3 classes. Im an artist (bronze sculptor and painter) by profession. But intensely struggle to do follow-ups and paper work and….makes me feel so inadequate. Many people see my work and ask “why aren’t you famous lol” Little do they know how hard I try to organize and manage everything which prevents success. Anyway, I could write for hours on the subject just about my girls and family and self.
        Thank you so much for posting this very important list. I will send it to my girls and I know they will find solace in just knowing. They don’t believe me lol and say I think everyone is an apsie..lol

      2. Trying to get help for my daughter who hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but as a mother who has Cyclothymia/ borderline Bipolar I am at my wits end trying to get professionals to take my daughter symptoms seriousely , it’s really affecting my health.She becomes angry about everything and the fact she doesn’t cope with stress makes things worse, she is 32 yr old woman and I don’t know if she has asperges or personality disorder, what I do know is she needs help. I was misdiagnosed for years and told it was depression and as a result contuing with meds worsened my condition causing me to have Cyclothymia. My daughter only started working for the first time since leaving school 3 yrs ago and it’s part time but the stress on the job has nearly caused her to have a breakdown which she has had a couple of yrs ago. I only hope that having spoke to her today about where we go next we can move forward as we are planning to change doctors to see if this would make a difference.

  3. I don’t have Irlen Syndrome (or at least not a very severe case of it, more just getting lost when reading than being unable to read, I actually enjoy reading a lot when I’m in the mood for it: fantasy novels and manga) and I don’t self medicate with alcohol/drugs/cigarettes because of sensory issues, and I’m usually verging on asexuality but can’t say I’m 100% there yet. Every other thing on that list is me though.

  4. thank you for this. it was god to read something looking at the female aspect of aspergers for a change. i feel like printing this out and writing next to each point how it fits me.
    I’m not sure that the sex change (gender change is such a bad way of describing it) is to ‘fit in’, for me it was more to do with being less wrong in my body, and perhaps having aspergers merely inclines someone more towards introspection and self-analysis (to determine how to adjust peronsality to better fit) and so any birth issues, such as being TS are highlighted and become intolerable, where someone who is less concerned with self-understanding might not consider changing.
    it was good to see the ability to feel someone else’s emotions in there too. I’ve found i am very sensitive to them, so i mostly have that facility shut down because other people are so emotionally dangerous. it is nice when someone is safe enough to be able to feel with them.

      1. just described me..to a tee..also include actually disorientated alot especially anywhere new or different.i.e. literally different places..which is why they’re better off living where they are from..Spot on..all so called “Psychologists” and General Practitioners should read this..also very prone to being mercilessly bullied young..even into lots of things they don’t want..

    1. It’s so nice to hear my experience reflected in the experience of another. Nice to feel that I am not bad for being unable to fit and pass for normal. I pretend not to try anymore (but I’m still trying…..). It seems to be the only way to excel and succeed. Just completed a social work degree. My “overthinking ” got me on the dean’s lost with multiple scholarship nominations and publication offers due to professorial recognition….but 2 years graduated and no one in my small province will touch me with a ten foot pole, because of my odd personality/ interactions, which clients, but not co-workers, are fine with. So my daughters continue to see the mother and role model struggle to meet their needs, while living on an income below the poverty line: not my intentions upon beginning my degree. So much struggle in this life.

  5. Great list, I can relate to very many points in it.
    One thing that is very characteristic for me (might not be true for others): money has never been a motivation for me. (I’m nearly 50 now). Certainly one of the reasons why I did learn three different professions very successfully but never hesitated to change to a more interesting one. I need to be able to learn new things every day, and I need success, praise, approval, the feeling that I am being valued and that what I do makes sense. I absolutely can’t bring myself to do a job just for the money.

    About the gender thing, for me that feels a little bit different to what you describe. I always felt I was different, and back when I was young there wasn’t even the term “Aspie”. I looked into all sorts of groups that were somehow “different” from mainstream – trying to find out what it was about me that made me feel so different. Not because I wanted to fit in somewhere (never really did 😉 but because I wanted to know why I was outside, if that makes sense.

    1. Yes, that is mainly why I went looking – recognizing that I and many other family members were so different. All of us have achieved at an exceptional level – and like you, it’s not motivated by money. To the rest of the world it looks like success (peer recognition; incredible opportunities that keep coming; yes, money), but really, I can honestly say, I think all of us would turn our backs on our various career paths if we weren’t getting the opportunity to understand, be part of a bigger purpose.

      I have not officially been diagnosed with Asbergers, although after reading this description (the traits), I think it would be hard not to be diagnosed with Asbergers – finally something describes me, in a way that finally makes sense!!
      Einstein has a quote that goes something like: “it’s not that I’m so much smarter, it’s just that I stick with a problem for longer”. That describes me. I don’t know anyone (other than some of my family members), that can tolerate my intensity once I start delving into a complex problem. I’m like a dog with a bone. But the result is that my understanding of complex social issues is clear and enables me to see things in a very big picture way. There are very few people/academics/thinkers articulating what I can see. I find it so exciting when I come across such writers because they help confirm to me that I am not “off base”. But it’s lonely, and it sometimes feels like a curse – because usually it’s me in whatever work I’m doing that sees the really big picture. I can see when people are too limited in their thinking, or off base when doing future or strategic planning. But because I can see it so clearly, the task of bringing everyone else to that awareness always falls to me. I wish sometimes that I could just sit back and participate instead of being the one to corel, educate – not drop the ball – until enough people can see and embrace what I have seen. I would say that I feel responsible to make sure that I have done my very best to impart my vision – because being “on track” is sustainable and energizing. Solutions that are too short sighted or flawed, drain resources and sap people’s energy. It’s hard for me to work hard on something when I can see that it is systemically flawed.

      In biblical times, did they call people like us, prophets (because we could see the really big picture so clearly)? I work really, really hard till I understand, I don’t wake up from a dream with everything in front of me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my brain buzzing because I’ve made a new, insightful connection that helps develop my deeper understanding of the issue or problem.

      Hmmm, I’ve gone on a bit. Can anyone relate? I do not want to have come across as arrogant or grandiose. I am actually vey humble, and truly believe that my insights are gleaned from what others teach me; from my discussions with others; from my reading (what others have written) etc. i stand on the shoulders of others.
      I really wanted to put this out there as honestly as I could, what I am struggling with, to see if others could relate.

      1. I can definitely relate. I couldn’t have put it better. In fact sometimes I have a hard time articulating what I’m thinking and how I feel, but reading what you’ve written describes how I feel at work. My mind is always on and once fixated I have a hard time stopping until I’ve reached success.

      2. Hi, yes I can relate! I think so deeply about the topics that are important to me that I find it frightening and lonely.

      3. I strongly relate to your comments about seeing the big picture when others don’t. I have had such difficulties expressing myself, however, that I have given up and retreated more often than not, feeling that I am too intense, or “wrong”, although my insights, like yours, have come from much study and reflection and integration. I wish for a route to my thinking that is not dependent on my inadequate ability to communicate, or to speak succinctly. The web of thought is endless and difficult to tame.

      4. Wow, you expressed “me” so well!! I am sooo excited to find a place where others are describing what has been a very, very lonely journey. I am not complaining though. I am just thrilled to be able to better understand this enormously powerful gift. I have tried to “run away”, and hide from those parts of me that make me so different from those around me: my level of intensity; my need to understand and make sense of things; the care/love/empathy-with/compassion for life and our interconnectedness with all things; my need for “truth”. Running away never worked – so now at 45, I am embracing me, and it’s very exciting! Especially as I discover others with a similar way of being in the world.

        What I am beginning to be more confident about, is that I really do believe that we have an important role to play in the world. The fact that I am not the greatest oral communicator, doesn’t need to be the arbiter of whether or not my insights aren’t relevant and in need of being shared. If I can see more clearly than those around me whilst we all “grope in the dark” for the way forward, I have come to recognize that those who truly care about careful discernment and integrity, also recognize that I have a strength that they don’t have. I recognize their respect for me and my insights. It is frustrating for me to see those that I am working with head in the wrong direction, so in those instances, I become much more pro-active in choosing which battles to push hard on. Anyway, I guess I have found that I have to work with others – which is how I develop my ideas best anyway. I have to make sure that I have discussed the problem and vision enough to ensure that they are on-board. In the end, they are the ones who help to carry the vision forward. All that being said, I do find that in meetings when what needs to be said and isn’t being said, and things are at risk of slipping off the tracks, I can speak in a very compelling way.

        I have spent quite a bit of time looking at some of the great thinkers/paradigm shifters/ and leaders through history. There are quite a few who stand out as having what I think are similar ways of being in the world to those of us on the spectrum: Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, Temple Grandin, Steve Jobs, Jacob Barnett, Galileo, – and interestingly, many of my family members (which was the initial reason that I started searching for what made my family so different). Because my son was diagnosed with ADD and also fits somewhere on the spectrum, I started getting involved in issues around Education and learning differences/”disabilities”. What I am fascinated by, is that when I sit in on some of the various support groups, which brings together the parents and children with LD’s, it becomes obvious that there is often an intelligence and creativity that is being squished by the current models of education and the way in which society is set up in the Western World. Christine Barnett, wrote in her book “Spark, A Mother’s Tale of Nurturing Genius”, that the system focusses on what these kids can’t do, it doesn’t typically nurture them in their strengths. She found that when she did build on their strengths and passions, not only did they relatively easily overcome or manage their difficulties better, but they often shone with creativity or “genius”.

      5. I am so happy that I found this site! I can totally relate to what you and everyone else here has to say.
        Most of the time I feel cursed by how I am and my deficits, but actually those deficits are made up by all of the other abilities I have that are unique to being an aspie, its just that other people don’t see and recognize this. I know that I am a good person with a lot to share with society, and I believe that all aspies are very special people who should love themselves, but being a black & white thinker, for me personally, has become a love-hate kind of thing. I wish I was “normal”, but glad that I’m not.
        Thanks for writing this, please keep on!
        Here is one place that I truly feel ” normal”!

      6. I feel much like you do. This feels like a safe place where I can feel safe and “normal.” While I’ve been able to share my situation with my husband, my sister and one very close friend, I realize that that’s the extent of it. Sharing it beyond that small group is impossible. The risk is too great. Because all of those wonderful people in my life aren’t Aspiens, they can never truly know what I experience, even though they are enormously supportive. But the women here can, and I am so grateful for that. We need to tell our stories.

      7. Yes I can relate what you say is spot on, unfortunately I’m out of work and don’t have this pressure on me, however I’m currently trying to resolve another serious family health issue and I’m like a dog with a bone but the good thing about it is the buzz I get from solving these issues like you I’m a humble person but I still think there are times when I’m wiser than some, without blowing my own trumpet. You just keep telling yourself you are unique and there is not another person like you.

      8. Beautifully put. Have spent my life learning to explain what I can see to other people. It brings relief to realise you’re not the first, or the only one to see what you can. Its not arrogance, or grandiosity, just fact. However, it’s so easy fall into self-loathing and doubt, particularly if you have been bullied, or surrounded by people who have been jealous and played the ‘who do you think you are?’ card. Agree that we can only ever ‘stand on the shoulders of giants’, everything I know, or have ever done is an assimilation of what came before.

        In reading the article and comments, the feeling of relief at hearing of others who are having the same experience is tangible. Nice to know I’m not wandering alone in the wilderness 🙂

      9. I absolutely identify. It sometimes feels like my exclusive role to synthesize all my personal, relevant working information and understanding of an issue/process into a succinct methodology or thesis. I am incredibly good at making very simple things complicated and also the reverse. I also struggle to write this, convinced as I am, that I am liable to be either misunderstood or ignored – (or both!) as is usual

      10. This is from forever ago, but I understand you completely. Everything you said rings true with me, I could just never understand it. Thank you for posting.

    2. I am 70 years old. My first son was recognised as autistic when he was a toddler, and had himself diagnosed with Aspergers in adulthood as he is high-functioning and lives on his own, but needed the support. He is now 46. I have often wondered if I am also an ‘Aspie’, and went through the list just now going ‘Yes, yes, yes …” to almost every trait. My own differentness has ended up with me as a research astrologer and writer. As an astrologer you quickly realise that any label is only that, a label, and doesn’t explain a set of characteristics or behaviours at all – merely identifies them. I have been studying the natal charts of autistic people for years, and what you see over and over again is the differentness, the need for peace and quiet, the hyper-sensitivity, often great spirituality – priorities and tastes that don’t coincide with the social norm. I am most interested to see the comment suggesting that as a group we may have much in common with the prophets because we see the bigger picture. I think there’s a lot in that. I went to an elderly psychic shortly after I had my second (‘normal’?) son, and she actually said – never having met or known about me before, and not even knowing I was married – that I had one child that was literally from another planet. I already knew he was unusual (he saw things, and, I believe on one occasion at age 2+, channelled) but was otherwise ignorant of what that meant. She got me right, and she got him right. And she got my future right. An amazing lady. Her name was Nan Whittle and she worked at the SAGB (Spiritualist Association of Great Britain.) If anyone reading this is interested in sending me their date, time and place of birth I would be most grateful, as it will help my own research into the depths and subtleties of our kind of people. You can find me on Facebook as RevPamCrane. Thank you, Tania, for your inspiring and helpful page.

      1. Hi Pam, I tried to find you on facebook but you didnt come up. I would like to give you my dob etc if you are interested? Reading through the traits of Asbergers I feel I also have it…

      2. wow Pam, what you just wrote sent spine tingles through me.
        Its only been in the last few weeks that Ive even began to investigate Aspergers, and its almost like the holy grail that has answered everything that was going on in my quite lonely often strange world growing up. I just always assumed everyone else thought like I did…I now see clearly that is not the case…lol You NEVER forget the names you were called or the horrible, unwarranted and highly misinformed comments teachers made.
        Anyway, I feel quite happy today, but at the same time overwhelmingly angry. To be expected I guess.
        What interested me the most though about your comments Pam, was your link to Astrology. I was actually having that in depth conversation with myself just yesterday (lol…sure others here will relate to that). Here’s the thing, I was always drawn to Astrology, but at the same time knew that it was dangerous to read those daily horoscopes. Im Sagittarius, and you of all people will recognise that Sagittarius almost perfectly describes what many Aspergers are like… floaty, expansive, determined, single minded, funny, sometimes blunt, arrogant, foot in mouth… get what Im saying. (I was NEVER the life of any party, unless I was drinking, just to cope) In my case, my thinking that I was simply a rather typical Sagg has in a way delayed me being “diagnosed”. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, and yet, here I am laugh crying with relief.
        I detest labels and ticking boxes in most cases, and refuse to do it, however, for once in my life I feel strangely relieved that I have figure out my “disorder”… I never felt disordered, I just wondered why everyone else was so uptight and pedantic…lol

  6. To prepare you, I would like to inform you that I have posted a link to this article on another blogging site. I am a 27 year old woman with Asperger’s, and this was a very insightful read. I shared it on the website “Tumblr”, so that other women with autism may read this. There is a very large population of autistic Tumblr users, so you may begin to receive messages on here, depending on how many people see and share the link to your article. I hope the awareness helps. You can message me for any further discussion at rainiebrit.tumblr.com, by clicking on the ‘ask’ button. Other users that find this article may also volunteer their assistance. I hope any and all help can be had.

  7. If only there was a prize for getting the most ticks!!!! There would obviously be strong competition for such a prize – but you appear to have us ‘big girls’ nailed. Well done and now after all your good work – what’s your prize????

    1. Hello Cheyne, thank-you for your message and your kind words. I think at some point I will be awarded with another degree (my third). Each and every person I see in my clinic teaches me something and I love my work.

  8. great blog, very professional. my mother said if my head wasnt attached to my shoulders, i’d lose it too, but i remember clearly things from my early childhood.
    I hate small talk and get bored, anxious, and depressed if being around people for too long. i’m emotionally exhausted.
    animals and nautre are the only things in this world that can comfort me. as a child, i was fascinated by moving treetops, rain, dogs, and cats. i’d be euphoric in their presence, but didnt have one single friend and used to pace back and forth and flap my fingers in breaktime in school, instead of playing with the other girls.
    i get deprssed, anxious, and angry at the drop of a hat.
    my low pain threshold is an embarrassment and an obstacle, but taking self defense classes and falling from a bicycle and down the stairs, i’m half numb to punches and being banged on the head. although i grind my teeth, grimace, and rub my shoes back and forth on the floor during a blood test.

  9. This article hits home, hard. I feel as if you walked clear past my skin, jumping straight into my mind and continuing right on through my past. Incredible information, presented very well. I have been telling friends that I think I’m autistic and I wasn’t joking. Your articles on Aspergerwomen have given me information that I have never read before. TY

  10. Man, i need to find me an Asperwoman… I’m an Asperdude (23 years old) and no freakin’ wonder i have such high standards when it comes to an actual relationship. A lot of the stuff mentioned in this article, actually describes things i do or feel strongly about. Weird lol

    1. Hi Chase, thank-you for your message. You are one of a few comments I have received from “Asperdudes” who identify with this. There are sub-types of aspies. Generally speaking, relationship that involve Aspie and Aspie work quite well because they are similar and/or have similar interests, and usually have similar social preferences. Good luck:-)

    2. Hi Aspiedude…lol…My daughter is 23 and has never had a strong healthy “relationship” because she is usually unaware that a guy is interested even though most guys can’t resist her. She has beauty and strength on her side but the average dude is not qualified for her. Her welding instructor had to tell every guy in the shop to keep there eyes and hands off her or they got kicked out of the class. When she does like a dude, she doesn’t show it like most girls with flirting. She gets buddy buddy with them and they don’t get it and think there is no interest. Its an interesting road. But good luck and keep your standards high anyway, a great girl is worth the wait.

  11. I enjoyed your article. I am wondering though if it is strange given what you wrote that I am an Autistic woman who has an obsession with horror films? Most of the other things you wrote do apply to me.

    1. Hello Cal, thank you for your message. What I have learned through my clinical practice is that one person with Autism is one person with Autism. I have found that there are both many similarities and also differences. I have met some individuals who love horror, and many others, as I mentioned, who are unable to view them. Obsessions are also highly variable and no, it is not strange at all. Thank you for your question. All the best.

  12. Thank you thank you, wow now I feel i’m getting somewhere. the information is spot on and now i don’t feel like i’m some freak. related to so much of it that it was like ready me. Thanks heaps for helping me find me.

    1. Hello monique and thank you for your message. One of the reasons I set up my blog was to provide education and awareness about females and asperger syndrome/autism. I have been overwhelmed both in my clinical work, my blog, facebook and email by inquiries, assessment, diagnosis and support. Many of the people I talk to, both young and old discuss feeling like a ‘freak’, ‘geek’, ‘weird’, ‘strange’, ‘screwed up’, ‘messed up’, ‘different’, ‘eccentric’, ‘odd’ and more. You and all the others are intelligent unique ‘out of the box’ thinkers. Many Aspies make amazing contributions to the world because of their unique characteristics, gifts and talents. I am only too pleased to help you find yourself:-) All the best!

      1. None of this is SCIENTIFICALLY VALID. Psychology is not a science. Pop-psychology ought never to be used as a diagnosis. Asperger’s has become a fad, just like other New-Age self help nonsense.

      2. Hi Gina Rex: Could you further explain your viewpoint please?

        While I can understand your point of view – many people are searching for a reason as to why they feel very, very “off”. And perhaps run into a million things in their life time where they think something sounds like them – and they only reason they come across it is because it’s a fad. However, I don’t think people who are honestly searching for a reason that they are the way they are take each new label and apply it to themselves. Probably many of us have come across a pshycological diagnosis and realized it doesn’t fit.

        A disorder comes form having a set of traits that inhibit a persons ability to lead a fulfilling life. I think many people, women in particular who have a true Aspergers diagnosis suffer because they cannot successfully have relationships, they feel alone. They cannot communicate their needs or wants, or even know if those needs and wants are valid and need someone else to tell them that it’s okay to want or need those things.

        Anyway, I would just like you to, maybe, explain yourself and view point a little more. I’m interested in what you have to say.

      3. I am a mother that of a son that is now being tested for aspbergers and I have always Identified with him when now o e else understands. I would like to get a formal diagnosis for myself but don’t know where to go to get this. I can’t find anywhere in my area. I’m near the Kansas city area of kansas

  13. Tania, I shared this post on my blog and I look forward to your post about traits of teen girls with AS. 🙂

  14. Hi Tanya,

    Congratulations on some excellent work and publications in this field. I was wondering if you or anyone you know could help to assess a client of mine who I believe has Aspergers but is undiagnosed. She is facing a lot of discrimination and I think I could help her if I can put a finger on why she is so singled out or disenfranchised from her peer community.

    She is in a lot of trouble. I took on her matter pro bono because I think the system is completely letting her down and she needs a helping hand.

    Please advise. I look forward to hearing from you.

    B H

  15. Hello!
    As someone who’s in the process of (most likely) being diagnosed with AS, am pretty much already self-diagnosed, there’s one thing that sticks out as strange to me. While I certainly do have special interests and obsessions, very strong ones at that, I hardly ever talk about them to anyone. I might discuss it with a friend whom I know share the interest, but most of my family and friends don’t even know what I like.
    I don’t like it when people who don’t “get” my interests starts talking negatively about them, and I also just assume that they’re not interested, so I don’t talk to them about it. In fact I find my obsessions quite embarrassing and almost try to hide them.
    Is that a common Aspie behavior or am I unusual?

    1. I do this, and I’m pretty sure I’m an Aspie. I love to read and write. I love 80’s fantasy movies and young adult fantasy series. I don’t talk about my loves with anyone. I think it’s mostly because of where I live, though. People here don’t seem to value intellectual pursuits or conversation. So, because I try to adapt and I don’t want to draw additional attention to myself, I hide my interests and stick to the small talk. With my close friends,though, I can sometimes talk about my interests b/c I know that even if they don’t share them, they accept them and appreciate my perspective.

  16. My God, you’ve just described me in this post. I had no idea my troubles dealing with people and my own emotions, the short-term interest in activities and even the desability to manage emotions when hungry, etc etc, could be something like this! I’ve indentified myself mainly in social relationship and communication (I often change words and say incomprehensive phrases when I want to say something to people that know the subject better than me or when I want to share a point of view with someone that I know that have arguments to make about what I’ve said and it’s very embarassing). I find it very difficult to deal with my interests because they are very intense at the beginning and then they suddenly losts its brightness. At school my teachers said I was very inteligent but I could not paid attention to what I was doing. This was the reason I learned very fast and correctly but was never brilliant when tested. I simply could not review what I’ve done. However, I graduated at pharmacy university at normal time (and after a couple years I changed totally my career to be a photographer). Psycotherapy helped me so much last year when I was depressed, but after reading this I realized that there are much more work to do in this area than I though.
    Thank you very much for posting this enlightening text and sorry for the English mistakes (I’m Brazilian). Best wishes, Tatiane

  17. This is me have often wondered about it as got a 19 year old son and a 13 year old daughter on the asd spectrum amongst other things. Thankyou for sharing this.

  18. As I’ve seen from other comments. I have a 12 yr. old boy who is autistic and started seeing much of myself in him. I have taken the AQ test hundreds of times (i come up aspie everytime) and have done lots of research on women and asd. This is the first time I’ve seen a list for women specifically. I went down this list and all I kept saying was “this is me, this is me, OH yes, that’s me. yup. me me me” I have been misdiagnosed adhd, bipolar, and borderline personality. I’ve been on so many meds that never worked except for the klonopin i used to take for anxiety. Oh i could go on and on. I’m looking to get an ‘official’ diagnosis but I know now, why I feel like such an alien all the time. Thank you so much for this. And I’m so happy i’m not alone.

    1. Wrote about my daughter earlier who is 32yr old undiagnosed, but I’ve been diagnosed a yr ago with Cyclothymia/borderline Bipolar maybe we are both Apies n the docs have it wrong. My 5 yr old Grandson was diagnosed Autistic a couple of yrs ago a just wish my daughter could get the support she needs. I will speak to my therapist on my next visit only prob is I dnt think they Nhs mental health profession really care as much x

    2. Yes there is no effective treatment in medication for Autism nor Aspies the only effective treatment is hands on skills and a good therapist Anti anxiety meds are the only effective treatment in very severe situations that cause lack of sleep especially in
      panic attacks the good news the older you get the less intense the anxiety attacks become hence need for meds.

      1. please consider the emerging awareness of the underrated power of food-as-medicine. Dr. Michael Greger, author and lecturer in this area of self-health care, has put together many educational videos outlining the many mainstream and fringe studies which are increasingly coming to light as a real alternative to harmful, ineffective, and expensive pharmaceuticals for depression and anxiety. His series on foods which turn around as well as prevent depressiona and anxiety are a good starting point for how and why we need to turn to everyday self-health care methods before we introduce the big guns – questionable pharmaceuticals which often do not work, cause structural damage to the very systems screaming for nourishment, protection, and altering in the first place. go to nutritionfacts.org and use their search function to get your self-education started.

      2. I have to agree with the power of food. With Serotonin receptors in the gut allowing a symbiotic relationship with the brain, how can food not have an effect. I have found that since using a low FODMAP diet my energy levels and mood have improved dramatically. There has also been a calming of my Aspieness too.

  19. Dear Tania, welcome from Hungary (little country in Middle-Europe). Thank you for your comprehensive work with this blog, it is very helpful for me (too)!
    Here we have almost nobody who deals with aspie-adults. My story was „general”: misdiagnosed with bpd, mistreated with drugs etc., finally found myself the truth. I’m 32 yo and I get my right diagnosis last year – and i feel first in my life that i exist and i’m not an alien. 🙂
    So, thank you once again!

    1. Hello ZodiacRaven, thank-you for reaching out from Hungary! You are welcome and I will be updating my female characteristic profiles/descriptions regularly. Unfortunately, it is common all over the globe to have difficulty finding services for Aspie adults, so you are not alone. Many adults live their whole lives without having a logical explanation for their feelings of being an “alien”. Congratulations on your diagnosis and I wish you all the best!

  20. My clinical diagnoses was just 2 weeks ago, but all my life I’ve “known”. I identified so strongly with the Hungarian womans statement about finally feeling like a “Self” .. knowing I was not like “other people” made me believe I must not be a “people”. A wonderful self discovery is beginning. I have a self ! I really Feel new, almost whole, and Happy 🙂 I am 61 yrs. old & so Amazed to have found the answer to my lifelong question “What am I missing, here?” Thanks for working on this issue, many need this info.

      1. Dear Tania

        Thank you so much for the work you are doing on diagnosis criteria for women.
        I’m 66 years old and having trouble putting into words what I’d like to say as I feel, wrongly of course, like this is a ‘last resort’ thing. I’m sure I can post again if I get it wrong.

        Just over a month ago I accidentally came across http://www.apergertestsite.com and did the test. I have no idea how I got to the site as I didn’t consider I would have Aspergers. Anyway it seemed to confirm that I was likely to be an Aspie. After a lot of reading I was becoming convinced. BUT on reading your work in progress ‘Asperwomen: Adult Women with Asperger Syndrome. Moving towards a female profile of Asperger Syndrome’ I learnt so many things about myself. It was liked you had looked into my mind! Amazing. I am so grateful and have many questions which I will post soon. The term Asperwoman is great! Did you coin it!

        Congratulations on your work. 🙂

    1. I am also a 61 year old woman strongly suspecting that I have this now abadoned (replaced by PDD) diagnosis. I am exhusted by a life of meeting nearly all of the criteria on this list above and being a socially isolated alien. I am questioning the value of this finally knowing why I am missing “it”. I have a higher than average intellegence but have had limiited success due to social inadequacy. Is it ever too late to gain social skills to make the unique perceptions that accompany this syndrome?

      1. Hi Liz and thank-you for your message, I am often asked this question and I believe it is never to late to learn about Asperger Syndrome, to learn social skills or any other improvements. I have assessed women in their 60’s who all told me they experienced a huge sense of relief to “finally have answers” as to why they have always felt “different” and to answer a variety of questions they have had about themselves. I do not believe it’s ever too late to improve oneself or learn.

  21. hi i hope people read this im a woman with autism an ld so there ;lots that are diff some things same but when you put me with my aspie friends you can see the big diff im hfa now but wasnt when younger .so struggle with meny thing still have meltdowns at times an stuff

  22. thank you for your article. this is my cry for HELP.my daughter 42 years old is an aspperwoman; she desperatly needs professional help but can’t have it do to lack of money.
    what can i do? please help.

    1. Hello Elisa, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried your local Autism society or centre? As I dont know which country you are from, it is hard for me to óffer you suggestions. Unfortunately, services worldwide are lacking for adults. Would it be helpful for your daughter to read books on Aspergers in females, join healthy Autism support groups on-line?

  23. Your write-up features confirmed useful to me personally.

    It’s very helpful and you are certainly really well-informed
    in this region. You have got opened up my own sight
    for you to different opinion of this kind of topic along with intriguing and
    reliable written content.

  24. Thanks for such an informative and detailed list! This is by far the best one I have read so far. I was in denial for a while but as my head keeps nodding I can no longer stay silent.. I am an aspie woman.. hear me roar!!Do you know muc about birth complications and early trauma associated with aspergers? Wondering if it has been a common thread that comes up in your work? Many thanks 🙂

    1. Just discovered this article now so sorry if this is a late reply – I scored a 33 on the AQ test, identify with almost everything in this article(down to having an interest in Buddhism), and I was a 24 week preemie (born in ’67), had subcranial hemorrhage and hydrocephalus treated with a shunt. An aspie friend of mine(male) also had birth difficulties. I wonder too if there is any correlation between birth complications and ASD.

  25. Thanks a lot for this work. I’m french and don’t have yet my ‘official diagnosis’ but I have some appointments in June for it. I regularly see a neuropsychologist specialized in autism who help me a lot. In France, we are very late regarding autism… And it is very difficult to be diagnosed, specially when your a middle aged, gifted woman… I saw that the duplication of this article is forbidden but I wanted to ask you if you allow me to take it because I would like to translate it in French during the summer. Of course, I will give your references (name, your studies and your specialization) in the translation (I think it is very important and give more value to the article).
    Best regards

    1. Hello Adeline, thank you for your message and I am so pleased that this blog is do helpful to you. Yes, please print this off and take it with you and thank you so much for asking. I wish you all the best with your assessment and diagnosis.

      1. Hello Tania. Many thanks for your agreement and your emboldening 🙂

  26. Being older and never formally diagnosed, having felt like an alien for my majority of my life, when I read an article last year written by an Aspie, I cried like a baby because it was the first time that I read something the reflected most accurately what it has been like to be me. Your list Tania, further validates the reality I have lived with for my entire life. Thank you!!

  27. Explains a lot. Thank you for writing this. I see myself in almost every bit of this. Almost 37 yrs old and just now finding out what I have been dealing with and trying to hid from the rest of the world. At least now I am armed and ready to go and get an official diagnosis. I did go through the Autism Speaks website with a few online evaluations and discovered that I am high in the Asperger’s range bordering on full Autism. They recommended that I find a specialist to discuss my rating and have further testing.

  28. Thank you so much for this list and the way it is categorized. Many of these things (tic coughing, weeping, misplaced trust, social exhaustion, dislike of lies and chit-chat, rocking oneself, vocal modulation, short-term versus long-term memory issues) are part of my life experience. It’s comforting to know there are others out there who get what it is like. Were that I’d had this information 20-30 years ago.

  29. WOW! I found this article while researching because my niece has been diagnosed with Asperger’s and it is like reading a list of the things that make me not fit in with the world! Thank you so much! I feel a little less alienated, although I have no idea where to go from here.

  30. Going through this list makes me feel not alone. All my life I felt I was born without a personality like everyone else, and would ‘borrow’ the bits of other peoples personalities that were useful to me. I am 46 years old and have finally stopped denying myself the right to be me. I have always tried to be what is expected by others. In the last few months I have finally admitted to myself things like, I really hate parties, I love star trek, and quite frankly I would rather watch the grass grow than watch a reality tv show with the rest of the family!

  31. I thought this was a very informative article, I am very young for the moment and have only stumbled across this as I joined my second college however for years they tried to understand why I was different as I was very much in my own world a lot of the time. However I do try to fit in as that is a part of being a member of a working society but I always end up loud and eccentric I guess, Is there any need to minimize this? Also awesome piece.

  32. Now I know why I always made friends with the other kids who didn’t fit in either. I’m very empathetic and became a teacher. It is hard for me working with my colleagues though. They aren’t very understanding. I hope that as aspie-women become more recognized, we will be more accepted. I am so socially awkward, and that’s how I have been labeling myself. I’m scared to label myself as aspie because of how it will be interpreted. Fear of being unaccepted…another trait?

  33. Wow, I feel like I fit almost every single one of these characteristics… is this why I’ve always felt so alone in the world? What do I do now? This is crazy how much this describes me… I’m not sure whether to feel relieved or sad.

  34. Dear taniaannmarshall,

    I am going to link your post to my website.

    Thank you for the break down. I hope it elicits a little more awareness for the female presentation. .

  35. Hi,
    I know you said duplication is forbidden, but could I copy your helpful list into a google doc and annotate it to send to my therapist? Strictly for personal use!

  36. Thanks for a really informative list of traits / characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome in women. I have not been diagnosed, and I don’t know if I would be diagnosed, but many of the traits describe how I work, see things and react emotionally. Definitely intense interests, good long term memory, perfectionism, emotionally aware and vulnerable to other’s emotions, feeling different to others applies to me. When I was younger (in primary and high school) I certainly felt different to others and I wanted to be like more “popular” people and I strived for that, but could never get there. I had my special interests and friends that were like minded so that helped. When I got to university I felt less pressured to be like others and I felt more comfortable with the feeling of being different. During postgraduate studies, I started to find myself – I embraced alternative music, lifestyles and fashions and I felt like I belonged, especially amongst a loosely collected group of people who celebrated their difference to the mainstream and made the point that they were different to others. I became alot more extroverted and socialised more. It was like I went through the stereotypical teenage years in my early twenties. During doctoral studies I travelled overseas. Being in a foreign city without family, friends and people who knew me, was a watershed experience, I shed something then. Back in my home country, over the next few years I went through great emotional turmoil, but I realised and discovered my same sex attraction (which had started with my fascination with an actress in a TV cop show in that foreign city). I eventually came out and I feel now, a few years later and a six year relationship, that I know who I am, and why I am different, but also I feel I can relate to a lot more people. While coming out (and going through depression / anxiety and chronic fatigue), a counsellor mentioned Asperger’s Syndrome to me. She said that many of the things I described fitted the traits / symptoms of this syndrome. Perhaps I was going through a transition stage where I was “overcoming” these Asperger’s traits and my personality and the way I saw things was changing. Thank you for a great article, and inspiring my to write about my experience.

    1. Dear sapphicscientist, thank you for sharing your amazing story with us here on my blog. Your story is not unlike many of the adult women I see in my clinic. Stories like yours are so beneficial for us all to read. I learn something from every client I meet and every story I hear or read. Thank you and I am pleased you have found this helpful:-) ~ Tania

      1. Thanks Tania. I am a big believer in telling your story so others may benefit or at least have something to refer to. Great idea and avenue for people to share their stories and increase their understanding of these traits and the syndrome itself.

  37. Reblogged this on Lipstick On My Lab Coat and commented:
    An informative list of traits associated with Asperger’s Syndrome in women. Below, are my comments (an personal experience) I posted.

    Thanks for a really informative list of traits / characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome in women. I have not been diagnosed, and I don’t know if I would be diagnosed, but many of the traits describe how I work, see things and react emotionally. Definitely intense interests, good long term memory, perfectionism, emotionally aware and vulnerable to other’s emotions, feeling different to others applies to me. When I was younger (in primary and high school) I certainly felt different to others and I wanted to be like more “popular” people and I strived for that, but could never get there. I had my special interests and friends that were like minded so that helped. When I got to university I felt less pressured to be like others and I felt more comfortable with the feeling of being different. During postgraduate studies, I started to find myself – I embraced alternative music, lifestyles and fashions and I felt like I belonged, especially amongst a loosely collected group of people who celebrated their difference to the mainstream and made the point that they were different to others. I became alot more extroverted and socialised more. It was like I went through the stereotypical teenage years in my early twenties. During doctoral studies I travelled overseas. Being in a foreign city without family, friends and people who knew me, was a watershed experience, I shed something then. Back in my home country, over the next few years I went through great emotional turmoil, but I realised and discovered my same sex attraction (which had started with my fascination with an actress in a TV cop show in that foreign city). I eventually came out and I feel now, a few years later and a six year relationship, that I know who I am, and why I am different, but also I feel I can relate to a lot more people. While coming out (and going through depression / anxiety and chronic fatigue), a counsellor mentioned Asperger’s Syndrome to me. She said that many of the things I described fitted the traits / symptoms of this syndrome. Perhaps I was going through a transition stage where I was “overcoming” these Asperger’s traits and my personality and the way I saw things was changing. Thank you for a great article, and inspiring my to write about my experience.

  38. Hi Tania
    I have many similarities with most of the comments above and am very grateful for all the work you are doing with females with Aspergers and especially making this list of traits available. So huge Thank You.
    I am a married 45 yo mother of 2 young teenagers, who like most of those above felt a huge relief when finally there was a reason why I was different. This feeling soon changed when I realised that significant others would prefer me not to be labeled as such. Honestly I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. So some feelings to work through at the moment.
    Since I have gone through all the traits listed, with ticks and crosses, and then calculated the percentage (aspie trait perhaps!) can I ask you if there would be a percentage figure that you would consider to count one in or out?

  39. After reading this article (and many, many others), I have two questions for you about the utility and possibility of diagnosis.

    I’m a 26 year old woman Ph.D. student (computer field), and I have a lot, a lot of Aspie traits. My uncle on my mother’s side and my brother are both Aspie. My mother says she is absolutely not, but she has a lot of Aspie traits also. My boyfriend is convinced I’m Aspie. My mother is convinced I’m not.

    I’ve obviously thought about it, because I’ve read this and other sites, and manipulated more self-diagnoses than I want to think about (it’s hard bordering on impossible to take them without manipulating them, when you already know all the questions and what all the answers mean). On the one hand, I fit certain criteria: I’m prosopagnostic, I hyper-focus (can’t work any other way), I have problems with verbal instructions, I have real problems at work with starting tasks and planning them, I get overwhelmed by taking classes (I had more incompletes in college than I like to admit to — though I always came back later and completed them), I always miss the joke, especially the silly kind, I know that gullible isn’t written on any ceilings because I always look, I have been accused of being too serious and too literal and too intense, I spend hours sitting alone on my bed so that people will ignore me, my mother thought I was OCD when I was growing up, and I could go on like this forever. If I addressed everything on your list I identify with… it would be half your list.

    On the other hand: I’m well-liked by my friends and even my peers (despite a persistent perception that I’m arrogant and don’t listen well to others — it is NOT TRUE), I’m perceived as being very good at social responses like what to say when someone dies or how to decline an invitation or how to apologize (my mother drilled these formulas into my head when I was little, how could I not be?), I’m eerily good at figuring out what people are thinking/feeling/going to do next, despite some academic struggles I have gotten this far (I’m finishing my 3rd year in a Ph.D. program at a very good school), I don’t stim, I talked at 6 months old (simple sentences by 12 months), and my physical control is fine enough that I would have gone to conservatory for classical ballet if I hadn’t busted my hip. So: a lot of people look at that, and the response is, that isn’t very Aspie at all.

    I don’t worry about it much, except sometimes when either (i) something happens, and I think — this would be easier if I could blame it on a diagnosis, or (ii) everybody else knows what’s going on and I feel like I’m a completely bizarre anomaly from another planet and I need validation. (ii) is self-explanatory. And example of (i) would be when recently I was presenting research with a friend, and I said something insensitive (to this day, and despite resolving with my friend, I do NOT KNOW WHAT) that made her leave the presentation crying. (Incidentally, we later bonded over how much the audience’s response pissed us off. People kept telling her “it’s okay to be sensitive,” while they told me, “to try not to be so arrogant” or “I was a bully once, too.”)

    So my questions are: (1) Would I be likely or unlikely to qualify for diagnosis? (2) What would diagnosis get me? Would it help me in situations like those above? Would it help me in other situations that I haven’t considered?

    Incidentally, I made a counseling appointment with student services once to discuss this with a knowledgeable professional, but rather than answer my clear and straightforward questions, he just kept asking me how I felt. I was looking for knowledge, not feeling-sharing, but he didn’t seem to understand that.

    Thanks very much for this article.

    1. Hi Winnifred, your post is one of many that I receive on a regular basis nad I would like to address this in a blog post as the first of my FAQ’s Series. Would this be ok with you? Kind Regards, Tania

  40. Thank you for this! Recently my niece’s teacher advised my sister to have her tested for asperger’s. We have always wondered as she is quite unique in her way of relating to the world. As I began actual research I was floored when I saw that I, myself, exhibited most symptoms from childhood through adulthood. Thank you for sharing this! I will surely be seeking out a diagnoses in the near future. I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. It’s relieving but overwhelming.

  41. So, I am 30 and just started grad school after having attended 5 colleges, working, peace corps, etc. I recently went in to get tested for ADD and came out with a positive diagnosis for it and a possible diagnosis for Asbergers. They just needed to ask more questions. Needless to say i am shocked. As I am waiting for the results I have been doing my own research and there seems to be uncanny resemblances in me and these symptoms, but seem to have no sensory issues. I did say yes to 127 of these charicteristics. Some of my quirks that resemble what ive read are mimicking social situations in fear of saying the wrong thing by being yourslf, having no clue why I have offended someone, and taking things way too literally. I’m wondering now what will be wrong with me if I don’t have it!

  42. Very interesting and relieving to read. I was diagnosed a few years back as Aspie and now I am almost 45 and still haven’t had a relationship, therefore no kids. Then again I would much prefer to watch Voyager than Bananas in Pyjamas anyway. I always say I’m not an expert I just live with it so to have other real life experts finally able to communicate is such a relief. I have spent most days since the diagnosis reading the experts opinions and interpretations and found myself being left frustrated. How can they really know – they can only hypothesise and do studies and experiments. I can’t wait to read and hear from more of us thanks in advance!

    1. Thank you for your message. I do understand you reticence about “experts”, and I have seen many Autism experts “criticised” unfairly. What I can say to you is that i have witnessed some “experts” whom I know are on the Spectrum (but choose to keep this private, for their own reasons) be harassed and bullied by those on the
      Spectrum “assuming” they are NT’s.

    2. I am aware of many bright professionals who work with individuals with differences, for the reason that they themselves were that child with differences. It amazes me the “assumptions” made regarding professionals. Having said that, I now need to state that no, I am not saying I am aspie or nt, that is my own private business:-) I do get asked that on a tegular basis. My comments are an effort to stand by my amazing and awesome colleagues who have invested huge amounts of time, money, energy and education to support, advocate, and provide services:-) I admire my colleagues and have the utmost respect for them. Thank you for your message and I wish you all the best:-)

      1. Yes I appreciate you clarifying things for me. I meant no disrespect and have to add this point to my list. Once I rang an autistic help line for an accurate interpretation of a situation and they didn’t know what to say this confused me and has led to my synical opinion of them. Now I have found this site I will learn new things and contribute more appropriately thank you again

  43. My 18 year old daughter just graduated with honors and needless to say I am so proud of her and also so happy the high school years are behind us.
    High School was a living hell for her. I would say 99% of the traits listed describe her as if the research had occurred in my home.
    I had assumed that her differences were due to the fact that she was intellectually more advanced and that other children could not identify with her. On the other hand I could see a social and emotional disconnect that I could not account for.
    In the family she is know as “The Vulcan” due to her ability to compartmentalize her world, and her need to disengage from earthlings.
    I have always provided her with a safe place and let her be her. Now she is an adult and will be going out into a world I fear she is unprepared to face. While I have considered that she may be and Aspie I have not broached the subject with her. Now I am not sure how. Part of me thinks that she will view it with the same analytic spirit with which she views her world. I do not want her to feel that I see her as damaged or defective.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach this?

    1. Hi!
      That seems like a tough decision to make. It seems to me that the most respectful approach would be to let her make the decision to seek help on her own. I imagine that if high school was “hell” then there would be psychological consequences to that, and perhaps taking her to see a councilor or even a family practitioner to address finding ways to heal from that experience would be a good starting off point. It seems to me that a lot of people with this condition will develop secondary conditions in the attempt cope with the first one. It souds like she will have difficulties at some point, and it is probably better to start getting the support you will need as soon as you can! Just my two cents. Good luck!

  44. Hi,

    I am an Aspie and I do have Irlen syndrome. I am also something of an intellectual which is inconsistent with the lack of ability to read much. It has gotten worse as I grow older. I really don’t know what to do about it.

    It is very difficult for me to fit in anywhere and it is easy for me to be alone. When I was a child I hated family outings and visits so, I often refused to go. I stayed in the solitude of my room.

    Noise drives me crazy. It actually hurts. My body hurts all the time. And, I am a compulsive decorator. Everything has to be in its place and my house has to be totally clean and orderly.

    This is just a little bit of what it is like to be me. My wish is for things to be easier especially with people. I have few social skills although people think I am great but, they don’t want to be close to me which leaves me alone with all this. I suspect that I am doing something to turn other people off but I don’t know what it is that I do..

    I appreciate your website. Thank you for the information.

  45. I have one more question: there is already a tendency to view things like introversion and shyness as pathologies. I have encountered this negative attitude head on. And I have to wonder whether, labels implying a disorder shouldn’t in fact be discouraged as much as possible.
    For example, one of the biggest problems that people faced with mental illness have in Western countries is social exclusion. Whereas, I have read that in some third world societies, where people with a mental illness would be viewed more as ‘special’ or as being somehow in touch with spirits – that the mentally I’ll in these societies tend to live longer and happier lives, with less severity in symptoms.
    But I can just sense this. And, I cannot help associating Asperger’s with a disorder. The term does not feel neutral enough. Logically it’s fine but not emotionally.

    I think Female Aspergers is quite similar to Highly Sensitive Person. Only, I think I prefer to associate mostly with the latter. Since I know I have definite weaknesses and definite mismatches with the majority and also how culture tends to be (e.g., open plan offices); but I prefer a term that has a positive and negative feel to it. And at this stage I associate ‘Asperger’s’ as being a label that largely means ‘inadequate (for the world)’.

    1. Hello Elise and thank-you for your message. I view Aspergers as an “explanation”, not a “label”. I believe that early diagnosis is imperative. I have seen far too many adults in my clinic who would have immensely benefited from a dignosis, iontervention and support, when they were children. The term Aspergers provides and explanation, self-understanding, education and knowledge. I agree with you that there are similarities between female Aspergers and Dr. Elaine Aron’s work on Highly Sensitive Persons. However, there are also differences, in terms of Theory of Mind, Perspective Taking, Cognitive Profile, and so on. Individuals with Aspergers have many gifts and talents, along with some weaknesses, like most people. Take care:-)

  46. Thanks for this list I ticked off 101 of them. After years of feeling odd and out of place I now feel relieved to know I can put a name to why I am the way I am. I am 30 now and didn’t start to feel I was different until my 20’s when I felt completely out of touch with my friends despite knowing them since school. My partner has joked for ages that I am on the spectrum (he has a brother who is autistic). What made me realise I may have a problem was looking up on google the fact that I feel like a child in other people’s eyes despite having a job, mortgage, child, etc. I came across a thread of people with Aspergers discussing the same issue. I then looked up symptoms in women and came across this article. I will definitely look at getting a proper diagnosis as I think being able to tell people ‘this is what I am’ will help me to cope in social situations.

  47. Omg, years ive been trying to help figure myself out..reading all of this apart from 3things i have to look up..i just read up about my exact self..thankyou now i have a stepping stone for maybe a me in this life..thankyou

  48. Your list was the start of a process of self-discovery for me that has lead to a great amount of validation of why I’ve gone through life the way I have. My social difficulties, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed by too much light, noise, too many people, too much conversation. My clumsiness, lack of eye contact, repetitive behaviors. I grew up with a brother with Autism, and, so far as I know, my only first cousin is also Autistic.

    I want to seek help; I want to seek an official diagnosis.

    Where I live, there is really only one mental health resource (a community mental health center). I contacted them, asking to get in for an intake appointment, and specifying that I was interested in beginning the process to be evaluated for Asperger’s Syndrome.

    When I showed up for the appointment, my purpose of being there for Asperger’s was completely pushed aside. I was asked, “Well, we don’t really do that here. Besides, um……were you in special education in school? No? Then, yeah, probably not it. You would have struggled in school. And, Autism is a developmental disorder that would have been caught in the school years. It isn’t really a thing for adults.” I was crushed. Was? Well, still am.

    I don’t know where to go from here. This place really is my only resource. I wish there was some way for the people that I am trying to work with to become educated about Asperger’s, especially in women, but that’s not exactly something that I can enforce. I just feel stuck, and am struggling with the idea of going back there for my next appointment, knowing that they just want to evaluate me for depression and social phobia. The social phobia, I can understand…..as a part of Asperger’s. The depression, I disagree with. Extreme fatigue? Yes. Being overwhelmed? Yes. Self-loathing, oppressive sadness, etc? No. I think the symptoms that I do have that could overlap with depression are also explained by Asperger’s. But, how do you explain that to a system that denies that Asperger’s can even be a “thing” for an intelligent adult?

    Any advice that you can give, I would whole heartedly appreciate.

    1. Hi Liz, I am sorry to hear about your story and it is all too common unfortunately. I do empathize with your situation. I currently am providing diagnostic assessments via Skype to adults all over the world, if that is an option for you. I closely follow Professor Tony Attwood’s procedures. I am doing this primarily because there is such a lack of professionals in this particular area at the moment. Let me know if you are interested. All the best.

    2. Reading all these traits I cannot but wonder how is this a disability? Not all parts of the world are so annoyingly extroverted and reliant on social interactions. I have lived in the country where all of the above is considered a talent and people are admired for their personality. On the other hand in Western countries it is norm to be extroverted and spend your time talking about superficial and irrelevant things. People described above are able to be self-reliant and complete tasks and do great things on their own, while extroverted ‘neurotypical’ individuals need companionship in order to do a small portion of what above described individuals can. Still struggling to see this as a disability.

      1. Currently living in the US, I don’t think the line is always so easily drawn but I can definitely relate to the sentiment.

        Much of the disability aspect comes from not fitting into social norms. Being different than what is widely seen as neurotypical within a capitalist society comes with a lot of micro-violence and long term alienation. It’s traumatic and debilitating to a human being.

  49. Thanks for your efforts to, in effect, make people aware of the characteristics of Asperger women.
    I’m a 57-year-old non-Aspie male married 33 years to an Aspie lady (whom I still love maaaaadly, by the way). As a non-Aspie in a long-term committed relationship with an Aspie, I can vouch that an Aspie woman brings to a relationship definite strengths that non-Aspie women typically lack . However, the reality is that Aspie women also bring definite weaknesses. While she and I met and married, Asperger’s was known only to the few researchers. Consequently, we had zero idea of the root of the many serious relational/emotional/intimacy/communication/sexual issues we faced right from the start. Although we’ve managed (though not, of course, really ever solved) our Aspie/non-Aspie differences chasm and “survived to tell the tale”, both she and I believe that, had we been aware of the chasm we were dealing with when we met, then much pain, misunderstanding, and disappointment might have been avoided between us.
    Awareness, including self-awareness, goes far toward understanding if not resolving relationship issues. By educating people, you’re helping people acquire that awareness.

  50. Hi,
    I am a 23 year old female from the UK. Most people are surprised to learn my age because I look much younger. I am very quite when I speak, I get very anxious in social situations and I detest eye contact!
    I believed for a long time that I was born with social anxiety but more recently I have felt that perhaps it is Asperger’s as it is not just social issues I struggle with. I can relate to almost everything above. I have a twin sister who is also ‘like’ me. At school my sister and I only had each other as friends and were bullied for being ‘ shy’. I dropped out of university because I found it so overwhelming but a year later I signed up to college to study animal management.
    Most of the time I just feel lost, like I don’t belong with everyone else in the world. Only my sister understands me.
    I’m terrified to see a doctor because I don’t think they will take me seriously and I am too afraid to speak to anybody about my issues. I am tired of being anxious 24/7.

  51. Hello Tania

    I am not sure how I ended up on your blog, possibly as a result of watching a film called White Frog, which stars a teenage boy with Asperger’s. Very recently I have become aware of my own anxiety and often my GP has commented on the fact that I might be stressed. I have often said I am always stressed because if stress was what I thought it was (I’m probably wrong by the way) then I had been that way my entire life. I am starting to believe that what I am calling stress is actually anxiety.

    I’m 26 and work from home freelance when I can but other than that I don’t generally go outside unless my boyfriend is really upset that I haven’t in a while. I grew up with my dad and three older sisters who have always protected me because they thought something was “different” about me. They always told people that was the case whenever I did something weird in social situations anyways. I am in the UK and doubt that I will ever get it prescribed but am quite alarmed by the number of statements on your list that apply to me.

    I have tried assertiveness training, making a conscious effort to speak louder or not at all (there was a period when I was younger that I just decided not talking was easier than trying to explain myself). I was just this morning considering going on a course to improve my communication because friends have told me that I was boring when I spoke or they couldn’t understand a thing I said despite my exasperating efforts. Of late my isolation has had health implications.

    I guess I wanted to ask what’s next after you discover that you might have Asperger’s?

    Also many thanks for writing this list, I never would have found out such a thing existed or explained my being different to such a large extent. Also apologies for the rather long comment.

    Many thanks
    Becky

  52. I have struggled all my life with being different, not able to communicate effectively, not able to cope with being touched and anxious constantly. Two days ago I found out I had Aspergers after my son also being diagnosed. Thank you for your list – it has really helped me draw the pieces of my past together into something that makes so much more sense. I can see why my marriage failed, and it helps to find out that there is a reason for how I am. Your list has made me cry heaps, but in a helpful way, I am just sad I didn’t find out what was wrong with me years ago, when I might have been able to save my marriage.

  53. Wow, this describes me in so many ways. It has been difficult but much easier as I have aged and matured. Thank you for the great information.

  54. This is SO interesting!!! I can relate to so many of the things on these lists, so many……..

    I am finally exploring, at the age of nearly 50, why I have felt so out of place my whole life. I can relate to many of the traits of ADD (inattentive type) but I think there is a fair bit of Aspie in me as well. My son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism at the age of 3 (he is 18 now) and we lead our lives and have our house, just the way we like it. We are both gamers, love animals, neither of us likes too much sunlight in the house and we spend a lot of time just doing our own thing, getting together for meals mostly. He has the most amazing hearing and I have an excellent sense of smell. Other than that, we are very similar with a lot of the stuff that pushes our buttons, mostly relating to the social world. I am grateful every day that I have a child that I can relate to so well…..I have an older daughter as well but she is as NT as its possible for someone to be and her growing up years were challenging. She left home and my son and I breathed a sigh of relief. We are quite close but she really doesnt understand me at all.

    I have just started seeing a psychiatrist, who is treating me for the depression & anxiety which has plagued me for years……..he doesnt think I am on the spectrum because of my ability to “read” others very well, I am very intuitive about other people. I was agreeing with him because my son very clearly doesnt have this ability – in fact, if I am upset about something, I have to actually TELL him that I am upset because he has no clue. But……having read these lists above, I am wondering if it IS possible for someone on the spectrum to be as intuitive as I am? Its annoyed a lot of people over the years, including myself 😉

    Anyway, lots of food for thought here….thank you for putting this information out there.

    1. Hello Hannah! I was so pleased to get your message. I kno wof 5 other women doing PhD’s in the area of female ASpergers. It is incredible and look out! The next few years there is going to be an explosion of knowledge in this area and I am so pleased about this. Your blog is great and keep doing what you’re doing:-)

  55. holy cannolli. i came here looking for some insight particularly trying to differentially diagnose PTSD with AS (as i know beyond question i have ptsd). this list describes my personality and my life *in detail* with nearly *perfect accuracy*. there were *only two points* on the entire list that did not apply. doesn’t change anything, but it does explain a lot – especially my lack of success in therapy and with psychopharmaceuticals, even though i’ve been highly invested, had good rapport with my treaters, and even sought out an MA in psychology (since i’m ridiculously empathic). i’m going to find some way to work with animals. hopefully my boyfriend will be willing to read this article, since he comments frequently on my “antisocialness” and doesn’t understand how exquisitely sensitive i am to people and how much anguish that and my social backwardness cause me (and consequent withdrawal and inability to hold jobs). i am, by the way, widely considered a competent diagnostician — and am very aware of how immature the field really is. (i no longer practice, though, having been burned out and having so many problems negotiating the social pressures and my issues with authority on any job).

    anyone who thinks this is a choice or an excuse has no idea how many of my limbs i would trade to be “normal” no matter how much i value the gifts of AS. i have artificially developed many skills in adulthood i lacked as a child, but nothing that enables me to fully compensate, only to “fake” until i reach such a point of mental and emotional exhaustion i have to hide in a corner for a few weeks. it took me years to come to terms with the PTSD, now i am coming to terms with this. the benefit seems to be that i stop judging myself through other people’s eyes, and am able to be more compassionate and self-accepting, and then find ways to accommodate what I have come to view as disabilities rather than character defects (as my first therapists regarded them). With acceptance, my drinking and other self-destructive coping behaviors have of their own accord improved significantly. if i can find a way to “feel” more connected — even if it’s just allowing myself to spend more time with animals, and finding a way to make that happen — i know my life will be better for it.

  56. Hi, thanks for this. I’ve recently taken a test which states my results as being AS. I’d like to get an official diagnosis. Do you have any ideas how I can do this? I live in the UK

    1. Hi Camilla, I regularly provide diagnostic assessments via Skype to adults all over the world, if that is an option for you. I closely follow Professor Tony Attwood’s procedures. Other than that, if you get in contact with the NAS in the UK they may be able to direct you. Please make sure you see someone who specialized in the female profile of Aspergers. All the best!

  57. I always wondered why I was different from others…This information was extremely useful that now I know what makes me different from everyone

  58. I have always been different from the rest of the pack.
    I have been blessed with the fact that my father accepted and encouraged
    my growth.
    I have never felt the need to fit in, I am comfortable in my own skin and if others don’t like it then they don’t have to look.
    I not only love me I truly like me for all my faults as well as my strengths.
    I am almost 60 yrs . old but look in my 40’s.
    I fail to see the reason why every one thinks Asperger Syndrome is a problem and
    I should seek help. I like who I am and see no need to change me.
    I have every thing I need, the air that I breath, Nature hikes , my animals and Some One who loves me as I am.
    The Normals should be so lucky!

    1. I think our time is coming.

      I think that having some understanding of why we are so different really helps many with Asbergers understand ourselves in relation to others. I have spent my life trying to make sense of the world – I’m 44 now. My new understanding (and in large part thanks to this community and especially taniaannmarshall) has strengthened me, helped me to build my self confidence. There were aspects of my Asbergers (poor working memory and inconsistent oral communication) that always held me back from being able to share the amazing gifts that come with being an Asbie, but now I have a much clearer understanding of how to navigate around my deficits to share my gifts. I can finally present my critical thinking with confidence – in the past I second guessed myself constantly because I had achieved poorly in school and been made to feel a fool during class presentations (my mind would just freeze – and I couldn’t verbalize what I understood and wanted to say). It was only in my adult working life when I was repeatedly funnelled through into leadership positions that I started to recognize that I understood complex situations better than my co-workers, that my confidence in my abilities started to grow. However, even then I continued to doubt myself because when I felt vulnerable, I would retreat into that old place of humiliation and lack of self confidence (I would doubt my ability and imagine that I was only in that prestigious position by fluke). Understanding Asbergers is huge for me, because now I can start to revisit those early years that were so negative. Instead of nurturing me, my school experience sapped my self confidence.

      This new understanding is empowering. I feel as if I have lots to share with the world, and I now have the confidence to pursue doing so. I think that there are many people with extraordinary gifts that have not been valued in our traditional, top down, “standardized testing” based systems. As a result these people have been discarded (check out the profiles of those in prisons and in poverty) – if you didn’t fit the traditional education system they tried to help you fit into “the system” or they gave up and discarded you (by this I mean that when you are not nurtured during your youth, when the system tries to force compliance to their ways irrespective of it’s ability to meet an individuals needs, frustration and negative behaviour can result boiling over into socially unacceptable behaviour). Some of us are lucky enough to have navigated our way through the system to live functional, productive lives.

      This new understanding may help many people to come forward to share their incredible gifts with the world with more confidence. I believe that the world over is searching for new ways of doing things – many of our current systems are crumbling, first and foremost the system of “top-down, authoritative management”. I believe that those who do not fit “the system” often see things uniquely. We have lots to share with the world – for the good of the world.

      (As you may no doubt be picking up – this is my “Asbie” focus area. I know enough about myself to stop writing now because I could just keep going . . . 🙂

  59. Thank you so much for your hard work! Incredibly intelligent. I think you might have changed my life, or perspective on my life.

  60. I guess I have a couple questions. I actually stumbled onto your blog and never thought of myself of having aspergers. ( but my hobby is reading, and I would have eventually gotten there) I have been in some kind of therapy since I was a teenager but not one doctor gave me a correct diagnosis. Forty years later, I’m reading what you are writing, and I’m knocked out. I answered yes to about 95%.
    After reading your blog, I deliberately go hunting for more of what you are writing, blogs, books, tests, and more about aspergers. There is not much out there. I see the same seven or eight symptoms, which seem very flat to me. Not nice and puffy like your lists.
    I guess my question is, why do doctors know so little about aspergers ?
    Who is going help fill them in on the high functioning aspergers? Why is the list of symptoms out there so dry? It’s seems like the medical community doesn’t really care about this syndrome. Is this a syndrome ?

    Thank you in advance
    Rose

  61. I could relate to 95-98% of the markers. I have never trusted the so-called “mental health” system, as I’ve been “dx” with everything else (incorrectly). So now, I’m old, isolated; I’ve never understood what was going on; meanwhile, much has been taken from me, that normally constitutes a life. I have always been misunderstood– nor do I understand.So what do I do, now? I feel as though I were still from another planet! For myself: Write, read, pray, and make your day (Or in my case, night… wherein thoughts shine bright.)

    I have many obsessions; poetry is but one.

    So how do I interact/reach out/get dx if I am this “old”? I have always tested erratically, btw; and “learn in spurts”. I was told way back that I may have “learning disabilities”, but it was never really defined. Was always several grades ahead, verbally; but couldn’t do math or gym. Clingy, temper tantrums as a child; never quite understanding what was going on– until I learned to read. Then, my world came into focus, but I was still deficient in social interaction. I still have problems with that, as well as with certain types of organization, forgetting faces; get lost easily, etc. Also, am easily overwhelmed with day- to-day living. I am an underachiever, and can often barely take care of myself. Yet at other times, I can do wonders, and even astound myself (and others). So my performance has always been quite uneven: exacerbated also by medical illnesses.Overall, I have no problems in verbalization, but have been deficient in most other areas– though I have also had some success with music and computers. I have had very truncated relationships, or else, the people involved died, moved, etc.

    BTW, I was always a “rocker”, too; also, an extreme introvert. So, sleep problems enter into all this… DPSD, for example? Or anything else physical, such as atypical migraines, or fibromyalgia?

    So how do I get help at the age of 64? Thanks! ☺

    1. Hello Twilight Gold and thank-you for your message. I believe it is never too late for a diagnosis. I have personally assessed and diagnosed many adults, including up to the age of 70. You certainly sound as though you do have traits. It is difficult for me to advise you of where to get help, as I do not know what country you are from. I would advise you contact your nearest Autism Society or Centre? Or a specialist who works with Aspergers and adults? All the best:-)

  62. Thank you, Tania, for your research and for sharing it. I just read the story of my life in your article. In spite of many difficulties throughout my 54 years on earth, I view my Asperger’s dx as a gift. I am glad and grateful to be whom I am. Again, thank you for such an affirmative list of, I won’t call them symptoms…rather, strengths!

  63. Really Really amazing. I dated a woman for two years who never told me she had this disorder. The challenges were more than I could ever explain. I can relate to each and every one of your sections. How did it end? I came home one day and she was gone. I haven’t heard from her since. Hope you’re ok Roxanne.

  64. HI Tania, I found your site while researching about asperger because I suspect my 5 yrs old is might be “aspie”. Thanks for sharing your awesome work.

    After reading your research, the descriptions listed described my girl close to 70%. And what is more interesting is that it describes me about 85%-90%. Your work is focused on females, I am not sure do these also describe men? I am not sure am i also a aspie? If I am a aspie, then i might be a high functioning one that had learnt skills to cope socially in early years of my career, where i think i am ok till i read your research to realise that I may have coped well all these years. In my profession, I deliver countless of management and leadership training, and also provide one to one coaching in the area of management and leadership. I agree with your research that when it comes to social interaction with my participants, I am not very good.

    I like to hear your perspective and also do you think AS is hereditary?

    Thanks again for sharing your work. 🙂 Well done.

    1. Hi Fabian, thank-you for your message and your kind words. I am aware that some males identify with some of these traits. We are becoming more aware of a distinct female profile and this is my focus, as females have been left out of the research. Aspies have varying degrees of functioning across domains (for e.g., emotional, social, sensory, cognitive, etc) and females cope by ‘masking’, ‘çamouflaging’ and mimicking. One superpower of Aspergers is the ability to work one-on-one or present to a group, rather than work within a group. Yes, there appears to be a large genetic component to Aspergers and many families that I support are able to trace Aspergers back one or more generations. Take care:-)

  65. Thank you. Do let me know once you have published your book or maybe you had already. I would like get a copy to understand more about Asperger from your research and practice perspective. Cheers!

  66. Hi there, reading your list of traits has been an enlightening experience for me. I am 42 and I’ve always been rather socially awkward until I discovered drama – I have found being able to act has helped me cope in all sorts of situations – almost convincing myself ! I am socially awkward and often find myself shut into my head when in groups. I dislike noisy pubs because I can’t filter out the background noise to be able to hear what is being said. I have a 5 year old boy who has just been diagnosed as an Aspie, leading me to question my own traits. I have done a few on line tests, but always come out as neuro typical, but this list has so many ticks for me. It’s the first time I have realised that there is an explanation for how I am. I have extreme difficulty making and maintaining friendships and relationships. I have an eating disorder and drink way too much when I am out even though I have low tolerance to alcohol. I have been promiscuous in the past because sex was the only way I could connect. I seem to have gotten past that now, but I do still have some pretty bad habits when it comes to coping strategies. Other people’s opinions have often influenced my view of myself and I have always tried to fit in by mirroring those about me. I live in Ireland and I know it is not going to be worth trying for a formal diagnosis – especially when most people have absolutely no idea about what goes on in my head ! This is very reassuring and I would like to say thank you.

    Kind regards
    Liz

  67. Hi Tania, Thank you for this. I am 48 years old, have never fit in. I relate to so many of the traits you have listed. I have always taken things literally and often over think things when someone is telling a joke. Had to leave study a couple of times, just overwhelmed. Colours have to match in my home. When watching a tv show or movie, I am always looking at the detail in the background. Feel the most at peace at home alone. If I am forced into a social situation, as in a family wedding, for a week or two, I actually become depressed. Drank alcohol to fit in when younger, but came to realise my nervous system over reacts to alcohol and many medications. If an ad comes on tv involving babies or small children, I will be in tears within seconds. Can’t even watch someone having an injection on tv. If I see or walk into a certain house or nature setting, can actually feel it ( maybe that is just normal?) Was a very picky eater as a child, could not tolerate a lot of tastes. Have regular migraines where noise, even someone talking makes my head hurt. I could go on and on. Is it worth it at my age to get diagnosed? Where would I go in WA?

    1. Hello Jewels and thank-you for your message. Currently, there are a couple of generations of adults (all over the world) who have undiagnosed Asperger Sydnrome or Autism and may or may not know they have it. There are a few different diagnostic pathways to a diagnosis, either through a child or family member, self-diagnosing, through seeking help for a presenting issue (anxiety, social anxiety, depression, and so on). I believe it is worth it at any age to obtain a diagnosis. I believe this for many reasons which I discuss in another blog and am going to write more about in the future. As for professionals who specialize in the area of female Aspergers/Autism, there are few of us at this point in time. I will be starting a lsit of specialists on my website in the future. I will email you as well. All the best.

  68. Hi. Thank you for making this list. I identify with the majority of traits mentioned. It is really comforting to know that other women experience the same difficulties as me. I really feel that I want to get some kind of help for this, but I feel that if I tell someone, they may not believe me. I can come across confident, but as this article has mentioned, it is always a performance. Frankly, I don’t want to have to convince someone that I am ‘not normal’ to get help. Or maybe I don’t have AS and instead I am just socially awkward, even though I identify with about 95% of these traits. I don’t really know what to do…

    1. Hello Cc, you make a really great point when you say “Ï don’t want to have to convince someone that I am ‘not normal’ to get help”. Often Aspergers in females is misdiagnosed as the presenting condition, i.e. depression, anxiety, nervous breakdown. Technically, a diagnosis is prvoded so one can access funding, services or support. However I know of many adults who are functioning well but want a formalized diagnosis more as an explanation of their experiences to date, for self-knowledge and self-understanding and for their families. I think it’s important for individuals to be clear on waht they want the daignosis for and how it would benefit them. More about this in upcoming blogs.

      1. Thank you for your advise Tania, you are right about needing a diagnosis for self-understanding, I will be checking your blogs regularly, thanks again.

      2. Hello cc and you are welcome. There are many reasons, with an important one after an “explanation”, that of having an “identity”. All the best.

  69. you’ve pretty much described me. thank you 🙂 i never knew why i was so different until i met my current partner, an adult-diagnosed Aspie. he’s a mirror of me, and this helps us support each other.

  70. I’m a 17 yr girl who has always been bothered by mood swings, emotional oversensitiveness and many-many things. So I started searching about my conditions. At first I thought I had BPD since I found my condition somewhat similar to it’s symptoms. But then I came across this page and found that Asperger syndrome’s symptoms are more closer to my condition. I don’t know I’m confused. I’ve never met a psychologist/psychiatrist for my condition. No one in my family knows about it, since I’ve been a hosteler since I was 6 yr old. I’m not close to anyone not even my family. I’ve always kept a distance with everyone and pushed them away if they get too close. What should I do? 😐 thinking about all this makes me feel much more lonely and moodier…

    1. Hello Emeraldsapphire, thank-you for your message, I receive many from young women such as yourself. One of the biggest challenges for individuals with Aspergers is managing stress, anxiety and anger (mood swings and/or intense emotions). The second difficulty for them is usually in communication, interpreting others and relationships. Read all you can and I wonder is there an Autism or Aspergers Centre where you live?

  71. I’m a 17 yr girl who has always been bothered by mood swings, emotional oversensitiveness and many-many things. So I started searching about my conditions. At first I thought I had BPD since I found my condition somewhat similar to it’s symptoms. But then I came across this page and found that Asperger syndrome’s symptoms are more closer to my condition. I don’t know I’m confused. I’ve never met a psychologist/psychiatrist for my condition. No one in my family knows about it, since I’ve been a hosteler since I was 6 yr old. I’m not close to anyone not even my family. I’ve always kept a distance with everyone and pushed them away if they get too close. What should I do? 😐 thinking about all this makes me feel much more lonely and moodier… Please help me. Give some suggestions.

    1. Hello Emeraldsapphire, thank-you for your message, I receive many from young women such as yourself. Is it possible that one of your carers or an adult that you trust would read some of the information regarding female Aspergers that you identify with? In addition, in another post I also mentioned how I feel that self-knowledge, understanding and strengths are most important, even if it’s not possible to find a professional where you live, that specialized in this area. The Internet has greatly helped many to find out more information about female Aspergers. All the best.

      1. Self-Knowledge and Understanding
      The best intervention for Asperger syndrome is knowledge, understanding and approach. Knowledge and understanding: researching Asperger syndrome in terms of learning and understanding the condition and how it relates to the individual.
      Approach: means using a strengths-based approach in understanding her unique profile of abilities. Focusing on her abilities, gifts and talents is critical. The willingness of adults to make accommodations to the individual’s home and school is very important. Accommodations will help the person adapt appropriately and function the best she can within a variety of settings.

      2. Find out your strengths, gifts and talents and focus on those.

  72. Hey Tania,
    I’m so glad that I found your website. I’m from Germany and heard shortly about Asperger and could identify with it. It was hard to find the “real symptoms”, especially in Germany Asperger is not well known and you find different symptoms and people dont understand what its all about.
    When I read your list I could identify with 95 % as well and I started thinking about what that means to me. With 16/17 I started to copy other people in my age, just to be not the “strange”. My mam always worried about me beeing most of the time on my own because she couldnt understand why. Friends of her sending their children to play with me, to get the “lonely” girl out of her room. That was very embarrissing and made us emotionally a kind of separating. I bet when I would tell her that I think I have Asperger, she wouldnt really belief and think its just an excuse. It’s hard to understand or belief that yourself has a kind of autism/disability and that its me who is different and not the others.

    1. Hello Anja,

      Thank-you for your message and I appreciate hearing from you in Germany. I see Asperger Syndrome as a different operating system, a different set of priorities and a different way of seeing or viewing the world. I would hope that your mother would be willing to read some of the information out that on female Aspergers that you identify with. All the best.

  73. Gosh I really relate to a heck of a lot of this, I was late diagnosed at the age of 34 following my 2 year old sons diagnosis of ASD, I am currently trying to get my 4 year old daughter investigated for aspergers, she is just like me and I am absolutely sure that she has AS, the authorities don’t agree, they see a quiet, well behaved, academically sound little girl, I see AS, and treat her as such with amazing results (we have completed the EarlyBird and the Healthy Minds courses with the NAS), I have insisted that the school allow my child to use symbols to ask for help and to show her feelings, and they are surprised at how much she uses them, and that this quiet little girl needs a lot of help! The sooner they have a specific diagnosis tool for females, the better.

  74. Thank you for sharing this insightful post. I have FINALLY figured out what is wrong with me for the past 46 years. I guess now it’s just a matter of what to do now?

    1. Lisa, thank-you for your message. I do not believe there is anything “wrong” with you. You have a unique profile of characteristics, strengths and weaknesses. I often recommend starting with the following:’

      1. Self-Knowledge and Understanding
      The best intervention for Asperger syndrome is knowledge, understanding and approach. Knowledge and understanding: researching Asperger syndrome in terms of learning and understanding the condition and how it relates to females.
      Approach: means using a strengths-based approach in understanding the individual and her unique profile of abilities. Focusing on her abilities, gifts and talents is critical. The willingness of others to make accommodations for the individual, is very important. A variety of accommodations based on the individuals needs, support level, and level of functioning will greatly help the individual to adapt appropriately and function the best she can within a variety of settings, i.e. work, school/education, home, community, relationships.

      2. Find out what your strengths, gifts, talents are, if you don’t already know and focus on them

      I wish you all the best and hope this is helpful.

  75. I’m so glad I just found this. I had never even thought about it, I thought I had AADD. My daughter is 2 and almost certainly autistic. I cry when I read this, because it describes me so well. And my feeling of being lost and different is described just here.

  76. I don’t know what to say. This has been me all of my life and a ton of autoimmune syndromes on top of this. I have been grossly misdiagnosed for 20 years, and I’ve known it. Here in Washington State, I will be hard pressed to get a doctor to diagnose me correctly. I had to push the “specialists” here to diagnose me correctly for Lupus. Mental health is the least important in our state…it should be a crime against humanity.

    I feel like now I’ve found my self on your page…why have I not heard of this before? I need to find a starting place and see someone. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. Ty for the info. We all appreciate it.

  77. Hi Tania,
    I am currently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but I have two younger brothers on the autism spectrum and I have always known it was more than Bipolar. Can you give me any links to resources or specialists for women with Asperger’s in Canada? Thank you so much!

  78. Thank you so much. I am a 60 year old African American Woman and have been in a state of depression since 8 years old. I have been diagnose as manic depressive and bipolar, but I knew that there was another reason for my personality. Can you assist me with other resources in Mississippi?

    1. Hello Tselane, I would recommend contacting your local Autism or Aspergers centre/clinic or society? I do provide these kinds of services via Skype if you are interested? Take care.

  79. Thank you so much for this. I haven’t had anything fit so well. I also have Ehlers -Danlos and never even considered it related until now…it gives me a sense of peace knowing I am not a hypochondriac.

  80. I…. Am floored. I am 35, and most of this is dead on for me. I’ve often suspected my brothers may be on the spectrum… But it never occurred to me to look at myself. Wow.

  81. Reblogged this on Tentacled Monotony and commented:
    I…. Am freaking out a little. But this would explain SO MUCH. I’ve always suspected this of my brothers… But never looked at myself. I just assumed I was weird. Well, I AM, but it’s nice to put a little more shape to my weird.

  82. Thank you for this, Tania. I am 23 and have just recently begun suspecting that I may have Aspergers; this was an excellent tool in beginning to understand how my mind works. I have been professionally diagnosed with ADHD, and have struggled with social anxiety my entire life. I have been accused of being mean, rude, and disinterested, when in fact I feel quite the opposite. I also have an uncontrollable urge to please and be liked by everyone around me, and become highly distressed when I believe someone doesn’t. People often misjudge my age, assuming I am very young if they haven’t spoken to much much, or assuming I am older if they’ve had a conversation with me. I have been told quite often that my voice sounds like that of a child.
    I will soon seek a professional diagnosis, but I do believe it will only confirm my suspicions. This list has helped curb some of my skepticism, and I thank you for posting it and making women aware of the traits that are specific to them that may not be diagnostically recognized.

  83. Wow that truely makes sense, at least for me. I have research a lot ( I guess) and haven’t found any detailed and exact traits like these. Thank you for this useful information. It helped me to understand a little bit more about AS.

  84. It was downright horrifying to read this list and see so much of myself. At 61 learning that I am on the spectrum is a perplexing and frightening situation to be in.

    1. Hi Amy, it can be overwhelming to identify with being on the Spectrum. Autism and Asperger Syndrome have been around for a very long time and there is a high genetic rate. I have assessed and diagnosed many adults in their sixties and seventies and all felt a sense of relief and were able to answer the questions that they had had for many years, in addition to learning and becoming more knowledgeable about themselves. There is information coming out all the time.

  85. I was originally diagnosed seven years ago with having low self esteem and a difficulty with processing emotions. I finally got diagnosed, after four years of a career black hole, with high functioning autism, within this past year. There is so much out there for males, and sometimes I felt like I could not associate with the disorder. But I read through your list, and saw so much that is me or was me as a kid (ex. Making the decision to wear my track suit to my first communion party because I hated the feel of the dress, and my overalls with very stuffed pockets). I am so thankful for my diagnosis, with my only regret that it had not happened years ago (even my friends at the time saw my nonverbal challenges!)

  86. Thanks for putting htis together, I have 3 sons 2 of which are on the autistic spectrum. When my first son was diagnosed and i began to learn about autism and aspergers i knew straight away this was me. I fit in to so many of your listed criterias above and after many struggles in education and early adulthood i finally found a profession and career in my late 20s and finally managed a degree in my 30s. I was referred last year through our mental health team to our community adult aspergers services and was given a formal diagnosis of aspergers syndrome. It is only recently i have been able to disclose this to people I know as for quite some time after my dianosis I was very angry and went into another depression. Basically I felt that I had been let down all these yeas and it is so obious now what was wrong with me and my past could have been so different if my aspergers had been picked up in my younger years. Now I have come to terms with it and now understand myself more I have tried to spread understanding and awareness to others and your work here is particularly helpful in doing so. Thanks

  87. Greate post. Keep posting such kind of info on your
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  88. Hi Tania, I have enjoyed reading your working document on women with Asperger’s. It was because of websites like yours that I was able to finally realize at 61 years old what my “deal” was. I fit very many of the characteristics listed above. I mulled over all the information I had learned in the last couple of years and finally worked up the nerve to phone my local medical association to get information regarding who I should see for a diagnosis. Well to make a long story short I most certainly have Asperger Syndrome. I am actually OK with the diagnosis, as it sure does explain so much about myself I had always wondered about. For as long as I can remember I knew somewhere within that I really was just a little different. So many things I couldn’t figure out. Why I dreaded social events, trips, etc. Why chit chat seemed so hard at times. Why I frequently missed understanding a joke. And so on. Thank you so much again, because I really feel without sites like yours I would still be wondering. Now I have some work to do understanding everything, but I will 🙂

    1. Dear Gail, thank-you so much for you message. I am so proud of your for going to the doctors and having this done. I receive so many messages from elderly women who wonder what’s the point om getting a diagnosis? Now, you have reasons, explanations, answers, knowledge, education, and more! Read, learn about your sensory profile. You will be just fine and Congratulations. You are a superhero!

  89. Wow Tania this is amazing, so many females identifying with this list of traits, as I do myself. It’s somehow reassuring to know that there are others, quite a lot of others, who are feeling the same way. I have to say though I am finding diagnosis very very difficult. I’m getting, no you have empathy, what about your childhood, delayed speech? Repetitive behaviour? All the traits I identify with in your list are disregarded, and this is from psychologists recommended by the state association. It is heartening to know that you are doing so much research in the area but at the moment I feel like I have found an answer for what makes me, me but that somehow I don’t really qualify.

    1. Hello LaynieMae, thank-you for your message and for your kind words. There are many many others who feel just like you do. I assess and diagnose quite a few adult women on a weekly basis now via Skype, from all over the world.. I am glad that you have found an “answer”. It appears to be a common theme across all the women I talk to, is that they have spent their whole lives looking for an answer that explains and makes sense to them as to why they feel the way they do. There are a few specialists who assess and diagnose female adults and I hope to add them to my website soon. All the best.

  90. it’s funny to me that “no empathy” is supposedly an AS trait when i’ve been reading for 30 or 35 years how widely it’s suspected that the problem is that AS individuals react the way they do to (social and other) stimulus because they can’t screen ANYTHING out. which is exactly how being overly empathic feels to me (along with sound and light).

    also any diagnostician worth his or her salt knows that NO diagnostic criteria are perfect, which is why there is usually if not always a category “NOS” for people who don’t fit neatly into one or the other but still clearly have spectrum issues (with any mental “disorder”). which is yet another reason why the DSM is constantly being revised.

  91. I am 37. Single mother. Returned to college 2 years ago and just transferred to a university. I have several learning disabilities (and physical). I’ve been a business owner, a great leader, and independent; however, I do not play well with others. I speak from the heart and mean to be soft but the tone of my voice is harsh and comes out sarcastic sounding. I recently googled, “How to change your personality,” and have been trying strategies to do so. I have social anxiety really bad. I have been on medication for years for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. I have no desire to be social. I have very few friends. Most of them have taken advantage of me. I cut them off for a few years then find it easier to rebuild their friendship than to go out and meet new people. I am a total perfectionist, but horrible speller. I could not continue to read the entire blog because of all of the grammar errors. I am a Buddhist and I am studying a dual-major: Elementary Education and Special Education. I excel at everything I LIKE. I can be arrogant. I can also be affected by negative people really easy and I take everything personally. If somebody is REALLY upset with me and it is not just my imagination, I disconnect and pretend it is not happening or I pretend to be somebody else. I suffer from PTSD. I believe my symptoms have worsened since the onset of PTSD in 2006. I often think, “I really can’t stand my own personality. I have to change NOW!”

    I am really interested in more of what you have to say and would like to speak to you regarding my symptoms and possibly try to find the right person to help me treat this or learn some healthy coping skills. Please contact me asap and thank you for writing this blog. I have no idea how I came across it, but I did. Thank you, universe! Dana

  92. Wow…62yo sensitive female RN married for 4 years to an Aspie geek 16 years my junior. I have almost all the symptoms you mentioned. Lifelong “underachiever”, I think I only graduated from school due to my instinct to pair up with people who were able to keep track of the assignments then I would help them with the work. My 30yo undiagnosed (formally) daughter sent me here. She has it in spades also. “No light touch! Don’t hug me! You’re trailing sound! (when I left something on in the other room and didn’t immediately turn it off for her benefit.)” No clothing tags, shoes and clothes a size too big, myriad food dislikes, eats one food at time, socially withdraws, only wants to be with family and that not very much, married to an Aspie and asexual (they both like it that way.) I could go on and on. Life is interesting, isn’t it?

  93. I wonder if the female “Asperger’s/High Functioning Autism” profile you and others have come up with and the more studied male “Asperger’s/High Functioning Autism” profile are really two different conditions?

  94. Hello Tania,
    I stumbled onto your blog while looking for support for my nineteen-year-old son. He’s been “diagnosed” with a combination of psych labels from various therapists/docs since he was twelve: Attachment Disorder, ADHD, Bi-Polar, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Depression/Anxiety, etc. I have never believed any of these labels was quite right. My husband and I knew his behavior was “different” from most other children since we adopted him before he was a year old. Our older son was a very different child than his younger brother. As a teacher, I knew something wasn’t right but it’s been so hard to figure out the puzzle. I suggested to him recently that I thought he was on the autism spectrum. At first he was very angry, but then he investigated on his own. He’s extremely smart, 150 IQ, but with the social sense of a young child. He later told me he agrees that he has autistic tendencies. I bring up my son, because the more I read about ASD, the more I see myself. I’m fifty years old and have always felt like an outsider looking in. I’m very introverted, often reclusive, obsessive about my interests, physically hypersensitive, intuitive, with a very keen sixth sense, more interested in reading/studying than socializing, and uncomfortable in many social situations… As a teacher it is uncomfortable for me to go beyond my classroom when at school. I enjoy talking to colleagues one on one about teaching practices and such but avoid the staff lounge, hate the meetings, and become almost physically ill when required to participate in loud, rancorous staff meetings. If I do speak up about something I feel strongly about, others may misconstrue my intentions, and look upon me as uncooperative. I “pay” for my behavior because people sometimes think I am arrogant. I don’t think I am. I have a few close friends, and my husband and I are somewhat similar in temperament (he is far more social), but I have always struggled to make friends. I have always felt out of sync with most other people, but can be an excellent mimic when I have the energy to do so. That’s how I get through the minutiae of life. So, I recognize myself here, and it gives me some understanding of who I may be. Thank you.

    1. Hello Cam,

      thank-you for your message. Your description certainly reflects some distinguishing features or characteristics commonly seen in the expression of Asperger Syndrome in females. Many individuals have what I call a “cocktail” of diagnoses, and it may be only until the
      the late teen years or adulthood, that they receive the appropriate diagnosis.

  95. Thank you for this list. I am a 65 year old female and this describes me completely. I knew nothing about aspergers until about two weeks ago when I read that there may be a connection between anorexia and autism. That got me started and I ended up at your website. I had a very serious bout with anorexia 50 years ago and I have never read a satisfactory description of this disease. I don’t believe I was trying to be thin. Even though I got down to 88 pounds, I remember thinking that was not low enough. I believe I was punishing my body in some way. Have you done any research in this area? Thank you.

    1. I know its a common enough name but you didn’t live in Acacia Avenue and ride horses as a child did you? I won’t give any more details as that should be sufficient if you are the person I used to play with. I only ask because it would be wonderful if you were the same Margaret. But, yes, I know it’s unlikely and Hanson is probably your married name anyway but I had to ask.

  96. I love the list you have put together. I am 35 and have gone through a massive nervous breakdown in the last two years. Medications did not help. As I look at your list it exemplifies me completely. I didn’t take stock of how many things I could check off since they all seem to apply.

    I was always seen as highly intelligent and creative but struggled deeply through highschool and college. My Son was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disability. My kids are both being tested for autism.

    I was diagnosed as having PTSD and anxiety. NVLD comes from the mother’s side. My son’s diagnosis explained a lot of my struggles. I am pursuing a formal diagnosis so I will develop the coping skills to keep me out of the hospital.

    When I was in the hospital they simply noted that I was highly intelligent with too much stress. I brought up the question of female aspergers and they tossed me off since I was really aware of myself. It was all attributed to stress.

    Again, I could check off everything on your list. My little girl would be checking each item off as well. If you are able to do skype assessments I would be interested. Please email me as to how to make that happen.

    Thank you

  97. I stumbled onto this blog by accident. I think it was meant to be! I am 64 years old and always thought I had some mental issue that I inherited from my mother and gave to some of my children and grandchildren. I have such a difficult time meeting and being around people. I always say the wrong thing…and ask myself “did I just say that?” Every few months I have to take a day or two to stay in bed and be alone. I long for quiet and solitude. If two or more people are talking at the same time I want to run away. I have a hard time expressing myself vocally, but have no problem writing. I am very good at public speaking as long as I write my words down beforehand. I start projects with a passion but lose interest right away. Consequently I never finish anything. I now know what is wrong with me. Doesn’t change anything, but it’s good to know. Maybe I can help my children and grandchildren

    1. WOW! I am feeling the same thing but am 34 I am sorry for you to have been so alone and unsure of why. I think I understand you. I hope you find comfort.

  98. Warning this post has adult content
    Thanks for such an exhaustive list.
    My few cents based on my life experiences as a “high functioning” autistic woman:
    The cocktail of missing social cues, desire to please, and sensory processing issues has lead to confusing, traumatizing, and non-consensual intimate situations in my life. Successful intimacy may require quite a bit of negotiation due to sensory issues. For example, my husband knows that holding my arm firmly feels better than light caresses.
    Have you noticed instances of aspienwomen participating in alternative sexualities where roles, sensations, and expectations are set in advance?
    How many of us vary in our functionality over our monthly cycles? Part of my PMS includes feeling “lower functioning.” (This has made me very curious about the role of hormone levels in how autism is expressed.)
    I also wonder how many of us have stumbled on using tighter clothing or shape-wear for compression therapy; looking back on high school I think that those tight jeans were really giving me a boost.

    1. I’ll reiterate your warning; adult content here as well

      Your reference to non-consensual intimate encounters struck me. From about age 18 to 25 (when I married) I was concomitantly promiscuous and almost virginally innocent. I “caved in” to sexual encounters as though I had no will of my own. I hated it and loved it when guys came onto me. It was as though I had to take charge and become the aggressor. I had to control the situation and so I did. Soft touching made me anxious, so I wanted quick, fast, furious sex. For a long time I wondered what that was about. It wasn’t like I ever had an orgasm. It was more like “this is going to happen, so I will control it.” I didn’t know how to read guys; I didn’t know how to negotiate the male-female dance. I craved acceptance and didn’t understand that these men had no interest in me other than physical gratification. My heart would suffer – sometimes a great deal – but then I would shut myself off and move on. Looking back, I realize that most of my encounters really weren’t truly consensual. That sounds strange, I know. After all, I engaged in them willingly, on the outside. But inside? I actually thought my partners cared for me and that was why I was giving myself to them. When I married (to my absolute best friend) everything changed. I couldn’t “make love.” Soft caresses make me want to jump out of my skin. I can’t kiss – I haven’t kissed my husband in 35 years, other than pecks on the cheek. Whenever we had sex, I wanted to go right to the orgasm. We found our way (sometimes with great difficulty) and have had great raucous sex for most of our marriage ( although we have reached the age where it is infrequent now) so neither of us have any complaints. And I have to say that my husband has been amazing in accommodating my “differences.” But I know that he would like that kind of soft, touching intimacy that I just can’t provide. I’d like to see more discussion here about sexuality. I think it’s an especially hard are for us Aspien women and our mates.

  99. I have every single one of these traits other than Irlen Syndrome but don’t know what it is. I was diagnosed with ADHD and am 34 and having a hard time. I am with my dog and she is my only real contact. I fear becoming homeless again if I cant hold down my job working for a much older boyfriend. I am doing my best but am afraid for my future. What do u think I should do? I have very little.

  100. Hello,
    I feel like reading your list is a homecoming of sorts, I was a very shy and introverted growing up, which was only made worse because of my father’s constant transfers across the country. How I wished I knew others would also struggled with similar traits, I turned inward (of course) and kept books around me like lost friends, after all, a book never judged or rolled their eyes when I said or acted in some kind of socially-awkward way. I spent my teenage years completely obsessed with writing down song lyrics, compiling them in a notebook to refer and review later, often musing about what the author really meant with their choices of words or context. Truth be told, I still am obsessed with song lyrics as well as reading (on average I read five books at a time at any given moment) and writing poetry. My question is, can people self-diagnose? Even though I received counseling for mild depression the doctor and therapist didn’t seem to think I had any type of condition other than the slight depression, however, I am convinced after reading this that I fit neatly into many of the categories, especially the desperate need for isolation at times and the profound connection I feel to nature.
    Thank you for having this information available.
    I would love to know if there is any kind of online forum or support group.

    1. I want you to know u r not alone I understand finally what I have and I will be 35 this month. I’m relieved and overwhelmed and amazed that finally I know, I knew, something was not “normal” and I was not stupid or crazy or JUST ADHD! I knew there was more going on with me now finally I know what!

  101. It all fits with me. I asked for an assessment and was sent to a psychiatrist. I had more of an understanding than he did. He expected me to have gone to a special school be interested in trains and not lie. He assessed me on his limited knowledge of young boys. I’m female, in my 50’s, changed schools when I was eleven and any problems I had were put down to the move. I lead an isolated life through choice but at 45 met a wonderful person who has become my sole mate. I can not see a specialist based on his report. He caused me so much stress. I think it’s criminal to put people in that situation. My own Doctor after having read his report was speechless but it powerless to do any more for me.

  102. I have had problems for decades and been treated for depression for decades, even hospitalised for it, and was diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum 5 years ago but I didn’t realise because I had too many things to read, court documents over my son, who also has Asperger Syndrome. I have had a terrible time, because I have massive what I called panic attacks but I think other people call them meltdowns, but one horrible woman from the secret family courts wrote on a report about me that I am dishevelled and that I had a temper tantrum, but that was because she was trying to bully me to force me to have NLP councelling at her office which is near where I was abused in “care” as a child, and she said the councelling (which I didnt even want, not off her because she was a scary woman) had to be at that exact place and couldn’t be anywhere else at all, so I started crying and ended up in a big state on the kitchen floor and she wouldn’t let my partner comfort me because she said I was having a temper tantrum and it was giving in to it to comfort me, so my partner had to tell her to go away. And then I had to see another man (forced to by the family court) but he was nice, not scary like her. I have been asking for an assessment to see if I have Asperger Syndrome for about 4 years, not realising I have already been diagnosed, and just been messed around, made to feel like a waste of space and generally treated with contempt, but what happens then is I start to believe I am useless and that makes me even more depressed so its a vicious circle.

  103. I found your blogsite while researching a character. What a surprise to work out that I, myself, am on the spectrum! I would never have been diagnosed as I am an eternal optimist so being the way I am has never overly troubled me. I celebrate my unique characteristics and point of view and probably won’t seek or need an “official diagnosis”. But I understand how people who aren’t comfortable in society and who get depressed would need to have this and find it helpful.
    It has been ponderous to me, and to my family, that I cannot keep the house tidy and clean to the standards most other achieve- domestically challenged is my description for this. I have fallen in love with a man nearly a generation away and cannot understand why this is a problem for him. I’ve had 3 complete and successful career changes but that kind of professional upheaval does not accumulate wealth. And one long, unhappy prison sentence of a marriage now, thankfully, over. It’s only just now that I am reaching some level of emotional maturity. I think this is happening because I have finally learnt how to surround myself with people I actually like and who like me as I am, who graciously help me deal with people problems when they arise.
    So I am finally not trying to hide how I really am; what a waste of time and energy that was! I realise now too, since reading your checklist, Tania, that my mother is also on the spectrum. Her obsession has always been cleaning so we’ve never had much in common.
    It is liberating, empowering and shocking to know how I fit into the general human psychological framework. I am glad to know. It makes sense and will definitely keep me safer from being taken advantage of in future. I thought I had a number of big shortcomings but it is really just that my perceptions and outlook are based on the view from a different window.
    Thank you Tania 🙂

  104. This explains so much about me, and lends more weight to my feeling that I may be an Aspergirl (well, woman, I am 40 now!). About 90% fits, although I never got as far as going to uni due to having a baby when I was 18 (had severe pnd after she was born, too), while in an abusive relationship, following basically abuse in my mid teens. Vulnerable? Oh and how. And still I cannot recognise these things in others, and am surprised time and again by the truth of other people that I have somehow missed. Then on the other hand I am very empathic, which caused me to doubt that I could be an Aspie – after all, Aspies can’t empathise, can they? But hyperempathic fits well, I will weep with someone who is sad, and jump for joy with someone who is happy. Etc, etc. All of this is so me, to a T. Will this ever be an accepted set of diagnostic criteria? (Not in its present form, too many repetitions, but you did say it is a draft). If I could find a diagnosis then maybe I wouldn’t feel so different and separate, I would know there are others like me out there (and would be content with the knowledge; being an Aspie, I wouldn’t necessarily want to go out and meet all those people like me, after all 😉 )

  105. this is really amazing work. makes me feel not so alone. i’d say more than 75% of the traits describe me. i look forward to hearing about your future work in this area. i think my husband really needs to read this!

  106. Hi Taniaann, I have not seen a list like this before and it provides an accurate description of me. Identifying these characteristics as Asperger’s Syndrome in women gives me hope. I am a 54 year-old women who has, throughout my life, benefited from some of the listed characteristics but struggled, painfully, with others. The idea that a part of my confusion about people and relationships could result from AS, and not from my own stupidity or lack of insight, is a relief. I would be happy to contribute to your research.

  107. All I could do, whilst reading, was to stare with my jaw hanging open. I’ve been searching for almost 40 years for a “why”. I had viewed a TV show about Asperger’s Syndrome several months ago and began to wonder; thus, I Googled.

    Have been mis-diagnosed a few times – Bipolar, PTSD, Severe PMS (LOL). I have not been officially dx’d for Asperger’s but, wow, does your list look like my biography.

    The empathy section had me in tears. I cannot tell you how many years I have tried to explain this to others and how painful (and at times joyful) it can be to literally, somehow, “feel” what others are feeling and thinking.
    And, by the way, be very careful when trying to explain that to a doctor as their first inclination is to slap you with a Bipolar disorder DX and label empathy as ‘grandiose thoughts’….
    For instance:

    Doctor Makeyouwell : “Mmmhmmm, yes and you say you can read minds?”

    Patient: “No Sir, that is not what I said.”
    (frustration sets in as you try in vain to explain yourself, expecting this poor soul to ‘get it’ and ‘feel’ what you are saying). “I said, I can ‘feel’ what others are thinking and/or feeling.”

    Doctor Makeyouwell: “Mmmmhhhmm, and do you ever believe that you can fly or that you can save the world?”

    Patient: “facepalm”

    Can you relate? 😉
    XO
    atomicgypsy

  108. Hi Tania,

    Thank you so very, very much for your work in this field. Your list is amazing, and whilst reading it I felt like something has clicked into place.

    I have a long history of depression and self-harm, and have seen numerous counsellors/psychiatrists etc. As my childhood was abusive my therapists tend to want to use that to explain my social phobia/ depression etc, bit it just doesn’t seem right to me. If I take any AQ test I always score really high.

    I am very sensitive to others emotions, to the point where I cannot distinguish between theirs and mine. I can read peoples emotions very well, but this does little to assist in social interactions. I cannot, for the life of me, do small talk. I like intense, deep, conversations and I’m told i’m very serious. I can laugh and joke, but my sense of humour is not slapstick as i find it patronising, and i am rubbish at banter. I’ll avoid the staff room at lunch time, and I hate work social events. If I feel uncomfortable talking to someone I don’t know very well I tend to nod and smile a lot, and I exhibit echolalia quite a lot.

    I have very intense and short lived obsessions that take over my life so that other things get neglected, like housework and my husband. My interests are really geeky I.e star trek, alternative music, fantasy, history etc. I binge read a novel, or watch episodes of a series back to back, and I get resentful and defensive if anyone tries to stop me.

    I have found having my children really difficult. I have two boys, and my eldest cried all the time as a baby. I found it incredibly distressing and anxiety inducing, and I have not really learned how to deal with the typical shouting and screaming of small children. I hate noise and cannot even have the radio very loud as it makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed.

    I spend so much time on introspection and soul searching, and have always felt world weary and fatigued, as if life is just exhausting and I don’t really get anything done. I hate change and it takes a lot out of me.

    Sorry, this is getting very long. There are more boxes for me to tick, but I just wanted to know if you think I could be an asperwoman? I was referred to a psychiatrist by my gp 4 years ago in order to assess if I was aspie or not. I had read an article about ‘little philosophers’ and it really rung a bell, so I asked for the assessment. She said that she thought I had social phobia, but since I interacted ‘fine’ and lacked any ritualised behaviour that she thought I didn’t fit the aspie profile. I’m convinced that I would fit a female profile though, and since there wasn’t one for her to refer to at the time I wasn’t diagnosed.

    Do you think it’s worth approaching for another assessment?

  109. Wonderful , very comprehensive info. I am 53 yrs old, and believe I have Aspergers, as well as my daughter. My son has Autism, my brother, mother, grandfather, I suspect all have Aspergers. There are so many puzzle pieces which totally make sense in my family. Everyone however, expresses these traits differently. Thank you for the information!

  110. Tania…. you have just described me to an absolute tee…. my fourth child at nearly 4 is just going through the diagnosis process of autism which has made me realise I have aspergers syndrome… I am a psychic and have a metaphysical Ph.D. Life has been such a struggle for me.. But I believe autism is humanities evolution as we are balancing up the male female sides of our brains and engaging our higher senses… Thanks for your awesome work Love and blessings Melanie

  111. I am 19 years old. I have always felt like I was different, I got diagnosed with acute ADD as a child. Recently I read a blog entry of a woman with asperger’s and It was like looking at myself in the mirror, I feel like this explains so many things that I feel and that have happened to me. I lead a more or less “normal” life, however I am very unhappy, I am not close to my family, and I would not feel comfortable talking about this with any of my friends. When I was younger I was bullied a lot, I have no self esteem and I feel like I can only be social when I’m drunk and it’s becoming a problem, I get extremely anxious by social situations, or some days even leaving my house is really difficult
    My doubt is what should I do now? I have access to a free psychologist, would that be a good idea? I am really scared of going to therapy and I don’t know how to go about talking to a psychologist about this, any tips? If anyone can help me I would really appreciate it

  112. As a recently diagnosed female (22) after being misdiagnosed my entire life it’s nice to read this and get some sort of understanding as to why I am like I am instead of constantly wondering what is wrong with me or thinking I’m going mad. So thank you.

  113. Hello Tania,

    I must say that reading this list has lifted an incredibly heavy weight off my shoulders.

    I am 18 years old, I dropped out of high school at 15 and am currently trying to figure out what to do with my life.

    I was formally diagnosed with OCD, generalized anxiety, ADHD, learning disabilities, giftedness and I suffer from bouts of depression and social anxiety. I am currently taking Concerta and Citalopram. I always knew there was something different about me. I am incredibly in tune with children and animals. I don’t have any friends, nor do I have an interest in making any. I love computers, non fiction, photography and film. I can feel peoples emotions and it overwhelms me. I have trouble being out because the smell of cigarette smoke is completely debilitating for me.

    I would love to receive a formal diagnosis as it would aid me in my understanding of myself and aid me in succeeding in whatever I choose to do.

    I reside in Canada. If you can recommend someone or even do it yourself that would be wonderful. (money is of no object)

    Thank you!

    Enya

  114. Hey Tania! I see you have written that duplication is forbidden but can I translate this for a forum because I want to help women in my country who don’t speak English? I think people will benefit from it, I am not going to use it for any profit -, it will just be a forum post, I will give you the link. Is this ok for you? There are no resources about autistic women available in my language and that’s why I kind of volunteer to spread awareness online. I find your list one of the best, I want more females to benefit from it. Thank you!

    1. Hello and thank-you for your message and for asking for permission. My blog has been translated into several languages now. Yes, please go ahead and translate my writings for the forum. I do have a book series coming out soon. May I ask what your language is?

      1. Thank-you I was just curious. My blog has been translated into a few different languages now. Can you please send me the link of where it is, as I have people wanting to know the links for other translations. Thank-you.

      2. I will send you the link as soon as it is ready, I am now a bit busy with other things to do and executive functioning is a struggle for me. But I will try to finish it ASAP.

  115. THIS IS ME!!! Why has nobody seen this ever?? I have been to psychiatrists and counselors since I can remember….

    1. Hello, it is quite common all over the world for woman to be MIS-diagnosed, MIS-medicated, MIS-managed and MIS-understood. There are a select few of us (researchers, professionals) working hard to change this. I am aware of 5 other PhD students working in this area, in addition to myself. All the best.

      1. I’m one of the people who was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but the psych who did it (one in Qld actually Tania) was an abusive creep who later admitted he knew it was a misdiagnosis and did not care. But then again, that was the least of the abuse he put me and my exhusband through. I’ve seen countless psychs and not one picked up the aspergers. I do have Bipolar II which has been picked up by most (before the incorrect BPD diagnosis and anyone after who didn’t allow the incorrect BPD diagnosis to influence their thinking), but they all noticed I have social phobia and emotionally hypersensitive, affect that wasn’t quite “normal” (such as half smiling when I was crying my eyes out and suicidal) and so on. They could tell I was “different” but all that did was get me labelled as attention seeking and weird. even the pretty good psych I saw for 7 years missed it – even after my daughter was diagnosed with aspergers, not one of the many psychs I saw considered it. Nor did any of the other doctors I saw consider it until recently. They knew of my sensory issues but just dismissed it as being part of my fibromyalgia and arthritis, same with my problem with remembering/distinguishing faces etc. I’ve had all sorts of labels like OCD, possible ADHD etc when all symptoms simply meet the list above for aspergers.

        There is no doubt sadly I have bipolar II and I may actually have ADHD (my daughter has both, and my sister definitely has ADHD and I believe she has aspergers too), but the more I research female aspergers, there is no doubt I have it. I never would have considered it until my hubby started bugging me about it. I think for him though it’s more about wanting to feel better about himself – he has aspergers and it would make him feel better if I was diagnosed officially too. Looking into it, but it’s so ridiculously expensive when we can’t even afford the therapy my daughter desperately needs.

  116. I feel like I’ve been walking through the woods and have suddenly met myself on a path I didn’t know I was on. I’m standing there looking at this woman and feel a sense of relief, compassion, and urgency. Can this really be the answer to my life-long struggles? Can I finally accept myself and not feel like there is something inherently “wrong” with me? I don’t know where to go from here… Can you recommend any resources in Canada? Thank you so much for your work and for helping so many women meet themselves in the woods.

    1. Hello LittleRedFox, thank-you for your message. Yes, you can feel a sense of relief, compassion, and urgency. Yes, it can can be the answer to your life-long struggles. Yes, you can finally accept yourself and not feel like there is something inherently “wrong” with you.
      In Canada, I know of Dr. Isabelle Henault in Montreal I will also e-mail you and you are welcome. Thank-you for your kind words.

  117. This was so interesting to read! I’m an SLP working in the schools so of course I’m prone to looking for symptoms everywhere. My daughter just started college this week and was hit by major anxiety the first time she tried to do her homework. She was already in a depressive mood just missing home and was overwhelmed. She sought counseling and dropped a class and is now moving forward step by step even though 3 days ago we thought we would have to bring her home. She commented to me the other day that she misses talking to adults and that she is around peers 24/7. I think back to my little girl who showed little facial expression in her early pictures, who panicked at her ballet performances and cried because “people are looking at me and smiling at me”, who screamed at the sound of the garage door or the vacuum, who always enjoyed conversations with her teachers and aunts and uncles, who said to me last week that the thing keeping her at her college was “not wanting to feel like a failure or disappoint everyone who believes in me”, who adores the little boy with autism she babysits and the little girl with autism who lives next door, and who wants to be a special education teacher…and I wonder. I would love to know more when there are assessments specifically geared toward women.

    1. Hi Kerry, thank-you for your message. Your daughter sounds like she has some of the features consistent with Aspergers in a female. However, a formal assessment would be necessary for an accurate diagnosis. I will email you regarding assessments specifically geared toward women. All the best.

  118. Frightening stuff! For a few years I thought the hard part was being married to an Aspergers husband for over 30yrs and have been carrying way more than my share of our joint responsibilities. I manage my own business (which is very challenging and difficult for me and I frequently feel overwhelmed but having to be the breadwinner leaves me no other option), I run our home and keep contact with our two adult children and I frequently have to withdraw for days at a time to cope and recover. I very carefully read your overview of Aspergers Syndrome symptoms in women and realize with dismay that my disproportionate level of inward turmoil and suffering can probably be attributed to having Aspergers Syndrome myself while trying to comprehend and deal with a dysfunctional husband at the same time. It’s a crushing blow but at the same time I can better understand why life has been such a monumental struggle at times. It gets a little easier now that I’m older and have simplified my life (I socialize to a minimum and I’ve abandoned religion, don’t go on holidays and mostly spend free time with my pets in my garden and am careful not to commit my time to unimportant issues). I sincerely hope I can learn to function better myself and have more wisdom in coping with my sometimes very difficult partner. I sometimes feel like a single parent with a rebellious teenager that never grows up. Thank you all the same for the insight. It is much appreciated.

  119. OMG! This hit me like a ton of bricks!! I have about 95 percent of these traits!! I’m literally crying right now. Thank you, Tania! You don’t know how much of an impact you have on me right now.

  120. Fits me 99% perfectly (and lots of other aspie women I know) except none of us are willing to change our core identity to make people like us, and none of us asexual – rather we are hypersexual with the only issue being easily distracted by sensory issues.

  121. I am empowered by your list. I want/need living support so I do need a diagnosis. Can you write about the fact that officially there is no “Aspergers” anymore? What can I show my psychiatrist who has very outdated thinking about aspergers? He’s convinced I just have ADHD and depression.
    Help!

    1. Kashi I can relate. All my life I have been sent to psychiatrists and psychologists for depression. At 45 years old I finally am beginning to understand who I am..

  122. After reading your article, I know for a fact that this is what I have been struggling with for the past thirty years of my life if not longer…. I felt like I was reading an article about myself. My son has symptoms of Asperger’s and now he is 15 years old. I have spent the last 15 years trying to help him with his issues so that he can be a successful individual in society and not end up being like me with so many problems that I can hardly deal with my life on a daily basis. Thank you for your research…..it is needed and can be so beneficial for the future of the children within our societies that struggle on a daily basis living with the overwhelming thoughts, feelings and uncertainties of everyday life. I am now 46 years old and I have struggled with eating disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts, extreme low self esteem, obsessive compulsive tendencies, literal interpretation of thoughts and expressions, etc….. This has been going on as long as I can remember. As I said before, your article was an accurate description of myself…… yet you have never spoken with me. God Bless You for your Work…… In my eyes, you are an Angel that is speaking out for me due to the fact that I do not wish to bother others with my problems,. Everyone has problems and I would rather help others than have others help me….Because it is the right thing to do. God Bless you and I hope someday I will have the pleasure of meeting you in person. Sincerely yours, Jacqueline Lonier

    1. Dear Jacqueline, thank-you so much for your message and kind words. As researchers in the field of female Autism/Asperger Syndrome, we are now just starting to understand that there is a distinct female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome. We are just now starting to understand this profile, along with the similarities and the differences between males and females. You certainly do sound like you have the kinds of characteristics that I observe in my clinical work. Take care and all the best/

  123. I am 45 yrs old. What do I say or bring to a new psychiatrist/counselor/psychologist to say hey please I think I am an aspie??

  124. Thank you for this post.
    This list covers so many aspects of my personality that I had just convinced myself were just my ‘oddities’ and after all these years have just recentely been diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome.

  125. Thanks Tania for this comprehensive list of female aspie traits. Like others here I have struggled my entire life, bulimia in my teens; feelings from a young age of never fitting in; easliy stressed; desperately needing time on my own frequently to name a few. I have seen various psycologists but never seem to have pinpointed my problem. This list is 90% me.
    I laughed at the reference to form filling – I am a terible form filler outer and seem to bomb out on the initial gender question lol.
    I strongly suspect my brother has aspergers and my mother strongly suspects my uncle had aspergers – in fact when I think about my vast family (50 first cousins on my mothers side alone) I can see aspie traits in quite a few of us!

  126. Hello Tanya, thank you very much for your description. I’m 56 years old and just self diagnosed that I’m having Asperger syndrome. I knew that one of my brothers has Asperger syndrome , but I didn’t know that women’s Asperger looks different. Now I got an explanation for many things in my life and it’s a relief. Your list is another confirmation. In Germany where I live this diagnosis didn’t exist when I was young. When I was 11 and my brother 9 my parents saw psychologists. They congratulated them for their high intelligent children, but this changed nothing. They didn’t understand us and for us this was a negative experience and no help at all. Maybe my education and training would have been easier having had this diagnosis. I’m a doctor. I don’t need a formal diagnosis now because nothing would change and I won’t see a psychotherapist now. It would have helped 45 years before. Thank you very much for your work

    1. Hello Betty, thank-you for your message. There exist a couple of generations of adults in your situation, who may have been diagnosed as children, if we had known about the ‘Spectrum’ then. Understanding and knowledge Autism or Aspergers is crucial. A strengths-based approach is also important. You certainly have done well for yourself with your training as a Doctor. You are welcome and all the best.

  127. I’m 58 and suspect this is me … Thanks for putting such a comprehensive picture together! No wonder I get depressed! 😛

  128. Hi, Today I finally got to see an “Autism Diagnostician” after an eternal wait who said I didn’t look autistic. I feel humiliated, devastated… After the journey that I have taken to get to the point of meeting him to be dismissed so trivially. Your list describes the misshapen road of my existence, and now I am lost, again

    1. Hello Mary, I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately, it is a common one that I hear about. I hope to provide some ways that may impact and change the way females are assessed, diagnosed, and most important of all, heard. Take care.

    2. what does one have to “look” like??
      Interesting because even a clergy person told us that our daughter couldn’t be autistic because she “looks” normal.

      1. “She doesnt look like it, she gives eye contact, she can carry on a conversation” are common descriptions heard for not giving a female a diagnosis of a Spectrum condition. The female profile of Autism is different to the male profile. In fact, it is most likely that females do give eye contact (and often too much), can carry on superficial conversations and can socialize for short periods of time.

  129. Thank you for this, I have struggled all my life with this and could never understand what was wrong with me until my grandson was diagnosed with AS ( I recognized it in him before he was 12 days old – a sort of Hi I know you, just like me and my son). He was diagnosed by Tony Attwood at 2 years and myself a few years later. But what you have writted seems to address me as a female, I can identify with almost all of it, the great at knowledge by dropping our of school and classes, very high IQ and then dropping down to 130 when another was take with language in it, very sensitive to peoples moods and what they are thinking, and this may sound strange but sounds and colours are almost like numbers and letters to me they seem to have a life of their own. Had terrible time with eye contact but now that I wear glasses have found that taking them off when talking to people helps. I hope they embrace this as the female AS, as having struggled everyday of my life this gives me a certain sense of vindication. SharonV

    1. Hi Sharon, thank-you for your message. You are welcome. My work, blog, and book series are all based on addressing the female profile, females as “research orphans”, and devoted to a working definition of female Autism. The “sounds and colours are almost like numbers and letters” is known as Synesthesia. I am pleased you find a sense of vindication and/or relief and/or it now all makes sense. All the best Sharon.

  130. Tania,

    Thank you for creating this blog! I was researching for my son last night when one click led to another and somehow I landed in your website. I am fully astounded, and the things you have written here have rung so true again and again. I have sobbed many times over since last night, realizing who I really must be–a lost, misdiagnosed Aspien. I’m sorry my reply is long; it’s more for me than anyone else.

    The more I have researched my son’s Asperger’s / autism, the more I have pondered the idea that I am a highly compensated Aspie and that he got it from me. Over the last few years, I have read hours on hours of scientific literature regarding familial problems with amino acid metabolism and brain chemistry; I know scientists are slowly bridging the knowledge gap and proving that autism is less likely to be from environmental influences only and is more likely to be a manifestation of many things–including our genetics.

    I am a self-described “super chameleon” because my main goal in life is to have people love me and accept me for who and what I am. This desire to fit in has consumed me as a person and affected everything about me as a professional. I am hyperempathetic with a highly developed 6th sense as you describe; this makes me a very sensitive teacher because I can perceive a student’s discomfort with material within seconds of delivering it. Still, I am as potentially unemotional and detached from my loved ones as so many others on the autism spectrum. I have struggled for years with knowing who I really am and why I fight this world for an identity that rings true to me. I live with some modicum of suppressed depression.

    I am a veterinary radiologist and former educator of veterinary students. I practice medicine every day from a unique perspective that many of my peers do not possess–I use my gut feelings / intuition AS MUCH AS my extensive knowledge base. I have developed a keen sense of awareness for my patients that guides my diagnoses. I have no idea where this ability comes from, but I usually need to see my patients and may even place my hands on them to do my best work (being a radiologist is a hands-off but very artistic niche so my approach is quite unconventional).

    This blog gives me hope for a diagnosis for myself. I live in the United States and would love to get help. I am struggling to pass an oral exam for my career that I am more than qualified to pass, but my “verbal confidence” is lacking and is holding me back. I can explain the exam process much better to a therapist later, but most of my examiners were seated out of my line of sight. Thus, I could not gauge my progress by reading their faces as I normally would. Amazingly, after failing the first section, I figured out how to read the vibe in the room, and I did much better. I am terrified of the process, but after playing the game once, I know I can beat this with very structured advice / help. Can you help me possibly obtain a diagnosis, or can you recommend someone who can help me here in the US? I know how busy you must be.

    Again, thank you so much for making your life’s work available on this blog. You are changing lives everyday.

    1. Erica, thank-you so much for your kind and positive words. I set up this blog directly from my professional qualifications, work, experience and professional development. I wanted to help females receive the correct diagnosis and contribute to the scant knowledge of the female profile of Aspergers and Autism. I am pleased that my blog is helpful to you.

      There is a sub-group of “super chameleons” whose desire to fit in is very strong. There is another group who couldn’t care less. It is a condition of extremes. Your hyperempathy is a gift, although many tell me they don’t like it. Your highly developed 6th sense
      makes you fantastic at what you do as a teacher. Many struggle with their identity and knowing who they are well into their forties or fifties. Using your “gut” feelings is quite useful adjunct to your practice. I know several females similar to you, in that they are born with this what I call an “asperpower” sixth sense, which gives you an advantage over your peers. Your comments about the oral exam and verbal challenges are common, as is reading the room. I will e-mail you. Take care.

  131. Thank you so much for this list. I’ve known that I was different – well forever – but I have recently begun to suspect that I may be an aspie because of my persistent difficulty with social situations. I’m a confident public speaker (these days) but at nearly 40 I still cannot approach strangers and talk to them and I struggle to do small talk even with people I know well. I’ve done Baron-Cohen’s tests – EQ=14, SQ=47, and AQ=42 The only thing that didn’t fit in the descriptions I was reading was the empathy part – I’m very good at reading other people’s emotions (28 on reading the mind with eyes test) and I hate watching the news and seeing suffering, especially animals! It is interesting what you say about ‘psychic’ abilities Yeah I’ve got those but I’ve learnt to keep that to myself – I’m certainly curious to hear more about that!

    I had a dysfunctional childhood which has had a significant impact on my self esteem, but I know that I was different and very very shy from when I was a toddler. When I was a child I really was in my own little fantasy world (which was far more interesting than the world that the other kids seemed to play in). I was bullied all the way through school because I didn’t (and still don’t) share the interests of other girls. I’ve never really felt that I particularly belong to either gender, I still tend to identify with male characters more than female. I was interested to see the comments here about sexuality – I find both people of both genders attractive but also consider myself to be essentially asexual.

    It has been a constant struggle to try and fit in, all the while I guess I’ve had some hope that maybe the world would change one day and make sense, or that I would change like a butterfly and ‘become normal’. I’ve been waiting for the day when I will be able to talk up to someone and strike up a conversation! I feel that I’ve lost much of my self identity trying to fit in (or had to hide it). I’m hoping that in understanding why I’m different perhaps I can get my identity back again. The confidence to be myself. Reality has tended to take me away from the things that I really enjoy doing but I’m recognising that I will be much happier doing the things I care about rather than wasting any more of my time trying to fit into the wrong shaped hole!

  132. Hi, I have a really important question which I’m hoping you will answer for me. I had to really fight to get an assessment by a UK Autism Team (they didn’t want to see me because they thought I was just depressed) and they wouldn’t finish the assessment. They said you’re too self-aware to be on the spectrum, you’ve just got autistic traits and the sensory problems you’ve got are caused by depression.
    I was not suffering from depression although I’ve had it many times in the past. And I’ve still got the sensory problems and social problems which make my life very difficult at times. I’ve tried to accept what they said and get on with my life. Recently I saw a psychiatrist to get access to some couselling and he said you’re obviously mildly autistic. He doesn’t agree with them. I don’t know what to do now. The Autism Team just went through a check list, a bunch of it didn’t seem women, or even mild autism, appropriate.
    I have never seen a list of traits that described me so accurately in all my life. It was almost a shock to read.
    The question is:
    Are adult women more aware of their autistic nature than men? Even if they don’t know what it is? As I said they said I was too aware of it to be on the spectrum. Most of that awareness happened recently. I’m 38 and only started to question myself at about 35. I was aware of problems now and then but didn’t link them together or see any pattern.
    I would really appreiciate your opinion on this matter. Best wishes and thank you for the list.

  133. Almost brilliant in clarity. Thanks. I am 60 male married to child psychologist, and i finally agree that i share many AS traits. Actually almost all of them. I didn’t see bicycle riding. I have ridden through most of Northern Hemisphere, minus Asia. Why i think that may be related is from the nature of peddling; very soothing repetition. You can be out in nature, and usually not talking to a crowd of people. Also saw the psi ability referenced, and thought it should be connected, because i am good at it, but thinking whoops, just a sample of one.

  134. I was diagnosed at 3 years ago at 41, but a couple of friends were struggling to see where I fit with the usual male symptoms lists, or in the literature describing children. With this list, one friend said it was as you had been studying me! So much of it fits me perfectly.

    If this type of information had been around 35-40 years ago, the assessments that were done on my would have been so much different. Autism was ruled out in favour of elective mutism, followed by adult diagnoses for Avoidant Personality disorder, depression, panic/anxiety disorder & agoraphobia.

    1. Hello Carolyn and thank-you for your message. Many females write to me saying “it was as you had been studying me, so much of it fits me perfectly”. My list, writings and book series are all a natural profession of specializing in this particular area. This sort of thing really cannot be taught. In fact, the hundreds of individuals, of all ages, both genders, sub-types and variety of levels of functioning, has taught me, so I feel that I must give them a voice through my work. I am constantly learning via hearing my client’s and their families stories. You are correct when you talk of the diagnoses people may have received in the past. Unfortunately, today individuals may receive the diagnoses you mentioned in addition to diagnoses of social communication disorder, borderline personality disorder, selective mutism (as you mentioned), bi-polar disorder. I have also seen the opposite in some adults who believe they have a Spectrum condition, and they do, but they also have a co-existing personality disorder, which is a result of undiagnosed Autism and was a way of coping wit it. This combonation is very complex, but seen by specialists such as myself. All the best.

      1. It’s a shame it can’t be taught, lots of professionals need to know about the female presentation of aspergers (or is it just mild autism now?). It’s annoying how much I was put down by my doctors and psychiatrists when I brought this up with them. And that’s probably how it is with a lot of women. It’s just not good enough.

        I’m still a bit startled as to how accurately that list described me. I’ve found a small company down in England that can assess autism in females so I’ve hope of being listened to now. And your amazing list is an excellent help in starting to explain some of the harder things. I’m not good at describing my feelings.

        I also was reading that autistic girls like to tidy and arrange their toys and doll houses. It’s something I did a lot rather than the traditional play of acting out social situations with them. That might be more of a female version of lining things up or building towers.

        Thanks once again for your work and speaking out for autistic women. 🙂

      2. In my family, both bipolar and aspergers (and ADHD too) runs through it. One diagnosis doesn’t rule out another, but having been wrongly diagnosed with BPD (when a monkey could see it was bipolar not BPD) has shown me how easily so called professionals can mix up diagnoses.

  135. Hi Tania
    This may sound like a strange question but what are your thoughts on raising aspies, example in our family I was raised by an aspie and treated like a bad child in fact she would go out of her way to ensure that I behaved in a certain way and then punish me for it. My half siblings ( no they were not cut in half) were treated with absolute love and respect, this left me with a few problems. My grandson as an aspie is totally accepted by us in the family as we are all the same, we only make allowances to a degree as he is still expected to have a certain degree of behaviour. We have noticed at the aspie centre there are parents there that treat their children with kid gloves and their bad behaviour is only looked on as “well he is aspie you know” it seems to stop them from growing and developing into more rounded humans???
    Ivoryt

    1. Hi Sharon,
      Thank-you for your message. This is also a common concern that myself and colleagues have. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of meeting and talking with Temple Grandin and we talked about a few things, one of which was this issue. As professionals, we are concerned about the number of teenagers and adults with Aspergers that are on social services and not working, addicted to video games, and/or excusing their bad behaviors by using ‘Aspergers’ as an excuse. I have observed what you are talking about and I believe that it is imperative that Aspies need life skills, social skills, need to start making computer games and apps instead of playing them for hours and hours, and learn how to manage their emotions in appropriate and healthy ways. Hope this helps. Temple talks often about how her mother “stretched” her and heavily emphasized manners. All the best.

      1. Totally agree. It’s about finding middle ground – explaining to people what is genuine aspie behaviour and unavoidable, versus kids just being monsters because they can. It’s a fine line.

      2. Hi Tania,
        Here I go! “This is also a common concern that I and colleagues have.” Please don’t hate me and banish me from the discussion – I can’t help myself. (Please note the appropriate use of a reflexive pronoun.) On the positive side, this is one of the few web forums (or should that be fora?) which does not have me constantly correcting the English. Most internet discussion is just too distressing to read.
        I used to blame it on my mother’s influence but now I think she and I have Aspergers in common. Best wishes, Susan.

  136. Yes, I think this is me, too. I just turned 35 and I look more like 20-22. Ever since I was in my late teens, people have commented that I look younger than I am, the chasm between my chronological age and the age I appear to be keeps getting wider. At 19, I looked 14. At 26, I looked 17. At 30, I looked 19. And so on. My voice is very high-pitched and girlish. I am tallish, but fine-boned/slight. I have always felt younger/more emotionally immature than my peers. Everyone I went to high school with is married and having children and I have no interest in doing those things. I have been bullied and taken advantage of. Almost everything on this list applies to me. Is there anything about difficulty learning to tie shoes, tell time, use a knife, etc? I struggled with all of those things when I was a child, and it’s still hard for me to do things like ride a bike. On the other hand, I have always been a good dancer. 😉 I don’t know about Irlen syndrome. My eyesight is very poor, but I don’t know if I have that. I could go on. Almost everything on this list is me. I have been “faking” it for a long time. I haven’t been diagnosed, but have taken some tests that indicate I have some Aspie and some neurotypical traits, so I don’t know if I’d qualify for a diagnosis of Asperger’s under the current diagnostic criteria. Thanks for posting!

  137. Wow, I have been diagnosed with bpd ADD , depression an not until reading this that I feel some sense of it all… I tick almost every box an it has helped, more than I can explain

  138. I feel like I’ve been under water and just came up for air. This is me. At age 60. Tired of struggling; tired of being misunderstood; tired of being labeled in so, so many inappropriate ways. I’ve been suspicious for awhile that I might fall into the Asperger’s spectrum, but this is the clearest explanation I’ve been able to find, especially pertaining to adult women. Autism runs in my family – 2 nephews with profound autism and a brother and nephew with Asperger’s. Now what do I do? How does one go about getting a competent diagnosis? It would be such a profound relief to be able to learn how to cope with this.

    1. Jacqueline,

      I am in the same boat. Discovered that I have Aspergers last year at 60. It is a good news, bad news thing. Still working through it all, suppose I will be for some time. You’re not alone.

      Amy

      1. Thank you Amy – thanks for letting me know I’m just not just lost out here in the weeds. This has been such a struggle. To be so ridiculously intelligent (and always admired for that) and incredibly creative, but always , always feeling like a failure; never measuring up to my own expectations. Socially awkward; the life of the party one moment, only to bore the hell out of everyone the next while I pontificate about quantum physics. Needing to be left alone, while feeling lonely at the same time. Etc, etc, etc. But this is a start in the right direction, I think. How to deal with it? I have no idea right now. It’s going to be a process. I’m so glad I’ve found this community.

      2. Jacqueline,

        You took the words right out of my head. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say, ” that’s exactly how I feel”, before, without hyperbole. But what you describe is exactly how I feel.

        For me, 3 things have helped to keep the anxiety at bay; 1) my dogs, 2) an anti-depressant and 3) acceptance of my situation as a good thing, especially after 50+ years of trying so hard to fit in and failing, over and over. I can’t hope for others to be comfortable around me, until I am comfortable with myself.

        I hope that is helpful.

        Amy

    2. Hi Jacqueline, As Amy pointed out, you are definitely not alone. Many adult women are self-diagnosing/looking at a formal diagnosis. I would recommend you search out professionals who have training and experience in this area. All the best.

      1. Can you point me in the right direction? I have no idea how to proceed from here. Do you offer therapy over the phone? I shared this with my husband and we just looked at each other and cried – it just explains so much for both of us. Any advice would be so dearly appreciated.

  139. I am a grandmother with a grandson who was diagnosed as a child with Asperger’s. There are also severaI ADD/ADHD people and an autistic child in my extended family. I have always done better in non-traditional jobs, and am retired military. I happened across your site, and have been reading both main body and the comments and going “OMG! That’s me!” to a lot of it. It’s a relief just knowing that I’m not the only one, and there is a reason for a lot of things I do and the way I do them. I’m bookmarking this site, and I’m going to tell some of my family members about it.

    1. Hello Mary,

      I am pleased that you have found my blog helpful. Many individuals experience a great sense of relief when they self-diagnose and/or get formally diagnosed. A couple of my blogs are going to be turned into books and a book series is on its way. Take care.

  140. Wow, I’m in my early 40s and recently self-diagnosed as having Asperger’s, and my mother after researching the topic thoroughly confirmed it for me from her observations of me as a very young child through adulthood (I’m adopted). This list is very thorough, and I check most of the boxes. It’s really astonishing. Thank you for researching and compiling. It’s helpful to have an understanding that one’s abnormal behaviors are in fact part of a structural framework. I was fortunate to have parents who turned out be exactly right for raising a kid with undiagnosed Aspergers. They helped me prepare for an independent life in the outside world. I’ve had reasonable career success. I’ve struggled all my life with social situations and relationships but have had reasonable success there also – many good friends and a happy late in life relationship/marriage going on its tenth year. While I’m not sad I was never diagnosed as a kid with this, it’s helpful to see for correcting the asocial and antisocial tendencies that are harmful. And I hope it helps other young girls and women. Thank you for posting. I’m sending this to my parents, my husband and other friends.

  141. Reblogged this on Felicity Moore, Psychologist and commented:
    Tania Marshall is a Clinical Psychologist working on the Sunshine Coast and specialising in Autism and Aspergers in girls and women. Her blog has A LOT of helpful information. This article is about the traits that may be present in woman who are Aspergien.

  142. Thank you so much for this information. All my life I was told I am off-the-wall, weird, or else people would look at me weird and shake their heads or actually laugh whenever I spoke. I never fit in, was often bullied or ignored, and got almost straight A’s even though I barely studied. Social situations still leave me exhausted and I don’t experience “fun” like others do. I’ve been dogged by anxiety and depression since I started school. I have a degree in art and still practice it although I am not “successful.” I’ve never been “successful” at anything, except I can paint a good picture! All the academic potential amounted to nothing and as I struggle on a very limited income, I wonder “What happened?” I never could get it together. I’m 67. Incidentally, I sound like I’m in my 20’s. What can I say except a big thank you for making me feel normal – or at least like it’s not my fault.

  143. Hi, I’m currently in a relationship with my partner for almost 2 years now. Some of the things I have seen and experienced. Would love more information as far as living with someone with this syndrome. I’m hoping it will help are relationship and change are way of thinking. Are there books out there for us..
    Thank you

  144. Wow–this is so enlightening! I’m 48 years old and have been trying to figure out who I am my whole life. It was back in college, when I was in my early 20s, that I came to the conclusion that I was “not a real person.” I had no idea what I was, mind you (didn’t read enough science fiction to come up with the “alien” idea, I guess), but I knew that I wasn’t like everyone else–my life, somehow, wasn’t real.

    I’ve had a variety of jobs over the years: church organist (started when I was in high school), radio DJ, news director/announcer at a radio station, feature writer for newspapers, private piano/organ teacher, musician (keyboardist and vocalist) in a party band (with my husband), college-level English teacher (freshman composition), music director at a church. When I was in college, I couldn’t decide on a major–it was a toss-up between music, art, and literature–but I ended up in communications/English, since, as everyone told me, music and art just were not PRACTICAL. So I end up with a musical career anyway (at the moment, that is). Oh, well.

    It was teaching full time at the local community college that finally did me in and led me to the idea that I might be “on the spectrum.” I had to quit my teaching job (about two years ago) because I was incredibly stressed out and both mentally and physically exhausted. Apparently, it is taking me a long time to “heal” from that experience (I taught part-time for quite a while, but was full-time for four years), since I cannot seem to get back on track.

    It was just a few months ago when things in my life sort of came to a head, and something led me to look into Aspergers. When I found this list of female traits, it was (for the most part) like reading a description of ME. It explains so much! And it gives me somewhat of a sense of relief to know that I’m not just a “crazy person” who can’t handle everyday life the way other people do (everyone seems so organized and “with it” compared to me!).

    My question is, what do I do now? I have not shared this with anyone but my husband (and it took me a long time to even share it with him), since I’m afraid no one will believe me. I suppose a professional diagnosis would be a good idea, but how do I find someone who is aware of these female traits? And, honestly, I think I’m a little bit afraid of being determined NOT to be Aspergers. It gave me such a sense of relief to think that I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been so different from other people all my life that I don’t want someone to tell me that it’s not true! But on the other hand, a professional diagnosis, I think, would give me the validation I need. What to do, what to do . . .

    1. I’m feeling a lot of the things you are right now. I also suspected for awhile that my unexplainable and apparently untreatable traits (therapy, drugs, etc all had no positive outcomes) might be Asperger’s. When I found this site, it was overwhelming, frightening, and cleansing. It completely explained me to myself. It has changed the way I relate to what’s going on inside me. Not that it has changed the feelings and challenges, but it’s given me something to understand. I am not crazy. I am not hopeless. I have challenges. And I can learn how to cope with them. But it’s not easy.

      I am fortunate in that my long suffering husband (who isn’t exactly perfect himself 😉 has gotten completely onboard this with me, and right now we are trying to deal with with how this affects me, most importantly (because there is a LOT of pain that goes along with being a female Aspien after 60 years) and how it has affected our relationship of 36 years. When I get into sensory overload, which sometimes doesn’t take much, I can be a nightmare. Otherwise, I am a sensitive, loving, giving (sometimes overly giving) person. But knowing what we know now has changed so much. I can “see” myself now. I can tell him when I’m feeling overwhelmed and he can make allowances for it and help me calm down or just give me the space to do that, since it’s really something I need to learn to do myself. And now I have the confidence that I CAN do that, given the time and space I need.

      I am learning every day how to “be me.”

      If it were just me and my husband who were affected by this, that would be one thing. But I’m afraid it’s not. On the easy side, I am a celiac – and my son and grandson are gluten sensitive, if not celiac as well.

      On the tougher side, my beautiful, extremely intelligent 3-year-old grandson is exhibiting signs of sensory overload at times, going from loving, calm, expressive to wacking and banging other kids in a moment. My brother and his son both have been diagnosed with Aspbergers, but nobody in the family is willing to believe it. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that my Dad was an an Aspien. I have 2 other nephews (both 25) who are on the PDD side of the spectrum and are severely disabled to the point of being unable to communicate effectively.

      So one one level, I’m relieved for myself to find that maybe I can finally understand myself and actually work toward coping strategies that will help me have a happier, more fulfilling life, and at the same time I am terrified.

      Part of me wants to pursue a professional diagnosis, although I already know what it will be. But at least I will have an official piece of paper to attest to that truth.

      And then what?

      Do I share this with my son and daughter-in-law? Do I plant seeds of doubt in them about their son? What if he’s just being a normal 3-year-old rambunctious boy? Do I want him to be labeled? But if he takes after me, do I want to deny him the help he needs?

      And how will they feel about me? How do you explain this to people? There is a very real stigma attached to this. Will I ever be taken seriously again by anyone? Will my son blame me for this? He has had his own struggles and has been diagnosed with ADHD and takes medication for it. But what if it’s not ADHD? What if he’s like me? I can see so many of my traits in him. Right now I honestly don’t know what to do. So you’re not alone in your confusion. This is Pandora’s box. Personally, I’m going to take some more time to think about it. Maybe try to find some resources. I am a health care professional with a somewhat high profile and have to be very careful about exposure. But this forum feels like a sanctuary for me. I probably asked more questions than I answered, but thanks for listening.

      1. Those are a lot of good questions, though! It really IS a Pandora’s box, isn’t it? On one hand, it is a relief to think we’ve finally found an answer to why we are the way we are, but on the other hand, what do we do with that knowledge? If we tell people, how will it change their views of us? And what if they don’t believe it? Would it help to have that piece of paper that says it’s real? Or won’t they believe even that? What if they think we’re just attention-seekers, or that we’re coming up with excuses for things we’ve done? I, too, will be doing some more research and thinking about it for a while, I think.

        I am happy that your husband is being so good about it! My husband, too, has been “long-suffering,” having put up with me for over 23 years now! I’m not sure he’s quite on board with me, yet, though. This is still a pretty new thing in my life, and I’m not very good at presenting my case and explaining things like this, which is another reason I feel like I need to do more research. My husband is very practical, very skeptical, and often quite argumentative, so I really need to get my facts straight before I can discuss things like this with him. He certainly knows that I’m different, though! (He says I live in “Chrissy-Land,” a sort of alternative universe where time–and reality in general–are quite different than what one might find in the “real” world–i.e., HIS world.) Hopefully, we’ll be able to get to the point where you and your husband are someday soon. You are lucky!

    2. Chris…when I saw your post I was in shock because I could have written this myself. I am stuck in the same boat. I am close 45 almost 46 and just like you I have finally made sense of myself but have not shared it with anyone even my husband of almost 9 yrs now and am also afraid of being wrong. Which is something I have dealt with all my life.

      1. It was a scary thing, trying to decide whether or not to tell my husband. He is a very skeptical person, and can get quite argumentative. However, I mustered up the courage and finally did it, because I thought it would help him understand why I was–in his eyes–so strange, and why we were often at odds with each other about things. I have not gone into it with him much more than just that initial announcement, though. I need to do more research and really understand what I’m talking about before I do that (see my response to the comment above). I hope to be able to talk about this with him a lot more in the future. I hope you, too, can muster up that courage at some point–though it was scary, it also felt good to finally tell someone! Good luck!

      2. I finally got the courage to start talking about it to my husband. While I have not said directly to him that I think I have Aspergers , I have started the dialogue.

      3. I’m in a relationship. With asperger,and so some days its hard to handle. Any suggestions on how to not take it. To heart.

      4. Just do it. It may not be pleasant but will clear the air. Your husband may have long-buried resentments about things you have done or said that made him think you didn’t care about his feelings.

  145. One thing I want to add about being an aspie is people constantly projecting. For instance i was in a yoga class and the teacher was noticing i was having difficulties and she was like, “This isn’t a competition.” as she was looking at me and i was like…What? I’m just trying to figure out how it feels and if it feels right, ie:perfectionism. Funny thing is i know when people are projecting and its hard to tell them otherwise. I guess you’d have to be an aspie to understand. Anyway, this article is pretty much my life to the tee. The greatest feeling is to know there is nothing wrong you can/should do because you can’t cure aspergers.

    1. Reminds me of a yoga class I went to where the teacher asked people for a word which had come to mind during the final meditation. People came up with things like bliss, peace, rainbow etc. My turn came and I said, being quite honest; “tea” – Puzzled, the teacher asked me to explain. I said I was looking forward to getting home and having a cup of tea. There was a distinct shock, horror reaction. I subsequently did yoga for a few years with the Hare Krishnas where I never felt judged for admitting the only thing that kept me going through the hour and a half yoga class was looking forward to the lovely sit down meal afterwards.

  146. I looked up Aspergers syndrome because I was asked to consider signing a petition to help a teenager with Aspergers who was being prevented from taking part in a school trip. I have copied the http address.
    https://www.change.org/en-AU/petitions/brighton-secondary-college-stop-discriminating-against-students-with-aspergers-allow-isabelle-to-attend-the-world-challenge-in-africa?alert_id=gkHoJAZcoZ_iBUKnltQbR&utm_campaign=39139&utm_medium=email&utm_source=action_alert

    I wanted to check out what Aspergers is before signing the petition. I did the Aspergers quizz and scored 36 so this is clearly something which I may have myself to some degree though I have never been diagnosed. I am 66. It explains why making friends and sustaining relationships has always been a challenge, why I am mainly alone – trying to cope alone, why I was bullied as a child, why I felt I was the black sheep in the family, why I felt unappreciated at work, why I find the business of navigating life’s hurdles somewhat overwhelming, why I shy away from committees and meetings, why I have been taken advantage of, why I have been to numerous counselling sessions and feel a failure because no improvement seems evident. I have coined the expression “event cluster” to decribe periods when I perceive there are too many things to deal with and I succumb to anxiety, procrastination and inertia. I have difficulty asking for help or even insisting on a satisfactory outcome when I do pay for some necessary service. Hence: my new gutters leak, my expensive hearing aids don’t fit comfortably etc. because I am afraid to persist with my complaints. I am afraid of appearing pathetic, or conversely, arrogant or, in the face of extreme frustration – “flying off the handle” – basically afraid of being disliked

    I hope this young woman can go on her trip and that her peers and teachers can give her the unconditional support she needs to feel safe and accepted and enjoy the experience. I know what it is like to be held at arm’s length when you have done nothing actually wrong except give off the wrong social signals. At least I was not prevented from doing things in my youth: I just felt uncomfortable and was probably thought shy and ungregarious but I always hoped that I would grow out of it. It may be useful to have an insight into the reasons behind one’s social difficulties but labels can also serve to increase alienation when the world sees you as having a disorder rather than a variant of personality.

  147. Finding this blog has been a revelation and a relief as I have always suspected I had something more than extreme introversion and generalised anxiety and depression.
    I am nodding my head at many things people have said here, they resonate with my own life.
    Life has been a struggle but getting easier with acceptance that this is the way things are and take the positives from it. I love reading and learning. I have a huge apetite for information.
    I have found having children very difficult for me. I have two very energetic and noisy boys but I am relieved that neither show aspie traits as I know what a struggle it can be.Having children has also forced me to meet new people and sharpen my social skills such that they are. I am now almost semi confident with small talk and I am not obsessing that I am coming across too weird. Not easy and certainly not intuitive – completely self taught from observing how confident individuals conduct themselves. However, I certainy don’t put myself out there for fear of ridicule. I suppose I come across as extremely introverted and I am quite happy for people to believe this.
    Lonliness and isolation have plagued my life . There have been a few times in my life (high school and university) where I have made some friends and luckily for me some are still in my life but I am sure they marvel at how odd I am but seem to accept it. I have to remind myself to contact them though and organise catch ups otherwise I would be quite happy plod along in my own little world.
    Luckily I have a supportive partner who does not need a reason for the way I am, I’m not even sure if I will share this with him.
    One of the “upsides” of this is my incredible intuition which almost borders on psychic. This is something I never mention to anyone for obvious reasons. Tania, are you able to shed any light on this from your work? How is this explained?
    Also, I may in the future wish to have an official diagnosis, do you know of anyone in the Victoria area who specialises in female aspergers?
    Thanks for you work. Rachel

    1. Rachel, which Victoria area? Victoria, Australia, Canada or? I am in Victoria, BC Canada. Your description of yourself so mirrored my own questions. I am waiting for my appointment with a Psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to explore getting an official Aspie diagnosis (although apparently, as of 5 weeks ago Asbergers has been delisted in the DSM.

      Anyway, my main other reason for making contact is with regard to the intuition bit. I think in part I find that I have to really understand things, so I do spend an incredible amount of energy deconstructing something and then reconstructing it so that it makes sense to me. At 45 I now recognize that that has given me incredible clarity into situations because I can “test” certain situations and behaviours and feel how they resonate: does what I am experiencing feel true?; what else should I be factoring in? when something does not ring true, I find it next to impossible to go along with it, even if that’s what the “authorities” are advocating etc. Although since I was little I remember others confiding in me and trusting me, – and even then I could empathize and help them make sense of the world – which speaks to the strong presence of intuition.

      As an adult, I have recently started to wonder about the concept of “prophet”. I never seek to draw attention to myself. I am not interested in creating a platform for myself – so if anyone had ever suggested the possibility of filling the role of prophet, I probably would have balked. But now that my own trepidation has settled I have been wondering about my role in society. My own self-confidence has been growing. I had a rotten time in school and because I could never figure out why I was so different from others (although I have always done a pretty good job at disguising that, to the point that most people that know me wonder what I mean if I ever bring it up), it is only now that I have started to believe in myself as having something valuable and significant to offer. I can see the big picture and things that others around me can’t see. What is crystal clear to me, is murky at best to others – it is like that consistently. I am not a great communicator, but working with the right people, I help them to understand where we need to be going, how to get to the next step. I know how much I am valued because I feel deeply trusted. I take that trust seriously. Its an exciting place to be in.

      This could become an essay, so I will stop there. Thank you for your sharing.
      Clare

      1. Hi Clare
        I am in Victoria Australia.
        Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences on intuition.
        I guess I have always thought my intuition was a result of heavily analysing situations which perhaps other “normal” people don’t waste time doing.
        But the psychic aspect really freaks me out – having very specific psychic dreams which have later played out. Or having a “feeling” that something was about to happen and then it did. Like having a dream about a friend’s husband dying then next time I saw her she told me he was very ill. Just one example.
        I don’t know – maybe most other people have similar random experiences and don’t talk about them.

    2. Hi Racheal
      I have recently been diagnosed as an aspie, or officially as per new DSM autistic level 1.
      I am of similar age and experience to you, and want to share my experience of diagnosis with you and whoever else might be interested.
      Finding the right practitioner is essential, this fact is mentioned here and on other sites, but I always wondered why and because I live in regional Victoria, (Australia)and its problematic for me to travel the extra distance (to Melbourne) i did my research and spoke to Autism Victoria and also Tony Attwoods clinic in Queensland in order to find a suitable psychologist who was local to me.
      This was a mistake.
      The first woman I saw was very nice but not suitable or helpful in diagnosing an adult woman although she would probably be good with young boys.
      After the first mishap I was careful to ensure the next psych had the necessary experience with female diagnosis. If she had, and I doubt it, it would have been in diagnosing young girls with severe traits. What I was most upset about was her guided and suggestive questioning toward a ‘poor upbringing’ causation and if that wasnt bad enough she refused to take account of my sensory problems by saying they were normal.
      So in the end I had to travel the extra distance, despite the sensory problems, but it was so very worth it. If you are in Australia I can recommend Danuta belhuk Paterson, who was brilliant all round. Interestingly she was able to find repetitive behaviours, which I wasn’t even aware of! She also explained how I was able to do so well in the facial expressions test, which was interesting because I wondered how this could be, but the test is really about how long it took! And yes it took me ages
      So I found Danuta’s experience really valuable, especially after the other 2 ‘professionals’ and can confirm that finding the right practitioner is absolutely essential
      Good Luck 🙂

      1. Thanks very much Laynie for sharing your experiences. I will follow your advice.
        Rachel

  148. Two things; Let me add ‘hypersexuality” to your list of potential aspie traits. as a teen and young adult I was rarely comfortable with emotional intimacy, but physical sexual contact fascinates me (still does) and I got huge amounts of satisfaction from it, especially from watching my partners’ s responses to sexual stimili.
    And I take exception to your assumption that Aspie trans men identify themselves that way because they are uncomfortable with female social roles. I know aspie women who utterly identify as female. I never ever did– it wasn’t the roles, either. As a trans man, I am considered femmy.

    1. let me add too, that I am old enough that I never heard of asperger’s as a child– I thought that my difficulties were a moral failing, and that my physical clumsiness was me being lazy. Knowing that there is no *fault* has made a difference that I cannot express. being able to say “I need time alone to regroup” and not feel like an antisocial slob? Priceless gift.

      1. Stella, thank-you for your valuable comments. I am often asked what the advantages of diagnosis, in particular, late diagnosis are. Knowing that it is not one’s fault, is number one for me. It is absolutely priceless, as you state.

    2. Stella, thank-you for your comments. You make a valuable point and I have updated the list. I purposefully use the word “may” or “may not” due to the Spectrum being so wide and the amount of variability of characteristics or personality traits. In terms of transgender, I have met individuals who, like you, have never identified as female and I have met individuals have much gender/sexuality confusion throughout their lives. I am also aware of individuals who had undergone gender reassignment and then proceeded to have a gender reversal, back to female. This is such an interesting area and I wish there was more research and information available.

    1. I hope so, too, but I fear it may be a long time coming. When I first realized I was Aspien, I felt relieved and hopeful. Finally, my life made sense. In the ensuing month, however, I have felt more and more isolated as I came to realize that this is something I can never share outside of a very restricted circle of trusted confidantes (my husband, my closest friend, and my sister.) There are enormous stigmata associated with a diagnosis of AS, at least in the US. Last year there was horrific attack on children at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut and the thing everyone remembers is that the assailant supposedly had AS. Before that, people with AS were seen as odd but somehow acceptable. Since then, they are seen as possibly dangerous. It’s a lot to assimilate on top of trying to wrap my head around my own reality and trying to develop coping skills. Your wife is fortunate to have your support and understanding.

      1. Hi Jacqueline, I am not diagnosed with AS and have no intention of pursuing a diagnosis as at my stage in life it would not be helpful, but I do feel for you and others who have a similar experience to me of not fitting in. When to all intents and purposes one appears to be of above average intelligence, generally kind and considerate of others and fulfills one’s societal obligations to the best of one’s abilities, it is bewildering to encounter rejection on rejection from so many sources including subtle forms of rejection in one’s everyday encounters. It is as though I am unwittingly wearing a “kick me” label. My earliest memory of this realisation of being apart was when at age 5, on my first day at school, I was happily running around in the playground one minute and the next found myself all alone. In tears of distress and totally unaware of what had happened, I was retrieved by a kind “dinner lady” who explained about “playtime” and going back to the classroom when the bell was rung. I had not even noticed the other children go back into the building – in my perception they had simply vanished. From that point on interacting with my peers was an on-going, self-taught and painful learning process which even at my advanced age I have never fully mastered despite numerous periods of counselling – why does counselling always have to be in an office. I need someone to accompany me “in the field” to see where and how I struggle. On a good day I manage to act normally with a fair degree of aplomb but if something upsets me, the facade is inclined to crumble and the “ugly truth” of my flawed being is revealed for all to see. I am grateful to the few friends who do show me acceptance though I am always afraid to test the extent of its unconditionality so I avoid them on bad days. it would be life changing to have the daily support of an understanding partner but I recognise that this is an unlikely eventuality.

      2. Thank you. Thank you for writing back to me. I have so many things I want to say and share about those painful early childhood experiences when I was exhilarated by being in the world only to find I was not in the same world as others and feeling shamed. And my world was so beautiful, so exciting and I wanted so much to share it, only to find that nobody else wanted to share it with me. You know I could go on for hours (and I will as time goes on) but for now let’s just realize this one simple thing. We. Have. Each. Other. This is a beginning. I am so grateful for finding this community and I cannot thank Tania enough for creating this forum and for her commitment to women with AS. I am a poet and a writer and I’ve been flailing around trying to understand the voice that is trying to express itself. Now I am beginning to understand. As much as I feel somewhat disoriented with this new perspective (but when have I never felt disoriented?) I am also becoming a bit excited, through my conversations with people like you, that I can come to appreciate this gift. That we all can. Maybe I don’t need to fit in with “all of that.” Maybe I can rejoice in my intellect, my art, and those who can actually “get me.” I don’t pretend that it will ever be easy, but perhaps I can learn to love myself again – just the way I am.

      3. Jacqueline, I loved your Nov 20 post about putting on a work persona. I did it also as a Lab Technician and phlebotomist in an Urgent Care facility (lab unfortunately now closed) It was my little world, one that I understood and loved and therefore felt very confident in. The nurses and clerks often stated that they preferred having me on their shift as opposed to the other lab people available because I was fast, thorough, funny and polite, and though they joked with me about being “crazy”, I think any of them would be shocked to find I had ASD. And you’re right; telling people this causes the same inner recoil in them as confessing homosexuality or a socially awkward condition like colitis or hemorrhoids. I’ve only told my immediate family and the boss at another job, since my tendencies have caused some difficulty with certain office duties. I felt she was entitled to know.

    2. I commend you Matthew. Your wife is lucky. My husband does not understand me all that well and I am afraid to tell him. Your wife is truly blessed.

    1. Susan, I have been diagnosed at the grand age of 55 and it has done me the world of good. I have always had a sense of who I was ( even with the abuse ) and was well aware that this Round person “me”did not fit into their square holes. I have had a strange sense of my own self worth ( again even when suicidal in my mid teens – did not want to die, just didn’t want to live). I have always looked on us as being the next step in our evolution and in no way flawed, how would the norm live in our world, because with the growing number of us that is what THEY will have to do. Will they be called strange and odd, made to feel less than they are, please think of it as there is nothing wrong with us – just the world we live in. We are the colours of this black and white world and will make it a wonderful place.
      ivoryt

      1. Hi Ivoryt and Jacqueline, I appreciate you taking the trouble to reply to me . I think I will follow my own intuition with regard to not seeking a diagnosis. I have had enough trouble over the last 30 years with the label of “personality disorder” (depression and anxiety.) There probably is no-one here where I live that specialises in AS. My last psychologist was focussing on Schema Therapy. I don’t really feel that it helped much to try to trace my personality shortcomings to events from my childhood which was not particularly out of the ordinary for the era and socio-economic circumstances. Most of the time I was happy but with hindsight I probably did exhibit some behaviours which were atypical; I did get very emotional a lot of the time and reportedly cried an awful lot as a baby and toddler. Until I met other people’s children in later life I thought this was normal. My mother, bless her, probably struggled with the same tendencies herself but did her best to help; “engineering” me a “best friend” after I failed to pal up when I started school or moved to a new primary school, taking insensitive teachers to task for unnecessary humiliation, discreetly removing me from situations where I was bullied. We had friends with a severely autistic daughter and of course there was no comparison between my behaviour and academic ability and hers so my parents could hardly be blamed for thinking I was just a difficult child at home and overly self-conscious when mixing with others. As a teenager I was constantly exhorted to “look at people and smile when they speak to you.” I still struggle with this social skill. It would be nice to be one of those people who have a special skill at least. Before I experienced the stress of secondary and tertiary education and having to support myself in the world, I did have creative pursuits; writing, poetry, drawing, painting and music. All that is left now is that I sing in a couple of choirs. It gets me out of the house and forces me to be social for a few hours and I do love to sing.

  149. It’s like I just read about myself (minus about 5 things). Wow. Thank you for this and calling attention to this issue. <3

  150. Thank you for this article. I am a 36 year old professional in the federal government. My little boy was just diagnosed as was I. I am struggling at work with a manager. I need some advise and guidance from other professional women. Please email me if there’s anyone available who is in my situation christine.ann.bronsema @ gmail.com

    1. Hi Christine, I know little of your situation so this is retrospective advice to myself – I am now retired. Some of it may fit.

      No 1. Accept that you will probably never get the recognition you feel you deserve and that promotion will always be a struggle. This is because you don’t fit the mould not because you are not capable. Be grateful to have a well paying job even if it is not quite as good as you feel you deserve – many have no job.
      No 2. Do not discuss anything negative about your boss or colleagues either in the workplace or with anyone connected with your workplace – offload only to those in your private life who you are certain are not going to pass on your remarks. if you can see your boss’s shortcomings, do not let him/her know that you see them or discuss them with others at work. This means not showing it in subtle ways too like smirking at their meaningless “corporate” gobbledegook . Psychologists would call the latter passive aggression – a rather harsh way to describe being intolerant of other people’s narrow world view but it is a form of arrogance and best avoided.
      No 3. As far as you are able and without compromising your own ethical values, do what they want you to do, the way they want you to do it in the time they allow to do it. I know you want to do it perfectly your own way but they don’t want that – it doesn’t help their statistics or their big picture. (If you need to express yourself get a creative hobby.) If you have problems with achieving this, ask their advice and listen to it. Don’t “yes, but” them: thank them sincerely for their advice whether it was helpful or not.
      No 4. Never show them they are getting to you. They may threaten you with monitoring, counselling etc. Remember this is the Public Service’s, sanctioned form of bullying the misfit, disguised as employee assistance. Go along with it in apparent seriousness – laugh inwardly only if it all seems like a farce but don’t act humiliated either – they feed off this. Just be matter of fact about it as though it’s an everyday game. If they see it is not getting to you they will eventually tire of the exercise and it will most likely peter out. If things get heavy and you are in a union, engage their help – they don’t have much clout these days but may make management more wary of going too far.
      No 5. Your colleagues and bosses may not be like you, many of them may not like you, but some of them at least will be decent human beings with their own problems and anxieties. Learn to be a bit humble and take some interest in them and offer them support where you can without getting embroiled in office politics.
      No 6. To summarise – if you are the square peg amongst a bunch of round pegs who mostly fit neatly in their round holes, they are not going to change to accommodate you, so you have to try to act like a round peg to some extent or get whittled down to a splinter.

      1. I think this is excellent advice.The workplace can be so stressful, with so many situations and personalities constantly bombarding us, especially when it requires a quick response to change. I own a business (an animal hospital) with my husband. We have no employees by choice, because that eliminates our (my) having to deal with others’ shifting moods and manipulations. I must, however, meet with clients frequently during the day, and sometimes the pace can be quite hectic. I have no choice but to deal with their many emotions. I also need to present a cheerful, compassionate face. Since I am an empath, I “feel” them deeply and have to maintain a calm interior self – not always an easy task! Over time, I’ve developed a “professional persona.” It’s still me, but almost a caricature of me. I know my rules and boundaries, what topics of conversation are safe and which are not, how to politely duck out into another room for a moment if I need to collect myself, how to monitor my voice, etc. I even have a little “transition” strategy to take me from the quiet of caring for patients in the treatment areas to greeting clients in the public area. I’ll smile to myself and say “It’s Showtime!” and my professional persona clicks in. The funny thing is that I am very well-liked, people always greet me with big smiles and ask how I am and I am considered socially adept – go figure! It’s taken years for me to put this together; without realizing I was Aspien, I somehow found my own coping strategy for dealing with my profession successfully. Now if I could figure out how to deal with social situations without coming away completely exhausted!

  151. Is it ok to print this and fill in examples relating to myself to take to my Dr? I am just figuring out in the past few days that I think this is what I have suffered with for years. I have a friend who is a social worker and after reading various posts, comments and replies to people on facebook, she messaged me that she though I should read more into Aspergers. She also has a step-son with it. In reading, I am amazed because finally, it describes so much about me. I scored a 42 on Simon Baron-Cohens’ AQ Test, (The) Aspergers quiz said a 76.2% chance, and my Aspie Quiz score is: Aspie score:182 of 200, Neurotypical Score 21 of 200, and it says I am very likely an Aspie. I am making an appointment with my doctor but am trying to get together some things to take because I know when I get there, I won’t know what to say to him. So is printing it ok? I don’t want to infringe on and copyrights.
    Thank you

    1. Hi Sherri, please feel free to print this and fill in examples relating to yourself to take to your doctor. I hope it helps you in the diagnostic process. I wish you all the best. Thank-you

  152. wow that is totally me… my daughter is a confirmed aspie n my son is getting assessed for autism :/ maybe i really do have aspergers and i pass it on to my kids…there was only about 5 things on that list that didn’t fit me.

  153. Hello, Tania,
    Thank you for your informative guide. I got diagnosed last summer – kind of a 50th birthday present. Since childhood, ADHD was the call, but did not adequately explain all of the symptoms. A call-out to those my age and up: it is NEVER too late to find out! Knowledge is the best tool in dealing with any problem.

    1. Kathy Wong, thank-you for your message. I have met many individuals who had a prior diagnosis of ADHD. Knowledge and education is paramount and congratulations, you have Aspergers:-)

  154. At nearly 53 years of age I have finally been diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome. After a lifetime of just about everything you describe, it has been a relief to find out that I am not alone. However, since being diagnosed, I have looked back on my life and can’t help but wonder how my life might have turned out had I been diagnosed decades ago. Had I known, I could have avoided jobs and life situations that actively aggravated my situation. Over the years I have spiralled further and deeper into despair and bitterness – to the point where I had recently resigned from yet another job and found I no longer possessed the inner strength to put myself “out there” again or retrain again for a different career because I knew it would only end the same way AGAIN. I feel like my life has been squandered – which is another slap in the face as I typically have a genius IQ and I wonder what achievements could have been realised had I known I had AS and found a career that capitalised upon my skills.

    1. But, Mandy, you know now. And you’re only 53. All of us carry pain from living our lives not knowing why things just didn’t “work out”, why we were treated poorly or differently, etc. Like you, I look back at my life, at so many “mistakes” I thought I made, so many “opportunities lost”, at so many people who treated me badly. But now I understand why that all happened. And I feel liberated. Now I get to choose how to live the rest of my life. I don’t need to conform to anyone else’s expectations. I am 61 and feel like I am starting all over and this time I am in control. I know what and who I am and I can decide where to go from here. I am no longer a victim; I am a victor. The past is irrelevant. It only matters if you allow it to matter. Your life has not been squandered. It has led you to understanding who you are today. You have a genius IQ – embrace that gift and move forward with it. Find your passion and follow it. Give up on regrets; they’ll only pull you down. Believe in yourself. Nothing else matters.

  155. I actually found reading this list a quite unnerving. So much of it fits!

    It seems obvious now that it affects a lot more than just my social relations, as my neurologist assumed. Thank you for this long and comprehensive guide.

  156. Hi Mandy and Jacqueline and all you other Aspie women, How I wish you lived in my city so we could share our experiences over a bottle of wine, but you are probably on the otherside of the world. I am not diagnosed and I have done my dough on counselllors and psychologists and none of these has ever suggested I might be Aspergic except for one GP I saw years ago who suggested the reason I thought all men were difficult to get along with was probably because I always picked men who were on the autism spectrum because I was probably “a bit that way” myself. I didn’t fully understand the implications at the time and had no internet then. So now I think I’ll just assume that I am on the spectrum to some extent and that that explains a lot of the difficulties I have had throughout my life with work, family and life in general. It also helps me to understand my ex-partners and why our relationships were probably always doomed to fail as these partners were probably higher on the spectrum than me, and to realise at last that I am not a defective person – just different. I wouldn’t describe myself as a genius though I did always come top of my class at school but then it wasn’t the most prestigious of schools – most of my classmates have probably had more successful careers and lives – I have no idea of my IQ but it always seemed that once I left school, where my teachers had great expectations for me, that I lost my way without the tight structure and support (albeit not ideal for me) of school and family. I did not make the most of my higher education as I was too busy helping my (presumably, with benefit of hindsight) Aspergic boyfriend. Overwhelmed by woefully unstructured courses and a perception that I was not liked by my lecturers I began to exhibit avoidance behaviour. I had some troubles fitting in with some flatmates and just generally surviving away from home. At the eleventh hour I made a superhuman effort and received an undeserved upper II diploma. (My boyfriend had received 1st class honours the year before) Focussing on someone else’s welfare and achievement has always helped to give meaning and direction to my life and I am pretty lost now I am single and no-longer have that. Why can’t I motivate and encourage myself I wonder? Best wishes.

  157. Hi Tania,this is a wonderful thing you have done. I have an aspie daughter diagnosed along with ADHD attributes in 1999 at the age of 6. I have 3 other children and it has always been difficult remembering to communicate with her in a different way than the others. She is now 21 and my life is still filled with misunderstandings, walls and withdrawl’s. She now has OCD elements that we often laugh together about, but I am the centre of her bubble and parenting has become more complicated with the addition of chronic pain, diabetes, alcohol, boyfriends, cars, employment or lack thereof. She has survived 2 violent relationships and I am constantly torn between wanting to wrap her up and hold her close and trying to teach her to be independant of me, this is after all, what parenting is supposed to be about, preparing them for life outside the safety of home. Your article and the responses have helped me refocus. Our society is still not ready for her, nor her them.
    I also want to add, that my mother recently read a book on adult aspergers and proclaimed with some wonder, that after all these years of knowing there was something different (she used the word ‘wrong’) that she believed she had Aspergers. She is 86 years old and a weight was lifted from her shoulders with this revelation. I have a nephew who is an Aspie and also a diabetic, but his challenges are vastly different from my daughters.

  158. I looked for an email address for you, but did not find.

    I feel compelled to write about a woman I have known for two years. I have been struggling with a relationship with her and I think I finally may have an understanding of why. I think she may be an Aspie. In reading your blog I think that she seems to fit many of the characteristics. I will detail some of the history and background. BTW, I was a Psychology major and have an interest in it and as I was struggling yesterday with the relationship, something told me to look up Aspergers.

    First I must say that I met her at work. She is an Engineer by profession, a mother of two young girls, is married (not to me and I know this can be a problem for some but I lay it out) and is an only child. Her father was 60 and her mother was about 45 when she was born to them. She is now 34 years young.

    I was taken with her when I first met her and one day I had to talk to her about work related things and she was sitting in her cubicle crying and looked as if she had not slept for a while. It turns out her father (95 years old) had fallen and was injured and in the hospital. She was very upset. Keep in mind that she is the only child so the caregiving for her parents falls to her by default. I am empathetic and also being attracted to her we talked. It turned out she also had marriage issues. Surprise surprise. A woman with Aspergers could have that issue.

    I know her quite well by now. We had a quick intimate fling in the beginning but the relationship has held. We are very close friends and her husband knows about this and I suppose there is some kind of working arrangement. We mostly chat and go to lunch now and then at this point. I have for some reason committed myself to her. This is not that smart, and a therapist told me to get out of this for several reasons. I figure I am a big boy so I am dealing.

    Which brings me to your site; and it seems a revelation that I looked up the characteristics of Aspergers. I did send her a link yesterday and tried to be very tactful about it. She seems to have taken it OK. Frankly, if she does have some of the traits, then it helps me in understanding this relationship.

    1. David, You make this lady sound more like a case than a woman whose happiness you care about. The only information you give about her which might indicate her being Aspergic is her profession – anyone would be upset at the prospect of losing their father, even if at 95 he has had “a good innings”: at 34 you are not emotionally prepared for this. Perhaps her husband is not a very empathic or demonstrative type and you provided a shoulder to cry on when it was needed. She probably now feels guilt about the affair and may be torn between her loyalty to him and her girls and the need for the kind of understanding and support which you may have been able to provide when she was at a low ebb. Have you asked her how she is feeling about the situation? Perhaps I am old fashioned, but carrying on an affair with the belief that it is OK because her husband knows about it and is behaving in a civilised manner about it, is a recipe for unhappiness for all concerned. Either she wants a divorce to be with you or she needs to end the affair and reconcile with her husband or if her marriage really is untenable to separate amicably from him, be on her own for a while and share parenting. Reading between the lines, you seem to me to be a somewhat self-absorbed person and I suspect you should take your therapist’s advice – your ladyfriend will probably be relieved in the long term as she is probably suffering emotionally and doesn’t know how to extricate herself from the situation which has developed. She and her husband may need some counselling to get through this. I am not a professional in this area – this is just my personal thoughts on the matter.

  159. Thanks for the positive comments. While I can fully relate to this diagnosis being a “glass-half-full” situation that finally illuminates a light at the end of the tunnel – I hope others can also appreciate that I am not Pollyanna.
    The blinkers are off and I am now fully aware that approx 48 years of my memory/interpretation of my life experiences (the first five years are a blank) ARE CERTAINLY NOT a realistic interpretation of what has actually happened.
    I need to temporarily wallow in the “what-if’ scenarios that are playing in my mind at the moment and face the fact that I have probably been the butt of jokes or the epitome of gullibility by my work mates and acquaintances for most of my life. This is the reality of finally discovering that nearly EACH AND EVERY ONE of my life experiences has been mis-interpreted through “Asperger goggles”.
    There is no limit to what I have unknowingly accepted as “normal” behaviour when actually I have been “played”, indulged, or had the mickey taken at my expense.
    Having said that, I DO realise that I can now move forward by avoiding situations that lead to this behaviour.
    BUT, at the moment that doesn’t relieve my immediate pain as I reflect on a life of banging my head against a brick wall; continually training or gaining new qualifications for new careers as previous careers have ended in angst; having short-lived personal relationships because I misinterpreted what was going on; and being one step away from suicide in recent months as I could see no point in retraining – yet again – for a job/career that would end up the same way.
    Surely I can’t be alone in being despondent about having my life finally being CONFIRMED as a work of fiction?
    I guess what I am looking for is the kind of unconditional support here that I haven’t found in any life situation. I can’t count the number of times I was told to pick myself up and get over what had happened in life. And with that non-understanding attitude – from people I really counted on – meant that not even my closest friends and family members understood what I had gone through, confirming that I must be weird and was being overly ‘precious’.
    This is a HUGE revelation for me. I find it hard to believe that everyone else on this site has easily transitioned from a lifetime of there being “double the glass required” to gracefully accepting that the “glass is half full”.

    1. I can relate to a lot of what you say Mandy. I haven’t taken on this diagnosis in a big way, although it fits. And I don’t feel my life is a work of fiction. But it does make sense of a lot of things throughout my life – particularly re relationships and also career – and it is hard to realise that now, at age 58, I may not ever have either of those things, having struggled so long and so hard for both.
      I suppose I feel not so much the butt of jokes etc, but that people have always seen me as “intense”, “sensitive” (read “over-sensitive”) and difficult. And that started at a very young age – those descriptors have always been used for me – so I’m used to that!
      It feels to me that discovering I am probably Aspie doesn’t make a whole lot of difference to anything.
      But, I do understand your pain and shock. I am probably buffered to some extent because of having been involved in therapy a lot of my life – on both sides. I totally agree that when we are dealt such blows, grieving is a very natural response … and you can’t just cover it up with a whole lot of positive affirmations and expect that it’ll go away!
      I hope you can take the time to grieve and maybe even find someone close to you to share your experience with. I can hear your pain. Sending understanding waves! Take care of you!

    2. You are not alone. Rest assured many of us who can look down the list and honestly acknowledge who we are now can take solace knowing that a lot of our behaviors are due to our hardwiring. From this I have learned to recognize when I go into “Aspie” mode, so that I recognize it and can adapt my more instinctive behaviors to more socially appropriate ones. It is a struggle, daily even, but I would never take life for granted. You were designed this way for a reason and just hearing how some of your issues mirror my own should give you some consolation that you are not only okay, but are unique and special, and your insights are a gift to the world. I have my good days and my not so good days, relish the good ones and with the bad ones, know that those feelings and thoughts, too shall also come to pass.
      Take care of yourself…you deserve it!!!

    3. Hi Mandy, I can very much relate to how you’re feeling. The diagnosis initially felt like a huge relief to me, it explained so much about my life so far, all the difficulties and I was pleased that there was a reason or a cause for all my failings. Now I can look at the world with a new understanding and it should help but I am now acutely aware of having to adapt my behaviour and not say or do the wrong thing. It’s excruciating. I can see the effect I have on others and I try so hard to bluff my way through but it just doesn’t work, I feel like such a fraud, and others can see that. I feel like a ship with a faulty rudder, unable to steer a course through life. My ‘default’ steerage it faulty, that core centre of my being that allowed me to plot a course through life, based on truth honesty and logic has ultimately been a complete failure. It feels like being cast adrift in the middle of the ocean, in a world where all the rules have been changed. Where do we go from here?
      Being told you’re ‘unique’ and ‘special’ really does not help. We have gone through life wondering what was wrong and now we know but somehow it feels very hollow.

  160. Thank you for this. I’m an Aspie girl and it feels good to see all this stuff. I’m just different but not less. 🙂

  161. Could you speak to me about the need to find others making mistakes and as long as it’s a safe person to “attack” go for the gusto in grinding it in when someone makes a mistake and they catch it. Could this be related to the black and white thinking and with feelings of inferiority have a need to catch someone else “screw up” as they feel like mess ups all the time? Trying to understand. My husband and daughter both have Aspergers. Love you blog.

    Amelia

    1. Dear Amelia,

      One of the defining characteristics of Asperger Syndrome is what I call “rule patrol” and involves pointing out other people’s mistakes. Enmeshed with this is a high sense of justice and fighting for the underdog, even if the person on the Spectrum is in the wrong. Mix that in with difficulties with theory of mind, perspective taking and context blindness. I have interviewed many families where the parent has asked for support for their child who is a “dobber” and often goes too far in seeking what they see as “justice”. Some individuals on the Spectrum put others on pedestals, thinking they can do no wrong and as soon as the person make a mistake (as they invariably will do as the are human), the individual will tell on them, dob, report or even go as far as to publicly defame or bully them. Individuals on the Spectrum are prone to misinterpreting others intentions, black and white thinking and some do take revenge for perceived slights. Some individuals on the Spectrum “obsess” over people whom they feel have wronged them and have been known to stalk and bully others. I hope this helps Amelia. Take care.

    2. I can’t speak for others, but I do have the annoying trait of pointing out other people’s mistakes. It’s not out of a desire to play “gotcha” or hurt anyone – I just notice everything in my environment and have a strong sense of perfectionism and order. It’s usually out of my mouth before I realize it. Now that I’m more aware of this tendency, I try to catch myself before saying anything and keep it to myself.

      1. Hi Tania
        I was going to comment about my compulsive correcting tendency but I got distracted scrolling down and re-reading the blog and found myself doing it anyway though I only actually gave in to the compulsion to correct once. When I got to the bottom I couldn’t remember what comment I was intending to reply to and had to go back to my email to re-read it. There’s another few hours of my life gone!
        Susan

  162. I’m in my 50s, a computer programmer by profession. So much of this fits me, and explains a lot of the nightmares of not fitting in, during my childhood. Not sure how this can help me now, so many years later, but so much of this really fits me. I am married and have 2 children on the autism spectrum, both fairly high-functioning. Thanks for expressing a very interesting view

  163. I am 59 and find comfort in Aspergers Syndrome. I would love to know for sure but there is no one in our area that deals with adults, much less women. Thank you for your findings. pdw

  164. I found myself agreeing with too many of these. This is quite an extensive list albeit a little repetitive.

  165. I have many of the traits described in this article, but I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I read a book about adult daughters of alcoholics that also lists many of the same traits, Now I’m more confused as to who I really am and how to get help.

  166. OMG WOW!!!

    Thank you. Thank you so much. I have never been diagnosed. Being involved in a legal case I had a psychiatrist rip me apart, and I thought what is wrong with me?

    I had suspected that it was on the autistic spectrum, but there was so much that I felt that I wasn’t. Then I read this, and just wow – so much, written in such beautiful words – is me.

    Thank you. I have sent to my email so that I can read through properly. I think I am finally moving on to explaining and finding me. Thank you so much. Nikki 🙂

  167. It is now the next day – and this post is still ringing in my head. Now I understand the outpouring that people send to me, about my blog. I cannot possibly express what this means to me. Every part of my life now makes sense.

    I have thought about little else. Reading this post is a major turning point in my life. Now that I know, I can hopefully begin to manage it, rather than feel bad about it.

    As a child, i never enjoyed role play, I would prefer books, and art. Although I was fairly popular as a child, and had a lot of friends. I never did the whole ‘mums and dads’ play role it seemed daft to me. As I grew older, I didn’t read fiction, only non fiction where I could learn.

    It took me 7 years to complete my degree. I did the second year 3 times as I dropped out before the end. This is despite that I was very intelligent, and found it easy to achieve academically, without thinking. I would find it hard to cope with my eldest daughter who would shout at me, sometimes for weeks on end. My ears would ring.

    I do find it easier to convey how i feel with the written word. My work was for decades with homeless people. Whilst I enjoyed the one on one client work, I struggled with combining this with work within the team. I preferred to work alone. I would can focus on one project and become lost in that project. Sometimes forgetting to eat.

    I couldn’t understand when things went wrong at work. I so wanted to please and to get it right. I would work hard, sometimes getting lost in my work (as I also do on my blog)

    I too suffer from social exhaustion. I can be sociable (I find this easier if I have had a drink, this has caused problems) – I didn’t know why? (I am not alcoholic) – I enjoy time on my own, I find that easier than being with a group of people. I can get tired, if I am around too many people for too long.

    I have a sixth sense, am intuitive, and can be psychic, I have had mediumistic things that I have seen, that have proven to be accurate and true.

    The list goes on and on…. I am not A sexual, I am hetrosexual, but it having sex isn’t the center of my world. If I am not in a relationship, it doesn’t bother me. I have been too naive in the past. To trusting and have been taken advantage of.

    Things became really bad for me, when I suffered a horrific trauma over 6 days (my daughter died) and I developed severe chronic PTSD. My brain froze (I lost over 3 years of my life) and my job… I just couldn’t cope…..

    I am now realising from your amazing post…. that I have always had aspergers. It is like you have described me. I want to write to thank you. I am hoping that from now on, I can not just manage. But to explain to people why I am like I am. I don’t mean to be rude or short… I often do not realise that I am. I also look young for my age, and can have a childlike innocence, despite having wisdom from a fairly difficult life.

    I really now know what those emails to me, thanking me for explaining the truth about their abusive relationship, must feel like to those people. This is a turning point in my life. Thank you!!

  168. Thank you PG for directing me here, wow! You sound just like me! This is the most informative write up about aspergers and related issues that I’ve ever read! So accurate. The EDS was news to me too, I have so many symptoms of it! My family too, mum, sister and daughter etc are displaying different presentations of it. I’ve actually booked in to see the doc after reading info about it. Thank you so much for the write up, it’s wonderful, I’ve already passed links on to others who ” don’t get me “, a life changer for me, thank you so much! 😀
    Love and light your way.
    Jen.XXX

  169. You even say about the fear of birth. I did. In fact it was this that caused the trauma when my daughter died. They forced me into 3 days induction, despite this was my biggest fears. My brain, shut down. I was lost for more than 3 years.

    I am wondering, as I can relate to pretty much everything that you say here. (95%) – it is like someone has written my life history.

    What would be the impact of severe psychological trauma, in a birth situation, where someone was terrified of birth – and developed severe Chronic PTSD? Would this be worse for someone with Aspergers?

    My brain shut down. What you say about long term memory being good and short term bad (I lost my car the other day as I drove it to the shop, forgot and walked home – it was the next day I realised and it was towed away). I coped at work, as i was reliant on my long term memory (I had worked in my job with homeless people 7 years prior to the trauma) I was able to work on auto pilot (without thinking). 13 months after the trauma, I attended 2 day training course, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t retain information, or learn. I loved to learn, and found it easy – it was a white space. This was the first time that I realised that there was something seriously wrong. There was, I was left so traumatised my brain was frozen in shock. The cognitive processing in my brain stopped working. I couldn’t process new information. (and couldn’t for more than 3 years).

    Do you know if there is anywhere that I can find information about the impact of trauma with people with Aspergers? Why did it impact me so much? Being a person whose brain was always fast – this stop in my brain, was really frightening. I lost myself. I would really like to learn more about what happened. Why it had affected me so severely?

    For the first time, ever in my life. I am able to explain. I am able to understand me. It is so massive, and is going to make such a difference to my life. Thank you.

    1. I was wondering the same PG, hence I mentioned it on your page, I’ve had ” brain freeze too, it’s awful, it first happened when I was in junior school and again in secondary school, I’ve had periodic bouts of it since. I wondered what impact multiple traumas had on the aspergic child and adult, especially when all you’ve had so far is your own self help and research to survive.

      1. Do you recognise yourself in this post Jen?

        As this is so very me. It’s amazing. It is like someone has written a description of me, and my life.

      2. Oh yes it largely describes me and my life to a tee. 🙂 It is isn’t it, I feel like I’ve had a revelation too where the EDS is concerned, I’ve just spoken to mum about it and sent the links to my brother. 🙂

    2. Sorry to hear about what you went through, I have had trauma in my life but never had the brain shut down, I would go inside myself and live there for a while until I could deal with things. I did have a complete brain loss a few years ago, my son ( also aspie) and I went to a hypnotist him for smoking and me for weight and when we walked out our brain was gone ( we both had the same reaction) – all the voices and pics in my head had disappeared and there was only silence for the first time in my life, (if this is how normals live my heart goes out to them – no wonder they need a society) it was like playing ping pong with only one lonely thought at a time and then emptiness, it drove me crazy and I only lasted about 2 weeks and had to go back and get him to somehow reverse it. It is still not as good as it used to be but getting back to how it was. He said in
      all his years he had never had anyone with this. Regards Ivoryt

  170. I happened to stumble across this site whenever I was doing some research on Asperger’s, and oh my God, nearly everything on here describes me to a T. I’m just nervous to speak to a psychologist about it. :/

    1. I know how you feel, Elizabeth. I am afraid if I approach someone they will laugh and think I am being ridiculous. Especially my family.

      1. Exactly. My mom tells me that I’m being ridiculous and to ‘get over it’. She doesn’t say it to be mean of course, but at 21….I don’t think this is just a simple ‘phase’ I’m going through. I just learned that a seven year old cousin of mine has been diagnosed with Asperger’s, and with ADHD and other disorders running in my family, couldn’t there be a possibility of me having something too?

      2. This is a problem for me, as well. While my husband totally understands and supports me, I don’t feel as though I can share this with anyone else. I think my son would flip out, even though he deals with many of the same issues I have. I think he would try to deny what I have to say, especially since he is the father of 2 young boys. Part of me wants to tell him but part of me is terrified that he might reject me and I can’t take that risk. As far as sharing it with friends is concerned, I think this news would ricochet around my carefully controlled social world and I would forever be labeled as “weird” (they already think I’m eccentric but like me anyway.)

  171. Hello.. I’m an Aspienwoman and I saw myself in almost every item, with some few exceptions. I’m from Brazil and we have very few material regarding the subject of Asperger Syndrome on Women… can I translate it to portuguese (with a link to this page and all the credits, of course)? I’m creating a blog just to translate those kind of texts and make it more accessible to people here.
    Thank you very much.

    1. Juliana, thank-you for your message. I would be pleased for you to translate my blog(s) into Portugese. Thank-you for asking:-) I will also email you. Kind Regards, Tania

  172. I am not ASD and come up at the very opposite in assessments. I find some of these categories very much like myself and people “diagnosed” with other things such as ADHD, bi-polar, or just people who would be seen as artistic, sensitive, very compassionate. But I think it is helpful for women who identify as ASD very hard to find info that relates to women. have a daughter diagnosed with Autism and one who I have thought would be diagnosable especially if she was a youngster nowadays. She is in mid 20s and younger is mid teens. I think the benefit of this study is that it is fabulous for women who can see themselves mirrored in these descriptions. It has a lot of detail. I would be concerned if people picked out certain categories and found themselves or others in those categories without taking the entire picture into account (perhaps as some with ASD may?). Please do not take any of these comments in a way that would be offensive. I just wanted to give a perspective as someone who is not identifying with the whole picture of this developing study, but can look from the outside and also does identify a lot with the emotional and psychological categories. Great to see this work being developed. Thank you very much for sharing this information and doing this valuable research. Helen

  173. Hi; the profile on adult females with Asperger’s Syndrome fitted my Partner exactly; there is a 33 year age difference between us. I am seventy five. I realised within the last few days that she has the “syndrome”.

    The profile has answered so many questions and provided great relief in just knowing what it is.

    The question I have for you please is: how do you cope with horrendous and quite horrible anger both verbal and physical with anything to hand coming my way. The tenor of the anger is the same every time. I almost know it now word for word and it’s scary and another concern is that we have a six year old, given I won’t last forever to protect her, what will happen to her.

    Thanks for the profile; lots of answers however some questions still remain.

    As a career, my Partner is a passionate Director of Nursing in Aged Care with a very strong management style according to many!

    C.

  174. OMGosh… this sounds a lot like me and I’m 41. I was just diagnosed with MTHFR. If you have Asperger’s look up MTHFR gene mutation. 90% of Autism people have MTHFR. Thx for this list. My husband and I just moved to a newly built house right before Thanksgiving and have been so overwhelmed with buying a new house, sick cats and now the holidays and my health has been getting in the way with auto-immune etc. We have NOT spent time with family and even missed several invites the past couple yrs due to all of this. My dad just told us this week, he wants to “Disown” us and take us out of the family trust. Really??? all because HE doesn’t feel like we care enough to go to HIS parties and family gatherings. Who cares about $$, but “Disown”? I guess it makes HIM look bad if we dont’ show up and who cares how we feel. Jeesh. I will share this list above with my methylation specialist and see what she thinks. I’ve been a slow learner all my life, but once I learn I’m a big detailed person enough to bore someone….lol As you see with my post.

  175. What’s most helpful here for me is the description of my social troubles. In helping to clarify just what these are I can get a better sense of why so many of my friendships have ended and why I have had trouble at work. ….so much actually comes down to being able to be within a group. I can do this, quite well even, ecxept when it has to go on for days or there is pressure to be accepted. One thing it has helped me realise is that I need to avoid socializing within a group. That any new friend can only be made one on one; otherwise I run the risk of losing out on a heavy investment of energy, because any friend made via a group interaction will basically not last (this may have been easier when younger and I had more practise). …it is a significant drawback, but I am handicapped so very much more if I feel ashamed of this limitation and get pushed and conned into thinking I shoukd have to be extroverted. I simply cannot last – certainky not if or when any new added pressure, like starting a new job, gets thrown into the mix.

    I have too much experience with all these everyday heartaches and rejection. I was also sexually harassed in my first year of working. (with all men on my own) and sufferred a kind of nervous breakdown which was followed by aquiring a full blown anxiety disorder and avoidance of work – then panic attacks and further bullying because of it when I returned. After climbing my way back out of those holes, its to now find that I am discriminated agaeinst because of my work history. Even taking the category of disabled, due to my anxiety problems, has yet to see me get a job three months on.

    I feel quite angry and bitter. I seem to repeatedly just fall short of getting acceptance in various arenas. I’m intelligent, talented, mature and kind.I do a lot of volunteer work.

    Over and over I feel like I am passed over – all my good traits ignored. I feel like the average person is selfish spoilt and ruthless. It’s all about the individual getting ahead. Only with my apparrent great weakness, comes a lot of strength and it’s as if I am garbage, the way that the work force utterly and entirely ignores me.

    How does a person deal with such prejudice? …even four years of positive references from recent work roles still sees me dealing with discrimination: I cannot get a job in science because I abandoned that due to harassment and bad association; I cannot get a job in admin because I am not experienced enough; even a job cleaning proves difficult because I have a university degree.

    I am truly in limbo. Neithrr here nor there. Nowhere.

  176. Hi, Tania.
    CONTEXT — I am diagnosed AS – initially “residual” and “sub-clinical” (exact words used), as you so rightly feature as typical assumptions for mature women who have acquired some masking skills – but I protested as there are continuing very real negative IRL effects. Even this female-AS-specialist diagnostician was misled by my apparent interactive social skill, as displayed in the clinical setting over a finite period. As a result of my protest and elaboration, this word was withdrawn from the formal DX document. I felt and continue to feel this to be very important, as I think it very likely in future life I will need to seek accommodations which I surmise would not be made available with such an equivocal DX.
    REQUEST — This page was such a good read that I wonder if you have a version with tick boxes. I am trying to explain to a friend what it means to be AS and I reckon you’ve utterly, utterly nailed it for me. Reckon I tick 90-95% of your list. Very impressive work, the best I have seen so far.

  177. I was finally diagnosed at the age of 50 (I am 60 now). I’ve been married for 35 years, and I am getting more and more autistic, and more asexual. Which is the cause of great distress, because my husband is the opposite and demands sex, saying that the bible says it is my duty as a good wife.
    Going down your list, it nearly all fits me (the specialist who diagnosed me told me I was a ‘textbook case’).
    If I would have known what I know now (and how awful my marriage would be) I’d never have married at all. People say, “But how can you say that, you wouldn’t have your five wonderful children and 17 grandchildren then!” BUT that is a moot point, as nobody would have known they could potentially exist.

    1. Does it really say that in the Bible? To be expected I suppose, since there is no Gospel according to Mary or Mary Magdalene or anyone at all of the female gender. I only ever read it at state school in RE and we didn’t cover that bit for obvious reasons! Maybe I got the wrong impression, but I thought Christianity was about showing unconditional love for one’s fellow man (and woman of course), not about a set of arbitrary rules and obligations, designed to give men the upper hand.
      I really don’t think your marital difficulties are entirely due to Aspergers. I suspect it is one of the myths of our age that post menopausal women (and women in general for that matter) are all having great sex lives. Sure, HRT may help and a good emotionally intimate relationship with one’s partner and continuity of sexual intimacy from a time when you were both actually hot for each other (assuming there was ever such a time) would surely help to keep it going as long as possible, but I think it is just a fact of nature that many post menopausal women are not all that interested in sex, especially if their partner doesn’t understand and makes no attempt to adapt his expectations and behaviour to her declining sex drive.
      I am single and lonely but the thought of starting up sex again with some old man I met on the net leaves me cold though I would love for someone to take me to the theatre or a drive. It is not for no reason that men in other cultures or eras took additional wives, kept mistresses, visited prostitutes etc. when their wives became middle-aged. In our society where divorce is now the norm, the usual remedy is for the man to leave his wife for a younger or more sexually willing woman, leaving his wife to get on with her life alone – a fate which is much easier to cope with in the West . Fortunately, most have children and grandchildren and are usually better at taking care of themselves than their deserting husbands. It is often the man who ends up the lonelier once his new amour loses interest after his potency declines and she has spent all his money, while the deserted wife often flourishes in her new-found independence in spite of her relatively impoverished circumstances.
      If you were otherwise happy in the marriage you would probably go along with the sex to please him but sounds to me as though you are not happy and that is why you hate the sex so much because it just heightens your awareness of your unhappiness – if it is physically uncomfortable – talk to your GP.
      I hope you and your husband can work this out.
      Best wishes,
      Susan

      1. Oh my goodness. First, any biblical references to a wife’s “duty” sexually all refer to reproduction. Since that is off the table, even if you believed that @#$%^&* it wouldn’t apply to you anyway. But, beyond that, sexual intercourse for us post-menopausal ladies is frequently painful due to vaginal atrophy. That sure can put the damper on our interest. Sure, we can take hormones, but why risk our lives to please men who clearly don’t have our best interests at heart? Marital sexuality is mutual. There are many, many ways to please and pleasure each other that don’t involve doing things that are harmful; but if one partner bullies the other there can be no mutuality. As an Aspienwoman, I understand how others can overwhelm us with their demands and expectations; how we need to please, smooth the waters and crave acceptance, just to try to have some peace. But it doesn’t work. It’s not just our job – our “others” have to do their part as well, and if they can’t or won’t, then we need to rethink the relationship. You have a right to self-fulfillment and self-esteem. You have a right to be understood, appreciated and supported in your marriage. I am in a happy, fulfilling marriage and I realize every day how fortunate I am; but I’ve also fought for it and it hasn’t always been pretty. I only came to the realization that I’m Aspien in the past few months and, as I look at my past (I’m 61, BTW,) I can see how much pain both of us experienced because we didn’t understand what was really going on. We’ve faced it together and are working through it. It isn’t always easy, but one thing I do is communicate what I’m feeling and insist that my husband confronts my reality because it’s his reality as well. He has risen to the challenge. Communicate with your husband. Don’t back down. He has to confront this if he wants to go on with you and you with him. It’s his responsibility as much as it is yours.

      2. I don’t think sex is anyone’s duty but it is a need in a relationship. It is awful to be forced to do something you don’t want to and you should know your boundaries. However, I am another Aspien woman (much younger than you) that is kind of hypersexual and I’ve been in relationships where the man was less sexual than me and I felt so hurt and rejected. It was one of the most humiliating experiences ever (well, many other things went wrong and I had no idea why, at least I now have an explanation). I have never had the opposite problem, however, I have done things I hate for someone I love (such as going to concerts where I just can’t stand the music) and it was terrible. But what I mean is – try to understand your husband, don’t make him “wrong” for having these desires. I’m telling you – it hurts incredibly to be sexually rejected by someone you love and desire. It makes you unwanted and unloved and even ashamed. We all have different needs and sex is one of them for many people. I recommend you read the book “Five love languages” to get an idea just how different people are. It’s not the perfect book but it is worth reading. It helps you understand yourself and others better.
        I feel lonely now, I want to find love and it is really difficult to have a high sex drive and be single and also to be very picky about who you want to date. I hope I will find someone some day.

  178. This is me to a T. 42 yrs old, worked with Asperger individuals for 10 yrs. I could relate to them completely. Going for my Masters in Counseling and I am a medium/ channeler. I love the fact you picked up on the psychic component. I tried to communicate that in my work whenever I got the chance.

  179. Much of this describes my 14 year old daughter to perfection, she has no diagnosis and has been discharged by our local service as they say she can’t be an Aspie as she is able to hold a reciprocal conversation on a one to one and understands some sarcasm! Reading this has reassured me that we are doing the right thing seeking a 2nd opinion 🙂

  180. I am awaiting investigation to identify whether I have autism/asperger’s and I can identify with many of the characteristics mentioned in this article. Your article is very informative. Thank you.

  181. I know I’m kind of late on this, but I’m 19 and I’ve always kind of suspected I’m not NT but last week my mother confided in me that she always suspected I had Asperger’s (never diagnosed due to a dislike of pathologizing behavior), and have kind of gone on a research/crying binge. I fit this profile perfectly (I’ve not shown signs of hypochondria before) and I’m not sure how to deal with it. On one hand it explains a lot of my behavior and the things I consistently have difficulty with and it makes me feel less awful and weird about it. On the other hand, given this diagnosis, I’m not sure at all how to deal with it and I’m really afraid of being clinically diagnosed or using it as something to hide behind. Thoughts?

  182. Very informative. I am just realizing that my sister, who is 53, might be an Aspie. She fits closely with most of the characteristics listed. The question I have now is: should I tell her? What about our parents? Would this knowledge be upsetting? How would she react? Not sure what to do. Any insight would be most appreciated. Thanks!

  183. Oh goodness. I actually feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Being an ex-teacher, I’ve worked with a lot of autistic children and some with aspergers (although all of them have been boys) so I thought I had a good understanding of aspergers syndrome. I also thought that I was about as far away from having aspergers as one possibly could be. but reading this is like reading about myself. A few of the points don’t apply to me, but most do. I’ve googled further and – yes – the social awkwardness and teaching myself how to fit in and how to be with people and talk to them, the inability to hold down a job despite being intelligent and responsible, poor executive function, woeful lack of organisational skills, ridiculously precise long term memory, but awful short term memory and so on. I think this is me, and it explains such a lot. I’m scared to delve further though – I’d really hate anybody to think I was obsessed with getting a diagnosis (we’ve all met people like that – desperate for a label to excuse their failings. I don’t want to be one of them).

  184. Tania, excellent, well-researched article. Two young women in my life are Aspies, and one forwarded this to me.

    One was misdiagnosed as bipolar, mostly because it runs in her family. Although I am unhappy with the reclassification of Asperger’s as a form of Autism, leading to stigmatism of the disorder, blogs such as yours and Gretchen Leary’s (a young woman who is “out” with her diagnosis) are helping to shed a comprehensive light on a condition that gives our world so many interesting, creative people. I could go on, but let me thank you again. Peace, Amy Barlow Liberatore… PFLAG Mom and “out” bipolar and PTSD woman!

  185. This article could have been written about me, this is how strongly I identify.
    I am yet to receive a formal diagnoses however, I have known since I was 6 that I was different (I’m 30 this year). My parents never pursued having me “checked out” as a child as my mother was quite ill and my father is very much a typical pom (everything is BS anyway). I think they just assumed that it was just how I was. Looking back now I struggle to not feel resentment, despite the fact that they are and were amazing parents. How could they not have noticed that I had an eating disorder for so many years and why did they accept my incredibly abnormal behavior as normal. They are also incredibly sensitive and I feel that they will take this as a personal failing on their part.

    I still sleep with a soft toy…

    I have struggled over the past 10 years with either putting myself in a abusive relationship (and constantly going back) to cutting ties with people when I feel they’re getting too close in a way I don’t like.

    My husband saw straight through my behavior and told me that it was not normal and that I’m incredibly narcissistic, sensitive and lacked the ability to have a conversation with anyone unless about a topic I was interested in however, I talk”at” people instead of with them and did not have the ability to recognise disinterest. Now I can see what he means, but it has taken me my entire life to realise that I lack the awareness at the time and that perhaps he is right.

    I’m happy that I can finally relate to other people but I’m also very worried that I’ll never change from this. :-/

  186. Aspies are NOT empaths. You have to be able to feel. Aspies do not empathize. This is insulting to empaths.

  187. i found most of the traits mentioned fit my experiences in life . i also have found since having a massive stroke that damaged my pre-frontal cortex that my already poor coping skills are worse. life this way is challenging at best but i keep trying to find ways that permit me to hew a life i feel is rewarding and somewhat comfortable but dang it is hard.

  188. I want to say Thank you so much for this article.
    My son was diagnosed in 1998 and I researched a great many articles for him to help him cope while he was growing up. After a long absence from my brothers I was finally re united and immediately saw they too exhibited the same symptoms as my son. Of course I immediately informed them and their wives about the condition and received many thanks from them after I recommend books to read. I remember my oldest brother’s wife calling me after she read one of the books I recommended and saying “it described my brother to a tee”.
    I watched as my mother started to exhibit more and more traits of Asperger’s as she grew older. We all laughed and put it down to just her advancing years. Then recently I have noticed that I am exhibiting more and more traits of Asperger’s as I get older, ( picture me running screaming..” I am turning into my Mother.”). Please do not get me wrong I love my mother with all my heart even though she is no longer with us. She was the most fantastic person I have ever known along with my son.
    I have noticed over the past few years, things that never bothered me before are becoming obsessive in my thinking now.. small things such as being crowded by people, changes in my routine can throw me off for weeks on end and the list goes on and on. I am in dread fear of small-talk.. I just can’t do it.. I never could but it is so much worse now. I avoid people and prefer to stick strictly to my family. I basically have no female friends or no real friends. But I still hold out hope that I will make some, someday. I have my family and although some of them are not blood family they stick by me. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a Aspienwoman and so was my mother.
    Until recently I was ok knowing that I was different and I even recognized why I was different. I have a job I love, and my fondest wish is to be able to hang onto it until I can retire. But I live in fear that at my age if I lose it, no one will hire me as I am not in my 30’s, or 40’s. I watch as all these young people are being hired and they are able to answer and catch on to things so quickly it scares me. Anyway I am rambling.
    My real question is can you or anyone point me in the direction of a group or blog that I can join/talk to others like me? It would be so helpful.

  189. Tania, THANK YOU for your work. This is such a relief to read, particularly because it’s so difficult to find material on adult women with Aspergers. I was diagnosed in 2008 at the age of 37, and this list corresponds to my life very accurately (I’m now 42). It’s a great relief to read it and I will be following your work. I have never really told people ‘en masse’ about the diagnosis, but I long to talk about it more. Mostly, people don’t believe it because of the skills I’ve developed to deal socially. On the other hand my partner of 6 years very much believes it, although he didn’t at first. I’ve contrived to spend most of the last 5 years in solitude, really only seeing him for social contact, because of social exhaustion and social/workplace exhaustion. I think this list will help me talk about Aspergers to people I’d like to become friends with, if it’s necessary. So thank you again. I’ve been thinking about writing a blog post about the representation of people with Aspergers on popular tv shows – all men – and some of these characters are FANTASTIC and I get very attached to them – but we hardly ever see ‘eccentric’ women represented, or women with Aspergers characteristics.

    Chris

    1. Dear Chris, thank-you for your message and you are welcome. I agreed that it is a challenge to find material on adult female Aspergers. One of the challenges for females is that they have often spend time, money and energy in searching for and finally getting their diagnosis. Then, after much courage to tell others about their diagnosis, their well-meaning (and sometimes not) friends, family members or work colleagues dismiss them. I agree with you that we need to see females with Aspergers represented accurately in TV shows. All the best!

  190. is there any kind of medication that can treat Aspergers disease? I’m struggling trying to go back to school and I’m having all these problems had It every since I was a kid

    1. Dear Damie, Asperger Syndrome is a neurological condition, usually from birth and highly heritable. There are no medications to treat Aspergers perse. Having said that there are some medications that are quite useful in treating anxiety, depression or OCD, for example. School can be stressful due to having a different learning style, social confusion, executive function challenges, social skills challenges, and/or possible learning difficulties. Academic accommodations, social skills training, breaks of solitude, finding out one’s learning style and/or learning disabilities can all be helpful.

    2. Dear Damie, there is no medication for aspergers because it’s not a disease! It is classed as a disorder but many people would even dispute that. It’s just a different way of thinking. The problem lies in the rotten way people who are “different” are treated by people who are “normal” and therefore people with aspergers often develop anxiety or depression which then need treating. Other things like attention problems are usually the result of other conditions (eg in my daughter’s case she has ADHD and aspergers, as does my sister) and whether a person has ADHD or not, only severe cases need medication. Mild cases just need understanding by caregivers and teachers.

  191. Hi~

    Interesting project — look forward to following your work! Just one thing — I think of it as the “gift of Aspergers” since the upside traits have really empowered me in my life, as has the need to develop sophisticated coping mechanisms. So, you use the word “symptoms”. I would like to suggest that you use “traits”, as symptoms indicates illness.

    Cheers,
    Pamela

    1. Dear Pamela, thank-you for your message. I too view many of the traits of Aspergers in a strength-based way, as reflected in my book series (coming out soon). I definitely will fix this, in due time. I really like the way you think about Aspergers! Take care, Tania

  192. wow this desribes me so well i have a milluon mental health diagnosis….ED addiction self harm borderline ptsd social anxiety depression but this seems to fit me better in general then any of them. something to look into i think.

  193. If there’s no official tool for assessing females then how do we get the official diagnosis to receive disability checks? I am going out of my mind — I no longer feel I can function in this world. I feel that, as I age, my symptoms worsen. I just want to sleep life away so I don’t have to deal with people and the perpetual misunderstanding.

    1. Hi Erika, their are assessment tools I use, which are good, not great or perfect, but they do the job. We do need female-based ones and these are being developed by researchers presently. I understand how you feel. I have talked to women from many different countries who are finding it extremely challenging to find someone who understands the female profile and who will listen to them and provide them with the appropriate diagnosis. It is also quite the challenge to find and/or receive post-diagnosis support. I am currently working on a database of professionals and support groups for females on the Spectrum. Take care.

      1. What tools do you use that you’re referring to? Will you be posting this list of professionals and groups for support that you’re working on?

        Thanks for your caring response.

  194. Thank you for having this report online. Every part is exactly me with only maybe 3 small exeptions. This has given me the most amazing feeling to know more about myself. The self awareness about myself is finally a completed puzzle.

  195. Sometimes it really feels like I’m chained to a boulder that I’m having to drag through each and every day. I’ve always felt like the subject of the song “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?” and that teachers and bosses were just sighing and rolling their eyes, wondering when my next screw-up would occur. Then there is the challenge of making and keeping friends. On one hand I am lonely and want to be like other women, to talk about fashion and men and church and go for girls’ night out. But in my heart I know I am usually uncomfortable or bored discussing those things, nor do I really feel much in common with “the girls”. Forget the lunchroom, I can’t face the chitchat, the gossip and the risk of being the butt of someone’s bitchiness. It’s easier not to have women friends. My husband and my immediate family are my BFFs. And it’s much more comfortable that way.
    I get tired of fluctuating between functioning all right for a while, then without warning, experience near-catatonia. I get tired of my “stimming” behaviors, yet I can’t seem to stop them. Above all, I want an explanation, a definitive diagnosis and effective treatment. “Yes, this is the problem, and here is what we can do to make it better.” My first psychiatrist stopped short of a dx because I scored high on the EQ. It’s true, I am so empathetic it’s ridiculous. Deanna Troi has nothing on me! The meds I am on help with the emotional meltdowns and cognition issues, but my teeth-clicking and rocking have increased fourfold.
    So, I’ve decided enough is enough. I have made an appointment to see a therapist next week. A female therapist who has been highly recommended. I hope she can help me sort through this mess. I’ve had enough of hiding out in my little house, and looking forward to getting back out into the world. It helps me to read the thoughts and experiences of other women like me and I hope maybe I can give support in return.

    1. I should clarify that my primary dx is Bipolar I, Dysthymic Disorder, Depressive Personality Disorder with Schizoid Traits and Borderline and Antisocial Features. Whew! That was a mouthful. I never told doc about the stimming or talking to myself; maybe that’s a good thing, ha!

  196. I enjoy reading others’ stories and I have commented on some. But I can’t help but feel invisible, as no one here has ever responded to any of my comments. Am I intruding on a closed discussion? If so, I offer my apologies.

    1. You are so NOT invisible. I read your 2/8 post and could relate to so much of it. This is by far not an insular discussion, believe me and I’m glad you spoke up. One thing I keyed on was the feeling of wanting to be “one of the girls” and never being able to breach that gap. I’ve always been uncomfortable around other girls/women. I want to be able to “blend in” to the discussions about fashion, etc, but I just can’t. For a long time, I thought I was just a dork. But, really, what most women talk about just bores me to tears. I don’t understand the context.I can tell that other women don’t “get me” when I start talking about something scientific or historical in great detail and I suddenly find myself marginalized. I don’t get gossip. Why would I care about so-and-so and so-and-so? I don’t like to shop because stores freak me out with sensory overload. I have no idea what fashions are current and I don’t really care but I wish I could. I dress nicely, but comfortably because seams, labels, etc bother me. Try explaining that to the spike heels and skinny jean crowd. I love playing tennis and it’s really good for me mentally and physically, but then I have to deal with all the social trips that are going on around me with competitive personalities that I just can’t stand the emotional noise. So let’s keep this discussion going. I need to talk about this stuff too.

      1. Thank you so much, Jacqueline, for your kind reply. I was feeling a little self-pitying last night, sorry! Your experience really resonates with me. In “small-talk” situations, I used to rattle on about something without realizing how I was boring people. After awhile, they’d avoid me. When I finally realized the reason why, it was as if a spotlight had suddenly switched on. I’ve had a lot of insight about social cues. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make me any more comfortable around people. I can fake it, but I’ve been told it sometimes comes off as insincerity. But I keep working on it! 🙂 I’m having to say good night for now, but I hope we can stay in touch. Thanks again!

    2. Hello Mockingbirdhillmom,

      I know how you feel. It is not often anyone responds to me either. On Facebook no-one ever does -I think it is because I don’t know how to gush, expose the trivial details of my life for public consumption or make lighthearted, guileless quips. I have barely been outside for days or even got dressed because I have lost all motivation – catatonic almost. I don’t know if it’s the (suspected) Aspergers, the meningioma or the medication (probably unnecessary) which I have to take to keep my driver’s licence, or if I am depressed because I feel I am of no interest to anyone anymore. I am determined to get myself out of the “wallow” of the last three days and get showered and dressed and get out and at least go to the shops – it is now 1.30pm. It is all too easy to distract myself on the computer for hours on end. I must make an effort to be the one to make contact instead of hoping someone (other than from an Indian call centre) will bother to contact me. I too live in fear of rebuff and rejection; of pushing myself in where I am not wanted, though I do know intellectually that this is a selfish fear and that those I am avoiding contacting probably feel equally neglected by me. It is such hard work when being sociable does not come naturally and yet I need the stimulation of (safe non-judgemental) contact with others. I so envy all those people on Facebook for their bright and happy social lives. It is probably to be expected that on a forum for Aspergers women, many are not going to engage readily in discourse but that is exactly what we need to do, so I look forward to hearing from you again – you are very welcome -(as the flowers…..) Btw what is “stimming” I’ve not heard the term before? I have started horseriding in my mid 60s -can’t afford every week but it is wonderful – makes me feel happy and normal for a while – all activity is good if I can only get started. Choir is good too though I tend to dread it until I get there and start singing. I hope your therapy will turn out to be helpful.

      Sending you loving and happy thoughts,

      Susan

      1. Hello, Susan, and thank you for your kind words. I really understand what you are saying about the “catatonia”. It is awful to feel unfocused and unsure what to do next, so one ends up doing nothing. In spite of psychotropic medication helping, it’s still a challenge for me. “Stimming” (short for a self-soothing “stimulative” behavior) is a type of behavior that is repetitive, like rocking one’s body back and forth. In my case it’s clicking my teeth in a particular rhythm and rocking my head to and fro in time to it. It’s very subtle, and most people won’t know I’m doing it unless they’re staring and catch me off guard. So happy to hear about the horseback riding. It must be so nice to be outdoors and to feel the fresh air and feel the rhythm of the horse’s gait. And you sing, too! I love singing as well. These are things that bring us joy, and can alleviate loneliness I believe. I am heading off to bed, busy day tomorrow, but I hope we can stay in touch. You sound like a very nice person. Best wishes and we’ll talk again tomorrow if you like. By the way, I live in Wichita, KS, USA. Where are you from?

  197. Just wondering if anyone has had the experience of trying to sort out a difficult relationship situation, where the intention is that, if logic is used, a clear, logical solution can be found – however, in my situation, everyone turned on me to denounce my approach? I recently had to deal with my siblings regarding my elderly mothers finances. I wrote what seemed to me to be a thoughtful, logical, compassionate email. However the backlash that I have received is perplexing and confusing. I copied the email to my husband as well – even he said that I sounded angry even furious. I reread the email: Not only was I not angry when I wrote the email but I could not see how anyone could interpret what I had written as anything but compassionate and looking for support.

    I have had a similar response to written communication in the past. Is this typical for an aspie?

    1. Oh, yes, I’ve had similar situations with written communication as well, I almost started a fight with my cousin when I had no intention to, fortunately she didn’t make me feel bad about it and I just apologised. What has helped me is reading about relationships and scientific research on what works. Your intentions may be the best but you need the right approach as well. I still make mistakes but at least now I catch them and know where I need to improve. I need a logical explanation for everything and psychology studies are the best solution for me. Try reading some quality books on relationships.
      The best thing I’ve learned is forgetting the words “should” or “must”. Nothing is worse than them when it comes to communication. The worst thing you can say to someone is that they should or should not be feeling a certain way. If you catch yourself saying something that could be paraphrased as “you should not feel this way” stop immediately. NTs do this as well but they are more subtle so they get a free pass. Since I started using these techniques my relationships have deepened and my friends even started complimenting me on my good advice. Well, I’m not perfect and I have a lot more to work on but this is good progress. Good luck!

    2. I’ve actually had almost the identical experience. When my mother passed away, my four siblings and I had to sort out her estate. She had kindly left a comprehensive will, so it should not have been difficult. After one of my sisters physically attacked one of my brothers during our first family meeting, however, we decided to communicate via email rather than risk another incident. My approach to communicating via email was, to my way of thinking, straightforward, logical and businesslike. These, were, after all, merely practical matters, or so I thought. I thought I was being kind and compassionate; I had, after all, just lost my mother too. But some of my siblings didn’t take my approach well. I was accused of all manner of things, especially being cold and greedy for wanting to expedite the process. Apparently, I didn’t understand the emotional ways that my siblings were dealing with having to divide the estate. I missed my mother and mourned for her, but I saw settling the estate and dividing the proceeds as a necessary administrative process. Some of them saw it as tearing my mother’s life apart, as though she were still alive. They couldn’t bear to part with her house, her possessions, etc. I couldn’t relate to that, although I understood it, in a distant way. I just wanted to deal with it and put it in the past. It was a nightmare, resulting in my not speaking to my sisters for more than a year.

      I think electronic communication is especially fraught with danger for Aspiens. We are often almost clinical in our assessments of situations and usually use language that others find off-putting, since many of us have a command of language that others do not. We can come across as pompous, superior, lofty and unfeeling. I now refuse to use email or texting for anything other than simple questions and answers, preferring to speak in person or on the phone if I have something important to communicate; which can be difficult, as well, since I try to avoid conflict at all costs and sometimes “zone out” during conversations while I’m trying to process where the other person is coming from. I actually would prefer to use email because it gives the chance to think about what I have to say without being rushed, but it’s not a good option for me, since I seem to lack the facility for emotional eloquence.

      That lack of facility can be frustrating, but I find it funny sometimes. Trying to write a simple thank you or birthday card is an exercise is anxiety. Some people can write all sorts of sweet little sentiments and I wish I could do that. I admire that ability. All I can come up with is “Thank you for the watch” or Happy Birthday” and I feel like a dork. My husband threw me a huge 60th birthday party last year (which I hardly remember because I felt like a zombie all night) and it took me weeks to write half of the thank you cards. It was horrible. I finally ended up not sending any of them and then apologizing to all my friends.

      Hope this helps a bit to know you’re not the only one who struggles with written communication.

    3. Pardon the short reply, I’ve had a tiring day what with school and still recovering from surgery. I agree with Jacqueline’s post. E-mails and texts are easily misinterpreted. Unless one sprinkles one’s text with emoticons, an e-mail can sound terse and unfriendly. “Please stop by my office sometime today.” “Your help would be very much appreciated.” “Please reply at your earliest convenience.” These statements can hold a threat for many of us, autistic or not. I can’t help but wonder, though, if your relatives were overreacting to a perfectly civil correspondence. Though we “aspies” tend to second-guess ourselves a lot, one mustn’t discount the possibility that you’re aren’t to blame. Maybe your family members are simply behaving like jerks. Best wishes, and feel free to “bend my ear” anytime!

      1. Thank you. I am taking your suggestions seriously. It is such a relief to finally be part of a community where I am not so alone in my ‘take on the word’.

    4. Dear Clare, the hallmark challenge for people on the Spectrum is the social domain and social differences. Without reading your email, I cannot comment on how it was perceived. However, It is quite common for misunderstandings to occur in social interactions. All the best.

  198. Wow, I am overwhelmed. Thank you both of you (mockingbirdhillmom & Jaqueline) for your responses – you were so spot on and described things so similarly to how I have experienced things, – I am blown away!! On a side tracked note, I have NEVER had someone else describe their experience of writing in greeting cards the way I experience it, until now. I don’t feel guilty about much, but the failure in the card department (especially the people that mean a lot to me), fills me with anxiety and dread. It’s not all the time, sometimes I master getting it all together – writing something meaningful in the card, selecting a good, thoughtfull card, mailing it in time. But there are enough “dropped balls” in that department, that I would say it is one of the most stressful things in my life. Even your description of the struggle of what to write, other than a banal “happy birthday” etc. was what I experience. It seems weird that writing in a card would cause so much stress – so thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing that. I am starting to have a much better understanding of myself since stumbling cross Tania’s blog over a year ago now and then seeking a diagnosis (which I received 2 weeks ago).

    I wonder if part of my problem is my desire/need to make sense of things? In so doing, I peel back the layers until I find the foundation pieces of truth, and then I work my way back, putting the pieces into a logical order. I try to share the logic with others, because once I have figured out some of the logic, everything starts to make sense. I try to stay open minded and not bombastic or intransigent, however, when someone tries to suggest something that is illogical, I will very patiently try to get them to understand why I think they need to view things from another perspective. There is no point in rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

    I am 45 and am finally starting to feel a level of self confidence that I have never felt before. I have always had to make sense of things in order to feel peaceful or calm, so from a very young age I tended to be a bit of a maverick. Not because I was trying to be difficult, but because I had to figure it out, if what others told me as “truth” did not make sense. In my early 20’s at work, I was literally rocketed into positions of leadership because I was able to envision the way forward for new ways of thinking and organizing in my field (arts & cultural). I often felt like an imposter because while the way forward seemed so clear to me, most of my colleagues were smarter, more articulate, much older and had a better grasp on the corporate history and lingo of my field. Also I am not great at public speaking. I am much better in discussions one-on-one. In fact, it is during discussions that I can often think my way through problems most creatively. As a result of not being the most effective communicator of my ideas, and yet being valued by those around me enough, that I have always been trusted and deferred to for the “big picture” ideas – its taken me a long time to believe in myself as a leader capable of envisioning the future direction of an organization/ or field.

    I should probably sign off here as it is late. Thank you again for your really helpful responses.

  199. Tania, I found your blog last night and this description has changed my life. I had ‘investigated’ the possibility that i had aspergers before but it never really fit. When i read your description so much of it describes me. I shared the link with my husband and he says he now understands me. I am 50 and have never been diagnosed with any condition or syndrome. I feel reborn today. Thank you so much.

  200. I turned 27 in November, and… for a while my mother had been thinking that I have Asperger’s. However, I scoffed at that and so did a few others, including mental health professionals, because I am exceptionally good at one on one social interactions. This whole profile describes me so perfectly it’s scary. Ironically, almost, the field I thought I would find a career in two or three years ago was Occupational Therapy, I have a BA in Sociology, a minor in Spanish, and graduated in 2009. Occupational Therapy was not for me because programs will not accommodate or understand difficulties that students with Asperger’s will have because my public program which was an extremely competitive Master’s program had a one size fits all approach. Also, the field completely exhausted me and would likely be something I would have found myself stuck in. I am now looking for something more suitable, let’s hope I have a career when I hit 30!

    1. Also, are there any tests or assessments or specialists in the Los Angeles/Orange County area that you can recommend?

  201. so I copied the article into word then highlight the stuff I related to and then posted the highlight stuff into this post, basically I can relate to a lot of this stuff it so me. Never been diagnosed but looking into it. It would explain a lot of stuff. Talk to my therapist and she mentioned getting a psychological assessment if this is true I cant believe Ive been in and out of psych programs for 8 years and no one picked this up. Got labelled with borderline personality disorder and I think that lead people to stigmatize me and not look at anything else.

    1. Sadly that happens to a lot of women – falsely labelled with borderline personality disorder, then so called “professionals” just shoehorn all their behaviours to try and force them to fit the bpd label – even normal healthy behaviours get twisted to try and fit the label. And if you dare question the diagnosis? they try to twist that and say your “denial” just “proves” you have it.

  202. Hi, do you have an email, where people may write you privately? In addition, what tips do you have for females with this for work/career situations. Often in adult work situations there still exist the cliques, gossip and other things that one normally associates with grade school and successfully dealing with those issues can affect one’s career.

      1. I would love to speak with you privately, as well, and pick your brain a little more. This list has come as such a shock to me, I’m not exactly sure what to do about pursing a diagnosis (or not) and moving forward with this new information. I am who I am and will always been, diagnosis or not but this new information is a bit of surprise (and a little freeing, I suppose).

  203. I have never officially been diagnosed with Aspergers but I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, etc. over the years. Reading this was amazing. My middle son was diagnosed with Aspergers last April and I’m pretty sure my father and brother are most-likely undiagnosed Aspies, as well. Occasionally, when I’m being quirky or oversensitive or unable to cope with change, etc., my husband will joke, “Are you sure YOU don’t have Aspergers?” So I decided to research it and this list was SOOO me! I look forward to reading your book and seeing if I can start to make sense of who I am.

  204. Omg…im 27 this year…diagnosed with adhd in 1994. Was put on medications for it and I discontinued in 2003 as I was in high school and felt embarrassed about to other pupils. But I was in denial and conviced myself and my doctor I was ready to ween off and after a few last sessions I had him and including myself in a slight was…I was “normal” …worst thing ever…I started to fail at everything but turnt a blind eye and conviced myself its that I was ok and normal. .. ( knew I wasnt as near as focused when I was on my adhd meds) ….long story short…..I have been failing at everything till this day…I have nooo friends as I have kept cancelling due that I have anxiety and depression…oh and I think I was crazy and after reading this I know im a empath, sometimes psychic, see spirits and very intuitive! !! I can read people pretty will and know how they feeling…but this happens occasion ly as when im so stress I just wont me time…I could go bloody on but I have like 90% of every symptom and believe me or not I think my intuition psychic whatever finially brought me here…it was by accident and so the world that I never seen or heard of aspeianwomen and thought I need to click on the website…started bloody crying because most symptoms are bloody dead on…but once I saw that cant find herself a identity 🙁 im stuck on what career path to go on…and I actually thought I had lost my mind with seeing spirits and freakishly right intuition and not know why…thought I was crazy! ….hiw the hell iam I going to explain this tomy doctor. ….im.not coping now and im scare that I wont get time to myself to figure me bloody out…:(

  205. Whew! So many symptoms and characteristics listed. I think one could take this list and diagnose almost anyone with a pulse as being Asperger. My confidence in the ability of psychologists to effectively deal with people who are different is zero at this point. My efforts as an Asberger female are focused on breaking down the wall of prejudice and myth imposed on individuals who have a type of brain processing that is literal and detailed – scientific. Intelligent females take a beating in our hyper social culture. Society imposes dire restrictions on asocial individuals.

  206. I’ve never heard anything like this! It’s 100% me!!!!! I’m headed for a major meltdown! As I see myself and my oddness too closely now. And have a hard time accepting the people around me that are showing there care and empathizing with me. It freaks
    Me out!
    I hurt to much and if they really see me as hurt as I really they will decide it’s too much and too long and they will leave me as everyone I have ever known has. I cannot take it again!!!!!
    The thought of people seeing this makes me sooo embarrassed. I’d rather not live that let anyone see how I feel. I want to kill myself but I believe it’s selfish and will hurt the people around me. I want to work and get out and have a normal life but I’m not sure I can. I’m too scared! I’m too hurt, I’m too afraid. I try yoga and breathing and positive thinking and message and the gym. My posture. But I can’t hold it in anymore. As much as I try. I can’t let it go because it’s too much. People just don’t get that!!!!!

  207. thank you tania for all this effort. My self-assessment puts you 100% in line with these traits. It is actually rather scary that I went an entire lifetime (now 67) exhibiting a screaming need for but lack of qualified medical input and appropriate support — what about all those women around me having similar experiences? Keep up the good work and don’t give up now!

    I would like to add another dimension (work for another day Tania). I do not know whether this is a result or a cause effect, but I also had a traumatic birth brain injury, a life-changing electrocution at age 3, numerous high fevers, multiple TBI’s, and multiple toxic chemical exposures (which has now caught up with me in the form of cancers) and high-level systemic infections with mysterious bugs, super-bugs, and gram-negative bugs (same class as HIV, Lyme) which also meant too much exposure to too many “experimental” and harmful drugs. Of course, the label of PTSD was stuck on me long before it surfaced for the Vietnam generation. The co-existence of so many other neuro deficits and medical crises clouded the picture, and this diversion into psychiatry is no doubt a major reason why my AS was never recognized. Still, this leads me to my next point of information…..

    Many of us older people on the spectrum also have PTSD and TBI’s. I think the total number is way more than is realized by researchers like yourself, partly because by the time we are older, we have learned to live with it and perhaps never got diagnosed in the first place. Think about this: the recent awareness campaign going on about children’s sports alone, portends a large population of TBI sufferers down the road. No one ever considered childhood head-hitting as an example of my TBI’s, and there was spousal abuse, drunk drivers, and simply the number of years makes the incidences add up. People just do not like talking about this – not the sufferers or the perpetrators. My own son unknowingly damaged his own infant by rocking her to sleep with vigorous exercise ball bouncing. The problem of TBI has to figure in to the symptomology AS women exhibit and in my case, as I went down your list, I realized maybe 1/2 of those listed, had always been attributed to brain injury. I realize this is impossible to separate out, but at least it could help to calculate the reason why so many of the symptoms I experience are so extreme. I already know one of my TBI’s damaged my amygdala, who is to say where the line is? What does this mean to the formation and progression of AS symptoms when we also know dementia is accelerated in TBI victims as they age. This accelerated cognitive decline process going on in me right now could also contribute to the progression of cancer in my body. I am in the process of trying to get a pitifully inadequate Medicare system to help me nail it all down before the next round of cuts for the poorest Medicare-Medicaid recipients (me) kicks in later on this year.

    Well, this is really a long way around a sincere thank you for choosing this area of study for your academic research. I think you have a viable concept for what could be a meaningful lifetime ahead of you. Have you seen the latest report on the relationship between meaning and happiness? What us high functioning AS women already know is this: happiness is an outcropping of one’s ability to make meaning. All we have to do is focus on the realization that our “deficits” are actually our assets. My greatest asset has always been finding meaning in the most painful reality, and bringing that meaning to others produces happiness. It seems you have already realized this. Keep up the good work!

  208. Hello: Gina Rex again. Stopped by to read comments: such similar experiences of being lost for years but now feeling like refuges, escapees, boat people, space travelers, aliens washed up on the shore of a new continent called Asperger Land. I was diagnosed a few months ago after living most of my life diagnosed as bipolar. I’ve experienced the psychiatry – psychology wonderland of general incompetence for 46 years, and not to discourage anyone from getting help, but please don’t believe everything your are told just because someone with an office and diploma says it’s so. Be wary! There is a boatload of non-scientific speculation out there with “researchers” claiming to have definitively established what Aspergers is. A lot of self-promotion is going on, with studies being tested in the media for popularity rather than scientific merit.

    Hard scientists (physics, math, chemistry) have traditionally joked that psychology is not a science: after accessing hundreds of psychology papers and articles over the last few months, I wholeheartedly agree, and yet the general public tend to believe that it is science. NO.

  209. I know a guy with Asperger’s and he has a freshness and brilliance to his creativity which I love and which is very much in line with my own creative style. I likewise find socialising and small talk incredibly difficult if there is no visible productive end in sight, I tend to act out with anger when I sense hypocrisy, lies or creepiness. I did wonder about Aspergers a while ago but someone said I couldn’t possibly have it as I tended not to remember lists of things (although I did as a child). To be honest I hesitate to diagnose myself and tell myself I do not have a problem, since many others often feel the same way and it is probably a reaction to the intrusive over communication of modern society. I am nearly 40, I look at my middle-aged peers and they all seem weird and patronizing to me, so I have little inclination to socialize with any of them, I just don’t have time for it. Believe me I have been through years of wondering what was “wrong” with me and the answer is:nothing. That goes for a number of other people too, and is quite hard for them to accept, I think.

  210. I’m 39, lesbian, see myself as 50/50 boy/girl, I’m an artist (self-taught musician, arranger, singer), they say “you could be a star” and I say “I just can’t do what it takes to”, I’m a loner but a decent pretender when I’m in the right mood, socially I’m quite disfunctional, I was a “strange” child, with peculiar hobbies for my age and strange behaviours… I have many obsessions and things that I feel like I can’t do, what’s perfectly tolerable for others is intolerable for me, what others find amusing I find stupid/ boring, I hate noisy celebrations (New Year’s Eve, Carnaval…), I hate money and I never pay (my gf pays instead of me, she has access to my bank account, she’s actually in charge of all my financial needs), I can’t do paperworks and fill forms, I never understand where to go and what to do in public offices, airports, health centers etc., I don’t recognize places, cities and streets and I don’t drive because it’s too hard for me), I have rules for myself that I stick to rigidly, I am a vegan, work out hard, seek perfection in myself and always try to educate others, when I’m in public places I don’t touch anything, when I’m in crowded places I hate having people close to me and I think about their breath and germs, I always need fresh air, hate it when people close windows… I’m a leader, people tend to follow me, things must be done my way, I can’t accept authority, can’t take orders/advice, had trouble all my life in school and work, I’m a bridge burner in friendships, friendships tipically start like infatuations and end bitterly, I’m not afraid of changes because I always hope that they’ll make me a different person and that I will overcome my issues so I need frequent fresh starts (I’ll change city, country, work, look…).
    I’m starting to think that my twin brother and I are both Aspies, and that my father was one. I’m going to do what it takes to get a diagnosis for me. I’ve been different all my life, so gifted and yet so lacking, I was always the black ship and that’s why I always dress in black. When I came across this Asperger thing just two days ago, I cried… for the first time I find myself and everything makes sense, it’s hard to face it but that’s so me… okay, the journey has just started. I hope that where I live somebody will be able to diagnose me.

    1. Your post really touched me. I won’t respond to everything you said because it is just so much and I can relate to it all. Finding this community has saved me. I finally can begin to understand myself after a lifetime of wandering and self doubt. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know who I am. Not sure where I’m going with that, but it’s a start. After the euphoria I felt when I finally understood, I’ve come to realize it’s a lonely path. But that’s nothing new, really. It’s always been a lonely path. At least I don’t feel like I’m crazy anymore.

  211. Hi Tania,
    Wow…your article has answered so many questions about me; my social difficulties, work problems, even my lifelong ‘tic’ of picking at my pinky finger. How do go about getting a formal diagnosis?

  212. Thank you so very very much for writing this article. I’ve always felt that I didn’t fit in, didn’t feel drawn to the same interests as others, and didn’t “click” with other people. I had read the usual explanations of the symptoms of Asperger’s, and it didn’t seem to fit me at all. Then I read you list, and all but four of the items had me in tears of relief, because FINALLY someone understood. Finally things that had confused and frustrated me all my life made sense.

    I made an appointment with a psychiatrist a week after I read this article, and had my appointment today. It’s official: I’m a Aspie who’s learnt to compensate and mimic so well that I show very few signs outwardly anymore at all, even when I’m wilting on the inside. I finally know that it isn’t that I’m not trying hard enough. It’s that I’m different, and the only reason I’ve fitted in so well is because I’ve tried so goddamn hard all these years. I’m now so proud of everything I’ve managed to cope with and accomplish on my own, rather than being ashamed that I can’t or won’t do things others will.

    I’m so relieved to finally understand why I see and experience the world differently, and why I don’t want the same things the rest of my family do. I may be different, but I prefer to think of it as special. And now, if either of my nieces or nephews show the same signs I did, I’ll be able to understand them and help them the way I wish I was helped when I was a kid.

    Again, thank you so much. I’m not sure you realise how many people you’ve not only helped by doing this, but possibly saved.

  213. I read this post a few months ago and was really in tune with it. I know many girls who are so like the descriptions you posted. I wish science, the public, and big name autism charities would stop ignoring the females with autism. They think, feel, and look just like any other female, and I honestly do not believe there are four boys with autism for every girl. That notion is subsequent to the neglect of autistic females.

  214. Hi Tania,
    I’m just shy of my 49 birthday. I’ve always known I was sort of ‘wired’ differently while able to manage, cope, grow and develope a rather ‘normal’ appearing life. As a mother of 4, I recognized my children were also wired differently. About 5 years ago my oldest daughter’s father was diagnosed with Aspergers. I just found your article because I had suggested to my daughter the potential for her to also have these challenges in life due to aspergers. She took an online test which with her defended answers came up negative. She is 24 and today she goes to her first 12 step group for Meth addiction. Coincidences are interesting because in my own counseling the focus yesterday was about vulnerability. Coping skills seem to be about reducing those and I see from your list that I have learned to develop many! (this morning that seems like an understatement) I just didn’t expect to find this whole page to almost fit me to a tee. Thing is, taking on a persona which I present to the world has equaled mostly success in many areas in my life. I’ve no interest in groups still but did find a shared interest during raising my kids with other moms/parents. Thank you so much. I’m going to print this out for my daughter to consider. And also to take to my counselor as my main question is wether my true ‘me’ inside can ever grow up, so to speak. People sometimes see I have the demeanor of a 12 year old, or I go places with my daughter and they think I’m 24 like her. Once a store clerk thought my grown son was my boyfriend. My daughter is the most ‘chamelian’ personality I have ever met too. In exploring my smoking habbit, I’d never before considered that the self soothing could mainly be linked to overwhelm from visual/audio sensitivity which has only been an issue since my nervous system crashed with CFS/ME symptoms which at the root was just discovered to be MTHFR. I found I don’t ‘fit in’ even with spiritual groups where I’ve learned so much from a teacher with a Zen Buddhist background, although he doesn’t directly teach that. I try to connect with groups as humanly speaking its presented as healthy but when I find I don’t fit in I’m able to accept that but still explore my part in that to understand more rather than to blame others.

  215. Hello, I fit a lot of the things above, and have been told by a psychologist that it seems I have autism. I live in leeds, what is the easiest way I could go talk to someone, n maybe get a diagnosis if needed?
    Cheers ellie

    1. Hello: There is much more to the abuse question than sexual harassment. Many of the so-called symptoms of Asperger’s, are nothing more than social judgments on the part of the social majority – trying to blame Asperger’s for any “general” behavior is unfair and ridiculous.

      Society is a pyramid – and all social people are fighting for status. It is assumed that males automatically have higher status than any female, and part of their social position is secured by abusing women. Words are more often used instead of physical abuse in “civilized” situations like work. When I began working as a young woman, in an office made up exclusively by men, I was utterly shocked: these were nice family guys who degraded their wives and women in general. Being Asperger’s actually was a plus: I simply did not put up with any of it, and they quickly backed off. I think the mistake women make is this: the social pyramid exists and equality is not a part of the social system – in fact, equality is a lie: you’re not going to change most males; you have to react quickly and emphatically. It’s still a male-controlled world and will remain for the foreseeable future. All the PC education, training men to be ‘sensitive,’ law suits, etc. will not work – these just reinforce the male view that women are weak and need someone to fight for them.

      The entire social environment went against my Asperger temperament and values, so I took a big financial loss and left the corporate nightmare and started working for myself. We all have choices to make – and that requires being realistic.

  216. When suffering from social phobia (the after effects of gender harassment in an all male work place) I joined an online forum for it. I was not the only person to notice just how many of us there had an unusual sexuality -everything from asexuality to potential transgenderism. I ‘knew’ someone there who confessed to being a cross dresser, and I suspect he is an early candidate for transexuality.

    Like me he admitted to being able to relate to the opposite gender within one self -I felt I could think and feel very much like a man. Yet I don’t identify as homosexual or as transgendered.

    One thing I wonder is whether certain American Indian tribes are more sophisticated and intelligent in their acceptance and understanding of both in between genders as well as potentially ‘aspergers’ or autism it self.

    I think I remember reading how they considered certain in between genders (sometimes called “two spirits”) as gifted. I think sometimes they may have been seen as shaman.

    Overall, I feel very world weary. …Bad luck has for sure wreaked havoc, since early sexual harassment in my working life (which happened for more than a few reasons) has impacted my working life for over a decade afterwards. I may have always had anxiety problems, but I find that these do tend to go away once I have gotten used to a set of people. I have never gotten a true foot hold -and much of the reason is because of early bullying. When a young person misses out on work experience it affects their income and working life significantly -but I was also bullied and developed social anxiety disorder/PTSD as a result (and I am just not adaptive enough to get over daily harassment -and yet most women would suffer a lot from this).

    I feel a lot of delayed anger because, whilst I had immaturity and was prejudiced, I did not behave in a way that warranted such viciousness -nor such callous, deliberate indifference from the manager -who, despite the clear laws, pretty much wanted me to be bullied. And, in keeping with it all, I showed more generosity and integrity than that manager or that harasser ever did. -But then I was the abused not the abuser.

    So, although I consider my self as likely having Aspergers, perhaps somewhat subclinical, I do not believe that the so called neurotypical person is necessarily more decent. Deceptive and better at hiding, yes. I also noticed that I was derisively labelled as “a lesbian” by this manager – again, based on a all too narrowminded appraisal of gender and inability to empathise with the feminine point of view. The harasser, I actually suspect of having asperger tendencies, including both a dire lack of empathy for a female opinion that did not fit his small framework for how women “should be” in relation to his excessively fragile and sensitive ego; as well as being less socially adept than most people and/or preferring fewer socializing- he also hung out with a Chinese person and I suspect that generally speaking, Asian people show more “asperger’s” like traits (or introversion) -just as Western American societies are unfairly biased towards extroversion. He also, tellingly, reminds me of my father -who I believe lacked empathy for a female opposing point of view.

    I guess what I am saying is is that I dislike how difference can be unfairly targeted -just as I was targeted for being seen to defy gender role stereotypes (it was perfectly acceptable for a man to have some prejudice, but as a female, I was not allowed to have any such imperfection and was targeted daily, culminating in a subtle threat of sexual assault).

    I also believe that some narrowminded social ineptitude is tolerated or acceptable, when the majority of neurotypical individuals relate well to that same narrowminded social ineptitude. …Or, that the world is based on small differences.
    The great unfairness of which is that some people fall through the cracks whilst others, no different or more deserving, are spared or humored.

    It is enough to make a person throw their hands up in bewilderment and shock at just how meaningless and random everything ultimately is. And how dumb and full of illusions or BS people are the majority of the time.

  217. This is like reading a list of my life. I’m 21, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s almost two years ago, although I grew up knowing it was a definite possibility, as my father and brother also have Asperger’s. My brother presented with more of the classic symptoms, and tended to have outbursts rather than turning inward as I did, so he was diagnosed as a young child and I was left without the diagnosis that could have made a huge difference in my early development and education. It’s great to see a list like this that can help people find that diagnosis sooner.
    I still have difficulty describing how Asperger’s impacts my life to other people (especially clinicians who are treating me for mental illness and don’t have much knowledge of Asperger’s), so this list will be really helpful for me! I had also never heard of Irlen Syndrome before, but it perfectly describes the problems I have with vision and light sensitivity.
    Thank you so, so much for the work that you do, and for helping me to feel less alone. <3
    Kinnery

  218. Oh shit. I am 31 years old and I JUST TODAY figured out most of these symptoms describe me to a T. Huh. How about that.

  219. Thank you so very much for your work in this field. I am 60 and a retired psychologist. It is only in the last month I am putting it together that I may have Asperger’s (which of course is no longer the correct diagnosis given the DSM-V, but for discussion sake I will use the word). Reading your article has me in tears as does the comments. I can relate to pretty much all the points you mention. I worked for the military and the fit was terrible for me, thus I ended up medically retiring because my body eventually crashed in that environment. I kept trying, trying until I nearly killed myself-I didn’t see quitting as an option. I read these characteristics and they make so much sense as to why things might have been difficult for me or I created difficulties for myself without necessarily being aware of the whole picture. The sad part is even if I had known I don’t think in that environment anything would have changed, but maybe I could have exited before I destroyed all my self-efficacy about so many areas of my life that I have been unable to regain even 7 years later. I so wish you practiced in the US. I live in Texas and have gone to a couple therapists here to talk about my concerns as of late about possibly having Asperger’s and they look very quizzically at me. And just want to say I’m depressed and move on. To me that hurts even more because it’s not getting at the deeper issue. I live alone with my 17 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD, but I think there must be more and we are having very intense relational difficulties. Breaks my heart. Well this forum is not a therapy session, so I’ll stop. Once again thank you for expanding the field. Maybe there is not help out there for me, but hopefully other women will find the help they need much sooner do they don’t feel so lost and alone in life wondering what they are doing so wrong when all they ever wanted to do was the right thing every time. Once we have the theory down about women and Asperger’s , I pray there will be some pioneers in treatment. And treatment that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. I live on Social Security Disability. Mental HeLth treatment in the US costs way to much, so people quietly suffer and we (all people) miss out on some wonderful gifts of those who are suffering because they cannot get the help they need.

    1. Dear Christina, thank-you for your comments. I am just now starting to write (along with my co-author Dr. Jennifer Imig Huffman, who lives and practices in Illinois) a book entitled,
      “Assessment of Autism Spectrum and Asperger’s in Females: Comprehensive diagnostics and treatment planning for girls and women with autism spectrum conditions across the lifespan”. Hopefully this will be the beginning of addressing the issues, life events and experiences you went through. I am also starting a directory of professionals and support groups around the world. I do know of specialists in New York, Illinois and some other areas. Maybe this would assist you? Kind Regards, Tania

      1. Tania, thank you for your response. Your new book on assessment sounds wonderful. I live in Texas, quite far from NY and IL.

      2. I am creating a worldwide directory, so hopefully someone in Texas May come forward soon! Or you could see if those people offer online services? It all depends on who the professional is and what their governing body allows them to do.

  220. Hello Tania and everyone else here. On reading your article this evening, I discovered that I may be an Aspienwoman. I had my slight suspicions which is what prompted me to read your article in the first place. I am 39, but look about 25, whilst feeling like a teenager. I seem to have gone down a similar path to several girls here.
    The fist ‘odd’ thing I can remember is that on my first day of school, I felt ‘superior’ the other children there. I felt like I was many years older than them and was trying to look after them as it was their first day and they were only little.
    The first obsession I can remember is with the colour red. I coloured in several Bumper Colouring Books with just red crayons. Once a teacher changed my collage from pure red to multicoloured before putting it on the wall. This lasted until I was about 7, until the ridicule from the other children and the telling off from the teachers made me stop. I was still obsessed with red though, having to be in the Red Team in PE and requesting red shoes up until about the age of 11.
    I remember my first ‘brain fog’ moment at 5, whilst sat at my table in school. I went into another world for a minute or so and found it mentally tiring to bring myself back. It was like this: all the noise merged into muffledness and was replaced by a high pitched sound. My eyes glazed over and I couldn’t stop staring at the world outside the window. I totally lost sense of what I was doing, almost like I had a sudden sense of realisation, but at a the same time, I felt a little anxious because everything felt unreal.
    Anyway, I will compact the rest as this seems a little self indulgent.
    All through school I was disruptive, ‘naughty’, stifled, I struggled with Maths greatly, but had a reading age of 14 when I was 7. I excelled in English, Dance, Music, Performing and was obsessed with maps. I won a scholarship to receive free violin lessons when I was 7 and I was the 2nd fastest girl in my county around the same age.
    I became what I thought was ‘depressed’ around the age of 10. I cried for no reason. I became incredibly self conscious, anxious and found interacting with peers awkward. HIgh School was a waste of time. I went from the top set in the first year to being moved down 4 bands by the second year. All previous school problems magnified and subsequently I ended up attending 3 high schools in all and having to repeat a year.
    I ignored my teachers advice to do A-levels and went to the local technical college to do Performing Arts, I loved everyone. I had some things in common with them, although obviously not everything. I left home at 17, experimented with drugs and became pregnant all in the space of a few months. Consequently, I quit college and ended up in ‘bedsit land’ with a man who wasn’t the child’s father.
    Anyway, resilience is one of my strong qualities and whilst I spent nearly every single night crying over my situation, I slowly managed to pull myself out of it. Two and a half degrees later and having taught for 13 years, I am now In a job similar to some others on here, whilst at the same time finding this ‘normal’ life extremely stressful for all the reasons everyone else has been describing. And now, having cried at your article (something I rarely do as it serves no purpose), I feel like although I have a great job which I am extremely grateful for, there is a part of me that just wants to do what I like.
    I love art, architecture, music, learning new things and am obsessed with keeping fit. I feel like when I do these things, I am so alive. My current life has zapped the life out of me. I feel like I have lost my personality and that because I have ‘played the game’ for so long, I don’t know whether I would have the energy to ever do anything about it. I don’t think a diagnosis would help me, but my self diagnosis has certainly explained my whole life to me. Apologies for the life story.
    Sarah X

    PS: HIstory is repeating itself. My daughter, studying Law in London struggles greatly with organisation – not great in Law – and is the Queen of mimicking to be accepted, to the extent where she has changed her Northern accent to a Southern one.

    1. Dear Sarah, thank you for your insightful message. I do agree that resilience is a superpower for quite a few on the Spectrum. I have seen it in many people. Take care, Tania

    2. you know, all these stories I keep reading add more to my conviction that the networking and support function is so much more important and impactful than an official diagnosis. I hear myself in every rendition, cry for us all, and have to ask: why can’t society learn how to accept different people better? The same idea continues to come to me: I believe people on the spectrum are here as teachers; some are more ready than others to learn, and the hardest thing for people to do is to look at themselves as they are. This aspie’s focus on self-understanding, self-evaluating, self-correcting, and self-formation makes us better at acceptance than the population as a whole. The world needs all the Aspies it can get.

  221. Hi Tania,
    Thank you for putting this information out there. I used to date an Aspie and knew some of this information, but not to this extent. This is extremely informative and useful information; my relationship would have benefited greatly from it.

  222. Wow. I had never thought I might be on the Autism spectrum until I read Jen Saunders’ recent blogpost and followed her link to this list. There are bits that don’t fit, but this sounds so much like me. I just always thought I was an introvert and a weirdo! Thank you so much for your work.

    I do have a question, which is in what ways can/does an Aspie diagnosis help women in adult life? Is it just about self-understanding, or are there specific healthy coping mechanisms and routes to letting our superpowers shine that can be learned?

    1. Dear life can sparkle, there are many more reasons to seek a formal diagnosis than not and too many to list here. Briefly, knowledge and understanding, understanding your unique profile, learning to manage stress and anxiety, learning what gifts/superpowers one has and how to harness them, learning healthy coping mechanisms and strategies, learning how to manage sensory sensitivities, and much more! All the best! Tania

  223. Do you know of any one in the Halifax NS Canada area or the Boise ID area who does assessments/diagnosis of Asperger. Your article resounded so fully with me I just sat and cried and thought that maybe my 60 year plus years of being labeled unpleasant, awkward, difficult, antisocial etc weren’t true and that really I have Asperger. It would just be nice to know,

      1. Am I correct in thinking you do diagnostic type assessment Tania? And if so, how would we contact you? 🙂 Thank you.

  224. Thanks for this list. My son was diagnosed with Asperger only this year. Due to many other problems in my life i attend psychotherapy, but never imagined i can be Aspie too. Yesterday being on phone with my love i was silently crying because of feelings i couldnt understand. I love him so much, but i just cant let out of me these feelings. Something in me just broke and i realised that this could be autistic traits. And section 5 gave the answer “Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write her thoughts much better” 100% about me. And many other things too.. What will i do with that, i dont know, first of all i need to help to my son. I am coping quite well with this, i have child, love, friends, succesfull career in science, and so on. But many things that i was always suprised of myself is explained by Asperger syndrome.

  225. I have been left feeling a bit shattered for the last 3 weeks when i found out i was dancing on the autism spectrum with an IQ in the 99th percentile. I have gone in to seeking mode with a vengeance as i feel i have lost what makes me who i am on the inside.
    The info and lists above are great as they help me feel more normal and it explains a hell of a lot to be honest. At first all i saw was another label being attached to me and pushed it away as much as i could as it hurt as i don’t want to be different or stand out.
    I’ve been working with myself and now am starting to see it’s ok and this collection is what makes my story and me well me really (including the anxiety and depression parts)
    Wish i could have know this during my 38 years as it would have helped….however now i know i can go forward stronger and less chameleon like.

  226. I feel like I might be insulting my mental health doctor, but I printed this entire article and highlighted what was relevant to me (which was just about everything – eek) with notes about certain statements. She just isn’t understanding me or wanting to ask the right questions, so I’m hoping this will help a LOT.

    Fingers crossed.

    (I didn’t even know some of these things could be related to my Aspergers. I thought they were normal and everyone did them.)

  227. My mum showed me this and I felt I really can relate to a lot of the traits however I am slightly worried about the section on university. I am in my late teens but I am confident in what career I would like to pursue. My question is: is dropping out of university and reapplying a common thing? Or are there cases of this not happening?

  228. Curious to hear from others – have you had a lot of “why didn’t you tell me?” moments. Times when someone comes to you because a situation at work, in a relationship, etc has reached the point where it is difficult or at risk (i.e. you are in danger of getting fired) and you had no idea, were blithely going about your business/life, and had received no feedback from others that things were not just fine. Wondering if this is because I am not as adept at nonverbal social cues or sensing what others need or want from me in a given situation as an NT person. After I get hit over the head with the information I need I am able to adapt usually “save” the situation but wondering if others have had these “Why didn’t you tell me”
    moments where the reply is often “you really didn’t know?”

  229. I am wondering whether people who test INFJ on the MBTI find that they personally identify with many of these traits. cheers and thanks for this list, made my day!

  230. Oh My God!! Thats all i can really say!! im crying right now! My son is 4 and just diagnosed with PDD-NOS and ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and im 27. I feel lost everyday. I cant hold a job, i cant get myself to try. Im smart, i have an education, i just CANT do it… I printed this list and highlighted all the ones i feel. lets just say, the whole thing was pretty much highlighted and im making an appt tomorrow. Not sure with who but, I need to find myself. Im a single mom with ADHD, going through a divorce, I have an 8 year old with ADHD and a 4 year old with PDD and ADHD. I feel like a child myself! This is the VERY first article i’ve found that has given me some sort of positive feeling when trying to get this all figured out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

  231. Wow, finally a list of asperger characteristics in which I can recognise myself!
    I have been diagnosed with AS as a child, but I only know this since a few years ago when I saw it by accident popping up on my GP’s computer screen. It was quite a shock and I didn’t recognise myself, until now, in ANY description of what aspies are supposed to be like. Also, I felt (and actually) feel a strong need to deny something is ‘wrong’ with me.

    But then….I do acknowledge I am really hypersensitive, and quite introvert. Hypersensitive as in that I do feel other people’s emotions even if they try to hide them (tick this box) and when I was younger this cause me problems because I would feel other people’s feelings as strong as my own without being able to distinguish between what was mine and what was other. I also have problems with loud, chaotic evironments and different people trying to talk to me at the same time. When my ex brought me to a party in his family, and I was confronted with a big buzzing room full of strangers, I first went to play their piano (I love music) and then went on to make friends with their cat. Hardly social behaviour but I just couldn’t mix in and talk to this room where everybody knew each other safe for me.
    When I worked in a school for a time I had a big nervous breakdown from exhaustion with the noise and constant emotional demands that kids produce. I stopped being a teacher and am now working on my PhD in medieval literature.
    Working on a PhD, doing research, planning my day the way I feel it and customise my timetable to my needs (sometimes I just need a day of working at home because I need the quiet) and the social life university offers suit me very well. Even if I had to move abroad for a second time and meet all these new people….If I’m an aspie I can see now why moving abroad again was so extremely challenging – my whole routine and way of life got shaked up. I have been feeling tired for weeks now, just because of the newness of it all.

    There is one thing I missed in the list, or maybe I didn’t read it well, or it is just a personal quirk: really, REALLY hating unexpected visits or calls from neighbours. Here in the UK, where I live now, people seem to feel entitled to call on your house or phone at any time they seem fit for chitchat. This may kill a part of my day, just because I experience it as destabilising to be ‘attacked’ by social chitchat demands when I’m in my own home, doing my own thing. People just come and demand tea..sorry I am ranting now. But does being aspie also come with a strong attachment to personal territory and privacy, and not being able to cope well with ‘surprise’ social calls?
    I hope I don’t sound arrogant when I say that I dislike this too because these people never have anything interesting to say, they just come to talk for the sake of talking. While they tire me out and eat my energy. This evening I got disturbed in meditation (tick spirituality box) and got very vexed. But managed to stay polite and invite my neighbour for tea tomorrow – this kind of visit is more bearable when I know it is coming, and when.

    Does being an aspie mean being antisocial, introvert and unsuited to country life?

    I know I did not paint a very favourable picture of myself here. But this feels like a safe place to say that socializing can be so exhausting….when all I want is to enjoy my free friday evening with my cat, music, and solitary tea, sitting in front of the fire….

    Thank you for writing this list, which is recognisable and also makes me feel less bad about myself.

    1. I also have a very difficult time with unexpected social calls when I am at home. There are times when I just go into another room if I see someone coming up the walk and pretend I’m not at home. It isn’t that I am antisocial at all – I really like people; but I need control over the timing of the interaction. I don’t “switch gears” quickly or happily (internally) if I’m in my own space. I’m not distressed, especially – I just want to be left alone and not be interrupted by social drivel. Does that sound arrogant? Perhaps to some people, but I think I have every right to determine my own rhythm as long as I’m not hurting anyone’s feelings.
      My husband and I do socialize on weekends (planned socializing; going out to dinner with friends, parties, etc.) I often find I have what I call a “social hangover” on Mondays. I feel exhausted, disconnected and crave solitude as a result of sensory overload and having to work so hard to be socially correct and do so much processing to fit in. So I think the things you are feeling are so valid.
      I’ve also been so glad to find this forum. There are so many women here like me and I love being able to just tell the truth without judgement.

  232. Dear Tania, my sister and I suspect our older sister to have Asperger’s Syndrome (we are all in our 40’s, there is approx. 1 year between us 3 girls and we have a baby brother, and she is the eldest). We recently lost our Dad and our Mum passed away in 2000, so we don’t have them to refer to about our sister’s developmental history etc. Would you have any advice as to how to try and get our sister diagnosed, she takes offence at anything we say in relation to her wellbeing and it is very difficult to get through to her, but we are genuinely concerned for her. She lived with my elderly Father and is now living alone in the family home and we are so concerned about her. Any advice/help you could offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and thank you for such terrific and helpful information. Best Wishes.

    1. Dear Martha, thank you fur your message. It all depends on how your sister would respond. Some adults respond well, some take a little time to think about it and others are extremely resistant to the idea. Have you read my female profile blog? Would she look at it if you gave her a copy? Is there an Autism centre near you? Kind regards, Tania

  233. A few days ago I read something about Asperger in women and I’ve been doing a bit of research because I think I might have it, and that would explain a lot. I’ve always felt different somehow. I look physically younger than my age but I think there is something in my behavior too that makes people think I’m under 25 when I’m almost in my 30s.
    As a teenager I’ve been described as being “in my own world”. I wasn’t interested in the same things my friends were. I wasn’t interested in boys until my twenties, or I was, but I didn’t get how things worked. Sometimes I feel that I am slow in understanding how things work, or that I am missing something. For example: I have now read books I did read as a teenager and realized I didn’t really understand them back then. Or I know what being empathic means, but I am not sure if I am empathic or not. I know what it means to be rational/emotional, but if you ask me, I don’t know if I am being rational or emotional. (I don’t know if this makes sense).
    I find it very hard to control my emotions, I busrt into tears whenever I want to be assertive or express my feelings about something, I don’t know why and I can’t avoid it. Sometimes, but not very often, I get nervous and cry about “childish” things.
    I find it really hard to make friends. When I started university I remember realizing everybody except me had a group of friends and wondering how that happened. I find it hard to express interest about somebody (ask them about their day, etc.) but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it, it’s normally the opposite. Now I’ve learnt to do it, sometimes. I used to think this happened because I needed more “practice” with social interaction but now I’ve read about Aspergers I’m not sure about that anymore. Also I’ve always felt uncomfortable/embarrased saying things like “good morning” which I normally replace by “hello”, no idea why.
    Eye contact is hard, I normally look at people’s mouths or in their eyes but “unfocused”. I am aware of this and sometimes try and look in their eyes for a brief second.
    Sometimes I’m misunderstood or appear to be very blunt without meaning it, or “too honest”. I really hate conflict so I tend to avoid it. I remember in some situations in the past (a small fight with a friend and a problem with my health insurance) I arrived home and all I could do was lay in bed, exhausted.
    Sometimes I feel disconnected from friends and family. Like I don’t miss them, care about them or love them enough.
    I struggle with dating, I feel very anxious when kissing or making out even if it’s someone I really like, I have to stop in the middle of it and guys get confused 🙂
    And I feel related to many things in this text, but I find it a bit confusing though, because I don’t have some of the “typical” symptoms: I don’t think my intelligence is above average, I don’t have any learning disabilities, ADHD, OCD, or other syndromes (I do have general/social/health anxiety) and I can read social cues. I know when someone is flirting with me, I have a very ironic sense of humor, I can lie (but I don’t like it) I don’t think I have “meltdowns” or “stim” (I do move my ankle in circles sometimes but I’m not sure that’s relevant), I don’t collect things or have strong routines, I may have special interests but find it hard to pursue them. So I keep telling myself maybe I’m just being an hypochondriac (which I am). Is it still possible to have Aspergers without any of these symptoms? Any insights?

    1. Dear A, thank you for your message. Aspergers at its core is a social difference. You do sound like you may have some hallmark characteristics of female Aspergers, but only a formal diagnostic assessment by a professional trained in the female profile can confirm this. I think that we are in a crisis in terms of female Aspergers because we know that the female profile has similarities and differences to the male profile. We also know that many females are being misdiagnosed and/or under diagnosed. Hope his helps! Kind Regards, Tania

  234. Hi read a great deal today, now really need a support group in my area. Any suggestions?

  235. I have aspergers. I am “psychic”. I didn’t know if that was my heritage showing though. Which is Native American btw.

    My question though is have you observed lefties vs righties in Aspie ladies. In my small circle of other Aspie ladies I know, the majority of us are all left handed.

    The ones who were forced to use right hands seem to be the most socially awkward, whereas those of us whom weren’t forced hide the social awkwardness better.

    Just food for thought. And I related to most everything listed.

    Many blessings,

    Jax

    1. Dear Jax, thank you for your message. I have seen both left-handed and right-handed females. It’s an interesting idea of you pose and I’m not aware of any research in that area. Blessings to you to, Tania

  236. Just found this site, and it is a blessing. Thank you so much for the information and blessings to all the Aspien Women/Girls out there. I’m 74 years now, was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in August of 2010, and I was reborn that day, so I’m actually only 4 years old today, having launched myself anew as an adjusting person, rather than the defective person my environment had convinced me I was. Prior to that day, I was convinced (having tried every type of counselor there is over the years) that the fault lay in me somehow: the way I talked, behaved, the clothes I wore, the things that interested me, to the point that I was convinced people looking at me saw a purple person with yellow spots all over them, but I was unable to see them in a mirror. I remember telling my counselor that I lived in a world where a particular code was used among people, but I alone did not know that code. My counselor said that comment told him that I had Asperger’s Syndrome (its name at that time),and I had done a good job of adapting. I knew then that I had layers of adaptation to look at, review and hopefully discard or improve upon. I’m busily doing that. I get discouraged when my sister, my son or my one friend will tell me that I use the diagnosis as an excuse for my behavior. So I have to educate him and my friend (I have very few–and only one at a time). I grew up on a farm so I had animals for friends, and the beauty/good health of the country all round me. In the past I’ve tried everything to fit in, I’ve let myself be abused because I didn’t know better, I’ve had two marriages (one of 12 years to a sailor my chronological age [who abused me], and one to a 20 year old young man when I was 37 (because we were both actually the same age) for 9 years, I’ve raised one child while I was actually a lost child myself and made many mistakes. There was no one who could help me–my parents and siblings were not understanding or even loving toward me. I was too “different” for them and, it seemed, too different for society to care about. I am finding my way and building a 2nd life for myself–I’m only 4, working on becoming the best adult person I can be, one who has a disability, but is not disabled. Take courage all Aspiens, know that you are not alone, that you are actually our Creator’s Special People, sensitive, loving, caring, gifted, high-functioning, able to inspire others with your lofty minds and tender hearts, sent at this time to bring Planet Earth (as beaten up as it is) to its peak civilization: a beautiful garden inhabited by the most loving creations in this solar system (Indigo Children, Crystal Children, Aspiens, and other Special People). Please don’t be afraid to let your talents be shown. Bless You and Bless Us All.
    from Aspien Bonita on 4-15-14.

    1. Dear Bonita, thank you for your message. I really love how you have approached and think of your relatively new diagnosis of Aspergers. It is never too late to obtain a diagnosis of Female Aspergers and it can bring much understanding and self awareness. Thank you for writing and your positive message! Take care, Tania

  237. I have been searching for well over a year for a better understanding of my partner, where the relationship is rampant with strife I found impossible to understand at times and without a clue as to what was going on – extremely lonely and only knowing enough to know that there was truly a beautiful woman behind what I could only describe as utter madness.

    This is the best, most concise list I have ever run across and can not even begin to say how much I appreciate having it to read and reference.

    Thank you!

  238. Tania, my wife and I have a beautiful daughter who has struggled with anxiety(GAD), depression, and ADD. She possess so many of the traits you’ve mentioned here. She recently returned from college early as she was overcome with anxiety and ended up having a conversion disorder. I was heartbroken seeing her in that condition and sent her home one month early. She did not receive any emotional support as a freshman on a Division II volleyball team, The stress became overwhelming. She’s slowly improved in the area of self-confidence and is about to embark on another journey to a smaller college. We only recent started investigating the possibility she has Aspergers. None of the psychiatrist have diagnosed her because they appear to be using very rigid guidelines. However, my wife and I know our daughter, and after reading this list of traits, we feel confident our daughter has aspergers. Knowing this may be the start of a life long journey into her recognizing and successfully navigating her life. She’s struggled in so many ways. Is prone to strong and sudden emotional responses, is a very literal thinking, and is often lonely. Thank you for this resource.

    1. Dear Chris, thank you for your message. it certainly does like has the hallmark characteristics of female Asperger Syndrome. The number 1 reason for a diagnosis, I believe, is knowledge and self understanding. Take care, Tania

  239. Hi there! Thank you so much for this! With the exception of two or three items, I fit all the criteria. I am near tears and shaking. I’m a 48 year old woman who has been dx differently by nearly ever doctor: bipolar, BPD, dissociative disorder, schitzoeffective disorder bipolar type, depression, PTSD and others. I don’t respond well to medications for any appreciable length of time and even struggle with outbursts of verbal/physical violence. Three years ago I was fined for getting into a fight with a woman because she left her puppy in the car on a hot day while she and her kids ate. I have always been an oddball, considered ‘creepy’ inappropriate, and will behave around new people the same way I do close people making me seem weird. I have moved to a new state and am faced with finding a new psych doctor, which I dread. I often clash with mental health professionals because I intimidate them. They seem to resent how much I know, how much I demand that they not be ‘lazy’ or mainstream about my treatment. I’ve had vindictive LPNs ‘punish’ me by falsifying information to doctors or trying to get me into trouble for being ‘combative’ or litigious in my speech. Mostly because I hate being humored about my treatment or having my intelligence insulted. I worry about finding a professional who will understand the different manifestations of AS in women because I am highly intuitive, do fake my way in social situations, am a gifted public speaker while being a total flop in social interactions involving more than myself and one or two others. I don’t do social circles well at all and often find my mouth getting me into big trouble. I lose more friends than I make, burn bridges thoroughly and beyond repair, much to my later grief. God! I could just go on! I’m so glad I found this today. I have a hope today I’ve been too cynical, bitter and jaded to dare in years!

  240. Thank you for this. I have a 14-year-old daughter who was recently diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. At the time I was skeptical of the diagnosis, thinking she was perhaps a little awkward, but not on the spectrum. After reading this list my eyes were opened. It’s as if someone got into her mind and put words to it. We have really struggled with her over the last few years, and this diagnosis and this resource are helping turn things around. I showed this to her and she was stunned. Hopefully we can find her the tools she needs to cope.

  241. Wow! This is fantastic – thank you. Hopefully the answer to my confusion!

    I have recently scored 135/200 Aspie and 103/200 NT in the Aspie quiz; yet remain more convinced (and relieved) every time I read the list of female Aspie traits that this is me! Your term, “Residual Aspergers” would seem to brilliantly explain these results and my feelings.

    What to do now though? I’m guessing it is impossible to gain formal recognition of this?

    Why the need? To begin understanding myself, to help with self-esteem, to give a reason for difficulties/develop strategies and because I find it hard to accept things that aren’t clarified.

  242. I have read with interest your list of symptoms of aspienwomen, many of which i have, some that I have developed in the last few years (I am over 60). Sounds like a very high percentage of the population might have aspergers. Question: Is aspergers transmitted only genetically (you are born with it) or can you develop it due to circumstances? For example, what happens to people who are in continuous spotlight (movie starts, media, politicians) or those who experience a life time of continuous, invasive scrutiny (twins, people with interesting diseases, suspects etc.). In the digital, internet age with continuing exponential technological inventions, I wonder if more people are going to develop the sort of social disabilities associated with aspergers.

  243. I just found this, which is interesting: “…Currently the rate of ASD diagnosis is 10:1 boys to girls. However, experts in the field including Dr. Tony Attwood, Dr. Temple Grandin, and Jennifer O-Toole believe that this ratio is wrong. They believe the ratio is closer to 4:1 boys to girls. Girls tend to be misdiagnosed or missed altogether because their brain wiring helps them at times be less conspicuous.

    In August of 2013, research by Autism Research Center at the University of Cambridge used MRIs to compare male and female ASD brains. Some notable results of the study include:

    “As expected the tests found that the brain anatomies of females with autism were substantially different when compared to the brains of their male counterparts. In fact a completely different set of regions were implicated in the male autism brain than in female autism brains.”
    “In terms of brain morphology, females with autism look more alike to typical developing males when compared to typical developing females.”
    “So the brain change in females [with ASD] are actually shifting toward typical developing males.”

    Recent research [http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/08/05/asperger-and-autism-brain-differences-found/] has also discovered differences in brain wiring of those who were formerly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when compared to Autism.

    One Teen’s Perspective

    It is easy to see how a female Aspie might have some additional challenges because her brain anatomy tends to develop more like a “neuro-typical” male. This is very important to understand and note that this is not suggesting gender identity issues as far as sexuality, but often secular therapists try to convince female Aspies that they are trans-gender or lesbian simply because there thinking patterns and style of clothing may not be “female neuro-typical” (which can create confusion in the Aspie female)….” http://www.aacc.net/2014/04/03/teens-on-the-spectrum-whats-it-like-to-be-a-girl-with-aspergersasd/

  244. I made an enquiry with a clinic which specialises in Asperger’s syndrome in women – not Tania’s clinic, but one closer to where I live. I ticked the button to express an interest in attending an information night, but, in the text box, I also pointed out a proof reading oversight on their FAQ page: the use of a double negative. Initially they were puzzled by my email as they could not see the error so I replied, spelling it out in detail, and received a reply thanking me for pointing out the error in grammar which ignored my request for information about their information nights. I can only assume that I have offended them. In my mind this was a significant error because it delivered misinformation by, in effect, stating the opposite of what was intended, but the clinic’s employee must have thought I was being rude and impertinent.

    Unfortunately, I am a compulsive proof reader and it used to get me into a lot of trouble at work. I had to send my unique letters to be approved by someone higher up, presumably so I would not say anything to embarrass the organisation, and though I wrote well-written and appropriate letters, the official letter screeners always changed something. It used to upset me that my carefully written letters often came back with copy-and-paste and Spell-check errors which resulted in the incorrect use of words and incorrect sentence structure. I could not bring myself to send them in my name so I would annotate them and send them back and of course they didn’t like an underling pointing out errors to their superior so this did tend to backfire. I survived for 25 years in the organisation because I never did anything for which they could justifiably have sacked me. They tried on a number of occasions to get rid of me for my not-quite-fitting-in behaviour, but I always fought back and hung in there until retirement age.

    I used to think all my shortcomings were cultural or to do with my upbringing and education so it is interesting to read about other women with similar social difficulties and to learn that these behaviours might be hard-wired to some extent. I am sceptical of labels but a lot of these Aspergic traits do apply to me and this also perhaps explains my choice of partners over the years. With benefit of hindsight each one of them had Aspergic traits so this is probably why my relationships did not last – neither of us perceiving the other’s needs accurately or being capable of delivering on expressed needs in spite of the strong attraction which first drew us together. In the case of my most recent partner we have had a platonic, post-relationship, relationship for 14 years in which there is an unspoken bond of loyalty and a frequently-faltering, but on-going attempt to maintain contact and emotional support and improve our interactions which friends and family see as a fruitless waste of time. This must be what on dating sites they call ‘baggage’ or what psychologists would call unfinished business. While often painful and frustrating, it has never seemed like a waste of time to me, but part of life’s journey.

    1. I think we need to remember that “normal” people (ordinary, common, social or typical is more accurate) manage to screw up their lives big time and without our deficits – Where are all these “perfect” people anyway? “Normal” exists solely in the imagination of psychologists.

  245. for better or worse, BINGO! I don’t know what good it will do at age 67, but maybe my adult kids would be a little less judgmental. Isn’t it possible to like romantic comedies, avoid dark situations, be naive, like solitude and nature without it being a “condition’? Seems to describe a lot of women. But then again, maybe it’s why I’ve gone 30 years without a relationship. Well, there was one, for one year with a guy who had aspergers and was OCD. quite a challenge!

    1. I’m 61 and realized, within the past few months, through this blog and Tania’s stunning work, that there is nothing “wrong” with me – I’m an Aspie. I live in a lovely world. I have a veterinary practice and my patients are fantastic. I love the natural world. I love my quietude. I’m a poet and a writer. I live on the beach and waves put me to sleep at night; have a great marriage and wonderful son and grandchildren.

      Do I struggle, also? All the time. Dealings with the “others” presents challenges on a constant basis. I haven’t pursued a definitive diagnosis because I don’t see the point. Insurance isn’t going to cover it and none of the therapists I’ve ever seen could recognize it. And what kind of practical therapy is there, anyway? I know what I am, and now that I do I feel liberated. This is my thing to deal with. It is perfectly acceptable to make my own accommodations within my life to dissuade the kinds of pressures that used to make me frantic. I am figuring out my own coping mechanisms and am beginning to actually feel happy occasionally. I have faith that it will be even better in the future, as I learn to accept myself and design my life to be what I need it to be.

      What I really would like is a dialogue with other Aspie women on a continuing basis – some sort of support group; to have the ability to converse, share experiences and just talk about it. Besides my husband and a dear friend, I haven’t shared this because I think it would just be too exhausting emotionally to try to explain it, not to mention the whole “labeling” aspect. Even now, I get “social hangovers” after I’ve had to function “normally” with others for too long. But that can wait. For now, it’s enough just to like myself again.

      1. Go to autisticwomenscollective.com. It’s a new online community exclusively for women. I think this might be just the kind of discussion group you’re looking for! I’ve joined, though I haven’t had time to post anything yet. I hope to start getting involved soon!

      2. Thank you for the reference. I went to the site and tried to join, and then they asked for a social media connection (to confirm my identity?) and I backed off. I am very uncomfortable with social media – I am on FB, but only for baby pictures,etc. It feels more and more uncomfortable to reveal myself to others. Maybe that’s because I am only beginning to reveal myself to myself and I need time to grok it. But I will continue to explore the site and hopefully find a way to access it in a way that feels safe.

  246. Hi Tania,

    I have very recently started to wonder if I have Asperger’s, but would like to know about the link with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome…?

    I was diagnosed with EDS type 3 in 2012 after a long battle. It was only very recently that I realised how many Aspie traits that I have, after reading an article. I was utterly shocked, having had no idea whatsoever.

    Could you also advise how to approach this with my GP (who is already quite jaded with my many medical issues), and which service I need to be referred to?

    Thank you for doing this valuable research 🙂

  247. I’m interested that you have included “May have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome” on your list. I have a diagnosis of Asperger’s (and I’ve studied autism at university) and have just recently discovered that I also have hypermobility syndrome/Ehlers Danlos Syndrome hypermobility type. From talking to people in hypermobility/EDS support groups both online and in person it seems that quite a lot of people have an Asperger’s diagnosis/a child with ASD/many autistic traits. And in my local autism community almost everyone I’ve met is hypermobile or has EDS! I think the hypermobility may be partially linked to sensory difficulties with proprioception (body awareness) – since I know that I’m not aware of when I’m hyperextending my joints.

    Did you include EDS in your list just because it’s a common condition in the women you’ve met, or are you aware of a clear link that someone has discovered?

  248. Thanks for your post. I sought it out on google when considering difficulties in certain settings, specifically career-related, that continue at 26 despite two degrees. I suppose it helps just to identify with many of these items. Wishing you the best on your endeavors and look forward to updates on your continued research.

  249. Hi Tania, I have just been diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 32. It has been missed twice (once when I was 2 then again when I was 15). I didn’t know about any of this till a break down after being so overwhelmed with a lot of major stuff happening in my life. It was suspected Aspergers but many people dismissed it,including the clinical psychologist who assessed me. However, thanks to your work and screening test, she realised I DID have aspergers. Your work is the only one so far that gives a large amount of info rather than a couple of short bullet points on what is aspergers etc. I’m currently struggling at work with trying to explain to my boss what aspergers is so I’m going to show her this page and hopefully she will have a better understanding after reading it! Thank you sooooo much for all the work you’ve done so far! There seems to be limited info but yours really hits the nail on the head! Thank you! 🙂

    1. Dear Arwen, thank you for your kind words and congratulations!:-) You’re very welcome and I’m so pleased that this has helped you. Thank you for writing to me and all the best. Tania

  250. Dear Tania,

    I just want to say thank you. You have given me such a gift, after a lifetime of self doubt and personal struggle, in helping me understand what and who I am. I so wish I had understood this when I was younger, but nonetheless, this is an exciting place to begin anew.

  251. To everyone who has perhaps unexpectedly come into the realization you are an Aspergers Female, and to Tania: I am a 67 year old female with near 100% overlap of Tania’s (and every other attempt to describe traits of Aspergers) extremely important scholarly study into this emerging awareness happening all over the world. From my perspective, I can now see many undiscussed advantages to this self-realization that is happening in me as well as my peers. In my understanding of How To Live A Life Worth Living, the process begins and is nourished forever, by self-awareness which enables self-analysis, self-correction, self-healing, self-divulgence to others, and ultimately, the capacity to influence others in their quest for Truth. Aspergers individuals have been blessed (and sometimes felt as a curse) with an exceptional self-improvement drive which I think never gets it’s due. As we all know, the primary coping strategy we get good at (to varying degrees, depending upon other personality, social, economic, and cultural factors), could also be described as “super ego,” self-realization, self-integration, or any number of stages and theoretical self-development strategies and skills, is both self-survival in a world that doesn’t support or individual needs, as well as essentially, training in how to grow a healthy Sense of Self from the ground up. It starts with knowing “what is” about our self, working with our Self as we are, starting with an awareness of what we begin with – outside the familial and cultural impressions given to us. This “practice” as the Buddhists call it, can not only help us with our Self, but also with the difficulties we have with people, because it can teach and hone us to Become. “Becoming” is what seems to be missing from all instruction about life and the study of religion, and philosophical theories, and political negotiations in the world reflect this lack of respect for Human contributions to the process of Becoming. It takes a lifetime to impact on our effort toward self-awareness, but the Aspergers person takes on the most challenging school of hard knocks approach available to anyone. Aspergers exposes us to more “opportunities” for growth and expansion of what it means to be Human, than about any other “different way of seeing” perspective which mainstream society likes to label as some form of mental illness. Many times, many of us will react by viewing ourselves as damaged and deficient, and indeed many of us also have co-existing PTSD from traumatic experiences – something also not talked about enough here. Also, many of us experience any of a plethora of co-existing disorders of perception, biology, neurology, psychology, but the question has to be asked, are these just DSM IV or ICD codable diagnoses which reduce what we don’t know to insurance-reimbursable ailments which support the pharmaceutical industry? Consider the inaccurate reaction society gives to differences as the first lesson in knowing and accepting one’s Self – the foundation realization from we we learn how to be in the world. What is told to us is simply put: inaccurate and counter-productive. It is however, an invitation to turn our “deficits” into assets and lays out the exact curriculum from which to organize our lives and work. Go toward the darkness and learn to “see” by your own self-generated light. Then teach others how to do this for themselves. It is people who do not have this Self ability who are destroying the planet and killing one another. Now that I am at the end of a long life of adverse experiences, glorious victories over unimaginable odds, and now, I seem to be entering a period of deep self-appreciation, I want to say to all those out there who might not understand the point of the suffering: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger (thank you Kelly Clarkson) and the actual experience of suffering is the actual training and will reap you many rewards as you go forth. Re-frame conflict and suffering as the Teaching and this mind-set change alone will free up so much psychic energy it is noticeable immediately. It will also speed up your response to what constantly comes at you. It gives you a visible track record of altered response and alternate conceptualization of your Self, which in itself, creates increased energy and skill in Living. Modeling this strengthening of our Sense of Self, which comes when we strive to more fully understand what it means to be a Human Being, with the deepest depth and laser recognition which Aspergers fosters so well, can become a Greater Purpose for our lives as well. I believe Aspergers Women are in the forefront of helping the world fix itself. Self-understanding, knowing our cognitive biases, striving to get along with others based on paying attention to what works, committing to personal psycho-spiritual growth, and being publicly honest about this and recognizing this honesty in others are the exact measures whole countries need right now in order to save the world, the planet, and living things. Clear-minded people with Truthfulness as their light in the world just might save the Human Race. Support the unique perspective of Aspgergers Women and encourage the younger ones to come out of the Shadows. The world needs us like never before. Clarity, transparency, and accurate thinking, hallmarks of the evolved Aspergers Female, are the only currency that could save the planet.

    1. I love what you’ve said. I also think that AS is more of a gift than a disability. Perhaps the disability is not ours, but society’s. Haven’t the gifted and the different always been held at bay? But I also agree with you that the impact of PTSD and it’s relationship to adult female Aspies needs much more discussion, especially for those of us who are older and grew up in more rigid social structures.
      I am 61 and my formative years, growing up in a conservative family, were the 50s and 60s. I tried to be the perfect child, getting straight A’s (not difficult) and memorizing Emily Post. But my mouth always got me into trouble because I would argue with adults and my father was physically violent. There were times I couldn’t go to school because of the bruises. I attempted suicide in my teens by taking every barbiturate I could find in my Mother’s medicine cabinet, but only succeeded in knocking myself out for about 24 hours. Of course, no one called a doctor. Heaven forbid we let out the family secret. My Mother’s remark, when I finally came around was “Well, that was stupid” and it was never discussed again.
      When I found my chance, I left and went away to college, despite my parents’ efforts to keep me home (including the bribe of a new car, which I rejected.) I’ve built a good life, a good marriage, a career I love, and have a wonderful son, daughter-in-law and 2 fantastic grandchildren. But I live with the aftereffects of my upbringing every day. It’s not that I want to. I reject the idea of having a victim mentality. I know it’s all in the past and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have done everything I can do to not allow that pathology to infect my relationships; as a mother, as a wife, as a grandmother. But sometimes it does. A simple argument with my husband can trigger a reaction that is inappropriate. I become terrified and lash out, finally fighting back against the abuse that I couldn’t fight in the past. Or an offhand derogatory comment from my son will send me weeping into the bathroom, feeling like the least worthy person on the planet. I know better than to react that way. These are then people who love me most; but suddenly I am defenseless and vulnerable and unable to control my emotional response. That is PTSD.
      I’ve been in therapy numerous times, but none of them have helped, because I think understanding AS and PTSD at the same time is probably far beyond most therapists, especially in women. Especially in older women. How many therapists today have a clue as to the cultural and social constructs we were subjected to in the 50s?
      Well, I’ve said far more than I intended. But these are the discussions I would love to continue. I am sure there are more of us dealing with these issues than are apparent.

  252. Hello! I posted a comment on this blog a few months ago, Tania, and you had suggested to me that I go speak with a psychologist. Well I did, and sure enough….I got my diagnosis of Asperger’s just yesterday. Thank you for posting this information that gave me the push I needed to get answers. 🙂

  253. Wow, wonderfully put. We do spend our lives trying to understand ourselves and the world we live in, we also have the wonderful ability to never give up and the truth will always be the truth. Maybe we will get the save the world and make it a better place to live.
    Many thanks for your post
    Sharon

  254. Hi, this make sense to me…finally, took 31 years to get here, is hard for me to finish my studies because is not challenging enough or i like other field now, don`t go to class because i can`t get the energy to go and deal with the people there, i know that the material but fail for non-attendance, my parents don`t know what to think of me, they tell me ” you are foolish, lazy or slacker”, and i believe that….thanks for your page, i understand now.

    PD: sorry for the grammar, English is not my native language. I`m from Chile

  255. I cannot begin to express the emotional experience I have just had reading this post. With tears streaming down my face I ticked off at least 95% of the traits you have described and my life for the first time makes some sort of sense. It’s only been because I have begun to walk down the diagnosis path with my children have I thought about myself maybe fitting the profile. It’s come as both a shock and a comfort. I really don’t know where to go from here but will definitely be looking for more research material and any other helpful resources people can offer.

  256. Hi, I am 32 years old, I write from Chile. Thank you, finally I have an answer. Since childhood my parents don`t understand me, it was different from my sisters, tended to hide and when they asked “what you want to be when you grow up”, i used to answered that first i had to find myself, for them it was something funny, to my essential, and just now I have an answer. School was hard for me, when changes occur in my environment or unforeseen situations, out of my control I tend to hide, isolate myself, it is difficult to return to my daily routine after that. To handle this i used to cut myself, just to have a mental break, and be able to focus, to breathe.
    Suffered childhood abuse, and keep quiet because i din`t understand why this happened to me, recently at 27, again I was the victim of abuse, for the first time i could talk about it and start therapy. Now I have to finish a few classes at the University, for my title, but there were changes in the last weeks so went back to hide me, and because I don`t cut myself any longer, is difficult to deal, luckily I started therapy again, but it is hard, because my family thinks I’m lazy, my father that with my intelligence should have a Phd by now, my teachers think that I am kick back, that i don`t like to work, even though I have good qualifications and grades, is complicated because do to my lack of attendance now i don`t have all the study materials and do not know the dates of exams, and I don`t have friends at the University. I felt like a freak.

    My therapist has told me that it will take time, and that I must find mechanisms to overcome these crises. But it is frustrating to know the material, but for absences failing the class, and waste another year, seeing my peers in age having children, working, being independent. Now I can understand a little better and not feel alone in places full of people, like i`m outsider
    In my country the therapists who see asperger are, largely, specialized in childhood. Not considered asperger in adults.

  257. Reblogged this on Aspie Women Speak and commented:
    I am sure that most if not all women who seek out blogs about being an woman with Asperger’s will have come across Tania Marshall, her books and her blog.

    But just in case you haven’t seen this screening list of characteristics for female Aspies, I am reblogging it here.

  258. Recently discovered that in all probability I’m Aspie. Started with your list of traits and followed on from that. I’m interested in an assessment, but I live abroad so have no chance.

  259. Hi Tania, Great to find your site. Like a lot of the women here, I’ve suffered from a lot of misdiagnoses, but I’ve finally found home here. Do you know whether there is a forum that we Aspiegirls can use? – it sounds as if we’re all in need of a support network.

    Also, any ideas on how to break the cycle? I have just gone through the process of getting my son assessed. Despite telling the doctor that I was 99% sure he had passive type autism, and even having a report from an autism specialist, he has just been diagnosed with anxiety. The doctor has now closed the case. At least we know about Aspergers and can put the right strategies in place. Not everyone we deal with does. It’s so frustrating!

    Will keep an eye out for your work, now I know about it. Thank you!

    J x

  260. Thank you for posting this information. Over the past few months/years, I’ve been searching Asperger tests, and usually scoring either borderline or Asperger, but something seemed “off”. I had no idea that adult women would present so differently (I am 42).

    It is a bit disconcerting and upsetting that many of us can’t trust self-diagnosis because we so desperately want a reason for who we are, to belong in the group of the diagnosed, and to have an explanation. Somewhere, you put a quote that, paraphrased, is, “better to no longer be a failed normal person, but a successful Aspie”. Could this, and not some terrible (but as yet, unexplained or unexplainable by former friends) personality quirk explain why I cannot make or keep close friends, always feel like an outsider, and do indeed feel alien enough that I started calling others “Real People”, somewhat bitterly, over a year ago? Even if the clear walls between us can’t be broken, knowing they may be there is a relief in itself. Were it not so hard (OK: expensive) to get a diagnosis and truly know, instead of hope!

    Not only is your information fascinating, but I hope to find some connections with other women who do (and, in my case, may) have Aspergers, and discover if they, too, struggle with certain aspects of life: job searches, marriage, but mostly children- the lack of alone time, difficulty fitting the picture of a SAHP– cleaning so often, dressing like others when it seems absurd, trying to converse with people who seem extremely NT and won’t let their children play with yours unless you can fake normality better…

    Facebook is the only venue where I can really discuss this, and people there don’t seem to understand the need for a label, seem to think you are looking for attention and an excuse, or are (as usual) uncomfortable with my topics of conversation, so I had to write this where someone, at least, might understand.

    1. Hi Tracy

      I very much relate to all that you have written – I am 45, and just recently diagnosed (after having had the same brush-offs by doctors, who happen to also be family and friends – “you can’t possibly be Aspergers, you are too sensitive and you have accomplished too much. People with Aspergers are diagnosed because they need help and can’t get by on their own . . .”!)

      As the psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me told me: “I usually don’t take as long to come up with a diagnosis. I had to bring you back 3 separate times. I can see now that you are very good at mimicking NT behaviour and you are very intelligent – which made it very hard to separate out that which appears on the surface as NT behaviour, and that which is Aspergers (now called Autism Spectrum Disorder on the DSM).

      Good luck. It’s wonderful to find out that there are others like you. Also, I don’t know about you, but though it is quite lonely being this way, it also comes with amazing gifts. Ever noticed how good you are at picking up on things? Are you the “wise one”? The one who can see the “big picture” when others seem blind to it? I don’t mean to be arrogant or a know it all by asking these questions – I’m just trying to get to the point quickly.

      Anyway, if you can, it’s good to satisfy your curiosity by getting a diagnosis – but you need to find someone who is “up” on their subject – many are not.

      1. Hi Tracy and C Julian,
        I can relate to what you are saying. I used to think everyone must feel the same as me but that perhaps I was a whimp or just self-indulgent while others were just gritting their teeth and getting on with it. So it gives me back some self respect to know that some people experience life’s challenges differently so I can cut myself some slack and not try so hard to live up to everyone’s expectations (as perceived by me.)

        I have decided not to seek out any further psychiatric help or diagnosis as over my lifetime I have experienced a number of interventions, none of which fixed me and I had to challenge a diagnosis of a personality disorder in order to keep my job and even though I won the battle, I did not win the war as I was always treated as an outsider and had little chance of promotion due to negative perceptions about me.

        Reading this blog and realising that some others actually do feel like me is helpful but I don’t really see how another label would help me. I do not have a lot of close friends but those I do have probably have similar traits. I used to feel irrationally envious of NTs who always seemed to me to be living life in an exciting social whirl but now I am more realistic about the fact that even if I was included I probably wouldn’t enjoy it anyway.

        My late mother, who probably also would be classed as Aspergic if it had been known then, used to say that I was socially lazy, that I always wanted my own way and that I rode roughshod over people, and sometimes that I was wicked oh yes and her frequent reproach: “Look at people when they talk to you”. I know she was trying to help and must have been intuitively aware that I was experiencing the same struggles she had. She tried so hard to engineer friendships for me and to protect me from the bullies at school.

        A by-the-way on the subject of Aspie women characters on TV: did Australian TV viewers notice the female Aspie character in a recent episode of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries? UK and Australian viewers of “Call the Midwife ” may have seen Nurse Noakes (Chummy) finally connecting with her dying Aspie mother – her mother’s Aspieness disguised behind a mask of snobbery (the latter is probably my interpretation of the character but the female medical student character in Miss Fisher was obviously intentionally written as being Aspergic.)

        Susan.

  261. Thank you so much for this article. I am 33 and for the first time I feel that someone understands my mind.
    I live in France, which is a very backwards country as far as mental health is concerned. Aspergers is barely heard of, and only in its most caricatural, male, form, so I have to chance to be proprely assessed there. For instance, the fact that I can “get” sarcasm or that I am extremely sensitive means that Aspergers would automatically be dismissed.
    What can I do? It would really help me to have an “official” diagnosis, if only to tell some family members that I am not a freak or a bad person.

  262. People often ridiculed me for being silent and withdrawn during social gatherings. I’d feel hurt and guilty that I am like that and can’t change. It has always been very difficult to connect with people and making eye contact. The strongest feeling I’ve had is- “I’m not a human. I’m a different thing trapped in a human body”. I recently heard a story of an autistic child on radio and felt I had many of her her traits but I knew I didn’t have autism. Reading this article I’m pretty sure I’m an aspien woman. I’m 28 and all my life I’ve tried so hard to change and felt so guilty when I could not. It’s so good to know I’m not alone in this and it’s OK to be like this without feeling guilty or depressed.

    All the memories of why things went wrong, why I acted in a certain way and got ridiculed , makes sense now. It’s just so pacifying to know there’s a definition to my weirdness. I don’t know if I should tell this to family and friends. I would so much like to talk to somebody who understands this and my pain though.

  263. Hi! I really like this page. I’ve been searching for more information regarding the topic of adult asperger’s vs really messed up childhood. When I read your information (and other info) about asperger’s in adult women, it makes me feel relieved… like maybe this is the answer I’ve been looking for. But my therapist, while supportive of the idea of exploring asperger’s at some point, seems to think that a lot of my issues are a result of growing up in a really dysfunctional home. I can see some of this… but I don’t feel like it explains everything. Have you written or found anything about this relationship? I don’t know why it can’t be both… I wouldn’t even be surprised if my mom is on the spectrum, which I think could have led to such a turbulent childhood. Thank you!

  264. Hello. I feel like so much of this list was written about me. I always felt like I might be on the spectrum but dismissed those thoughts because I’m very emotionally sensitive… which is seemingly the opposite of what a male aspie is. Any suggestions on where to start with a diagnosis? Thanks!!

    1. Thank-you for your message Lindsay. There are not many specialists in the world who work in the area of female Autism, and less with adults. Where do you live? Tania

  265. I am waiting for diagnosis to discover if I am on the autistic disorder spectrum. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist on 10th October 2013 and the psychiatrist was going to refer me to see an autism specialist. I display many characteristics of an Aspie woman.

  266. Wow. Thank you for this extensive list. I recently learned – at the age of 59 – that I fall well within the Aspberger Syndrome spectrum, and to read all of this, as well as many other writings and studies, is an enormous relief. As I keep saying: “This explains everything!” After a very painful childhood of never fitting in, I learned how to play the game as best as possible … by watching a popular and ‘successful’ teenage girl in high school. I observed her for weeks, mimicking what she did, and decided one spring day I could take on that role – and no one had to know “who I really was”, inside. I went on to take several acting classes and worked with a theater group in my early 20’s. It all helped … some … but it didn’t (and couldn’t) change me, as hard as I tried. It’s like wearing brown contacts when your eyes are blue. At the end of the day, you take them out … and retreat to the quiet, dark spaces of your home to read, or sit by the fire, or simply pet a cat … content and happy – peaceful – at last.

    Learning that I have Aspberger’s has lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders, and allows me to be me – to a certain extent. It allows a self acceptance. It does not, however, make coping in the work world any easier. I still don the mask – often unconsciously now – doing my best to fit in and do a good job (I am one of the job-hoppers, not the “good career” kind) … waiting for the end of the day, or the weekends, when I can drive to the woods and meander for hours, alone. Ironically, I’ve had the license plate and an email address of “naturgrl” for years.

    Did your article describe me? Oh, to a “T”. And thank you. I feel a bit less alone in the world now. A bit less odd, knowing there are others out there like me. And that’s such a nice feeling. 🙂

  267. Hey,
    your text is very interessting. I’m not diagnosed as an Aspie, but since I’ve heared about it and read some blogs of Aspies I find a lot of myself in their experiences. But there was always one point I totally disagreed and thought, ok maybe I’m just strange but cannot be Aspie. This is when it comes to the emotional side, I mean seeing emotions of others. The German Aspie-Community mostly seems to be unable to feel with others because they do not know what the other person feels. I don’t mean they don’t have feelings but they have a hard time with mimic and gesture and those thinks. My experience with myself is mostly the opposite; I think I’m very empathic but still unable to handle situations where I know the other person feelings and act acordingly. And on the other side, I’m almost unable to express my own feeling.

  268. I feel like this is just *me* in a way nothing has ever resonated for me before. It explains so much about my life, so many ways in which I’ve struggled and felt misunderstood. Problem is, no-one in my family believes that I have Asperger’s when I talk about it. Apart from going for an assessment/diagnosis (which I have booked) what else can I do to help them understand? I feel like they’re just saying “No, you have problems but that’s not what it is [it’s trauma-related, you’re just being a cow, etc]” Feeling very down about this now!

    1. Dear Anne, I am writing a book currently titled I am AspienWoman, This is the sequel to my best selling book entitled I am at Aspiengirl. Both of these books are highly visual books written in Laymans terms and the first book has been found to be especially helpful for family members. So hopefully the second book will be just as helpful. Thank you for your message. http://www.aspiengirl.com

  269. Tania
    Printed your document and used it as information to inform my GP on my second visit to her to ask for a referral for a diagnosis. After reading it she agreed to refer me but still insisted I was a fully functioning women because I hold down a job, I’m a teacher and that I’ve had a family etc. That was a year ago. This week I was diagnosed with Aspergers I turn 51 this week. Feel relived. Hope your brilliant research document helps others (I know it will!) Using it this week to inform my employer as it is so succinct and easy to understand. Just perfect.

    Thank you
    G. X

    1. Hello Geraldine and thank you for your message. Congratulations! I’m so pleased that my screener was able to assist you in this important process. Thank you for your kind words and please feel free to share my research document with others😄 Tania

  270. I also have social anxiety,1icepop234.wordpress.com/2014/04/12/social/anxiety/ but this explains some of my other issues. Interesting article. Thanks for sharing.

  271. Hello.I am 51.diagnosed aspergrs4years ago.my life is lonely beyond belief.my17year old son is so like me and I am watching his pain and confusion from the sideline .he wants help but says that I am unable to give it as I have no emotions.he is the only human I have ever loved,and I would give everything I have except my dog to help him,but two aspergerers is the blind leading the blind.

    1. Tell him he is not on his own. It will just be harder to find the people he likes. There are Asperger forums out there he can maybe start looking into. Tell him nothing stays the same but for things to change, you need to start making changes. I found “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” a really good book. It has a section on splitting your life into different “boxes” which I found helpful. Choose 1 “box” and start making changes so that you have one box that you enjoy. Then start on the next box. I read the book 10 years ago, and have been making mistakes and changes ever since. I am now starting to enjoy my life, but it has been hard work getting to here. I wish you both all the best – Good luck!

      1. I can imagine that would be so difficult. Having a teenager who is angry and blaming is no joy ride. But do know this, if it wasn’t one thing, it would be another. That’s how teens (and some adults) are. Some teens (maybe most) are just angry – and they find a reason that’s usually just an excuse. Hopefully he will grow out of it, but don’t hold your breath!

        In the meantime, take care of yourself, and care for yourself. I’m listening to CD’s by Rick Hanson – (I am lucky that he lives nearby and my library system carries them – I copied them onto my computer.) He is a brilliant neuroscientist and long time meditation practitioner. His explanations and guided meditations are very valuable for people who struggle with self worth, lack of love…. I don’t know if you can rewire an aspie brain, but we can learn to be more compassionate with ourselves. After listening to this CDs I have started going to meditate once a week at a nearby center, and am doing some meditation, even if only 5 minutes, every morning. It can only help. Be well.

        The canyon says, “I will hold the sound of your voice until your return.”

        ________________________________

  272. This is a description of me. I began to think about the possibility of having Asperger’s years ago when a female friend was diagnosed, but I never found definitive descriptions that fit and I didn’t fully relate to my friend’s problems. Now that I am 40, I have been reflecting on why my career path has never gone the way I envisioned. I have been looking for explanations in the subtleties of sexism, however, I have come to recognize that many of my issues have been due to my own intolerance for and inability to cope with my work environments. I have been fortunate to be able to follow an unusual path throughout my career in science, and even more fortunate to have recently found a tolerant environment to work in. Many women would not have had these opportunities, and I can see now that it is important for me to be able to explain the difficulties I’ve had in order to help other women to recognize their situation and seek appropriate help. Seeking help is something I’ve hardly ever done, however, I am grateful for your thorough compilation of female Asperger’s traits, as it will finally make it possible for me to get an accurate assessment of myself from a professional and will allow me to relate my experiences from the correct frame of reference.

  273. The first time I heard of Aspergers was as a teacher. A male students came with paperwork and a diagnosis. Interestingly, I had no problem understanding him. In fact, he reminded me just a little of myself. Then, about 13 years ago, my mom mailed me a magazine article about Aspergers. She attached a note to it saying “,This is you, Deb!” Honestly, I say that is was possible but still wasn’t sure. It was a very cursory article and described the traits as exhibited in the typical male Aspie. I wasn’t positive I had it because of the claims of “rocking and hand flapping,” “odd gait and poor coordination,” and “Odd speech patterns..” However, the rest of it did describe me. I didn’t think I had it because to me, my voice is normal. In fact, I was particularly talented and speaking in a variety of different voices and accents. I was even gifted in foreign language and acquired the foreign accent with ease. And I was a dancer, so my gait and coordination had to be okay.

    But my doubts ended when my son was in 4th grade. An observant teacher noticed that something was going on. I supported a diagnostic process. When going through the parent paperwork, I realized that both he AND I did, in fact, have Aspergers. I got my diagnosis several years later. Reading this list has a very different feel that reading that magazine articles so many years ago! Instead of being sort of on and sort of off, this list is 100% an accurate description of me. Anyone who knows me would completely agree! If I had read this resource even as a child, I would have been able o tell you that it IS totally me!

    I find it crazy that autistics were being diagnosed as schizophrenics until 1980 when I was 10 years old! And Aspergers was only beginning to be recognized in the 1980, although a standard diagnosis did not appear until the 1990’s when I was in college! So now at age 44, females are better understood, and my life finally makes sense to me. I’ve had a really hard life! And that is a sad, cold, hard fact! I’m just glad there is more hope for future women with Aspergers.

    1. P.S. My teachers DID refer me to be tested by psychologists when I was 10 and again at 12, and they weren’t sure what to make of my behavior. I DID have more behavior issues when I was young! I was a serious mess starting in pre-K. My mom didn’t know how to deal with me, so had to raise myself. My son, on the other hand had early intervention by being mine. I had a psychology degree and years of experience working with kids and being trained to work with kids by the time he was born. I didn’t want him to go through what I went through, so I began working with him diligently from birth.

      Regarding me, there are subtleties that are technically autistic traits. However, they blend in when in public, or I just fake being normal. For example, I am always doing something with my fingers. I pick labels off things, I feel the intricacies of my nails and finger tips. I am also doing things with my tongue inside my mouth- feeling the backs of my teeth, etc. I am constantly bothered by my bra, my shoes, my make-up, my “going out” clothes, how the chair I sit in feels, smells, sounds, air temperature, and so on. I always bring a water bottle EVERYWHERE. I drink it and expend some energy that way. I pick at the carrying loop on the bottle. I constantly analyze the architecture and decor of the room I am in. Then when I get home, I can be totally me. This morning, I was snuggled in bed in my soft T-shirt material pants and shirt with my 5 pillows, sheet, quilt, and duvet cover (yes, AC cranked to make all that comfortable) all compressing me and causing immense calm feeling perfectly awesome and not really wanting for that to end. I knew if I went somewhere, I would have to deal with the prickly painful world. So I skipped church. But I GET to stay home today! And I better enjoy it, because I won’t get to do that on work days. But then that is how I end up getting so isolated and eventually, lonely. So its always a battle. Some days, I actually feel up to going. And some days I really just don’t.

  274. I suspect I may have Aspergers because I find it so difficult mixing at social occasions. I keep trying because I don’t want to become completely isolated but often people seem to cold-shoulder me for no reason which is apparent to me. It is hurtful and in the end I usually go and sit on my own somewhere and entertain myself. The next day I can’t do anything constructive at all for feeling down and wondering what is wrong with me.
    One strange thing I have noticed is that, when I am wearing sunglasses and a sun hat, strangers smile and greet me so there must be something about my face, especially my eyes that unconsciously sends the wrong signal to people.
    I also occasionally have meltdowns. The last was when I invited a small group of friends for a meal to celebrate the birthday of one of them and, after spending all day getting organised, to be as well prepared as possible with my limited entertaining talents, at the last minute the wok slid off the cooker and deposited my carefully pre-prepared stir-fry all over the kitchen floor. I just howled as inconsolably as the day I left my doll in the park when I was about 4 or 5.
    My friends were shocked at my extreme reaction because they had not seen it before – it happens less frequently these days. The only good thing was that one of these friends subsequently felt able to come to me for refuge and comfort when she had an equally intense and seemingly uncharacteristic melt down. She said she dared not show this side of herself to her other friends. I suspect most of the friends I am at all close to have some Aspergic traits.
    I have been treated for depression on many occasions over my adult life and it never effected any noticeable change so I have stopped seeking help. Usually I get over my bouts of depression with time out, which is somewhat easier to achieve now I am retired.

  275. I came across this totally by chance and did not even know what Aspergers was, but this list sounds like it was practically written about me. I find this a little disturbing, but would like to look further into it. What would be the next step I should take? Thank you!

  276. Thank you for putting into words, the feelings and ideas that I could not. I’m definitely going to use this list to help with seeking a formal diagnosis. Reading this list has been intense, but it really is putting everything into perspective. I can breathe, now. I feel empowered by knowing what is really going on with me. Thank you!!!

    1. Dear Klumzy Katie, thank you for your kind words and your most welcome. Please feel free to print off the screener highlight what you agree with and take it into your GP and I hope that you can get a referral to someone that understands the female profile all the best, Tania

  277. Hello Tania,

    I could’ve written all these symptoms about myself! You nailed it! Now, I feel like someone, somewhere out there understands who I am and my struggles. I feel like this is some kind of a breakthrough for someone who’s been seeking to understand herself all these years. I know I’m different but nobody understands me. I could remember being different since I was 8 years old, now I’m 36. I avoid social situations at all cost but found some coping mechanism to fake it. But it makes me feeling exhausted after social events. I get depressed, I have anxiety attacks. My husband doesn’t understand either. Going for a dinner with his family is a huge struggle. Many times I stayed home and never showed up. I have 98 percent of the symptoms you mentioned here. Where can I find you? Or is there somebody in Canada I could see. Thanks so much for the work you do!

  278. I had a sudden flash of understanding today and wondered if a dear friend of mine might have aspergers. I found this site and reading the information did confirm the thoughts I was having. Much of the descriptions fit my friend to a t. And reading the comments it seems everybody feels relief at finding this label, the label seems to be a good thing. My dilemma I would love some feedback from you is I don’t feel it is my place to tell my friend I am wondering if she might have aspergers, as I am feeling this might hurt her feelings. Labels are one of her greatest pet hates. What should I do? She has felt misunderstood all her life, and you people here are saying you feel better about this having found the reason why and others who feel the same. I would love her to feel those good things too! Help!

  279. When I read your materials, I thought “bingo, that’s me (and many other spiritual – hippie types)!” And I still mostly do. But then I remember reading about neurological studies that showed that people with aspergers (probably men) can’t self-reflect, and that it’s neurological. Do you see that as a characteristic of women with Asperger’s as well? Boy, if that’s so, then I am undiagnosing myself! Your insights, please. Thank you, from a perserverating, mildly obsessive, socially cue missing, uncomfortable in unstructured social situations and highly sensitive woman.

  280. Hello Tania. I am astonished by the accuracy & detail in your description of this syndrome in women. Particularly as I can see myself for once! I would like some further info, resources & help in my area. I am currently in the mental health system but fear I am being misdiagnosed & steered in the wrong direction. This is very distressing! Please leave me any info on where & when I can get an accurate diagnosis.
    Thank you for your work & understanding of it’s great need to so many females.

  281. I may have cried and laughed a bit, reading this article.

    Thank you. It’s like finally knowing what’s wrong with you and that you can get help.

    I always did fairly above average at school. But being stuck in a major that I loathe at college has really forced me to re-consider how to apply my own cognitive abilities for employment and living.

    I was also touched by the relationship/gender identity/sexuality crisis. Although not conventionally unattractive per se, I have never had a serious relationship. There have been various pseudo-relationships, most of which involved them taking advantage of me or using me to get ahead in life or shaping themselves through my ideas and quirks. Like described, I was unable to understand how I could get rid of them without withdrawing completely.

    Gender is an issue. My hair looks like a bird’s nest but I couldn’t really bother with changing it as it would take too much unnecessary effort.

    I hope to dedicate my life to science, particularly CS & chemistry, which I have finally come to realise are what I want to pursue for the rest of my life.
    I also do have a deep interest in photography and the visual arts and most of my childhood was spent reading science fiction and fantasy novels, where I developed high moral grounds, which I’ve come to realise by my experiences, are of no circumstance in the real world.

    I also prefer animals to human beings. For e.g. I’m extremely averse to physical contact when it comes to men or women but would willingly attract an animal and befriend them.

    Where should one go for a proper diagnosis and coping mechanisms? I’ve become rather frightened of my mood disorders and depression. Logically speaking, all the emotional and social issues would hinder my success as an individual and a scientist and um, a social being too, I guess.

  282. I have a 26year old daughter who I believe has Asperges. She left home in a rage at 16, told people that she was abused and thrown out of home (none of which is true – she has a younger sister and an older brother and had a very secure loving family unit). She has always been a compulsive liar about silly things also. When she was young she would just “dump” a friendship and not look back. She repeated year 2. She collected rubbish (piles of newspapers, lolly wrappers, mouldy sandwiches in her school bag and when I through them out, she would hate me. She would be hypo and loud in social settings then it would take her days of solitude to get over. She would try to be the boss of me, her mother when she was young. She would and still does have selective muteness. She is sensitive to sounds, smells and tastes. She always thought I was yelling at her and I wasn’t. She is very sensitive to pain and seems like a hypochondriac. She would always walk ten paces behind the rest of the family. For ten years her father and myself have rarely seen her though she lives 15 minutes drive from us. She was married at 20 to a man 10 years older and has a 5 year old daughter and we have just found out she is pregnant again which was a shock as she said she would NEVER have another. She is extremely stubborn so we believed her. My husband and I are afraid to invest emotionally into this pregnancy as we did with her first child because we haven’t been given the opportunity to get to know the first child so fear it will be the same with the second child. Recently her husband told us to f….off, stop pretending to love her, that it’s completely see through and not to contact her again. (We don’t know what triggered this outburst). I really don’t know what to do now. Do I honour his request, walk away and never look back (tempting as I am battle-weary) or try once again to reconcile (which is usually only possible on her terms, in her time in her way as she tends to twist everything we say and goes mute) I am no closer than I ever have been to knowing how to relate, communicate and understand her and I am a very patient person. Please help. Nobody knows what I’ve been through.

    1. Glenda, I can’t help but wonder what she has been through. I totally, absolutley and completely empathise and understand her. As an undiagnosed Asperger neither your family or the outside world would have understood or been able to help her with what she was going through, no wonder the muteness, her life sounds like a horror story – you called her a compulsive liar maybe just maybe that was her truth and understanding from her perspective. It is hard to navigate through a hostile world misunderstood and feeling alone. Maybe you should allow her to reach out to you in her own time on her own terms and simply accept her for who she is warts, Aspergers and all. If you and your family want to understand what she has gone through go and buy a set of shoes and clothes all a size too small and wear them for a week, and you will start to understand and feel how uncomfortable, restictive and painfull it will feel – not quite the same but getting there. Good luck and I wish her all the best
      Sharon

  283. Wow reading this is eye opening, ever since my sons diagnosis 4yrs ago has opened my eyes to the real possibility that i myself may have aspergers. Reading your list really cements that thought. I have tried and given up on soo many things but am now at USQ doing a bachelor of nursing im halfway through my degree and struggling with the negative thoughts and my inner voice telling me to just give up again.
    I must get diagnosed and start asking for help

  284. Hi! I had my doubts on the photographic memory trait, but I can say I’ve always feel from another planet. I’m unemployed and I’ve taken several if not a lot of courses because I always feel, “I’m not smart enough, that’s why I don’t have a job”. But I feel quite identified with being a visual learner. But here is the funny part on the photographic memory trait: sometimes I can only see something, to write down the same stuff in my notebook and later on, I can find that specific phrase I wrote in my brain in that specific page. And it works with libraries, maps, etc. I learn better in virtual classrooms and/or listening a conference with such a huge audience in a huge conference room where nobody talks and there’s one person talking about something of my interest. So many things happen in my brain, and I start writing an Opera on how beautiful those spaces are. So, I guess I do have some sort of photographic memory. Some other times I take written pictures, not narration, but more in the form of an experimental surreal poem. I finally finish my book of poems, but I was only able to write it using both, my native language, Spanish and my foreign language, English. I still think the book could have been better.if by the time I started writing it I was fluent in French, Dutch and Japanese.

    Being an Aspie is such a great thing. But I can tell you must of the time I’m afraid of the world and on “How to make money”? Some people have listened to what I have to say, but they take way too much advantage on my ideas. And I’m put aside of any job position in projects because I’m poor at socializing. I can make a city work if I want, but people just want benefit for themselves.

    Reading all this makes me think there should be a better world out there for us Aspies. And the fact people are talking about it says there’s some sort of “hope” for future generations where the Aspie population it’s probably going to be the “normal” set of people, meaning percentages of people with Autism will increase.

    I’m always trying to be a better Aspie, whatever that means for a Neurotypical.

  285. Reblogged this on Fugitive savant's Blog and commented:
    This should be required reading Every single teacher, professor, doctor, psychologist, R.N.P., R.N. LPN, Psyd, Phd, J.D., P.A., counselor, corrections officer, L.E.O., probation & parole officer, homeless shelter case worker, military commanding officer,…

  286. This is like looking into the Second Oracle mirror (from The Neverending Story) and seeing my true self reflected.
    I am currently at an important point in my, so far, 41-year-long quest for self-discovery, having been diagnosed with Joint Hypermobility Syndrome this May and awaiting an EDS diagnosis.

    It was through reading (in a rather persistent and focussed way) about EDS that I came across the link with Asperger’s. The more I read about it, the more I see myself. From the shy, imaginative child to the outcast teen, the younger woman struggling to find a career and now myself as mother, dealing with the onset of more visible disability and chronic illness.

    As you will see if you peek at my own blog, I am currently self-employed and having fulfilling fun in the world of Steampunk. Twenty years of Live Roleplay have stood me in good stead and I always considered my hobby to be a form of Art Therapy. I learned so much about myself by playing characters and have developed traits such as Leadership and worked on my social skills.

    So thankyou for this clarification. I am encouraged to seek an official diagnosis, to manifest this thought about myself into something more concrete that others can grasp. Literally, as in printed in a letter!

  287. I have a 33 yr old don with Aspergers. He is an awesome young man however he has only dated a few times. He has a great job, owns a house but meeting and socializing with people, especially women are difficult for him. AAny suggestions?

    1. Sharon can I suggest just patience? I know it sounds difficult, but I recommend this to everyone I meet, not just people with aspergers. Finding a partner is about quality not quantity. Your son sounds so much like my husband. I was his first girlfriend at 27! The thing is, it never bothered him. He was just waiting for a person he wanted to spend his life with to come along rather than mess around dating lots of girls he couldn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with. Is your son looking to date for fun (not that there is anything wrong with that) or is he looking to date to find a life partner? If he’s dating to find a life partner, he may just have not found the right girl yet. Just encourage him to develop confidence and to do activities (that he enjoys) that single girls may also do so that he has a chance of meeting girls. But don’t feel he is somehow doing something “wrong” because he doesn’t have many dates – some people are just cautious when it comes to dating, and I’m sure with the right encouragement he’ll find a lovely partner one day.

      1. When I asked my son if he wanted to go to prom, he said “only if I have a girlfriend.” He’s practical about money, b/c he is a math wiz, and feels like it would be a waste of money to go unless he was taking someone he really loves in a romantic way. No problem here!

  288. First off I just want to say thank you SO much for this article!!! I had to share this with my family and friends because it wasn’t until later last year that I received my Asperger’s diagnosis. I’m now 37. It answered the question as to why I felt I wasn’t able to fit in with anybody around me or why I felt so overwhelmed by sounds/lights/tastes/pain. Wow! I rock and twist my hands around to stim and I’m ok with it, but I am also very self-conscious if someone else is watching me do that-so I stop because I don’t want to be ridiculed. It explains MY LIFE.

    It’s very hard to live with for me and get by day-to-day without it getting in the way but I’m learning to try to understand it and work around those emotions/feelings that try to sneak up on me. The anxiety by far is the worst and the nervousness I feel alot during the day. I’m looking to go into some counseling in our area because I feel that might help me out some too!

    Currently I’m in my 18th year at my job in Child care as an Assistant teacher whereas i was once a Lead teacher-I was demoted several years ago for having my own method of teaching children. I felt it was unfair, but learned to deal with it and am happier now without the burden of writing out a lesson plan every single week. It’s less stressful in that way but I’m still stressed at work because of all the sounds/lights flashing when burning out and just mostly the way I feel I am treated! I feel like the outcast of the place or a joke. I do my best and make mistakes frequently but I do what I can and it seems to be just enough.

    I just again want to express my thank you for this article because it matched me 100% so i know I was not crazy for searching for a diagnosis last year after reading Aspergirls and bawling my eyes out realizing there was an answer to all this life I’ve been living! I knew there was something special about me all my life but could never understand what that could possibly be! These articles are so informative and helpful and thank you to everyone else you help with Asperger’s as well! We love you very much for taking the time of your busy lives to write these!! <3 <3 <3 🙂 🙂 🙂

  289. Thank you so much, Tania, for this invaluable information. Your list of traits has been incredibly validating for me. I am in my mid-50’s and was recently dx with ASD. The mental and physical health effects of workplace bullying are what prompted me to finally get a formal dx. (I had to go out on LOA for several months due to being bullied to the point of severe depression.) With my dx in hand, I returned to work with a list of accommodations specific to my ASD challenges. Unfortunately, the bullying has gotten much worse. My question is, do you see many clients who experience bullying in the workplace? I read somewhere that 90% of adult aspie’s experience it.

    1. Yes I believe you are right in that so many autie/aspie women experience it simply because they have experienced it from such a young age, when what we call the inner child is forming so that it almost becomes normal, an expectation and people pick up on their vulnerability.

      I have experienced it all my life plus i have just pulled my mixed race, autie daughter out of her school because of this very reason she was experiencing rejection and racist comments from her 5 year old peers and became very anxious.She was not diagnosed, despite all the tests proving her condition so the right social support was not in place for her and school often do not know what to look out for.because girls can bully in a very subtle way.

      Its so damaging for these girls who cant cope with the peer rejection, so then go on to self harm and take the baggage and pain into adult life causing eating disorders … It is a vicious circle which needs the amazing work of people like tania to spread awareness… Our girls and our inner child needs nurturing with close scrutiny in school where the damaging experiences start!…

  290. Everything makes sense. For the longest time I couldn’t understand myself and wished to be someone else. But reading all these articles it makes perfect sense to me. Its as if my life has been copied directly onto paper… Or I guess the internet lol. I work with children who have autism and asperbergs and for some reason they always attached themselves to me. I knew so much about how male aspergers/autism but not the female side of things. Thanks so much.

  291. As I read your article, I started crying out of both fear and relief. I have no doubt now that I am an Aspien woman. Even some of the phrases and terminology are ones that I’ve used myself when thinking or describing who I am. I am the chameleon and used to imagine as 12 year old that my parents from another planet would one day come back to get me. Where do I go for help? How can I make sure that I can get the proper diagnosis and aid that I need to function? I don’t know where to start.

      1. I would like a formal assessment. I’ve been to psychologists before, but none of them have ever mentioned Asperger’s as a possibility. I’ll also purchase your book asap.

  292. Reading this, I felt like you were describing my life. I’ve spent years searching for answers, and began to find them years ago when my sons were diagnosed with autism. There is definitely a connection.
    However, a lot of the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers seemed very slanted toward a male experience of life. I think women are overlooked, perhaps because it’s more socially acceptable for us to be “shy” and so forth. When a man isn’t confident and manly and alpha, people look for what’s “wrong” with him. When a woman sits at home reading books, it’s cute and she’s a bookworm and no one really cares too much.

    Thanks for putting together such a comprehensive description. I’ve shared it with friends and family who might find it relevant or helpful in understanding me. (I’m often not an easy person to understand, LOL)

  293. I stumbled across this article by accident, and I’ve been shocked at just how many of the symptoms I have. I’ve always known I’ve been different, and I’ve always known I’ve presented with a few autistic symptoms (My younger brother is on the spectrum, and it is often said that siblings of autistic children will also have a few autistic traits) but I never knew there were specific female traits.

    Up until my late teens, I was highly socially shy – I had a small group of friends, and avoided any activity which would involve meeting new people or even talking to people in shops. I was once so nervous to go on a mandatory course that I made myself physically sick for weeks beforehand. I have learned to make up for my nerves by faking confidence, and I find that pretending I’m not scared works for me most of the time. I still have to summon up a special kind of bravery to go on nights out where I know there will be a lot of strangers, and after I’ve been out I won’t feel up to it again for months afterwards.

    Sometimes I say things and do things that are inappropriate for a woman of 23, but it won’t be until someone points it out that I realise I’m doing something wrong.

    I consider myself to be an intelligent individual, but I’ve always been very poor at exams, or indeed anything that is time sensitive. As soon as time limits are imposed, I feel incredibly pressured and it makes me prone to mistakes. Sometimes all I can think about is the time I have left rather than the subject at hand. I can learn anything I put my mind to, but if I am disinterested in the subject it is useless to try and teach it to me. The information simply will not absorb, and my attention will wander no matter how hard I try to make it stick.

    My short term memory is very poor, which sometimes gets me into trouble at work. I can be asked for something and, within seconds, forget completely what it was I was asked for. I usually find it is worse if I’m asked for a lot of things all at once, because I will generally forget everything, or get a few things muddled up (half of one job, and half another).

    I’m extremely creative, and I often find my creativity peaks between midnight and 3am. I enjoy many different kinds of crafts and activities, and I have a wild imagination. I’m particularly fond of writing, and sometimes use it as an outlet when I’m sad or frustrated.

    I sometimes feel like I don’t fit into a normal lifestyle, and I’m supposed to be doing something different.

    I hate loud noises and strong smells. I’m terrified of dogs because of their barking, and car horns make me jump out of my skin. Bikes or cars moving too quickly past me make me panic and I don’t like people walking behind me. If people a laughing in a room, I always suspect they are laughing at me even if I don’t know them.

    I collect teddies, and have often stated I’d rather have them than children or pets because they can’t hurt or reject me.

    I’ve struggled with myself for a long time, and suffered from depression in my teens – I even had my suicide planned once over, before I found help. I can’t help but wonder if I had known that autism might have been the reason for me being the way I am, I might not have treated myself so harshly.

  294. Typing this with tears in my eyes because it all just fits me so perfectly and I have always felt different and wrong. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, type 1 running in my family, and am a single mommy to 2 wonderful ASD boys, ages 3 & 5, which is what started me wondering if I might not be on the spectrum, as some of their traits I recognized in myself. I am very interested in pursuing this and seeing if this is in fact part of who I am, as it would help me understand and accept a lot of the things I have been feeling/dealing with my whole life. If you have any advice on the diagnostic process I would really appreciate it!

  295. I have just today received my copy of ‘I am Aspien Woman’. I feel like I’ve found the physical manifestation of the inner treasure I’ve been searching for throughout my 41 years of life!

    My only criticism of the book is the paper that it is printed on. The cover is gorgeous but inside, the images are not done justice. It needs to be that smooth, heavyweight paper that holds print so well. Hehe… guess who has an art degree…

    In all sincerity though, thankyou for this book. It is a much-needed mirror.

  296. reading this has really impacted on me …. my user name, here, articulates my innate sense of being an eternal outsider (‘gaijin’ means ‘foreigner’ or ‘alien’ in Japanese)

    i am very interested in speaking with a professional who is more aware of female expressions of Aspergers, as at 40, i am running out of motivation to keep trying to make sense of life and living in a perpetual survival/ coping state ….. i’ve recently moved to Hobart, and may be spending some time in SW WA – i don’t suppose you can recommend anyone in either of these places? …. if not, my friend also read this and some other things about your work and noted you do Skype consults, so i will look into that also

    thanks for this list, and i am also interested in reading Aspen Woman, and maybe others (currently re-reading ‘Nobody Nowhere’, which had a massive impact on me when i first read it in my early 20’s, but i was clearly not as autistic as Donna Williams, so i couldn’t make sense of the deep resonance at that time).

    cheers

  297. Hello, I am was diagnosed by a clinical psychologist with Asperger’s syndrome and avoidant personality disorder by a military psychologist at age twenty, both in the same year. I am working on my associates degree, at the age of 28, so I have been doing a significant amount of research on Asperger’s and have overcome the denial I had until recently. I fit almost all criteria for Asperger’s. I am inspired by your insight and look forward to reading your book. I think there must be a unique relationship between avoidant personality disorder and Asperger’s syndrome as I know there is with anxiety and depression to both of these disorders because I suffer from depression everyday. I am also investigating the relationship to low rather than high blood pressure. It seems like all disorders are linked in a way. Thank you for your insight.

  298. Thankyou so much for such a thorough and clear list Tania. I’m in the process of being diagnosed at 35yrs old (up to my fourth assessment/diagnostic session) and the feelings of potentially finding somewhere i finally fit in and others who may understand and accept me are like nothing I’ve ever felt before, the relief is hard to put in words!
    I’ve been trying to write a book about my crazy life for years but every time i start getting somewhere i think ‘but where is the story going except round and round with the same problems, just more or less intriguing each time?!’ Very frustrating. But with the knowledge I’m gaining about aspie and the opening i feel of my bruised and battered heart I now feel I may be able to write my book and that its ok for the story to be about my journey, the journey we all seem to be taking, to find someone who’ll listen and take us seriously as aspienwomen, and where that journey now goes. Exciting, scary, and mindblowing all at once.
    Tania is there a forum or online place we can share contact details and maybe become penpals with other aspienwomen? Gosh i feel like thats a ‘too open’ boundary right there…. but oh how i want to find some new friends who actually get me!!

    Thanks again,
    Joanna
    Australia

    1. Hope it’s ok to share Tania… Joanna there is a group called Australian Asperger Womens Group on facebook. I think being female and aussie means we’re kind of unique compared to other online groups out there because there are things we face as women that men don’t face, and there are things unique to the Aussie healthcare system that people in other countries just don’t get. I’ve been blessed enough to meet a few of the ladies in person through the local Autism support NGO that operates where I live and it was nice to have got to know them online first.

  299. Hi Tania

    I am a Malaysian Chinese 28 year-old woman from Malaysia, surprised to read at this. There is very little journals about adult women and autism, dyslexia etc. Here having psychological disorder will just cost more money and I never look for counsel and diagnosis because we always heard of many useless psychological treatments. One of my cousin (boy) is autistic and he is lucky to born in wealthy family. Having mental treatment also caused social stigma in our society therefore if there is no need nobody will consider go to psycho clinic >_<
    I have had a very problematic social lives since schooling and only able to steady down after settled in a company who has given me flexibility to work at ease. In college years I was a bookworm who liked to study myself in library with old books…I prefer to be alone, even people spoke behind me. I have worked in lab for several years alone and quite relieved I did not need to face senior staff everyday. I cannot work as telemarketer, customer service & waitress mainly due to I have slower auditory message processing time…I often need people to repeat and myself repeat saying to make sure I get the message correctly. I worked as waitress years ago and managers said I was not smart enough to move faster and I also made mistakes in serving customers properly. I resigned half year later. I am abit slowpoke when it comes to highly volatile situation…so I decided I cannot work as tele-person. Now I gained my confidence and worked at managerial level. Though I would still struggling to capture messages over phone, especially little sound/different accents of english can devastate my understanding. My mother language is mandarin.
    I didn't feel it is worth to look for diagnosis …because it really costs alot here and Singapore and I still made my way as a normal adult. Now I am just interested to read if there is any physiological differences in adult women of these situations so to understand myself better and see if anything else can improve.

    Regards
    AS
    Malaysia

  300. Oh Tania ~ I’ll try to keep this short but oh my gosh I found my people.
    In the last week I have come to realize I have Asperger’s and I’m 51! I’ve been backing into so much of the right “stuff” just trying to keep from killing myself all these years that now that I know why, I’m ahead of the game for what feels like the first time in my life. I’m still reeling from so many mysteries unraveling. When this keystone clicked, I fell to the floor and felt decades of self hatred and anger flow out in my tears of relief and joy. I have hope for, well, maybe the first time. I finally can make sense of all the (what seemed like) futile attempts at trying to live with myself.
    I really am that amazing, odd little being I thought I was before I started hiding everything!
    Peace to everyone here! I feel like I’m reading my own journals.

    Thank you so much,
    m.

  301. This was such an eye opener. As I read through your list of characteristics of an Aspie woman, I could not help but feel that this was a report written about me. Bar one or two of the symptoms. The pain someone has to go through not understanding and not being understood is so devastating. This article has helped to put a few things into perspective for me. I am so relieved to hear that there is now some research being done on the difference between men and woman on the spectrum. Thank you so much for this information.

  302. This post describes me to a T. I have always wondered if I have Aspergers. My brother was diagnosed as a child but I have wondered if I got over looked. I really felt as a child that I did not fit in and had trouble doing well in school. Been diagnosed with almost every anxiety disorder in the book over the years and battle depression a lot.

    Thanks for the post it helps to know my suspicions might be right on.

  303. I read this and just cried. I cannot stop crying. I’ve been thinking for a while that I was maybe slightly autistic? My whole life, I have felt misunderstood and have had a very hard time understanding others. I have managed to use …what I see now…were/are coping mechanisms to get through life. I can remember being very small and thinking about the point Iif our existence. I would dwell and dwell on it to point of going into pure panic, but as like many other “quirks” I learned early how to internalize my panic attacks. The majority of my childhood and adult life I’ve suffered from daily diarrhea. My mom always said I had nervous issues. I have been, what they call a “picker” also a “cutter” (secretly) and As I am recollecting all these quirks/symptoms/traits /experiences I seem to be coming increasingly aware of everything I’ve suffered through until this moment. I’ve always been extremely smart but called lazy. Frequently switching jobs because getting a new job is so easy for me it seems stupid in my mind to remain employed by a company that ive become extremely bored by or just ready for a new experience. People have so many times commented on how “I might not can keep a job but I can sure get a new one quicker than anyone they’ve ever seen!” These comments always to me felt like insults because a) I don’t understand the point of keeping one job my entire adult life. To me it seems more like a waste of a life. I’ve said I want to do this or that or go to school for this or that but what I really desire is to not worry about obtaining a “career”. It doesn’t interest me. I’d rather work a couple hours a day serving tables because the change of people table to table and the different orders keeps my mind stimulated to a pint of satisfaction. The more complicated an order the happier I would be. I get frustrated when I’m busy doing anything (usually in my head) and people interrupt me. Usually im zoned out and it takes a few tries or more to get my attention and the repetitive methods used ti gain my attention are extremely INFURIATING for me! once my focus has been broken and i realize this echo of the repetitious method used of what was done to break my focus comes to light oh my god it’s like nails on a chalk board in my ears but of course my appearance is confident and calm but inside my blood is boiling.

    I could keep going on and on with all the “quirks” or “weird traits” or character flaws….but because of this AWESOME detailed list of traits that are tied to an ACTUAL SYNDROME exists….it actually pulls my entire life into crystal clear focus for me. And it is an unbelievable relief that is scary yet so comforting. Thank you for helping to bring my f’d up life into focus for the very first time!

  304. Hi Tanya,
    Your research is so important and this page is something I keep returning to.
    I am 47, 20 months ago I was diagnosed with ASD. It was the beginning of empowerment. I had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder 15 years prior to that, the only form of treatment offered was drug therapy. Interesting that the BP diagnosis took 35 mins and basically kept me suspended in a dialogue of managing the effects of the medication.
    The ASD diagnosis took just over 2 hours all up – spaced over 3 sessions and was very collaborative. The therapy I attend now is solutions focused. Once I began to understand the structure of ASD, coupled with eliminating mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics, progress in my terms was so fast – an outsider may disagree 😉
    Your list above are things that crop up for me continuously!
    My main challenge at the moment is trying to deal ‘bullying in the work place’ which is working parallel to disclosure – as absenteeism is just starting to be a problem.
    Can you direct me to any resources (ASD specific) that could better inform me on disclosure and bullying?
    Thanks
    Mues

  305. I had to laugh at one of these things. Only because I thought that they were just related to “me”. I haven’t been formally diagnosed with Aspergers, but I do believe i’ve got it. Especially reading everything about symptoms, and now also this list. My favourite thing to read was “She may be ultra-religious or not at all. Buddhism appears to be common”. I am pretty much /obsessed/ with Buddha hahaah. I don’t call myself religious at all however, but I did read up on Buddhism and without realising it, I follow pretty much all their principles. There’s just so many other random things I would never have connected to Aspergers.

    1. Me too. I always thought I was alone in feeling this way. And not religious in the least, although I used to be. Buddhism seems like a popular centering point

  306. Wow. Wow. If those traits really are indicative of a female with Aspergers, then my dx of ASD really is accurate. I’m a 36 year old female who holds dx’s of ASD, bipolar I, angst disorders and PTSD. I could relate to SO MANY traits. This is the craziest list! I’ll be getting your book to read for sure. Your list has put me in a more upbeat mood certainly. Thank you for the comprehensive listing! How did you come up with the list?? Again, thanks.

  307. I think that these books are beautifull. I have children with aspergers,and learning about them teaches me abouf myself. I always wondered if there was any point in getting tested myself. I had so many problems growing up. Everybody always thought i was wierd n i was always sick. After reading sum of this I think it will help me. i got posion ivy and ended up hVing to go to the emergency room. Then i ended up allergic to the steroids n had to go bk to er. I do need a diag. Autism isnt just our brain function our bodies are different than regular people. Im greatfull to have stumbled across this page.Thank you for showing the world how super we are Nd opening peoples eyez up to that. I cant wait to read one of thise books. I have Son with aspergers and i was so excited to show him positive things about people like us.

  308. Hi, I am Aspiewoman. I am nearly 30 and I recognize myself in nearly all the descriptions here. However I never felt bad for recognizing I am an Aspie, it was rather the opposite – I am even glad cause I consider myself special in this way. I recognize I am blessed in many ways, though yes on the other hand it hurts me very much when I see the majority does not recognize the beauty and gifts of Aspiewomen…And yes too bad that we are often victimized for adult bullying by neanderthals we men and women with this “syndrome”. I would not call it syndrome, rather a uniqueness. Actually I live in a very conservative country and I am largely misunderstood and not being appreciated and though I am an Aspie, I am also a woman and I would like to see at least hundreds (if not thousands) of so called “normal” men who would be willing to appreciate us in the same way they appreciate neurotypical women. Regarding my appearance and grooming I am so called typical Aspiegirl as I dont wear makeup and I like only comfortable clothes and no high heels and yes I feel a big pressure to conform to the stereotypical “ideal” of “female beauty” and it hurts me very much, too. I cant understand why the hell we are not viewed as “appropriate women” by many men and women..Regarding the interaction with neurotypicals yes I feel I am nearly playful and too childlike to some of them but I cant understand why they may consider me inappropriate for this.. I feel many neurotypical men put a lot of social burden to women, not only to us Aspies but to neurotypical women, too. What the hell is the problem with being different? Why the hell many neurotypicals expect us to be the same like they are, what the hell they think is wrong with being Aspie? Many times I feel exhausted by the fact that it is required from me still to give and give and not receive the same affection and respect. Maybe I was just born into a wrong, not liberal enough country but come on what is wrong with being a so called “not uniform, not appropriate women” in both appearance and behaviour? It does not mean we are bad women, we are just different.

  309. Thanks for helping give me a tool to use with my therapist so I can finally have some measurable means to back up my feelings of why I am a proud Aspie woman with a aspie son. Women with mental illness due to sexual abuse need all the help we can get.

  310. Thank you so much for this. My brother was diagnosed 18 months ago at the age of 46. Our half brother was diagnosed in his early 20’s a few years back. We can clearly see the traits in my (un-diagnosed father). I have always been ‘different’, ‘didn’t fit in’ and have struggled with huge emotions and have always thought my ‘troubles’ are more than depression alone. I have social anxiety (although I am an actress; life’s easier with my mask on!). I rejected the notion of Autism because I couldn’t relate to the information that is so widespread. THEN, I started to investigate the traits in females. I have read this article thoroughly (thanks Tania) and can relate to about 80% or more!! I read your book ‘I AM Aspien Woman) and, I believe I too am. I am awaiting a formal assessment. I will be 44 in a couple of weeks.

    Please keep sharing and publishing your findings. Thank you so much.

      1. Hi Tania,

        I wanted to update you – after being on the waiting list for a formal assessment as referred through my GP I met a psychiatrist from the Autism team in April. I had another meeting where my mum was asked to attend to discuss my early years (0-3 years). On Tuesday (2 days ago) I had my 3rd meeting and received a diagnosis of ATS (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). It is thanks to you and particularly this blog (I printed this article and took if to my GP and then passed to the Autism team here in Scotland with my notes added in the margins) that I was able to explain myself and the challenges I have had. I am now being referred to a female Autism network (SWAN – Scottish Women Autism Network) to help me and share/support etc.

        Thank you so much! I feel a huge relief 🙂

      2. Hi Elle-Jay, thank you so much for your wonderful message and great news. I am so happy for you. It is a common theme to feel relief and I am pleased my work is a useful resource. Remember, the diagnosis is just the beginning and you’ll need a roadmap for your future. Take care and thank you again for getting in touch with me, Tania

      3. Thanjs Tania. One small step for aspie women – one giant leap for me 😁 Now my mum (age 69 next in a coupl of weeks) is thinking about assessment. She works with disabled graduates and is looking into an M.A. in Autustic studies as we both feel there is so much work needing done with respect to awareness and training for health professionals and in ‘The workplace’.

  311. Hi Tania, you may recognise me by a photo in my gallery. I read in your book ‘Aspienwoman’ that some females on the spectrum may have tocophobia (which is also mentioned in this post). I, as you will know, am a female Aspie who has tocophobia. I am trying to work through this and have started a blog to help me. Please check it out and share if it is relevant. Here’s the link: https://tocophobiaovertea.wordpress.com/

  312. This is a thorough and interesting list. I’m a male who was suspected of having autism/AS but never got a diagnosis despite having been tested. However, the list describes me almost completely. The few things I don’t have but the list does are ability to socialize and work exceptionally well in one-on-one situations, and being a leader and independent. I never dropped or repeated any classes in high school or university either, but I was close a few times. Pretty much everything else is me. I’m not sure what to make of all of this. Is it possible that in rare cases boys and men could have this “female” type of autism/AS?

  313. Thanks for this. Although female-specific autism awareness has greatly improved in recent years, there is seemingly still a long way to go, at least in my experience. I have almost always been held to, and compared against, a very male-centric idea of autism, and used to be expected to have all the accompanying stereotypical preoccupations like maths and technology (which I am terrible at FYI). I actually didn’t believe for the longest time that I was on the spectrum because there was nothing like this which existed then.

  314. This and similar articles have brought me huge relief. Thank you for shedding light on something that causes so much distress for so many people. So often our male counterparts are diagnosed and get relief early in life. I would be a lot better off now if that had happened to me. The distress and misunderstandings caused by many of the above characteristics do begin to wear on your sanity after a while. Knowing how to deal with the drawbacks will help me develop my gifts more.

  315. Oh my god. This describes me so well and as a middle aged woman this makes so much sense of my life. If only I’d known this as a teenager and got some support and guidance with it! But we live in a different age I guess and I’m certain I’m not the only woman in this situation. It’s like all of a sudden I’ve been given the cipher to unlock an unbreakable code that’s puzzled and frustrated me all my life.

  316. I could just check mark almost the entire list. I got my dx about 3 years ago, and was just recently dx’d with BPD.
    This makes so much sense oh how it was for me growing up. I should mention that I’m now 57 and still just learning all this stuff. I always felt so alone and a “weirdo” growing up,
    I become completely unhinged when under stress and will scratch my arms, chest and sometimes face when stressed.
    Thank you. I got a lot of insight on me with this.

  317. I can relate to many of the traits – being intensely introverted and shy, the necessity of alone, quiet time, feeling very different from my peers, trying to copy them and fit in… I also struggle with anxiety and depression. It’s a real everyday struggle issue, and I am helpless of making myself feel better. I’m wondering if anyone can give advice of how to manage anxiety and depression as a female Aspie?

  318. Dear Tania,

    this article is great, it was just what I needed at this moment. I just have one question. I am a male and I could not identify myself with regular description of Aspergers, but with yours, female I can identify almost completely. Is it possible that males have a female version of Aspergers?

    Thank you for your answer.

    Cal

      1. Cal, it’s not a female form of Aspergers. You’re just you. So what if we’re androgynous? Our brain has borrowed some connections from the gender part to use for other parts. Aspergers is what’s right with us.

        Tania, my dear, thank you for all the hard work you do to help us. Though may I say, you need to turn off your spellchecker and just “use the Force.”

  319. Can you comment on the lack of the ability to verbalize what is going on in your head? I mean is this common in Aspergers? I struggle with this so much as I want to have conversations with people and want to try to explain to my therapist (and others) what is going on, but nothing ever comes out the way I’m feeling it inside as emotion or as thought. (Am I making sense?) It’s just I feel so isolated and have felt so suicidal for a long time. I mean I feel like this is a huge part of social anxiety for me, is not being part of the conversation, because what I say always comes out wrong.

    And because I feel suicidal so often, those closest to me don’t seem to care and all I want is help. But even my therapist who specializes in Autism doesn’t seem to really get the gist of how desperate I feel, because my words don’t match my feelings. (does that make sense?)

    1. Hi, this is extremely common in the Spectrum we call autism and may be due to several reasons. I have found that visual think it is particularly find it hard to put their thoughts into words as they are pictures. Talking about emotions and feelings is a condition called alexithymia. Does Amy is that hep? So you have I AspienWoman

  320. i am a 28 year old nt guy from England

    often i recognise aspergers easily. i have known a few people with it.

    yet my previous relationship was with girl who i only realised was an aspie AFTER we broke up, having been together for almost two years. I had met her family, we had planned to get married etc etc. She is a kind, genuine, caring person… yet the cumulative effect of the intangible dissonance – which i guess at the time, i thought was my fault – caused me to have a mental breakdown.

    had i realised sooner i might have been ok. Had she not been from another culture (eastern european) I may have realised sooner. (without being offensive to anybody, some traits of AS have similarities with the stereotyped characteristics of those fom eastern european culture)

    She fits ALOT of your description above.. i won’t write the list, it is too long.

    she has never had it easy. she’s studying in an expensive foreign country (england), doing a difficult degree.. she has had our rocky relationship as an extra burden…

    I still care about her a great deal. For her sake I tried to suggest that she look into aspergers, she accepted that she had a few of the traits, but was quite dismissive.

    I am not asking for any particular advice, but jotting down my experience feels right. i hope you don’t mind. It is so important for all parties to be aware of, and able to be able to discuss these things.. i am still in therapy to try to get back to my former self! but i will be fine – better than fine – and i have learnt alot.

    1. So glad to hear you’re getting support. Sounds like its just not the right time for your ex to address stuff. All of my relationships and friendships have been difficult – I am still on waiting list for assessment (though the Autism team have identified that I may be; hence why I am still on their list. They are a small team with a big list). I am female and 44 years old.

      I have recently been disclosing my possible diagnosis to a few ex boyfriends and close friends; with mixed responses, so agree with Tania that everyone can benefit from knowing how this condition affects people. I wish I had known !ong ago.

      Best wishes.

      1. Thanks both for your kind comments.

        and Elle-Jay, I hope that the world provides you with happiness and plenty of good luck.

        And thanks for your advice – I guess it isn’t the right time for my ex to address stuff. At least she can ponder on it when she feels it’s the right time.

        re my initial post, in my prev. relationship we had a run of bad luck so it wasn’t just the AS / NT combination that was the problem. For some it seems to really work. 🙂

  321. Loved reading this and learning more about myself, wish it hadn’t been picked up so late as my life has been so difficult

  322. Wow. I’ve just been reading all about myself! I’m not diagnosed with ASD but have been ‘depressed’ for 20 years.
    My son is recently diagnosed with ASD and my daughter is currently waiting to be assessed. I haven’t the courage to go to my Dr to ask for referral; I just daren’t in case they think I’m being over the top. But I think I know really, deep down. I can’t stop reading about it and it has inadvertently become a ‘special interest ‘ – my sons is cars/Lego and my daughters is Harry Potter and The Sims. And we’re all obsessed with Glee. Should I see my doctor? Can I bypass the Dr and go to someone else? I’m going to get these books, they look fantastic. Best wishes, Elizabeth.

    1. Hi Elizabeth thank you for your comments. I’m a strong believer in assessment and diagnosis at any age. I believe it’s never too late to receive a diagnosis and it provides much understanding for the person, self understanding is extremely important as is learning how to manage the challenges while focusing on the strengths

  323. Hi Tania, much of your description is very familiar to anyone who has the hypermobility type of Ehlers-Danos Syndrome. Your article was forwarded to me by someone else in an EDS-HT Facebook group. In case you haven’t already heard of Dr Sharon Meglathery’s theory about some candidate genes for it, here’s her website. She’s a psychiatrist in the USA and has EDS-HT herself and she shares her professional observations about various comorbidities. I hope you find it as interesting as I did. http://www.rccxandillness.com

  324. One of my favorite sayings,” I feel like I was born in the wrong era” or “I was ment for another time” I don’t fit in. I hate talking to people, parents, husbands. It’s almost painful to be forced out of my safe zone and have to socialize. It’s a challenge with my children sometimes. I need and want to be by myself. I really dont like to talk. Id rather not talk at all. Reading, writing and drawing are what i mostly do. I have meltdowns in job situations when the require constant interaction with others. The one job i absolutely loved and did great at, till more people where added was painting in construction. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, been to therapist and psychologist. None have helped, I think they belive I’m crazy. When having a conversation, I like to paint an oil painting about our conversation in my head. I told this to one doctor and now she wont see me anymore. I being touch by anyone. I had to teach myself to be “okay” with my children’s needs for hugs, being held or even saying “I love you” 13 years after my oldest son was born. Being close to my children was easy and being hugged by them was wonderful. It came to a point that my children are/where my everything and I had a very set routine. I drive the same way every time. If I have to take a different route it feels wrong, it upsets my like I did something bad. I over think conversationshe over analyzing everything trying to figure out when and where I said or did something wrong. I rarely watch TV or movies. Rocking or rubbing something makes me feel calm. I try very hard not to do that in front of others. I feel like I have to live to different lives, the fake normal who struggles to fit it with the world and me who can be who I really am because I make others uncomfortable. This is just a few problems I deal with, there’s so much more. Where do I go for help.

  325. Thank you for sharing your research, knowledge and expertise with the world. I have found this resource extremely valuable. 2 questions: How can I gather more information on a diagnostic assessment and is your book available on audio?

    Thank you!
    Jeannetta

  326. I’ve had depression that has inhibited me in every part of my life for over four years now, but having read this and a few other lists of ‘female’ symptoms of Autism, I’m wondering/hoping/dreading if I might actually be Aspien instead. Some of these things on here are downright uncanny. And even though those with Autism would probably find this turn of phrase insulting, I can’t help but wonder how knowing this helps me to ‘fix myself’ (or rather to cope or overcome it).

    A lot of these things are still true today but in particular, I’ve been very intelligent since I was young, teachers used to say that I ‘soaked up knowledge like a sponge’. I had tons of collections, I collected pencils, rocks, unicorn figurines, dinosaur figures, Sailor Moon Cards, Pokemon Cards, Books (a lot of them I still have). I didn’t like to throw things away, it felt like a waste, even if it was something I didn’t want or knew I would never use, not things like obvious trash, but pretty clothing tags or McDonalds Toys or lists I’d written, or notes for a story. I was very interested in art and writing and loved animals, I never had trouble discerning Reality and Fantasy but I did make up very involved stories (though I kept them to myself mostly). I was extremely artistic, and studied it in College, but never finished my degree. I loved fantasy and science fiction writing, and would read non-stop, tons of books, but wouldn’t read anything else, even things I was supposed to read for school. I had a superb memory for facts, I remembered everything any told me that was interesting or that I read or saw on Discovery Channel, people found me to be extremely smart, but numbers flew out of my head. I had trouble remembering dates of events and multiplication tables, and trouble with spelling. In other words I remembered anything I found interesting but had trouble remembering things that were uninteresting.

    I didn’t like interacting with others as a child, but my mother ran a daycare so I didn’t have much choice in the matter. I preferred to be by myself, usually drawing or reading, even up late into the night. I was shy and afraid to talk to strange adults, and found social cliques of other children to be difficult to understand and I had no desire to enter them, and I was often alone, even though I could talk to others just fine in social situations. Long times of forced social interaction (like school) were stressful and I often felt like I had to ‘recharge’. Change without warning was very upsetting, as was when rules, even social or imagined ones, weren’t followed. Even things like having pizza for breakfast felt wrong. When people lied or did the wrong thing, especially if they got away with it I felt very offended. Mostly I was behaved in school, but I did occasionally have ‘a tantrum’ mostly if I didn’t agree with what the teacher was doing, or thought I wasn’t being treated fairly or correctly by other students. When others were angry or upset it really distressed me, when adults were talking to me very seriously or scolding me even a little, I would cry without being able to control myself, even knowing it was weird. I had trouble talking on phones, trouble remembering people based on their name or face. Doing things I hadn’t done before felt overwhelming, especially school work, like reports, and I would often use avoidance tactics, or procrastination. This really got me into a lot of trouble, as you could imagine. I would get A’s on tests, but forget or not bother to do homework or projects, which confused my teachers. I found doing nothing or doing wrote

    I had ‘boyish’ tastes in toys, though I liked to dress up barbies I didn’t play with them much otherwise, but preferred legos, computer games and video games, or arts and crafts, as well as dinosaurs. I didn’t care about how I dressed, only that it was comfortable, to the point of dressing like a slump, (until adulthood, when it suddenly felt important and I became very finicky with it). I was afraid to drive a car as a teen, but necessity forced me to learn. I was also afraid to take the bus, when my car wasn’t available. I was certain I would get lost and wouldn’t be able to find my way back home. I had all-or-nothing thinking, fear of doing things incorrectly, felt inordinate sense of being insulted, and simultaneously worthless, when I was criticized, even gently, for anything. I had few friends and those I did have relied on them to continue the relationship. If a relationship got tedious (like they demanded more attention and effort than I was willing to give), I would avoid the person until the friendship dissolved on it’s own, this also went for romantic relationships. I didn’t like to have to ‘hang out’ and found any effort on my part to be social outside of school to be tedious. I didn’t like parties, I found social interaction very boring and had few friends and rarely did things like sleepovers or outings. I found asking for help, or approaching people I didn’t know to be distressing, even including cashiers or attendants, things like that. I didn’t like filling out forms, and I can’t even say why exactly, they should be easy, but they feel overwhelming. Many things felt strangely overwhelming but I knew they shouldn’t be, so I told myself I was being ridiculous, or my parents said I was being lazy, and later it was blamed on my depression.

    Even now, I’m wondering if it makes sense to bring it up to someone else and maybe get help. Like is considering if I have Asburger’s some kind of secret desire to be special or to blame my issues on something, which will just make me look silly or narcissistic, or do I have a case?

  327. Thanks for the eye-opening article, Tania! So much of what you say resonates with me. In particular:

    “Naivety, innocence, trusting too much and taking others literally are a powerful concoction for being misused and abused”

    Makes me feel better about some situations I’ve been in and choices that I’ve made.

    I was obsessed with jigsaw puzzles as a child and have built a career as a freelance graphic designer. I’ve done my best to build on my Aspienwoman traits, way before I even knew that I had them.

  328. Hi Tania and all the Aspiens, I hope you can cast some insight into an idea that has been bouncing around my head like a ping pong ball for a while now ( at 62 I can look back on the years and get a perspective of my early life and now). The question – is autism a health issue or another type of humanity, I don’t feel broken and I have always had the core idea that I was fine but everyone else was different – I can recognize other aspies easily now. As I became more aware of myself and understood the differences of other people I felt sorry for them. They missed out on the incredible and colourful ideas and inner life that I had, I see in pictures, my senses cross over and I feel what I see or hear ect. and I came to understand that this was not the ‘norm’. How many of the huge leaps in human advancement have been aspies driven, where would the world have been without them. I believe we are changing the world to accommodate more and more of us and the world is becoming more asperger friendly. Silicon Valley, going to war with drones, online shopping, banking, people living in their own small spaces, mobile phones – not having to talk to people face to face, home entertainment centres – not having to go to the movies with the public, home deliveries or drive through for our food – not having to cook or deal with people, working from home and never having to leave our space if we don’t want to, online dating – again not having to meet face to face until we feel comfortable, the rise in robotic help with no need to have people do the job – they have just developed an artificial womb – hey no need to give birth, just pick up your baby at the next window, all this points to an aspie heaven where we can live in our own spaces and meet on our own terms and all our needs taken care of. With all the wars and conflicts around us are we what will rise from the ashes to continue the evolution of mankind as we reach for the stars. Please just think about it, as I said I have the perspective of 62 years to see how far we have come.
    Regards Sharon

    1. Yass!!!!! Hello – I felt like I was listening to myself reading your message there! HOW REFRESHING! My whole family are AS – most don’t know it yet though (or are still full of fear/denial). I am 47 – was diagnosed just over 2 years ago (my brother is 50 – diagnosed at 46…my mum is 71 – un-diagnosed, but self-identifies).

      I grew up feeling we were ‘normal’ lol! We are! Everyone is! Neuro-diversity is the future.

      I just discovered that Greta Thunberg is Autistic – she is amazing and is leading the path for positive-healthy aspies (In my opinion).

      I’d thoroughly recommend reading some of her views on being aspie (if you haven’t already?)…SO refreshing:)

  329. Many women with aspergers end up having severely autistic children. Interesting.

  330. Hi, I am a 34 year old female and recently lost my job. I have lost jobs before due to a poor concept of time (or I was late often), but this time was different. I think I had a meltdown, and I was lead to check-out autism which lead me to asperger’s. I identify with your sites assessment qualities found in people with asperger’s. I would like to have a skype assessment with you (Tania) if I can. Please let me know if that is a possibility.

  331. Hi Tania,
    I have at LEAST 2 to 3 traits under each category. What should I read next?
    Thanks

  332. This sounds so much like me it is scary. Do you have any doctor recommendations or ways to find a doctor in the Henderson/Las Vegas area to be evaluated? I have been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline, anxiety, depression and nothing has helped and reading this fit my symptoms more than any of those other diagnoses.

  333. Hi Tania. Thank-you so much for this blog. I’m 54 and with the help of your blog, I got my therapist to see that I am on the spectrum. This has been a huge relief. I’ve always known I’ve been different but could never put my finger on it. First we thought I might be bipolar, but my mom disputed that fact. She said I was nothing like my bipolar dad, I was more like my maternal aunt and Grandpa. I got an ADHD diagnosis 6 years ago, and that seemed to address some of my behaviours but obviously not all.

    A friend who might also be ASD posted in a group I belong to, your blog post on preschool girls and how what signs they show. It was so revealing. That 30 point list gave me a AHA moment, and I printed the blog and brought it to my therapist. I’d asked him often in the past 6 years if he wasn’t sure I might not be on the spectrum, and each time he’d say no. After bringing your blog and discussing each point and how it applied to me, he saw me in a completely different light.

    How can you explain your different to people if you don’t have the words, don’t know what it’s like to be normal. My normal is me. Anyways a HUGE HUGE thankyou for sharing your work with others.

    I have recently given my permission to be evaluated to a group of people doing reseach in female Autistm in French in Quebec and hope that in the future women have an easier time getting the support and help they need.

    KNowing is half the battle!

  334. When I read this article by Samantha Craft and I got a shock of my life. Many of these traits I experienced as a child and many in my adult life. Certain characteristics I could never put in words, such as the way I used to be as child, watching everything and its was as if an adult version of me was interpreting the enviroment and people around me, I could hear myself explaining situations,reasoning etc yet I was only in primary school, I know for a fact that I can relate to more than 80% of those characteristocs and theabove article and it scares me but at the same time I am overjoyed with the fact that I can now put a name to my intense feelings of being different. I always felt confused and complex, I like being alone but hating it at the same time, I am both an introvety and extrovert depending on my mood. I JUST NEVER FITTED IN WITH THE TRADITIONAL CATEGORIES OF NORMAL PEOPLE. Now I know why and it bring me great happiness but also great fear of not knowing, what do I do next now that I know…….?

  335. I have Asperger’s I was diagnosed at the age of 7 because I used to “mirror play” and never got involved in social activities with anyone including my family. I’m 19 now and the father of my child is much older than me ((32) he used to manipulate me the whole relationship and I was blind to it. He even stopped me from leaving the house hiding phones and smashing up the place to stop me from talking to my family, I forgave him time after time. He even hospitalized me during pregnancy, scared me to the point I started bleeding at 24 weeks of pregnancy. He constantly called me mentally unstable, threatening custody before she was even here. I believed I was, I even believed it was my fault that he was doing all that, I left him soon after Melody was born. I never truly feel like I am being myself when I am around people even close friends, I try so hard to fit in sometimes it can feel exhausting. When I’m around family all that changes I can be my goofy inappropriate thoughtless self.. but until my daughter came along (she is my strength) I had crippling anxiety problems, I used to feel embarrassed to speak around strangers (weird I know) like I could go an hour in a room with a group of more than three without speaking If one of them was someone I did not know. I used to severely self harm and often thought of suicide because I didn’t know how to be “normal”. All that has changed now I am seeking help to understand who I am and how Asperger’s doesn’t make me a “stupid” person and why It’s apart of my forgiving oblivious nature which I now find beautiful, now I just want to be the best I can be for my daughter, she just turned 4 months.

    1. Hi Maddi and thank you for your message. Due to being in a busy private practice and bookwriting I’m not able to reply to specific comments but I am available for consultations or comprehensive diagnostic impressions assessments should you wish to seek further clarification or assistance. If so I can be reached at tania@ AspienGirl.com

  336. Hi Tania,
    It was a great relief for me to discover that I fit the aspien female profile. Now everything makes sense. I’d be willing to be involved in research on this topic. I am both articulate and analytical. I have an MA in Arts Research, was a university lecturer and am an internationally published fantasy author.
    Rowena

  337. I have a young friend whom I feel has many of these traits…and am wondering if being diagnosed somehow would make her feel better about herself. She always feels awful after her coping mechanisms fail and she let’s her anger out on her family…but I really think she can’t help it.
    She is 21 now…

  338. Wow!!! Alot of these describes me well.
    Even one of my friends. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADD, Generalized anxiety disorder and my psychiatrist stated that there is something else there too.
    I never would talk much as a child. I would never respond to people talking to me even though I understood everything they said.And had an intense fear of being at someone’s house even if my mother was there. That carried over into my young adult years. I’ve since overcome that 16 years ago.

    I have spent many years practicing conversations with people and talking to myself since my childhood. I never once thought this was an issue.
    It has however really helped me in social situations.I have always had pets in my adult years. I find it easier to talk to talk to people when I talk about my current love my cat Zoey. They always laugh and smile when I tell them the things she does. If also notice I’m very childlike but no one seems to mind. I love to joke around with my friends but once I get home I feel like I’m in a little shell.
    I have trouble in romantic situations. I been hurt so much I don’t express feelings anymore. I don’t even know how to respond and have an emotional feeling when my friends tell me they love me. I just don’t feel anything.
    I don’t date anymore due to trust issues.

  339. A lot of this was so accurate that I could hardly believe it!

    I got to the tocophobia part and actually gasped because I definitely identify with that… but would NEVER have associated that with Asperger’s. Ever!

    And then I got to the Unique Abilities/Strengths and was blown away because I fit pretty much everything there… and I’m proud of my perfect pitch! (…. Maybe too proud? :D)

    Suffice it to say that this has probably become my new favorite webpage.

    1. Dear Aliza thank you for your message and I’m so glad this is a helpful resource please focus on your abilities and strengths especially your perfect page research shows there is more perfect pitch in the autistic population than the general population. Thank you again and take care

  340. I can’t wait to get an official diagnosis. I had an epiphany and cried when I finally found the answer to my life long question. What’s wrong with me? Nothing! I’m just an aspie. It’s like this is written about me. I felt like I was reading about my life. My suicidal life because I never got the help I needed. But now I can.

  341. Omg most if not all apply to me. Autism was not a diagnosis back in my day and was shunned for bad parenting. Same with add and adhd. I’ve always felt I was different and seem to.connect with other people on the autism spectrum.

  342. 100 percent of this is a description of me. I so badly want to talk to someone about the impact these traits have had on my life. I don’t have a diagnosis, am in my late 50s, and don’t know if I should even pursue it, but I think I’d like to know for sure. My son has Aspergers and my daughter has ADHD, and I think my father also has Aspergers. I struggle inside daily in ways most people wouldn’t be aware of, and although I have had great education and wonderful work experiences, I am underemployed and struggle in the typical office setting. I’ve done the best I could, but now am so unsure of what to do with my life. You would think I would have it figured out by now, but strangely, it seems to have become more difficult the older I’ve become.

  343. Hello!this is me and i got even more😁 i got i daughter in the spectrum autisum i will love to chat with you,please let me know .thank you so much, EmiliaT

  344. Hello,

    Is it possible to be Aspie even if you had a normal childhood ? Psychiatrists and doctors don’t want to diagnose me with Asperger just because I had a normal development as a child (I started having issues at 6-7 years old). But so many things on this list apply to me and most Aspie women seem to be diagnosed when they are adult.

    1. I was 50 years old when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Although I developed normally as a child nobody was aware that I had an autistic spectrum disorder until I came into contact with people that have experience of autistic spectrum disorders and particularly of asperger’s syndrome. I hope that this information is of some help to you.

  345. Tania,
    I am 20 years old and I was diagnosed with SPD around age 4. I have been doing a lot of research lately that has led me to believe that I may have Asperger’s as well.
    I have never been able to feel like part of the group when in large groups, much preferring and feeling more comfortable in 1-on-1 friendships. From the time I was quite young I would get very jealous of friends’ time, especially if the person was spending time with a mutual friend. The things I say and/or do are very often misunderstood by others, while I am completely oblivious to that fact until explicitly told I’ve offended someone. I’ve never felt like I was really able to master the way I’m “supposed” to act around people, and the things I’ve been reading about women with AS being good chameleons and often not getting diagnosed because they are able to copy the social behaviors of their peers has really resonated with me. I’ve always felt like I was copying others’ behavior while not fully understanding it.
    Not all of the symptoms of women with AS have resonated with me, such as obsessions (though I frequently will fixate on a certain topic or thing for a short time, perhaps a couple of weeks, before moving on to something else. This has typically been with things like reading, crocheting, coloring in a coloring book, etc. Whatever the thing is will be all I want to do in my free time, no exceptions. This behavior has lessened as I’ve gotten older, but it still happens on a semi-regular basis.) But I’ve never been obsessed with one particular consistent thing except dance (I’m majoring in it in college and plan to pursue a professional career).
    Now that I’m older, married, and not living with my parents I find that I hate hosting parties of any kind at our apartment because I’ll have to interact with people and they will be in my space and it’s just a lot to have happening all at once. And they might move things or be too loud and that might just be too much to handle. I’ve never been fond of large crowds such as concerts or sporting events, either. Once I’m sitting down it’s ok, but if I have to get up and walk around or once it’s time to leave, I’d much rather wait until most people have left before getting up to leave. The large crowd is just very overwhelming.
    I’ve always been very naive and easily fooled; when I was young my mom used to tell me when, if I’d been spending a lot of time with a certain friend, I’d started using some of their mannerisms and or speech patterns unconsciously; I tend to over share. I often practice what I’m going to say before I say it, to the point that I often just don’t end up participating in conversations because I’ve been rehearsing what to say for so long that the conversation has changed topic; I have an extremely difficult time filtering out conversations other than my own in the same room; I am obsessively on-time or keeping track of the time. I was quite clumsy as a child and teenager.
    Many many other things on the list describe me, but that would take a long time. I’m sorry this is so long, but as I get older the more apparent my struggles become to me. I’m not completely sure if Asperger’s is the reason I’ve felt different my whole life, but it’s the closest thing I’ve been able to find so far and I just keep coming back to it. Do you think it would be worth it to try to get assessed in my area?
    Thank you for your time,
    Allison

    1. Dear Allison, thank you for your message. You certainly sound like you’ve got some traits and it would be worthy of an investigation. I’m not sure where you live as it is difficult to find someone that is experienced and trained. Have you had a look to see if there’s anyone where you live that is both experienced and trained in assessing females? Tania

  346. Thank you thank you thank you! I am in tears reading this, feeling so understood. I am 49 years old and am just now self-diagnosing. I am nodding and nodding along, yes, I do that – until #16 and that’s when I just started crying. That’s me!
    Perfect pitch – haha! Since I was little I always had the very strong feeling that I had possibly lost my copy of the manual – you are so awesome for starting to write one. I have some things that I wonder if they fit in #16-17 – may I email you?

  347. I almost choked on my food reading this. I have been split from my ex for almost 6 months now. I was told by therapist that she was a borderline with covert narcissist traits. However, she fits everyone of these things listed except she didn’t have a lot of empathy and was extremely evil with no empathy or compassion when she was mad. The only thing that the therapists couldn’t figure out is she still today won’t deny that she loves me. They never mentioned asperber! It was also odd how she steady love bomb me even through the devalue stage for the entire 3 years. I never seen a true full narcissist pattern, although she had many of the traits. Her behavior drove me so crazy in the end that I told her she was a narcissist and I actually began verbally abusing her for her chaos. I’m just wondering if this condition can exist with narcissist/borderlines or if she was labeled wrong? She was dyslexic and appeared to be mildly autistic.

    1. Hi Chad, thank you for your message and yes I have met many women with Asperger’s who have narcissistic traits or full blown narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Sometimes the compensatory mechanisms or coping mechanisms of being an undiagnosed person with Asperger’s are narcissistic traits. Regardless of the diagnosis, these people are toxic to a healthy relationship, however understanding and awareness can be helpful to a partner. When anyone is explosive or angry, it is difficult for them to be empathetic. My guess is they didn’t mention female Aspergers as they don’t know anything about it, as it is a relatively new condition. My advice would be that she would need to be diagnosed by somebody who is both experienced and trained in working with females with Aspergers and personality disorders. You could also have a session just yourself with someone who is experienced with these kinds of people. Yes, they are very complex people. I wish you well. If you would like my help, please email me at tania@aspiengirl.com
      I hope my work is a helpful resource for you

  348. I reallllllly need help!! I was recently assessed by BASS and one of the first things they said was 80% of people don’t get through. I had lots of tests and, despite fitting lots if not nearly all the symptoms, they said I don’t have autism. I’m now heavily depressed, suicidal and still struggling with knowing I’m different and not knowing what to do next.

  349. Hello. Ive suspected i had autism or aspergers for only a week, but ive been doing lots and lots of research on it and about the topic. Im so glad i found this list, i have read trough the whole thing and i possess atleast 115 of these traits. So i think i definently have aspergers. I just dont know how to get diagnosed. Im only 15 years old and i dont want to tell my mom, because i have a feeling that she wont believe me, or think im being ridiculous. I dont know who to talk to about this, and i dont want to tell anyone because theyd be like “well you look and act normal so you can have aspergers” even tho i only look and act normal so i can fit in. Please help, i dont know what to do. Thanks X breanna baker

    1. Dear Breanna, I really feel for you because you’re under the age of 18 or if you’re in the United States 21 you’re going to need to talk to your mum or your dad about it when I was suggest is downloading my assessment tools or getting my books and going through them with your mum or dad or your doctor and seeing if you can get a referral to someone like me who could assess and diagnose you. I’m sorry I can’t do more to help you and please understand that you’re not alone there are millions of girls like you all over the world identifying with my work or other professionals work and wanting a diagnosis as an exclamation of why they feel different there is nothing wrong with you your brain is just why are differently and that means you have some unique gift. Take care Tania http://www.aspiengirl.com. http://www.taniamarshall.com taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com

  350. Hi I’ve been recommended by a good friend ive not been diagnosed. Reading thought people have said has help me have more of an understanding on how i think feel my awareness around me and attachement I need and the lose of someone are something cousers me distress i allow poeple in to my life I don’t want them to leave and go to great length to keep them

  351. Dear Tania,

    thank you for this site. I came here yesterday completely by chance, I’ve known all my life that I was somewhat peculiar, but really, I’ve never thought that I might be certifiable. Now, thanks to everything you’ve written here, to all the comments I’ve read (I didn’t manage to read all – my question might be in one of them…), to an online test that I did on aspergerstestsite.com, I come to the conclusion that I very probably do have Asperger’s. But, contrary to all the other people I’ve been reading about, I don’t feel relieved, I feel like a sad, unnatural and almost certified idiot. So, I just wanted to ask: so what? Why do people need to find out about them having Asperger’s syndrome? There’s no cure, right? You just find out that you are not only somewhat-different-from-other-people, not only “need to be alone after being among people”, not only “don’t enjoy social occasions and don’t know how to socialize”, but that there is a name for it and most of your peculiarities can be explained by the same thing. But – so what? I’ve been learning to live with myself all my life, I’ve been understanding new things about me all the time, it did help. Since I read this yesterday, I’ve had a night full of nightmares and now I just sit here and cry. So – why did I need to know this? I mean, how is this supposed to help? Right now, it only disabled me…

    1. Dear Marina this is such an important question and topic and I am going to do a video on this and the video will be uploaded on my Facebook YouTube and Vimeo sites. I hear you say “so what?” through out your message to me and I would like to answer that because it is a very important question to answer and also to get people like you who think “so what”? to think a little bit differently about it. I have several social media sites if you can follow me on Facebook you’ll be able to find a video in the future. I also have a YouTube account and Several social media accounts where you can follow my work. Thank you for asking this question because it is my third book that this particular topic is entirely about Tania if you would like my help at all I am available for fee-based consultations via Skype or in person at Tania@aspiengirl.com

  352. I’m in the UK and there was a BBC programme on autism last night. I studied a psychology degree with the Open Uni in the UK and avoided the section on autism! As time has gone on I realise I fit the aspie profile in many ways and also fit many of the above traits. I’m hyper sensitive to sound, yet if I’m talking to someone on the phone and there is background noise cannot hear them, in fact similar happens when I’m talking to someone face to face as if the background noise is somehow more important; hyper sensitive to annoying people, hate conflict, am very familiar (now) with sensory overload (but didn’t have a name for it before); I get socially anxious but also over compensate; this means a stress overload and some less pleasant stomach side effects. Never been diagnosed; thought maybe I had ADD but because of the hyper sensitivity (to others as well as myself) it’s as if the aspie profile fits better; I do enjoy socialising but also find it draining; take comfort in my own company but can also get lonely; I have spent 10 years counselling people and have a big interest in the esoteric; I see patterns quite easily in other people’s behaviours which helps me know how to respond to them. It’s quite exhausting at times. Never had a diagnosis and don’t fit the prevalent frame if following an “aspergers” diagnostic test which I’ve done at various intervals. I consider myself an empath to the point of putting my own needs on the backburner, so imperative it is for my survival. Grateful for some tools to point me in the right direction!

    1. You’re very welcome and your story is very common many psychotherapists are on the spectrum and many Aspies are also Empaths. Your pattern recognition in human behaviour and your empathic abilities make Aspies good therapists. It is imperative for your survival to learn and practice shielding techniques and I highly recommend you get a diagnosis from someone who is both trained and experienced and has worked in the area for a long time. If you need any help from me I am available for fee-based consultations via Skype or zoom or other encrypted platforms. If you would like my assistance please don’t hesitate to email me at tania@aspiengirl.com And my assistant will help you schedule an appointment with me all the best and thank you for your message

  353. I read this list after ending up here from another web page and felt as though I said yes, that’s me to most of the things here…this is how my life is, i thought it was like this for everyone but perhaps not. I’m not sure what to do next. I’ve struggled for all my life but not known why. I was trying to read this for a friend. I knew I’d have most of the traits listed though.

    1. Hi Sarah many people identify with this list and it’s a great screening tool used by many professionals what I would suggest is depending on where you live try to find someone who is both experienced and trained in this area and works full-time in the Syria if you can’t find someone willing to help you please email me at Tania@aspiengirl.com and I can help you via Skype consultations. I hope so have two books called I am AspienGirl and I Am AspienWoman which may be helpful I’m glad my work is a helpful resource. Tania

  354. I’m comforted and terrified by the fact I relate to the majority of traits it explains past and present life/job/ family issues

    1. Sara, it’s Tania, please don’t be terrified because you relate to the majority of these traits. Most people find then A relief and comfort. The terror is usually about what do I do now? Can you find someone trained and experienced in this area? If not I’m available to help at tania@aspiengirl.com take care I Also have written two books

  355. I came here curious but thought that I’d be learning more about people around me… Then it’s as if you’re talking about me for a majority of these and I can’t stop crying. No idea why I’m scared to talk to my therapist about this. Thank you for making this list.

    1. Dear MissMiaulin, thank you for your message and you are only one of hundreds that message me weekly in tears when They read this. It is because they Have finally found themselves and found the answers they have been searching for their entire lives. You are so welcome to this list and I’m glad it’s helpful and useful resource. If you would like my assistance via Skype or in clinic please email my assistant Jo at tania@aspiengirl.com you might find my websites my blog and my books useful as well take care And please excuse any grammatical errors as I am using Siri take care, Tania

  356. Hi,
    I was diagnosed with ADHD at 43.
    I have had over 50 jobs. My new
    DVR counselor just asked me if I
    have been diagnosed with autism?
    I am now 56. A lot on your list
    seems to fit.

    Is there a Venn diagram of where
    ADHD and autism in older women overlap? What do I do now? I live in Seattle.
    Thank you, Alwaysthelasttoknow

    1. Hi Danya, many females on the autism spectrum have One or more of the seven types of ADHD. I would suggest getting a diagnosis because I believe that will bring you much self understanding of self awareness I don’t know of anyone in Seattle that works specifically on a full-time basis with females but if you like my assistance via Skype I can be reached at tania@aspiengirl.com you might find my book I Am AspienWoman helpful take care and thank you for your message Tania

  357. I have most of the traits you list here and I have been to multiple psychologists and psychiatrists who all diagnose different problems with me (and a sundry list of medications to “fix me”), but none that quite fit. I have been told I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Anxiety, PTSD and mild Schizophrenia and when I have mentioned my Asperger’s traits, they say quite readily that I don’t have that because: (then they list the MALE traits). It is so frustrating to know myself so well and have no one listen. I know the science community can lag behind when it comes to women’s specific issues but, it is quite detrimental to our community to be completely disregarded and men so readily accepted even if it’s the same ‘disorder”. I say “disorder” in quotes, because I don’t think it is a bad thing, but a gift that the world has a hard time accepting as normalcy. For me, being diagnosed would assist with acceptance into programs which teach and instruct how to cope existing in a 2 dimensional world when you are a 3rd,4th or 5th dimensional thinker. It is very isolating thinking so deeply and in multiple levels and then trying to communicate and relate to people who are on only one plane of existence. I sometimes feel like a University Professor in a kindergarten class (I am not trying to sound derogatory to people without this brain, but it is the honest way I feel trying to relate my thoughts on a simple plane)
    I would like the resources to be able to cope better with the transition. These government run resources only are gifted to those who are diagnosed. I feel so exhausted fighting for my words to be heard.
    Thank you for listing out my life in an orderly checklist of, for me, a greater confirmation that I am not sick or crazy, but just an undiagnosed Aspie Woman. I will keep trying to find an iconoclastic doctor who will have the foresight to listen in a relatively backward world.
    It means a lot to know there is a whole world of us out there… what an amazing town would be, if we all were in one place together. No judgements, just happily accepted.!

    1. Hello and thank you for your message and there is a whole world of you out there but I would recommend that you go to someone who is trained experienced and educated in the female profile or I fear that you will be let down by many more professionals. And grateful that my work is helpful resource to you. Tania

  358. Almost everything is so accurate …I feel saw get relieved …I wish I could find the way to deal with it ..life is going to be so tough for me..I can tell !!!!

    1. Hi Sandra and thank you for leaving a message. Relief is the first emotion that people feel when they have receive their diagnosis. Life actually does get better for those that have been diagnosed there is a what next section and a great future ahead, once you understand yourself, your strengths and your challenges (and how to manage them). I am the available for fee-based consultations with you should you wish to talk to me, at tania@aspiengirl.com

  359. Hi Tanya. Last week i thought i was going insane, i googled ‘i think my wife is making me crazy’ and stumbled upon AS, and realised for the first time in 20 years she is AS. She mentioned it to me a few times in the past, that she believed she has AS, but she also believes she has everything else too, week by week its something new, anxiety, depression, ocd, eds, heart problems, stomach problems, bowel problems, you name it shes in to it. Doctors roll their eyes, i have seen this, different meds, hospitals u name it nothing helps or changes anything. I love my wife, the marriage works, but ive always known she was not the same as any other woman on earth, i think thats why i love her so much, but at the same time she has unknowingly messed me up real bad, the moment i actually realised she is AS, i realised its not me, its not even her doing this, its us. I had a thread hanging on to my inner self about to let go. Im so thankfull i got to figure it out just before i was about to lose my mind. I have spent half my life trying to figure her out, its been a continous challenge, i have always tried to be accomodating, ive had to be, but now i know why. I think i just love her more now, im in tears writing this now, i can barely see the screen. Thankyou. Loving spouse of AS (undiagnosed)

    1. Dear Nick thank you for your touching message. There is lots of hope out there. You can’t read my blog so look at my Facebook and find out lots more of information through my videos on Vimeo or YouTube I also have a book called I Am AspienWoman, which I believe will help you very much and understanding your wife and will help her also if you’d like any help from me I’m available for fee-based consultations you just need to email my personal assistant Jo at tania@aspiengirl.com

  360. Holy shit. I’ve never fully related to something so much before. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety (really really bad social anxiety), and borderline personality disorder. My doctor once thought I had ADHD too but i stopped going to her. I’ve tried DBT but couldn’t relate to much of it and the techniques didn’t really work. I kind of gave up on the endless counselling. I’m currently a uni student (dropped a lot of courses and currently finally finished my first year (after 3 years). Almost everything here describes me.

  361. I would like to thank you for helping me understand my fiance better. After reading this I can understand her actions and moods better.

  362. Hi,

    I have read your article thoroughly and feel very understood. But I also have suffered trauma and have PTSD so don’t know if this is clouding my judgement.

    I asked a previous very good psychologist if I was Aspie, she said no as I have way too much empathy and can maintain eye contact.

    Your article allowed me to breathe out and relax. Without 2nd guessing
    Then I feel like crying because I am understood.

    I don’t want to self diagnos so who do I see to help me.

    I live in a hicksville small town (Which is very exhausting for a street wise girl brought up in Marvellous Melbourne).Australia. It is called Tin Can Bay. Queensland.

    The nearest town is Gympie Qld.

    I love your style of writing, it gets to the point and leaves no stone unturned.

    Waiting your reply

    Jude

    1. Jude, thank you for your message and I’m pleased to hear that my blog has been a useful resource to you. Thank you for your compliments about my writing. It’s very difficult to find a professional to assist although I do live somewhat close to you. If you’d like my fee-based assistance please email my personal assistant Jo at tania@aspiengirl.com

  363. Completely baffled.
    It’s like I have just found the manual of me.
    Down to PTSS happening along the way (multiple in my case; the therapist who gave me the diagnosis added: “and you’re the first we’ve ever come across who’s actually come out of it by herself.” I just decided that was going to come out and figured out how)
    After reading this list I finally get how I got it in the first place.
    And the list is very comforting. There’s a normal to my weirdness. Grin. Big grin.

  364. Hi, I was crying as I read this post. I identify with all but a few points. I am not diagnosed, but have always been weird in so many ways. As a child, I was dreadful. Meltdowns all the time. As I got into my late 20s, it started to change. University was hell, my parents were always so supportive even though I must have been a real disappointment. Mum tells me otherwise, but I just never seemed to be able to get anything right. I’m in the process of getting a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and wonder if other aspie ladies have this. Is it necessary for me to get a formal diagnosis, as I’m 99% sure I’m an aspie? Thanks. Claire xx

    1. Hi Claire thank you for your message it’s quite commonly seeing in my practice for women with an undiagnosed autism or Aspergers to have fibromyalgia and other conditions. Im not one for self diagnosis and also I don’t know your situation so it’s difficult for me to answer your question. If you would like my assistance I can be reached at tania@aspiengirl.com

  365. My mom suspected that I had aspergers do for years, but didn’t tell me. I got fussed at four not being normal like my other siblings. And because I was home schooled my whole life until college I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal. I tried to figure out if I had it when I turned 21. But the doctors I talked to said if my parents weren’t there I couldn’t be diagnosed. I have taken the aspergers test online. Some online were 10 questions and others were 2 hours of questions. I always scored a 9/10 or 8/10. I have wanted to know more about it. But, don’t how know to get to get diagnose. I don’t think I will get much support from my parents on the matter. I sometimes wonder if getting diagnosed if it would help with my job or understand people better. I can be an extrovert when meeting people but then I go back to being an introvert. Am I too old to be diagnosed now (I am 30 years old)? Do I have to my parents there to be diagnosed? Is there a support group that I could connect to that isn’t expensive? (I am on low income) and yes I am female

    1. Hi Lydia thank you for your message You’re never too old to be diagnosed or to receive support. Know your parents don’t have to be there for you to be assessed and diagnosed although parental reports are very helpful as I don’t know where you live I can’t recommend support group. If you would like my assistance I can be reached at tania@aspiengirl.com

  366. Hi Tania – one of my best friends is an aspie woman and she has a horrific past filled with abuse. She is currently in a psychiatric facility. She will be coming home in the next few days. Do you still do Skype calls? I’m trying to set up some solid people for her to talk to moving forward. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

  367. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I don’t know what to do and now my sons ADHD and my husbands narcissistic issues and this is all me and I can’t fix it all…. i can’t do this! 😪

    I had to read every comment…. every comment…. what did they feel what did they do with the info who has an answer of what I’m supposed to do??…. 🤔🤭🤫🤢😢

  368. I have been wondering what was wrong with me my entire life you have no clue how much this changed my world. It gave me hope. It rested my soul. I have been misdiagnosed with bpd and cfs. I now understand that I am part of a whole new world that I hunger to have knowledge of. I am taking this bit to my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m going to not take no for an answer until she truly believes that I am autistic and I have been misdiagnosed.

  369. Hi Tania.. I’ve just found this post and reading through it I started to cry. I have always felt there is something off with me, always felt like an actress faking it. I have generallized anxiety and though that was it, but reading this I feel it described me to the fullest (like 90%). Once I told my therapist that I believed I could be in the spectrum and she said that it was impossible, that I have a well put together life (I am now 30 years old). I don’t know if I am authistic, but I was wandering what type of professional could I talk to so that I can address my doubts. Thanks a lot!

  370. The vast majority of what is written here is me. I am shocked and don’t know what to do about it, or if I even should do anything about it.

      1. I am qualified to diagnose Autism. I have been providing diagnostic assessments for the last five years. I am certain I have ASD but I don’t feel I can go for a diagnostic as I’m too involved. I fear they won’t take me seriously. I have behaviours that I would never reveal about myself. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and have just told him about my sensory behaviours as a child one of which I still have now. My obsession with keeping things in the right pace at home takes over my weekends and can disrupt time with my daughter. It’s not OCD I’ve no fear of germs I just need things where I can find them. I have lost big groups of friends over the years because I get angry at them or I tell them some “Home truths”. I’m classed as odd and weird by my husbands friends who I see regularly but only when our drinking and I’m nearly always the last to get their jokes and I’m usually the butt of them. I don’t really mind I just play the role. I’ve a degree and a masters and other qualifications so I’m not stupid. I’m an INTJ and I hate taking to people for too long, I get nervous and say weird things and overshare… I could go on. Thanks for this post. If a female specific diagnostic comes out I may look into it but not disclose that I diagnose others. Much love xxxx

      2. So… the new psychiatrist would not listen to anything I had to say and just refilled my Rx. I saw another one who claimed that e would test me but he was only interested in getting answers to HIS questions, not listening to me. He then proceeded to tell me that I have depression and anxiety and prescribed me Doxepin. I told him I am VERY sensitive to medications and he gave me the smallest dosage of 25mg. I took one that night before bed as directed and woke up in a terrible state. I was completely exhausted after sleeping my usual 10 hours, my head was spacey, my left ear was ringing (as it does in the evening after getting through the usual stressful day) but it was ringing at 11:30 in the morning, VERY unusual, my hands were tingly and kind of numb, and later in the day my feet and legs joined in on the fun, I was very jumpy and anxious and jumped at any sound. I took it night before last and It took until this afternoon to feel ‘normal’ again. About 36 hours. fter calling in and reporting the issue yesterday, I was told not to take it again (DUH!) and to come in tomorrow, Friday, when he is in the office again. And now I just know he’s going to try to poison me again with some other medication because he thinks he knows me, he doesn’t. I’ve met him once and he would not listen to me and told me he can’t help me with a diagnosis for Asperger’s. I asked him if he could direct me to someone who can and he said he “no, I don’t have time for that”. He isn’t even a psychiatrist, he is an NP. I need help! But I have called every psychiatrist in Las Vegas just to find out afterwards that I need to find a psychologist. I called all of them just to find that they either don’t take state insurance, don’t help adults, or don’t test and diagnose autism. THEN I found out that I have to find a neuropsychologist. But they won’t see me either, not without a referral from my doctor (which I won’t meet until my first appointment coming up on October 12th. And THEN there’s a 2~6 month waiting list even IF I do get a referral.
        Can someone PLEASE tell me what to say to this primary care provider whom I have never met to convince her to give me the referral for a neuropsychologist? Thank you.
        Sincerely,
        Actually about ready to put my 9mm to my heart and pull the trigger

      3. Dear Tasha, please do not do that that is not the answer yes we are in a female autism crisis. I read all of my comments on my blog and I try very hard to comment to all of them, although this very difficult as I am in full-time practice. I am available to help you over Skype or zoom there is a shortage of professionals in this area, which is why I wrote my first two books to get the word out about the profile but it does not seem that my books have made to the grassroots movement of the professionals yet and that is unfortunate. I am listening and I hear you your story is only one of thousands of stories I have heard over my career. There is help out there if you would like to start with me we can meet over Skype or zoom and I will get you pointed in the right direction I hope that you get my message and please please do not hurt yourself. I also just want to say that your story is all too common so that you do not feel that you are alone in this, you are not alone in this, please forgive any grammatical errors as I am using Siri. Tania ~ Author of I Am AspienGirl and I Am AspienWoman

      4. Thank you for your quick response. I’m about at the end of my rope… I used to be able to keep my mask on and function in society but since menopause and hypothyroidism happened to me a few years ago I can no longer function, get or keep a job. I lived in my SUV for 6 months and only the last 2 months I have been in a room in a house but it is more stressful that living in my car because the person letting me stay in his daughter’s room while she’s away at school is a male with Asperger’s as well and it is very hard to feel indebted and have to clean up after him and help him with his stuff when I have SO much of my own problems going on.

      5. You are very welcome. I’m always concerned about females on the spectrum who are at the end of their rope in fact I’m concerned about them at any point, hence why I wrote my two books. It is very common the older that you get, the more difficult it is to keep the mask on but there are also consequences to taking the mask off. I have met more people in my life that have or do live live in SUVs, cars, homeless shelters, crack houses, you name it and that makes me very sad. Of course it’s very difficult to look after someone else when you yourself have your own problems. I do hear you. Tania

      6. I need to know what to say to this new PCP to get the referral. I can’t wait out the time it would take for her to get to know me enough to give me one. There’s already only 5 neuropsychologists in this town and a 2~6 month waiting list as it is. Can you tell me what to say? I wrote you privately as well, so you have my email address.
        Thank you!

      7. Please take care! I read your comments (as I follow this blog after discover it over 2 years ago). It helped me massively – first by identifying the traits and then printing a copy to take to my primary health care doctor flr referral to adult autusm team (I wrote personal notes next to each paragraph of how I experienced the traits in my life). I was diagnosed as ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) last July (there is no longer a diagnosis of Asperger’s).

        Please hang in there…I had to wait over a year from referral to diagnosis – but it was worth it. There are loads of youtubs videos which may help? One thing which is discussed in post-diagnostic support here is “extreme self care”; finding out what our own personal limits are and taking time out to recover. Wearing a mask is exhausting.

        Please take care and know that it can get better x

  371. Interesting.I have felt like a square peg in a round hole all my life.I still can’t do basic mental arithmetic.I seem to fit a lot of these traits.

  372. THANK YOU SO MUCH Tania! I was told by someone, a male with Aspergers that he strongly believes that I have it. I denied it after looking up the symptoms and told him I didn’t match any of the symptoms/traits. He told me that the traits or VERY different in men and women, so I looked up Aspergers in women and found your article on self assessment. And OMG! It’s almost like you’ve known me my whole life. I match 90% of these symptoms/traits to a T. And I actually just moved from one state to another so I just happen to have an appointment coming up on September 12th with a new psychiatrist to get a new Rx for my xanax for anxiety and ADHD (ADHD meds don’t work on me for focus, only xanax slows my brain down enough to focus). So my question to you is, now that I FINALLY know what’s wrong with me (after 54 years of not knowing, and the added new problems of brain fog, and more anxiety added on top of what I already had due to menopause and hypothyroidism) how do I present this to the psychiatrist for a formal assessment? There’s definitely no doubt that I have it, and pretty severely, but how do I make them see that in one visit? Should I print out your article and tell them what I just told you or…? I would be ever so grateful for your advice. Thank you,
    Sincerely,
    Natasha

  373. Just wanted to point out the typo in “he had no hone”.

    Amazing list. I just cried because of how accurately it portrays me and some women I know. I have no diagnosis and wasn’t aware the differences between men and women with ASD were so stark!

    Thank you for your amazing work.

  374. I never knew that Autism presented so drastically differently from male to female; Upto your 18th point heading, I closely identified with 16, and of the subheadings I related to almost all of them in each topic. I’ve already made efforts to reach out to my local specialists in order to seek a diagnosis. Thankyou so much!!

  375. I loved this article and am highly encouraged to seek a professional diagnosis. Seems rather difficult to find a physician who will diagnose an adult female with aspergers thus far though. Thank you for your hard work and dedication to spreading awareness.

  376. These fit me to the T. I didn’t know there were others so similar to these descriptions. I have asked 3 doctors (2 psychiatrists, 1 therapist) about autism and my therapist said I could have autistic features. And my most recent psychiatrist told me the facets of autism that correlate with my symptoms can most likely come from my schizoaffective disorder. However, even with my diagnoses (Schizoaffective, GAD, panic and dissociative symptoms), I don’t feel satisfied. Every day I am looking for an answer to what makes me feel so different and kind of other-worldly. I don’t want to self-diagnose myself at all. But more than 90% of what has been stated on this page, I relate to. Like wow.

    1. Hi Jemma, thank you for your message and I’m glad that this is a useful resource for you. There is some research that talks about schizotypal or schizoaffective overlapping with Autism, so that maybe what is complicating things . I’m not sure but if you can identify with most of this then you may wish to seek out a formal diagnosis to help you understand why you have always felt so different kind Regards, Tania

  377. Hi Tania,

    Thank you so much for posting this list. It’s looking like I certainly have Asperger’s, and this has inspired me to have a formal assessment. Sadly it’s unfunded here in New Zealand but I need to know as I work as an Arts Therapist, weirdly enough in a school for children on the spectrum. I’m a huge believer in creativity being a way to access our emotions, and have found it essential for my own daily processing routine and self-care practice, as well as seeing the benefits for sensory processing issues in the children I see. If my diagnosis is confirmed, I’d be keen to further explore this new ‘label’/identity prison/empowerment through my eventual PhD.

    So again, thank you.

    1. Hi Rei, thank you for your message and I have consulted with many people from New Zealand unfortunately there are little to no professionals available to conduct this kind of work. If I can be of any assistance let me know. Being a not therapist at a school for children on the spectrum is not unusual for me to hear. It’s also not unusual for me to hear of women making autism their special-interest and making it their PhD. You are very welcome and let me know if you need my assistance take care Tania

  378. Hi Tania. Thank you for all your work. My sister and I likely have Asperger’s. We are now 40 and 44. Can you recommend someone to do an assessment in Vancouver BC Canada?

    1. Hi Tascha, Unfortunately there is a great shortage of trained and experienced clinicians in this area I am on aware of anybody in Vancouver specifically to recommend you but when you are looking for someone please make sure that they are both trained and experienced in seeing females on the Spectrum across the lifespan. I’m sorry I can’t be of more assistance.

      1. Hello Tania,I have left multiple comments and haven’t heard back, they also seem to be lifted off your feedback section on your sight. Am I doing something wrong ? I have been leaving messages since September.Becky

        Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    2. Hi Tascha. I´m in the same situation as you and your sister. Did you find any therapist or psychiatrist in Vancouver or close by? Thank you so much

  379. Pingback: Resource List
  380. Dear Tania, I would like to say that, having read your article and the points on your screening tool today, it feels as though a light has been switched on! All the many quirks that I have wrestled with over the course of my life, are documented here, and I can identify totally with so many of them. Since this has had such an impact on my life, and continues to in relation to my work and personal life, I plan to see my GP and ask him to refer me for an assessment to see whether I do have Aspergers. I have carried out several online tests recently, and scored highly in all, with comments that Aspergers is likely. I do not see it as a negative, but to know for sure would allow me to tell people I need to tell, and continue to work on my areas of weakness as I have struggled with many aspects of childhood and adult life. Having said that, a positive of being delayed in maturing, is that I have just gained a BSc degree at age 51 !! Thanks for all this great information, it is life changing. J.

  381. Hi Tania. I’m 51 and just diagnosed as an Aspie..Didn’t really believe I had a final appropriate “label” until I read through the above list. Thanks so much. I actually shed a tear whilst reading – a rare a powerful thing for me. Here’s an interesting point for you – I love violent, horror and graphic films and shows. I watch them unmoved. Yet I am very empathic with real people and am highly ‘sensitive’ or fey. Go figure. Anyway, it is a relief to understand why I am a fringe dweller. However I could have done without the abuse, harassment, bullying and violence I have suffered my entire life. It won’t stop, but I at least know why I continue to strive for honesty, justice and integrity. Had enough of the discrimination and disadvantage. Hopefully some young girls’ life will be much better as the above turns from anecdotal to that “mystical truth”. Please keep the flame alive and fed.

  382. What does it mean if I have asperger’s? A lot of this disscribes me. I suffer with depression, OCD and ADD. I take meds of the depression. I suffer with all the learning disabilities. School was rough, however, I went to college five times. I would love to go back to college if I could. So do I need meds for this?

  383. What do you do when you read this and just know it’s you. That your whole life you have been acting. When you just feel so misunderstood.

    1. If you believe you might be on the spectrum you might want to consider getting an assessment that may help you understand why you feel different but it’s really about how much does it interfere with your life and how you feel about getting one and whether you feel that you have enough traits to be on the spectrum It certainly helps women are with self understanding and self-awareness which is there a very big #priceless For them in my booksI hope that helps

  384. Wow. I mean. I’ve never read a more accurate description of myself. So many things about my life would make sense. I’m 28 and I’m almost certain I’ve been misdignosed with anxiety for the last 5 years. What do I do now? How can I get a diagnosis when I can’t even maintain an appointment schedule with my GP hah.

  385. Hi Mrs. Marshall. Thank you for this article. I’ve been diagnosed with aspergers when I was 19-20 years old (4-5 years ago) and found your article. I even learned a few things that I didn’t know. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 21… (this is what at my doctor told me though I’m not entirely sure if it is true) is that it’s apparently is a side/co-condition to Aspergers as well though I think mainly it’s just genetic??). Anyway you are just…amazing. Thank you.

  386. I legitimately cried while reading this. I live in an area where it’s difficult to he diagnosed as an adult, let alone as an adult woman, but I’ve wanted to be tested since highschool.

  387. I just read all of the characteristics and there are so many of them that I can say yes at sometime if not most of the time I identify with. But the 1 that hit me the most hardest is the gender. Ever since I was 5 years old I thought I was a boy until reality slapped me in the face one day.

    Here I am 55 years old and 2 marriages later. Now, I understand why both husbands would tell me that that I was emotionally disconnected. I just could not understand what they were telling me but it broke down to the point I would not fight or argue with either of them. I just didn’t understand what they wanted from me so I would shut down. Every time I tried to explain they would just say it was all in my head, first husband would tell me that I had a split personality.

    I could write a book on this, lol, but i’ll leave it there.

  388. Reading this has hit me quite hard. It explains me very well. I feel very uncomfortable at the idea of going to a doctor and explaining why i think I may have aspergers, or trying to get a diagnosis

  389. Wow… many of these things are right on target! I am a 41 year old woman and just recently have come across the idea that I may have ASD. This comprehensive list of female symptoms is yet another confirmation that I probably do have autism. In one sense it makes me feel justified…and certainly less condemning of myself. On the other hand, it also makes me feel more vulnerable and isolated from NTs (others). I wish I had the health insurance to get a proper diagnosis…but I guess that isnt a guarantee either due to the fact that females are still getting frequently misdiagnosed. Thanks for making me feel less alone!

  390. I think I was diagnosed wrong as a child, I believe I score anywhere from 20 to 30 from your list. I need help badly. My son was just diagnosed with spd and tendencies of autism. Truly alot on your list hit me on the head. Where do I turn to now to get tested and help??

  391. I am a 48 year old woman and have recently been diagnosed as bipolar (manic depression). I have suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety most all of my life. I am currently taking medication for the bipolar disorder in combination with medication to treat the previously diagnosed disorders. Now that all of these conditions are being treated, there seems to be another condition that is manifesting itself.

    I would like to speak with you about the possibility of this condition being Asperger Syndrome.

    Please contact me if you have time to discuss this possibility.

    Thank you
    Rhonda Mathis

  392. Many of the traits listed here seem to fit with the traits for a highly sensitive person or a Myer-Briggs INFP. What distinguishes female Asperger’s from a highly sensitive person or INFP?

  393. I think I just found out what planet the mother ship can drop me off on, now….lol. Son, exbf, and mother, too. Does like attract like if Aspian? Aj, teacher, mom, college prof, MA, singer, songwriter, tech freak, passionate….you freed me, someehat…Thank you!!!

  394. I seriously wonder if I could be on the spectrum. I read through all the traits above and have noticed that well over half are things I’ve already known about myself. My boyfriend is on the spectrum and suggested twice that I could be but both times I brushed it off… Since he mentioned it tho it’s been constantly running around the back of my mind, could that be why I constantly feel akward and out of place with the people around me. I have no problem socializing with people much older than myself but even now in my twenties I have a hard time understanding my fellow young adults and often resort to being quiet and untalkative. I guess what I am wondering is: am I just an anxiety/ depression ridden dyslexic adult who cannot quite cope with the world around me, or is there a deeper underlying cause in my brain that serves as the deeper catalyst to my issues, and if there is, how can I tell? I don’t want to approach my doctor or family unless I have plans to seek a formal diagnosis but I’m still just second guessing myself on this issue. I have had serious depression for many years and as such have had next to no interests above and beyond on any given subject. But I remember as a kid having to quit watching movies because I got so invested in the characters that their deaths hit me hard and put me down for days. I hated math but studied history addictively. And dispite being dyslexic studied Latin and ancient Greek at a university level by the time I was 14…in the end I’m just wondering if this is it, why I don’t seem to understand my family, casual friends and situational contexts.

  395. I’ve gone through all these traits and feel that more than half reflect things I have noticed about myself over the years. I’ve been wondering for months now if I could be on the spectrum? My boyfriend is and has suggested twice that I could be. While I brushed it off in the moment I’ve been thinking about it since he said it months ago and wondering if my issues could be more than just the struggles of a dyslexic anxiety ridden young adult and maybe be founded on a deeper underlying cause. I don’t think I would persue an official diagnosis unless I was confident this was the case but I do want to know, is that why I’ve been such a wreck of a person? I find that even now I have a very hard time interacting with people my own age. I usually get very quiet and withdrawn unless it’s a group of my friends whom I usually share interests with. Mostly I interact with people older than i. As far as interests, I’ve been dealing with depression for many years and as such have few burning passions, but in my childhood I remember having to give up tv shows because I felt so close to the characters that their deaths would send me into days of low mood. I was terrible at math but I was addicted to history, and studied Latin and ancient Greek passionately from when I was 11yrs old, reaching university levels by 14yrs. Point is, if being on the spectrum seems to answer so much of my wonderings about why I am who I am as it seems to, how do I tell that I actually am? I asked a therapist if she thought I could be and she said she didn’t think so but it was my first time and only time talking to that therapist because she quit the clinic I was attending and I haven’t brought it up again. I truly want to understand who I am and what drives me to react so over the top sometimes. I know I’m not like the rest of my family in that regard, but I don’t know if I’m too much in my own head to really see myself? If 70% or so (I did the math) of these traits seem to match me should I consider seeing a therapist or getting diagnosed? I’m just tired of trying to understand myself in a world where other people don’t seem to have to put in as much work to function properly as I do. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks

    1. Sorry I thought the first message didn’t post so I rewrote it… Now I feel redundant XD

  396. How can I book a Skype session with Tania? And will there be a notification or something letting me know if I got a response? I’m also trying to find a test I took, I believe on here, about a year ago. My mom thinks she may fit this as well. I’m ready to move forward with a “diagnosis” more so I can help explain to people why I am so odd compared to them. I literally cried when I read this, it hits deep at home. Explains my life and my thinking process. My husband completely agrees. I really think this will help my future, just knowing my brain is wired differently than thought.
    I strongly resonate with almost every single aspect outlined here. Would love a session and direction.
    Much gratitude.

  397. Wow!! I’m 73 and just discovering that I fit tons of the characteristics you list. Too late now to change a lot but it helps to understand. I’m trying to find resources where I live (Santa Rosa CA) to talk with about this, either professional (tho can’t afford much) or other women. Thanks for your work.

  398. Hello Tania, I am a 36 year old male and have been wondering for a while if I fall somewhere on the spectrum, but I find a lot more rings true for me when I read of common aspergers traits in women. I think it’s the tendency to find ways to mimic/mask in social situations, even though it’s exhausting to do so, which is something that I struggle to find as much reference to when reading about male profiles. I can relate to many more traits than this, and am wondering if this is common? I understand there must be an overlap with typical male and female profiles, but I currently can’t find a list of common male traits that resonates with me in quite the same way as yours and feel this may be a barrier in trying to get a diagnosis.

    1. I understand the focus of your work and this site is centred around helping women, but I’m interested to know how things overlap between male and female adults with aspergers. Please let me know if you can offer any advice or resources that may help shed light on this. I would be happy to make an appointment if it’s affordable for me at the moment.

  399. I’ve stumbled across this page the night before speaking to an Ed Psych about my 11year old daughter. I’ve suspected ASD for a few years but I’ve always wondered if she’d ‘tick enough boxes’ for any kind of recognition. Reading this list has brought mixed feelings- sadness at how many of the points she could identify with, but also reassurance that I’m not merely ‘labelling my child’ that these traits are what I believe is making things tough for her.

  400. Thank you for writing this. It feels like something has finally clicked into place. I fit at least 90% of what you have expressed. I’m ex military. The last 12 months have been hell and I’ve been suicidal. Ive always felt alien, relating to animals and nature more than people. My psychiatrist had me complete a form about autism and I’m on the spectrum for Aspergers. He told me to look you up, that it will help explain why I was vulnerable to my experiences and why I ended up where I did. It all makes so much sense. It also explains why I’ve had so many strong aversions to the medications. It helps to know I’m not alone. Much appreciation.

  401. I just cried reading this list and traits. My husband and son have Asperger’s. I have spent my entire life (42 now) trying to figure out who and what the hell I am … I started suspecting this only in the last few months but thought I might be grasping because I was unconsciously trying to be like my husband and son. Now I see that’s not it at all. I’m going to have to figure out where to go from here. But!! Thank you for providing so much detail because hopefully I can get even more control of myself and see I need to seek a formal diagnosis.

  402. Hi I was sent this link today by a friend and wow it is me, I finally fit! I’ve been mulling over this last few months whether to get tested or not since it was suggested I may be on the spectrum, I know I will now. I was just wondering what my first step is, is it my Doctor I would see for this? I live in the U.K. if that makes a difference. Thanks in advance.x

    1. Hi Kelly, I’m in the UK, Scotland. It wasn’t difficult at all to access an assessment. I printed this blog out and wrote my own notes in the margin and took it to my GP. She referred me to the local Adult Autism team and from there I was assessed. If was a bit of a wait to see them; but worth it. I was diagnosed just nearing on 2 years ago now. They give post-diagnostic support (which in my opinion is a broad-brush stroke and needs developed)…but it is good to have a professional on-hand for afterwards (whether you are diagnosed or not). I found having a professional to speak to in person best helped me. Best of luck 💜

      1. The bigger cities are better equipped/resourced that the smaller towns, highlands + islands (as may be imagined), but with the increase in awareness there is definitely improvements to adult autism assessments and support. The Scottish government has made autism a priority. As we know autism affects every individual differently. For me, reading your blog (after my half younger brother wax diagnosed aged 22 and then 2 years later my older brother, then aged 46, was diagnosed) was a lightbulb moment. Like many others there was some sort of relief at making the discovery. But, the waiting time for assesments for me was actually quite comforting as it gave me time to get my head around the whole thing. I’m a ‘recovering perfectionist’ so the assessment and diagnosis was quite crushing, although its been a relief too to know.

      2. That’s my intention, thanks. I know if I take it with me, it’ll help me to focus too. Trying to see my G.P. is like mining for gold, it’s hit and miss whether we have one on duty, so I definitely want to go in prepared.

  403. Hello. There seems to be a good deal of overlap between this and ADHD and LLI. Which traits are specifically in the direction of autism as opposed to ADHD and/or LLI? Thank you!

  404. I am the mother of a 16 1/2 year old young woman. Since she was small we’ve noticed subtle behaviors, milestones not met, compulsive behavior and was met by several dr’s with resistance to an aspergers diagnosis. Now she is suffering from anxiety, depression, spent a week in a adolescent psychiatric facility for seven days and is medicated and still no one will listen when we mention all the signs of Aspergers. We feel this is the foundation that is the basis of her anxiety and depression. Almost the entire page consists of traits we see or have seen in our daughter that we know she struggles with every day. How do we get someone to listen…

  405. Gosh, I read this list and thought…not sure if I can self-diagnose as childhood trauma tends to manifest in many of the listed S+S’s–BUT, I sure did nod in earnest through this list and feel understood but also less special somehow. This list strikes me as: “this type of person sounds phenomenal!; so gifted in ways many are not!” honestly, I am reminded of my understanding of Faeries. Mythical and Magickal beings of sensitive Earth.
    So, anyway, glad to know that others experience struggles with time management, and sensitivities, and recoup time from social scenes, and people trying to consume our Light! Maybe we can re-construct portions of society to function in a way that best supports Us?!
    Much love.

  406. Thank you for this article, I am almost certain I am undiagnosed and my lifelong depression is a symptom of that. Thanks for describing the struggles I have never been able to put into words until now

  407. May be a high systemizer leading her to go into engineering or programming. High systemizing women see to feel the “weirdest” of the collective. May struggle with who she is gender-wise.

    I feel this this could be me. If you can point me to any resources I can read on this subject it would me much appreciated.

  408. Hi
    I’m 68 and was diagnosed 2 years ago. I wish I could find a support group in England for older women – well 40 ish. I don’t seem to know how to be in my 60’s any better than I have ever understood how to be all the other things one is supposed to be. With the result that I am very lonely – whilst desperately wanting to be in my own.

    1. Hello J.
      We are the same age. I live in Scotland and I haven’t managed to find any groups.
      The only person I have told about my Asperger’s is my sister. But she said nothing at the time or since. So I am still all alone .
      I hope you have had good luck in finding a group .
      Anne

      1. Hi there, I am in the north of England and have been awaiting an assessment for 10 months now, though I am still working and functioning generally ‘ok’ as I’ve learned to work with my ways! On Facebook I’ve found a group called “women with Aspergers support “, and if you search the same online, there are some resources. I know what you mean and maybe some of us could link up in the future as it is hard not being able to talk to others in similar circumstances.

      2. I’m not sure why I got a notification for this comment from Anne to J (I’m not J) – I hope J gets this comment from both of us.

        We’re never alone (though it can feel like it)…the beauty of the internet. There are some support groups online (facebook etc)..I have recently read about Greta Thunberg’s notion on ASD that we are actually in a better position that neuro-typicals as we can ‘see the bigger picture’ and often pick up on things in life that others may not. Neurodiversity is starting to be seen as trully necessary in society. Currently the Western society is disablling for me…I am working on being a master of my emotions and avoiding what upsets me 🙂

      3. Anne, there’s a group in Scotland called SWAN (Scottish Women’s Autistic Network) – they have a group on facebook and hold monthly meet-ups in Glasgow/Edinburgh and (I think) Inverness. I joined the facebook group when I was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago – but the group thing wasn’t for me…there is a lot of good info and support there that you might find helps?

        And, whatever, its good to know that being a Swan (as we paddle under water and try to look dignified to the outside world) is not something we do alone. I am very lucky that my mum (undiagnosed) identifies with so much and is a great support.

        The rest of my family (shockingly) haven’t said anything to me (except my older brother who was diagnosed a year and a half before me…he said: “I don’t know what to say” and later “I TOLD you it wouldn’t be easy!!”. He’s still not come to terms with his own diagnosis – so I now know not to turn to him). And my mum’s older brother said to me “Oh, like Rainman!” (Yes – he said THAT!!)…he’s not diagnosed – but is most definitely on the spectrum too. So, as much as it hurts me and I can’t for the life of me work out why my family (my mum’s sister particularly – as we used to be very close when I was younger and she is intelligent and shows compassion and care to all others with health conditions) haven’t shown me any compassion or understanding at being diagnosed as an adult. It is something that proves to me they don’t understand or perhaps are frightened of the fact that they could be diagnosed too.

        Another part is I think we have masked it for so long that some folk don’t know what we are going through inside. They see the same person on the outside and really don’t understand what being diagnosed means. My uncle later said to my mum: “well she’s still the same person to me” – he was trying to be supportive saying that .I understand that. But, what he (and many) doesn’t understand is that I’m NOT the person I’ve been presenting all these years. My mask has slipped.

        But, I am not alone. Nor are you. There are many of us. Neuro-diversity is NEEDED in our society. We can see the bigger picture and being Autistic is a positive thing (I know that now). I thank other Autistic people like Chris Packham and Greta Thunberg for showing me that a diverse mind is a very positive trait.

        Hope this helps, x

  409. Reading this list is like therapy for me. I’m 53, and it’s only in the last 5 years I’ve realized what it is that makes me not fit in. All this describes me perfectly. I tried so hard to fit into the NT world all around me … but I just did not have access to the NT social communications channel. Now, finally, I embrace my Aspieness. Because I never got the toxic programming that comes through this channel, that makes NTs conform to whatever social programming they’re exposed to. I believe Aspies are immune to this kind of social programming because we don’t pick on on that social programming.That’s why we’re more elemental, more psychic, less susceptible to gender role programming. It’s why we have a better communication with animals. We are more instinctive. I would like to see a list like this for NTs, because I believe that they are the defective ones, it’s just that they are in the majority – sadly. Maybe they killed off the Aspie genes because NTs are better at war and conflict. Imagine a world of gentle Aspies. There would be no climate crisis and few conflicts. But yeah, we’re the defective ones.

  410. Reading this list is like therapy for me. I’m 53, and it’s only in the last 5 years I’ve realized what it is that makes me not fit in. All this describes me perfectly. I tried so hard to fit into the NT world all around me … but I just did not have access to the NT social communications channel. Now, finally, I embrace my Aspieness. Because I never got the social programming that comes through this channel, and which seems to make most NTs conform to whatever social programming they’re exposed to. I believe Aspies are immune to this kind of social programming because we don’t pick on on the social cues, That’s why we’re more elemental, more psychic, less susceptible to gender role programming. We don’t absorb our cultural norms. We don’t get the memo. We don’t get the “human faults as military virtues”. That’s why we have an open communication channel with animals and nature. We are more instinctive. I would like to see a list like this for NTs. I don’t believe that they are the standard to aspire to, just because they are in the majority. Maybe the Aspie gene got selected out because NTs are better at war and conflict. I like to imagine a world of gentle Aspies. There would be no climate crisis and few conflicts..

  411. Its wonderful to hear you stand up for Women like us. I have known for a long time about my autism, But there wasn’t anyone to talk to about it. How can I get a formal diagnosis in the United States? How do I take this test I have heard about? Is it in your book?

    1. Traveling around the country is worth it for the help, but I live In Northeast Florida for a reference.

  412. I am currently diagnosed with social anxiety, GAD, depression and OCD tendencies. 2 months ago my dr referred me for autism assessment (still waiting for this to happen though). I was doing some research and came across your sight. Have read through all the listed autistic traits and I defiantly relate to about 72 of them

  413. It’s honestly scary how much this accurately describes me. I’ve currently got 3 diagnosis: Borderline personality disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, and persistent depressive disorder…but it’s always felt like there is something missing, something the doctors have missed. My mother even wanted to get me tested when I was little, but no one believed her…they all just said I was a shy girl and I’d grow out of my introverted/antisocial tendencies. I’m planning on talking to my psychiatrist about getting tested as an adult.

    Just wanted to say thank you for posting and maintaining this, it’s been a big help!

  414. This was the most helpful thing I have read so far. I fit about 98% of it. Being self-diagnosed until I can get a formal diagnosis. My family has got a history of Aspergers Syndrome. I was diagnosed with APD and was suspected to have ADHD. All of the ‘workouts’ they gave me for APD made me even more stressed to the point where I had to stop. I have been bullied all my life and never ‘fit in’ people saying I was weird. Even now in high school, it is very very difficult for me to focus during many of my subjects. I love horses and have been told by many people I am an equine encyclopedia.
    I discovered more about it (AS) when my mum suggested I could potentially have AS. I was so happy to read about something that finally fit everything I was looking for. It was like a piece of the puzzle was finally found, I no longer had to find out what was ‘wrong’ with me. I was always so desperate to fit in and always asked my mum why I couldn’t just be ‘normal’. I have always had hypersensitive senses, however, I have a very high physical pain tolerance eg my leg got cut and it was quite gruesome but I didn’t notice it for at least an hour when a friend pointed out I was bleeding.
    There are many more things I happen to go through over a day and this is really informative and correct. Thank you so much for sharing this with us!

  415. This is an excellent list/profile of a woman with Aspergers. Wish I’d had it over a decade ago when I was a university Learning Disabilities Specialist. I had a couple of young women who definitely should have been referred for diagnosis. However, in reading down through this, I saw myself. In fact my husband and I were just talking about a lot of the issues presented in the list this morning. Really throwing me for a loop is the fact he retired this year and we moved to a place so far and so different from any environment I’ve ever lived in, meltdowns are a weekly occurrence. But the socialization issues, masking, chameleonship (I had a college therapist describe me as being a chameleon who wore her heart on her sleeve). Needing a garden to work in, quiet space, writing voraciously and the list goes on in parallel to this one. And yes, I had a bully for every single grade I was in. I went to school early, which didn’t help, but I had no clue what the social rules were or are. I struggle with friendships with women but have always gotten along well with men because, oh hey, we think alike. Have no idea where to look locally for testing, but at some point it might be worth pursuing. Thank you for putting this together and making it available.

  416. I am interested in being tested. My therapist and my psychiatrist is trying to find someone to evaluate me. Do you provide recommendations or references

  417. I’ve been stuck on your blog for a while now. The thing that strikes me is the tocophobia. I haven’t had vaginal sex in ten years because of it. Thankfully, we’ve found other ways to compensate.

    Okay, I’m getting off track. I’ve taken a lot of aq quizes and come back with a higher borderline score. The thing that gets me is that they expect one to have no imagination. The women I’ve known who have had traits and later children on fhe spectrum were more like you described: a rich inner world, highly empathetic, with ridiculously detailed imaginations. Do you think quizzes might be a bit skewed in some aspects away from women?

  418. Hi Tania, I’m a little overwhelmed & emotional reading this.

    I’m from the UK & have been diagnosed with Schizotypal, Borderline & Avoidant personality disorders – I do believe these fit me due to past challenges I’ve had (most forms of abuse etc) but I’ve also come to realise that there seems to be a piece of the puzzle that’s not quite fitting. I was diagnosed with ADHD and I put it down to that.
    My partner is Aspergers & we’ve noticed some common traits between ourselves; he is totally convinced I am also. We’re actually very different & initially I wasn’t really accepting of the idea but I started to look into it more & more but got even more very confused because so many traits I don’t actually have according to all the generic sites. For example I’m really animated with my hand gestures & one of my key talents is actually reading people (however I do this in a patterned logical way).
    When I started to look a little deeper & around the way Aspergers affects women I started to relate a little more.
    This page has got me incredibly emotional. I’m not all these thing by any means but I can categorically say I am at least 80% of them! The problem I have is I’ve been going backward & forward to my GP & mental health professionals for so long that I really don’t get taken as seriously any more.With having BPD I’m seen as a nuisance & I believe if I go to my GP to get referred I’m going to be shunned just like I am every other time.
    I don’t know how to broach it at all. As unwilling as I was to really accept the idea it’s now feeling like that finally I have the answers I’ve been looking for my whole life – I’ve never, ever stopped trying to get answers into why I’m so different & I’m scared I think I’ve found it but won’t be taken seriously 🙁
    Thank you so much for this anyway, it’s really helped in a massive way <3

  419. Thanks for this information. I will be borrowing one of your books from the local library soon to discover more as I have always suspected something was very different about me. At 52 this is a bit of a revelation and explains a lot about social anxiety, eating disorders, brilliant career, obsessive workaholic, creative computer geek, no children, much prefer my fur babies for emotional bonding, can’t do relationships any more, can’t handle people at work or social gatherings. You have just about bullet pointed my entire life; 98% of it. Perhaps I won’t feel so isolated knowing I am not the only person with this condition. Thanks again for your interest in this and your discoveries and your diligence in documenting what you have discovered. It means a lot to me.

  420. This year (aged 22), I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Now I’m trying to get a better grasp of what that actually means for my life through reading books and blog posts like this one.

    Never in my life did I feel like I fit in. I was always the socially awkward loner. Stubborn, focused, different. My problems were never the same as the ones of my peers. Reading this list makes me feel a lot less alone. For the first time, I feel like, with the right group, I might be able to belong. Thanks a lot for that!

  421. Hello Tania, thank you for this list, I feel as though I fit with many of those things. Recently, I was referred by my psychiatrist to get a comprehensive neurologic exam. The results showed that I have non-verbal learning disability (NVLD) as well as inattentive type ADHD (having already been diagnosed with OCD personality type, anxiety, dysthymia, Autism, and reoccurring major depressive disorder-moderate. The weird thing was in the consultation, he said “Have you heard of Aspergers? I’m not going to put that sort of label on you though many people are quite proud of their “Aspie” ways. So, I’m going to give you something more “benign” but you can call yourself whatever you want.” It was strange because I really didn’t go in there to be molly-coddled and wanted actual answers. Also, originally, when I went in for the testing he was so focused on systemizing, or whether I was focused on organizing or lining up toys. In what I have read and researched it seems that that would be more of a presentation in males rather than females. I came out of there a little confused. Again, reading your checklist above, I feel like I fit many of those characteristics. I just tell people I have high functioning Autism. Does that make sense or should I stop doing that?

    Thank you again,

    Katherine

  422. I am struggling at work with a team who think I am a monster, but I am trying to help, and hate their pain . I am looking for clues as to why I feel so bad all the time, why I struggle in social situations, why I dont feel the real me , and why I like male friends and cant relate to women . I had looked as ASD before and after the latest episode of abuse at work I have looked again and found this and think – yep that’s me – so what now ? Do I go back to work and say , well actually i have ASD and that is an equalities issue and you need to take accommodation for that ? Or do I wedge the mask on even harder and make myself ill as I am covering up all the time,second guessing all the time . I am sick of the lies i have to make , the lack of authenticity compromises that still dont work and i still feel isolated and misunderstood all the time . it has defo got worse as i got older – like im sick of playing and coaching and covering up. i am in a senior high functioning technical job and do it really well but just cant get the people bit right . Any suggestions on where I can go for support or how to handle work appreciated And thank you for providing this resource

  423. im a 38 uear old man with asd and I used page this to help a couple of women who didnt know there were asd .
    well the catch i dont gwt along with really anyone and I found a couple people I do and there always asd …. so that being said I mad a friend she cool I took her to speech and my women who run the program though she was my sister i been working with the apeech for iver a year and know thw med pwraon well but she cant under stand me
    well this women i brought that let me say i jjust meet the day befor was right on my page in like the med pro i ws working with .
    so why do I have no prob talk to other asd but cant make any Neuro tipicals understand me ….
    so lady if u think I are get tested it will change the world u can un mask and be u not what Neuro tip want u to be …..

  424. Hello Tania,
    I tried to reach you for an online assessment via tania@aspiengirl.com, but didn’t get a reply. Is this address still valid or maybe my mail ended in the spam folder?
    Thank you in advance!

  425. I strongly identified with 207 of these traits and find life to be debilitating, what would that put me at on the spectrum?

  426. Hi, most of this is Mr. I’m 48 years of age. How can I get a proper diagnosis.
    What can I do to help myself. I’m very lost and unhappy at the moment. Finding it hard with 3 kids. My girl has been diagnosed with ADD and Asperger tendencies and I’m convinced she’s more on the spectrum than her Psychiatrist thinks. She failed an ADOS test aged 11. She’s now 14. But I can see why as they didn’t test her on what’s written here. However, a friends daughter has it and she resembles more male traits. My daughter is very subtle.

    So i guess I want to help us both.

  427. has anyone else with aspie ever felt like they are sensible to atmospherics changes? Like waking up with a migraine every time it’s raining outside before even knowing it’s raining? or not being able to sleep on full moon?

    1. Wow, I never noticed because I guess I am always so busy thinking of so many things to be able to have the time or insight to notice. Thank you, I’m going to try to be more aware and see if these things happen to me too.

  428. I can relate to many of these, but thought many of them are “normal” and that many people would relate to some extent. – Do you know how exclusive these traits are to people on the Autism Spectrum, or are they just more prevalent in people with ASD?

    Interestingly, I also recently discovered I am hypermobile (again, I thought this was “normal”). – Do you know what the relationship is between hypermobile and ASD?

  429. This is me. I feel like crying and laughing all at the same time. It’s like a personality test result that is bang on! I feel like things FINALLY make sense. WOW!

  430. Tania, it is so refreshing to read what you have put out here. I sent an email to you and I really look forward to hearing from you as you are my only resource so far, even though I have tried for months to find someone. My health insurance does not kick in until April 1st so it has been a hard year to start, as I realized in late December that I might be autistic and an aspie. Thank you for your time and work.

  431. Thankyou so much for this exhaustive information…
    It is so reassuring to read myself in your guidelines.
    I have been struggling all of my life ( I’m now 52)
    To understand what makes me so different
    What makes me me
    And to feel proud of myself.
    I feel that this article has set me free.
    I can now understand what I am and learn to manage my responses in a more systematic way.
    Thankyou Angels for recognition

  432. Hi, I am interested in a diagnostic assessment, but my emails are not going through to your email address. It is saying that “tania@aspiengirl.com” does not exist. If you are still available for assessments, feel free to contact me, as I am very interested.

  433. I guess I should start off with, I’m a 31yr old woman who has never been diagnosed with Asperger’s, but I have two friends with children, boy and girl that both are on the spectrum. They post many articles, blogs etc. on the topic. Until their children were born I really didn’t have much understanding of the syndrome, I still don’t. However, the more my friend would post about girls and women with Asperger’s the more I found I connected with whatever article I read. I found this website, read through the very extensive list of symptoms, which took about an hour because it made me deeply reflect on my childhood. Since I’ve become an adult I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2, and though some of my symptoms fit, I’ve felt that I truly never completely fit within the category. I’ve always felt different, in that I’ve never felt truly understood. I feel there is the current, conscious me and then there is the “true me”, which is only revealed through experience of life. I fit so many symptoms on this list, and even realized things about myself that I had never understood before. Part of me is afraid to seek a diagnosis because I feel that I may not find a skilled enough doctor that can properly diagnose a female in her 30’s, and I’ll be just another “I’m not sure, but we’ll slap a label on, even if it truly doesn’t fit”. Which will just cause me to walk around this world continuing to feel crazy, and doubt myself that much more. I’m grateful to find such wonderful knowledge, but also feel a bit hopeless at the same time.

  434. Thank you so much Tania for being part of my journey to diagnosis. This article was extraordinarily helpful when I made the decision to pursue assessment and eventually got diagnosed with ASD two years ago, when I was 20.

  435. I am scared to talk to my doctor about this because of not knowing how to approach this. I have quite a few of these. I am 35 years old. What would be the best way to bring it up to my doctor without saying it bluntly.

  436. T H A N K Y O U Tania!!!!
    I’d always thought I was borderline Asperger’s, having checked against male criteria. They showed me as borderline. Recently my daughter told me I should be researching “women with Asperger’s” (esp Tania Marshall) because the tests are very different. Having followed her advice, I came across Tania’s work. It was a light bulb moment.
    I then allowed this to permeate in my being for six months before heading to my GP for a referral. Another six months before my appointment with the specialist. And yes, I am an Aspie woman.
    The diagnosis helps me make sense of so much of my personal history and is essentially positive. There is much baggage to work through, gently. I am not going down any more “rabbit holes”. I am NOT inherently disabled or inadequate. Yes there is a disability, which now has a name (I knew something was NQR). I had found many ways to overcome/cope with it, but it further dented my confidence. I can now accept this odd disjoint between high ability and lesser ability I have. There is NOTHING wrong with my brain. Yes, I need to find ways to compensate certain lacks. But I also need to tear off masks that are self limiting or self destructive. I am now recognising a lifetime of mask building and the energy it takes to maintain those masks.
    There is also some frustration with family and others who barely see the amazing strengths that I have as an Aspie. For too long they have tended to focus on what they see as my “NEGATIVE” aspects of Asperger’s. Sometimes I feel they disregard so much of what I can offer because it does not fit their ideas/agenda/emotions/hopes. Frequently I am later proven to have been on the correct path. The inability to overcome communication barriers has been one of my biggest limitations. I tend to get from A to G quickly and forget that I have lost people back at C…
    I now see things through a new lens. My (very) few friends, and who they are…. All makes so much more sense now. Now I am finally feeling I may belong in this world!

    1. Welcome to the tribe Anne! I felt that I was reading my own words when I read your comment. I was diagnosed less than 3 years ago (at age 45)…I totally agree with you to “go gently” and lift those masks to reveal the beautiful butterfly that you are. We have so much to offer this world -and in this lockdown I do feel a sense of relief as the world quiets and there is calm. Thanks for sharing your thoughts…there are many of us who feel the same.

  437. I’m sitting here in tears after reading through the list. I have nearly every single trait listed. I feel a sense of relief knowing there’s a reason I am the way I am. It’s been a helluva struggle just trying to make it day by day. I spend 99% of my time alone, often in my bedroom with my puppies. It wears me out to be around people. How do I go about getting a diagnosis so I can get therapy, etc and try to start living a “normal” life?

  438. I’ve been suspecting that I night be an aspie for a long time, ending up with doing a lot of research for it and realised that I fit a lot of the symptoms. This list is very relatable to me. I may not fit all, but the amount of times I said “wow!” can’t be counted anymore. I’m absolutely shocked how much I relate to these!

  439. I’d say there are probably 5 things I don’t tick on this list. I’m very good at managing time and money for example but everything else….. I feel like I’ve opened a door to a magical realm where I finally belong. I’m not weird, I’m just uncommon.

    Where do I go from here?

  440. I’m turning 26 next month, and I’m just now thinking I might have autism, after following an autistic gal on social media. She does a ton of awareness videos, and I often found myself identifying with them. This list was incredibly helpful!!! I’m going to take it to my psychiatrist at my next appointment! (Currently I have a depression/anxiety diagnosis). THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’M SO EXCITED! I’ve found another part of myself, and now I don’t feel like so much of a freak. I love you!

  441. I relate to so many of these things. I want to be either a primary school or high school teacher. Other asperwomen, do you think there is any benefit of having a more formal assessment? If so, would I have to declare it to my employer? This would be problematic given I wish to enter an education profession. I have no problem in a teaching capacity, but I doubt an employer would recognise that. Forgive me if these questions are naive, I know very little about such things.

    I always laughed at people who said that they did a test online and self-diagnose, but this list is so detailed and I identify with so many of the traits that surely it is not a coincidence.

    I am a 17-year-old Australian year 12 student. I have quite high intelligence, have an interest in fashion and I’m autodidactic! Thank-you for giving me a word for it. no matter how good my teacher is, I prefer to teach myself first. Now I know why. I become very engrossed in my studies, enjoy routine and have an interest in fashion and style. I really love to learn, especially maths and science. I am relatively good in one-on-one situations socially, and when presenting, but not in group situations. I have difficulty relating to people and am disgusted by the notion of fitting in. I have very few friends, and honestly have trouble distinguishing between friends and a coworker style relationship. I actually don’t even know how to go about making friends. Recently, I found out my education degree will only assess me through written assignments, even in maths and science. The deviation from the exam format I am accustomed to was very upsetting for me. my family was bewildered to what seemed to be a complete overreaction. Of course, learning new things and education in general is my “special interest”, so I can see now I was of course upset. I have a strange tendency to use archaic expressions and language, although I am trying to make a concerted effort not to do this, and am utterly mystified by meme culture. I have a lot of trouble following directions to places and carrying out tasks like cleaning a messy garage. Even though I am academically proficient, I find things like this very overwhelming. I notice when I’m in a comfortable situation and enjoy it, for example if my head is leaning against a pillow rather than a wall, but I seem to be able to ignore most physical discomfort. I was considered to have advanced social skills as a child because I could hold a conversation and had excellent politeness skills. After all, it was easy to learn. When you want something, you tack on a please on the end. Any awkwardness was chalked up to the fact that I was still a child. I was a people-pleaser as a child, although that changed later for me. It was more of a conscious decision, which has significantly improved my mental wellbeing. I could go on forever.

  442. Hi :o)
    I resonate with these areas so much. A wonderful post. My sons have Aspergers (ASD). I would like to get an assessment but know it’s so hard. I had to battle for both my sons, one much longer than the other. I’m tired of fighting to get heard.

  443. Thank you so much for this. I identify with an overwhelming number of these characteristics. I don’t think I would ever be diagnosed with Asperger’s because I have managed to function pretty well for the past 33 years, but it’s good to know there could be a reason for all my feelings of being a weirdo.

  444. Thank you for this list. I have one girl with ASD2 and ADHD non-attentive. My son has ADHD and my oldest daughter sent me this list as she recognises herself in it.
    Since my youngest was diagnosed at 12( she is now 14) I have been questioning my own life and the possibility that I am autistic.
    I tick many boxes on this list so I think I will investigate a bit more. It would explain a lot.
    Thanks Jane

  445. It was like reading something written specifically about me most of the way through. Very few points not applying to me. Wow.
    I almost cried reading this.
    I don’t think I’d get a diagnosis because I’m 38 now.. but I’ll mention to my new therapist.
    Thank you for this

  446. I got my diagnosis at 54, almost 55. I’m 56 1/2 now. You can get certainly get one at 38 or any age I now believe. I got the referral for a Neuropsychologist from my gynecologist of all people because she actually ‘saw’ me. After the apt, 8 hours of testing and a 3 week wait for all my tests to be ‘corrected’ / assessed I got the official diagnosis. And now I received a favorable decision for disability. Thank God! Because working and making money have never worked out too well for me. My whole life regarding work has been a turbulent Rollercoaster ride. So anything is possible, don’t give up!

  447. Thank you for this. I have been misdiagnosed for years and abused in the psych system. It a pretty horrific story, but I’m still here. I started « self treating (After walking away from traditional psychiatry) by trial and error with alternative treatments (some dbt mixed with my own methodology added (it’s pretty intricate) and finally got of medications I’ve been on since age 7. I’m 47. I would love to set up a call. I just found your list last night!!!! and I have been treating something with some Success I didn’t have a name for. Your list is exactly me. This is it for sure. I know all the other diagnoses well enough and they didn’t quite fit. Do you know any diagnosticians in San Francisco, California. I would prefer a referral as I have so much healthcare trauma, sexual abuse by a psychiatrist and loss of money – going down the rabbit hole will be exhausting. Thank you so much! I just bought your book too.

  448. This is a wonderful work. I’m so grateful of the effort you put into it. I’m quite confused with myself at this point because I relate to most of these traits, while I don’t with the traits that are usually seen as the typical autistic ones like sensory sensitivity, being blunt and not understanding social cues, etc… About 75-80% of these traits are something I have only read that specifically something of autistic women’s experience, and also the ones I see myself in. Thank you so much, Tania, for the list. I’ll save it and come back again in the future.

  449. Thank you for sharing! I find this extremely helpful! I came across this several years ago and it resonated with me…. so I gathered up all the info I could find and presented it to a psychologist I had seen many years prior who had diagnosed me with BPD. She stated she wouldn’t need to read the information I had gathered and simply told me outright that I couldn’t be autistic because I had long hair and could handle wearing earrings etc. After coming across this list again I have decided I need to have this question answered so will be seeking an assessment.

  450. I can relate to an awful lot of this list but how do you know if it’s just introversion? I am an infp and had put most things down to that as it includes losing your stuff, struggling with organisation and directions and being socially awkward and highly sensitive and gullible. I am hypermobile though which isn’t linked with personality! I generally feel confused in this world.

  451. I feel so identified and full of hope to know there is an answer for my questions, I am in therapy and have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder. My psychologist is considering refering md to a psychiatrist to get medicated.
    Please tell me, now that I know I fit to almost all of the traits below, what’s the next thing I should do?
    Thank you so much!

  452. This list is great! Thank you for sharing! I first came across this list many years ago when my son was diagnosed with autism. I started researching as I had previously been diagnosed with BPD and I wondered whether his diagnosis was correct or if in fact maybe he had BPD as well…. But, the more I researched the more I realised that maybe it was me that was diagnosed incorrectly! I can identify with so much on this list! A few years ago I printed this list along with all my other research and went back to the psychologist who had diagnosed me with BPD. She straight up told me that she would not be reading/looking at my research as I couldn’t possibly be autistic as I had long hair and wore earings etc. I left that day and didn’t bother going back or pushing the subject. A few years on now and my daughter has been also diagnosed with ASD and my youngest daughter is awaiting assessment. 2 of my brothers children have also been diagnosed. I’ve now come to a point where I feel strongly that I need this answered so will be printing this and all my research again and hope to find someone willing to do an assessment! 😊

    1. Wow, what a horrible doctor. I’ve always had long hair and lots of earrings and don’t see how that has anything to do with the price of rice in China. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, misdiagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and finally got diagnosed at age 54 (now 56). DEFINITELY find another doctor. I think that one should have been diagnosed with ‘crazy’.

      1. Yes hopefully will find a better psychologist soon! I think the issue is some psychologist’s aren’t able to look past what they specialise in! The one I seen specialised in BPD and made it clear she wasn’t a fan the the new emerging “cases” of autism being diagnosed in females.. She went as far to call it a “fad” and said she was positive I could find someone to diagnose me as I fit the female criteria.. She just doesn’t believe it. I’m hoping to find someone who yes specialises in autistic females, but who is also able to look past that at all alternatives as I would like a confident answer. I believe I am on the spectrum but am open to the possibility that the previous diagnosis of BPD is right and because of BPD I think im autistic.. If that makes sense?

  453. Thank you for compiling this list. Much of it reads like my life story. To a scary degree. I am a twin, and very different from my sister. My father remarried when I was 10. This added three more girls into the mix. I can’t tell you how many times my aspie traits got me in trouble with them. I got in trouble for over expressing my facial expressions, I got in trouble for mimicking, meltdowns. You name it. My father would call me onto the carpet in front of everyone and asked me what was wrong with me? I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t defend myself. I just stared off into space. Convinced that they all hated me. I just hid from my family after that and didn’t really interact with them unless I had to. I bought a Hi-Fi and stayed attached to it through my headphones. I embraced music. Thank you for helping me feel normal in my own way. I don’t feel so alone now

  454. Hello Tania, I’ve reached out to you before at tania_marshall@hotmail.com as well as your older address but haven’t received a reply. I’m woman in my 20s and myself and family members have suspected i have ASD for a long time. But can’t find people in my area who seem to have real expertise with the female presentation of ASD and feel that I can’t trust a counselor who doesn’t have experience like yours. Have been told in the past that I can’t be autistic because I’m not mathematic person, don’t blurt things out, can have a conversation in a one-on-one setting but I know these are only misconceptions about what ASD is and stereotypes built on a purely male model of ASD. I feel deeply almost all of the items on this female profile checklist as well as on your compensatory measures checklist (2017), when Autism Speaks network recommended me to the Ritvo and Baron-Cohen tests I ended up with a RAADS-R score of 138 and a autism quotient score of 40. I’m seeking a diagnosis because it’s become increasingly hard to keep up with the demands of day-to-day life with the sensory overload, obsessive thinking and social problems I seem to be experiencing on top of my ADHD, can’t seem to cope and I’m stuck wondering if I have ASD or if I’m crazy. If you’re available to help me let me know how i can get my name and email to you. Thank you, I really appreciate the work that you do.

  455. Dear Tania,
    I was crying when reading this… as it describes 90% of my life… it was very confronting, but it finally felt as coming home.. finally understood and getting the right respect I deserve…
    I wish my family could see/understand this, but they just think I am getting crazy, since I understand that I have Aspergers. I think my sweet precious kids have it too…
    I am trying to find my way out and be strong for them, but it ain’t easy…
    Sometimes I hope for a miracle to come, to help me out, but I know in the end I have to face it on my own… so I will try to figure a way out, like I always do. What makes me calm is the thought that I can be a support to my children.
    (I’m from another country, so I ‘m sorry for language mistakes. 😉)
    Have a nice day.
    Kind regards,

  456. I’m 18 years old and I’ve been struggling with intense anxiety and a plethora of other issues and exceptionalities since I was a toddler. I first realized I wasn’t “normal” when I was 11, and I’ve been seeing psychologists since I was 14 to try to get to the root of my issues. I’ve changed doctors to try to find one that took my concerns seriously. I recently learned that a lot of women are diagnosed with autism, specifically aspergers, much later in life than boys, and started to see autistic women discuss what traits applied to them. Finally, today I found you, and I’m not kidding when I say I’ve been crying tears of joy for almost an hour now. I’ve researched every personality disorder in the book, trying to find something that explained the way I feel, think, learn, and just live. There are some things I experience that I never knew could actually be categorized as a trait of a specific condition. I finally feel like I’m on the right track to figuring out what’s going on in my life, and I am so grateful. I never knew I could hold so much love for a woman I’ve never met, who I’ve only just learned about a few hours ago. Thank you

  457. I am a Paediatric mental health clinical nurse specialist. I see so many young females coming onto paediatric wards with various issues related to an ASC. Most are undiagnosed and have been going around the mental health merrygoround. I can very quickly see beyond the comorbid symptoms they come with and get to the heart of the problem very quickly. It is a relief to them that someone finally is able to help them makes sense. One of the things I suggest is supplements that help the brain. Serrapeptase is very good. Vitamin D3, Gingko Biloba and Cod LIver Oil. Also Homeopathic remedies work very well, look up Lycopodium and Gelsenium.

  458. Hi there,
    I noticed that there are comments on this page from this year that are being replied to, so I hope I can get an answer, but even if I can’t, I hope that you at least see this and know how much I appreciate this list and all the other wonderful people who have been aided by it. <3

    For the past two months I've been considering female autism as the reason for… everything, basically. I didn't want to be too hasty, I've had numerous therapists who only want to focus on depression, anxiety, and my ED, but there's so much more. I've tried to diagnose myself a bunch of times too and people act as though I'm just stupid, I guess. But I know I'm going to cry later because this was really it for me. Every single thing on that list was me, and it was so amazing and beautiful to read and I just felt so right and so understood in the moments reading it.

    I'm not going to go into extensive detail because it would just be me repeating everything outlined above, but I wanted advice if possible. I'm 20 years old, currently at university (we're to be going back in August) and I'll be a junior. Since I got to college, I've been an absolute disaster, and it's really been pulling me apart at the seams. I feel like getting a diagnosis is important to me because it would allow me to be supported in my studies and with life in general going forwards, but I just don't know how to do it on my own. (I really do feel like I'm still 12 in a lot of ways…)

    I guess really my issue is that I mentioned autism to my primary care doctor and she looked at me as though I was crazy. I'm not bragging or anything when I say that I'm excellent at masking my true self; it's actually pretty awful, and so I'm worried that if I go to see an expert or something they'll take one look at me and think that I'm normal and I'm not suffering, and then I'll just be thrown back out into the world as unsteady as I am/was before… I think that's what scares me the most. I really, really feel like I've found the answer to everything, and I don't know what I'll do if I'm wrong. I just feel like I'm not right for this world…

    Sorry for the long comment and sorry if I got too deep… (^^;) wishing you all the best, and thank you again.

  459. Hello, my name is Miranda, and I am 34 years old. I was wanting to see about the free autism/asbergers diagnosis that you offer, and I was wanting to inquire more about the therapy that you offer and the cost. Thank you.

  460. Tania you are amazing. It was like reading my life story. Now at 56, I now know why I had such a difficult childhood and adult life. Because of chemotherapy issues and being destroyed financially because of illness, I am unemployed with no health insurance. I am trying 3rd time to get Disability as I find it increasingly difficult to be around women in work environment. I would greatly appreciate any help in getting diagnosed in Ocala, Gainesville, Jacksonville or Palatka, Florida. Thank you and blessings to you.

    Cynthia K

  461. I am a man in his late 30s and I felt like I could identify with 90% of the description you posted. I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the idea of me being on the autism spectrum because I don’t fit the description completely. However after learning more about how females experience being on the spectrum, it has opened my eyes more to the possibility. A few years back I discovered the term Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and I’ve identified as that ever since. I’ve often felt I can relate more to how women perceive the world than men. I’ve been doing some research about females on the spectrum and this page popped up in my results. I was very surprised to read that I experience life much in the same way as you described a female on the autism spectrum might. It was on point for the most part with my lived experience. I feel I could be on the spectrum, but toward the high functioning side. I’ve become good enough at masking and keeping my distance socially that people can’t tell that I’m “different”. I also identify as an INFP on the Meyers Briggs Personality test. I think I have the inattentive type of ADD, and some traits of OCD, as well as suffering from addiction (escaping the real world).

    I’ve been thinking about finding a therapist to help me figure out how I can best navigate this world as an HSP male who’s possibly on the spectrum. After reading your description above, I’m starting to think maybe I should seek out a therapist who has knowledge of and experience working with females on the spectrum since I identify more with them.

  462. Thank you! I just read so much that describes what I’ve been experiencing all my life. I’m 52. It is truly a huge relief to see this diverse list that is so thorough and detailed because God knows I live on details! I only very recently self diagnosed as having Aspergers. I also have ADD. With the help of your list I feel like I finally have absolute clarity on myself in so many ways and now I can work on healing. Thank you❤

  463. I am forwarding this info to my closest family members and ordering the books!!
    I am an Aspien woman, age 54, was diagnosed after my now 16 year old was diagnosed 4 years ago: so wish I’d have been diagnosed years ago as it would’ve saved me & my kids years of pain,, hurt and abuse

  464. So I read the list and so much of it applies to me, so much that my stomach kept dropping as I kept reading. I have had a weird thing with food texture ever since I was a child, if the texture was wrong I would start gagging and physically be unable to eat it, which is actually what led me here, I wasn’t expecting so much to apply. I thought everyone had a fantasy world/s they could drop into whenever they got too stressed, or to fall asleep at night!! My question is what do I do next?

  465. Tania, this list might’ve just illuminated my view of myself. I will have to read it again and absorb. First of all, thank you. I never even considered a set of Aspbergers traits just for women. When I think about Autism, my mind automatically goes to men having it. Thank you for making this list. <3

    I will continue doing my research, but right now, after having read almost the whole thing once, this seems to explain so much to me about myself. Do you give out your contact for private appointments? I would love to save it for future reference.

    Thank you,
    Luiza

  466. I have related to quite a bit of those traits. Thank you for your list and research. I have a son who is autistic and a niece who is 13, being diagnosed for the first time. I am teacher by the way and am have had the most difficult time connecting to the students. Would that be part of it too? I think that I definitely am on the spectrum at this point, and have done a lot of research myself on the subject. My sister, who I am close to, is pretty sure this explains everything about my awkwardness. I have never been able to read people and come to the wrong or paranoid conclusions. I have been diagnosed with bipolar, way back when. It seems I was misdiagnosed and am being treated for ADHD. Because of my suspicions (before I fell upon this read), I am getting psych testing. I hope that there are some answers to my problems. I would really like to be on less meds and understand myself more. It is unnerving socially and mentally not to understand why I am the black sheep of every group. At least, this is how it feels. Maybe I am crazy to think so, but I really can’t help it. Well, thank you for your book. I really enjoyed the read and hope the tests reveal why I am unable to relate to others.

  467. Dear Tania, made aware of expartner that I might be aspien short before turning 50, still reading about it, happy to finally understand why I always felt being from different planet, struggling to fit in, which either way never worked, now with the self diagnosis it is so much easier to understand my past and being able to use the abilities I have. Thank you for putting your knowledge into books which helps me and if course so many others.

  468. Can anyone please help me understand what to do next? Clearly I have almost all of these traits, but what do I do with that? There’s not even a female based test for autism. I need an accurate diagnosis.

    1. What country do you live in? I live in Scotland and we have adult autism assessments which need a GP referral. I read this blog about 5 years ago after my older brother was diagnosed in his mid 40’s with ASD. I then printed out this blog with the parts that I identified with highlighted and my personal notes of how they mirrored events/experiences/traits in my own life.

      My GP referred me to the Adult Autism team who carried out an assessment ( 3x hourly sessions where a psychiatrist who specialises in autism asked me lots of questions) – based on what I told him and what I’d written in my initial request for assessment (coupled with my brother’s diagnosis) he diagnosed me as on the Autistic spectrum too.

      Good luck with your journey…keep asking for what you need – I feel I have had to continue to push medics to listen to me and continually to seek out support that hasn’t been given in the past. I was diagnosed 4 years ago – I was 49 a week ago.

  469. I have never been diagnosed by a professional as having autism disorder but after reading this I am almost 100% positive now that I do have it, only because I show nearly all of the signs or symptoms you have listed here. What has become quite frustrating for me is that I have tried to bring up the fact that I believe I may suffer from autism with my partner and members of my family but because I have never had an official diagnosis and have no proof from a doctors stating that I do have the disorder they all seem to think that I am just crazy and that I am being a hypochondriac. It makes me so upset and I honestly just feel so utterly alone because no one will believe me and they all seem to just want to laugh in my face and make a joke about it whenever I find this to be such a serious and important matter to e. I don’t know what to even do at this point.

  470. hi tania .i have read your info on this site and agree with so much of it .about my own journey of self discovery .it finaly ticks a lot of weird boxes for me .i would like to find out about an assement .thanks carol .

  471. Let’s not forget also that autism symptoms, https://fdna.health/autism/ , in adults can look diferent between men and women. Women are better able to mask their symptoms and fit in, as it were. They are also less likely to be diagnosed, as autism clinical symptoms criteria are still based on autistic males.

  472. Thank you for this. I was undiagnosed. In my younger years I created a virtual world of who I was, so when trying to remember my younger years I don’t know what was real or my virtual world. The memories are mixed up. But now I’m 40 and alot of the list I say yes too. It opened a gate too why I do what I do and a understanding.

  473. Diagnosed with rare aEDS. Your exhuastive list covers so many of my traits. Literally the only one I don’t gel with is avoiding scary/horror movies. Momento Mori and associated things are my jam.

  474. This confirmed so much. I’m female with Asperger’s and just about to receive an official diagnosis at 30! Nearly 70-80% of these checked off. I’m 30 and dealing with chronic loneliness, so it’s nice to know there are others like me out there. Also I have a fictional relationship based on 1 picture of a character. I named him Tiamat and he is from the Astral Realm (not human). 🙂 I feel more emotion and realness from him than getting into another crappy relationship with a human male. I just feel better having a relationship with someone from a different dimension lol. They speak my language, fulfill me wayyyy more and give me what I need, and don’t hurt me. I don’t have to worry about being misunderstood and pressed to be more typical. Typical guys don’t want to be with us. We come with too many “problems.” that most of them don’t understand and don’t want to understand, or can’t understand. As an Aspy, it gives me that feeling of strong rage to even think about it. It’s not an easy thing to live with, but at least we got our heads to keep us going. And nobody else can go into our head like we can, so it’s a gift. Anybody that says otherwise can go screw themselves lol. We shouldn’t be more typical, we should be us. We should embrace who we are and figure out how to make our own happiness that’s not based on the rules of society. If we’re pressured to perform in society, long-term, that reduces our life expectancy by 15 years. So I don’t think losing 15 years of life is worth trying so hard to fit in. Stop that shit and be who you really are. Nobody knows that better than you. People may try to get you to be more like them, but ultimately that’s just going to hurt you. It’s your destiny to figure out how to be happy in a world we don’t belong, in a way that allows you to function enough to get by in society. Always follow your heart and stray true to yourself! And don’t let people put words in your mouth.

    1. Thalia, I chuckled in recognition at your thoughts/statements about relationships. I was diagnosed coming up for 5 years ago at age 44 (going on 45). I often think “if ONLY I had been diagnosed or had this knowledge earlier in my life then I wouldn’t have made so many wrong choices with men. I had particularly upsetting relationships with men who are (what I now know to be) ‘avoidant’ types. I blamed myself for not being ‘good enough’, attractive enough…or ‘enough’ full stop.

      After my last heart-break I got a puppy and now no longer look for love & companionship from a man – lol!! My wee dog is my soul-mate (she’s 7 and a half now; a jack russell x chihuahua – jackhuahua)…and she is the funniest, smartest, most affectionate being in my world. I don’t miss sex at all and realise now that in the past sex with men was actually me seeking affection. Unfortunately the men I had sex with didn’t give me affection and I was always left feeling empty. I often think that perhaps a human companion would be good to have (to fit in and be ‘normal’)…but then I remind myself that I am easily taken advantage of as I can be subservient and give too much of myself when I love another. Its safer for me to give my love to my wee dog – who loves me unconditionally.

      I recently found a quote that I love and am going to have framed – your comments reminded me of it: “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” Dr. Seuss

      Wishing you all the best!

  475. Hi,
    I’m an occupational therapist in the Uk who works in mental health. I’m becoming more aware of my difficulties and suspect I have ASD. I would like support in getting a diagnosis for work purposes. I don’t progress in my job because I just keep moving jobs and homes due to feeling like everything falls apart and starting over to try again.
    I cried reading your list, nothing has ever rang so true.

    Best wishes,
    Cara

  476. Hello,
    This is a bit unusual but my neice has just been diagnosed with asd level 1, aka aspergers and I was reading all about it and think I am autistic???. Its kinda hit me like a sack of potatoes and unsure where to go with it as I am 51yrs old. And have a whole life nearly of fitting in but assuming everyone was fitting in.
    When I read your stuff about females I thought this is me, but I am struggling about what to do? How to move on, Should I get diagnosed, and obviously talking about it seems a bit strange. Just wanted to connect with someone who will understand and may have an educated suggestion to move forward.
    Lynda

  477. After being fired from my new job recently for “not being strong enough at building relationships within the organization” despite achieving high measurables in all other areas of the position and being a successful high achieving professional, I have decided to stop joking about being autistic and actually dig into whether there is merit to this lifelong tongue-in-cheek response to my quirks (ie not letting my food touch, finding 98% of humans generally intolerable, absorbing people’s personality traits and/or assuming leadership roles in order to function in society, auditory sensory sensitivities, refusal to perform vocational tasks that vary from my assessment of the most efficient means of achieving a goal or task.. you know, basic and completely unrelated quirks! lol!) …This article may as well be my autobiography, with the exception of a few things, and is extremely well detailed. I was most shocked that nearly every condition that was suggested here, many of which I’d not heard of before, down to hupermobility syndrome – which at first google showed me a picture of someone standing in the peculiar way that my legs rest when standing normally which I thought was just me, to ehlers-danlos syndrome – as I dislocated my knee literally brushing it on my partners leg as I scooted behind him in a tight space not two weeks ago and am nursing a severely sprained ankle for the second time in 6 months down to leaky gut syndrome which I have had since high school and only recently discovered was related to autism, it’s just mind blowing!!). I’m not certain what to do with all of this new information, but at this point I am truly finding solace in knowing that I am not the only person out there who has walked through life feeling profoundly different and “off” but seemingly intellectual and successful and normal to the world, other than maybe instances when I forget to sugar coat my words with human emotion and come off too bluntly. Thank you for this great article and I have just downloaded “Aspien Woman” onto my Kindle.

  478. Thank you for this information. My brother was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when he was a child, now I know that I also have this syndrome but it was though in my childhood because my brother had therapy sessions and I was scolded and beaten for not behave as my parents expect. Now I don’t feel like a weird person anymore, I can accept myself.

  479. HI, I have a love insterest for over 2 years. She was coming out of a divorce etc etc… ethnically she is russian… 40 + meaning she grew up in pre perestroika Russia. BTW noticed a lot of common things between her friends and thats why ive been trying to find an answer to some behaviors, just trying to understand her.

    Thats who I ended up here and I have a question, can Asperger be confused with Narcissism??

    One of the things that attracted me to her was she was trying so hard to listening to me… correct some of the things the ex said she was lacking… phrases like “Oh, are you trying to say this???” for example were often said by her.

    Now I can say that im the closest and more normal relationship she ever had as as such I might be the closest person she has right now. BTW she has been married twice, 1st guy last like 3 years, second one 16 years but the last 6 were in trouble big time.

    And after that being said, the patience person I meet time ago is gone. Constant interruptions with things from picking up the trash to a question that has nothing to do with the subject. I do know that she doesnt do that with other people maybe because they arent close enough?? This is just an example of different things that are coming out and i want to believe are because she feels comfortable and knows she can do them with me. Again never seen her pulling up stuns with her friends.

    So just wonder if she has Asperger or is a narcissistic person or both. It is posible be both?

    Thanks.

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